To be honest I'm I'm I'm fairly astonished that they had me back er this year.
I came last year to the Melbourne Comedy Festival and erm before I came they sent me this this
kind of er layout of the venue. They said look that's what it's going to look like erm
that's the kind of shape of it, those are the kind of lighting rig, that's the kind of space
et cetera erm and I shouldn't have done this because I didn't know these people, it was
an honour to be invited but I couldn't I couldn't, there's something, I couldn't. I said
"Guys, just looking at the PDF I have one or two fairly serious concerns."
"Does this guy ...."
"Could he be asked to leave during the .."
You know. "He thinks we can't see him here but" obviously
So it's good to be here.
I kind of erm I rail against any form of kind of bureaucracy, any form of kind of formality.
Particularly when it's on the internet. I don't like it at all. Whenever I, whenever
I go to book a doctor's appointment I do it online. And, er, they ask me to confirm my
booking and when they ask me they ask me to enter the reason for the appointment and this
really annoys me so I just wrote..
"Concerned I'm going to die."
And they wouldn't give me the appointment and so next time I just wrote
"Death is inevitable."
And then they er they did give me the appointment but that meant I had to spend the next twenty minutes
explaining to the doctor that I was not suicidal.
She said "but you've written 'death is inevitable."
I said "it is."
"Did they not? they should have told you this on day ONE!"
And then she was quite flustered. So I think what she wanted to say was "have you had
suicidal thoughts" but I think she got the wording wrong 'cos she said
"Have you considered suicide?"
I didn't even know that was an option.
A number of years ago I went to see a therapist. Obviously..
[laughter]
Thanks guys. Thanks for your support.
And erm. When I went to see them. First of all I wanted to speak to someone but instead
of being able to speak to someone what they gave me was an Adult Intake Assessment Form.
It was a form. This was it. An Adult Intake Assessment Form. And I was like 'ok great'
but I wanted to speak to someone' but the first question on the Adult Intake Assessment Form
was "What do you consider to be the top three stresses in your life."
And I was like well number one is obviously That's right
Adult Intake Assessment Forms.
That's right up there.
And then number 2 was obviously "The formal classificationof ineffable and principally subjective thoughts"
for the purpose of generalised psychometric analysis.
And then Airport Security.
And I turned over the page expecting that to be the end of it but no no no
there was another form and this one was even worse. It was like a multiple choice form.,
Like how am I supposed to? Why can't I just speak to someone?
So question number 1 was "How often do you misplace things at home?"
And I was like "often." And then it was like "How often do you have
difficulty getting things in order." And I was, like, "rarely". But then I realised
that I'd actually had some difficulty and I'd actually got them in the wrong, you know,
in the wrong.
And then the next one was like "How often do you make careless mistakes when you have
to work on a boring or difficult project."
And I was like "well absolutely never."
How often do you find yourself unable to make decisions?
Sometimes?
But then I realised you know, I I I, I don't...
"How often do you have trouble wrapping up the final details of a project?" Well I started
to wrap it up but then I actually I kind of stopped you know half way through
And then the last question was "When you're in a conversation how often do you find yourself
finishing the sentences of the people you are ..."
I was like "literally all the time."
Thank you everyone. Bye bye.