-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show." You're here.
Thank you for tuning in. [ Cheers and applause ]
I'm so excited about this.
Mariska Hargitay is my guest tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
I love interviewing Mariska,
but if she's interviewing you, you're in trouble.
[ "Law & Order" notes play ]
Uh...
Well, guys, the Super Bowl is almost here,
and I saw that Domino's is offering a Taylor Swift-themed
feast that includes two pizzas, a two-liter of Coke,
eight cinnamon breadsticks,
and 16 Parmesan bread bites, all for $19.89.
[ Cheers and applause ]
And if you didn't have bad blood before, you certainly will now.
Some people will eat the whole thing by themselves
and blame Taylor like, "Look what you made me do."
[ Laughter ]
Well, a lot of people are talking about this.
Earlier today, a long-awaited special-counsel report found
that President Biden mishandled classified documents
but will not face any criminal charges.
Yep, the report said Biden won't be charged
'cause a jury would see him as a "well-meaning elderly man
with a poor --"
I'm serious.
A "well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory."
[ Laughter ]
It's pretty embarrassing for Biden,
but on the bright side, he'll forget about it
five minutes later, so, I mean, just...
Just think -- Just, you know...
Actually, get this. Yesterday, for the second time this week,
Biden got mixed up while talking about world leaders
and meant to say that he met with former German Chancellor
Angela Merkel but accidentally said
the name of a German chancellor who died years ago.
You know, other than the name,
gender, and being dead, he got most of it right.
So, I mean, you got to give him...
Close.
German.
Uh, some more big political news today.
The Supreme Court heard arguments
on whether former President Trump
can be barred from running for president
by the 14th Amendment. It's a big deal.
And I have some fun facts about this.
-Really?
-♪ Did you know? ♪
♪ Did you know? ♪
-First off, did you know that Trump's legal team
has been prepping for months?
Also, they're making an album
called "The Tortured Lawyers Department."
Did you know this? This is --
-Wow. -Yeah.
Next up, did you know Trump's case was appealed
all the way to the Supreme Court?
Also, the Supreme Court is just a normal court
with sour cream and jalapeños on top.
That's the Supreme.
[ Applause ]
And, finally, did you know the hearing was led
by Chief Justice John Roberts?
Also, he's the only Chief that's not worried about the 49ers.
That's what -- I didn't know --
These are fun facts that I'm hearing.
[ Applause ]
I read about this today, you guys.
Rudy Giuliani is claiming that Trump's campaign
owes him $2 million.
Yeah, Rudy is asking for $2 million,
but he's willing to settle for a can of Four Loko
and a pack of Slim Jims.
But...
[ Applause ]
"That's -- I'll take it."
Today, Giuliani said, "I'll see you in court."
And Trump was like, "I'm already here.
I'll meet you by the vending machine.
Which court are you at? I'm there, too."
Switching gears, Dr. Fauci just announced
that he is releasing a memoir called
"On Call: A Doctor's Journey in Public Service."
That's way better than the original title --
[ Laughter ]
That was the title. That was the original...
♪♪
-Wh-ayyy! -Of course, Fauci is telling
people to get one book when it comes out
and then a second copy a month later.
[ Laughter ]
I heard that the U.S. Navy is now using party glow sticks
to detect biothreats like COVID.
Yeah. Glow sticks. Yeah.
And every time COVID is detected,
you hear a DJ air horn.
[ Rasta air horn blares ]
[ Music thumping ]
[ Rasta air horn blaring ]
♪♪
Hey, well, this is cool.
Today, the Paris Olympic medals were revealed.
And each of them is embedded
with a piece of the Eiffel Tower.
Though, people are a little concerned
because the pieces are screws and bolts.
[ Laughter ]
That's interesting.
Olympic organizers were trying to decide
between a piece of the Eiffel Tower
or a lock of French President Emmanuel Macron's chest hair.
So they went with the Eiffel Tower. I would have...
Ooh.
Well, this is wild. An airline in Finland said
that to help estimate the plane's weight before takeoff,
they will start weighing passengers.
-Oh. -Don't worry.
You can skip it if you pay a $100 non-humiliation fee.
[ Laughter ]
Airports are fun, huh? -Yeah.
-They frisk you, make you strip,
look at you naked, then weigh you.
It's like a -- It's like a sorority hazing, you know?
Please.
325 pounds!
Uh, listen to this.
I read about a new study that found
moths are not actually drawn to light.
And the researchers were like, "Sorry. That's a typo.
It was supposed to say 'goths.'"
[ Laughter ]
Thank you. Good night, everybody.
♪♪
Well, guys, finally, I'm very excited about this.
Super Bowl LVIII is happening this Sunday.
Now, you got -- I'm excited about this.
You got the San Francisco 49ers facing off
against the Kansas City Chiefs.
Now, as you know, after the game, they give out awards
like Most Valuable Player, but they also give out awards
before the game, too. I'll show you what I mean.
It's time for "Tonight Show" Superlatives. Here we go.
-♪ "Tonight Show" Superlatives ♪
♪♪
-Our first player is from the Chiefs.
It's their quarterback, Patrick Mahomes.
He was voted...
[ Laughter, cheers and applause ]
Next up, from the 49ers, is Corey Luciano.
He was voted...
Next up, from the 49ers, is Brock Purdy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He was voted...
He's like, "Alright, Ma. See you later.
Love you too! Don't kiss me! Don't kiss me!"
Next up, from the Chiefs, is Joshua Williams.
He was voted...
[ Laughter ]
Next up, from the 49ers, is George Kittle.
He was voted...
"You guys ever heard of Fizzy G?"
♪♪
"You gotta listen to Fizzy G. He's the best."
Next up, from the 49ers, is Christian McCaffrey.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He was voted...
[ Laughter ]
Next up, from the 49ers, is Mitch Wishnowsky.
He was voted...
[ Laughter ]
-Dampest?
-Dampest. Yeah. -Wow.
-Next up, from the Chiefs, this is Blaine Gabbert.
He was voted...
"And I got away with it, too, man!"
♪♪
"Whoo-hoo! No hands!"
[ Laughter ]
Next up, from the 49ers, is Taybor Pepper.
He was voted...
[ Laughter ]
"Let's get this way.
Just elongates your spine."
[ Laughter ]
Ah, I've done it..."
Next up, from the Chiefs, is Tommy Townsend.
He was voted...
Not that guy. The other other guy.
[ Applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Next up, from the 49ers, we have Charlie Woerner.
He was voted...
That's interesting.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, from the Chiefs, is Travis Kelce.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He was voted...
There you have it. Those are your Superlatives.
We have a great show! Mariska Hargitay is here!
Callum Turner is joining us!
And we got great standup from Emmy Blotnick!
Stick around. We're playing Catchphrase
when we come back, everybody. Come on back.