- Are you sick of only talking about,
gosh, it's raining today, isn't it?
Oh, the weather's been really bad recently, hasn't it?
Oh, Sharon's on a holiday?
Really?
That's cool.
Nice to meet you, what do you study?
What school do you go to again?
That's really nice.
(clinks glass)
Oh yeah, good bye.
Bye.
Small talk is unfulfilling.
It just is.
It serves its purpose, it has its place,
it shouldn't just disappear entirely.
But what we should get more of,
is conversations where you
feel reflective, inspired,
like you've learnt something about the other person,
or learnt something about yourself.
Ones where you feel connected to the other person,
or you come away with new ideas.
Ones which makes you feel good,
ones which make you feel lifted.
Ones which feel meaningful.
However you define a meaningful conversation to you.
Here's what helped me to have more
deep and meaningful conversations.
(upbeat drum music)
Hey there guys.
And welcome back to UnJaded Jade.
If you don't know who I am,
hi, my name is Jade, I'm 21 and from the UK.
And welcome to a little series
that I have in my channel called, Summer of Self.
For me,
summer is such a time where I set intentions,
I come back, I recharge, I focus on myself,
especially after the stress of uni.
And in this series,
we delve into topics about ourselves and self-growth.
Welcome to episode three,
how to have a deeper and meaningful conversation,
without it feeling forced.
So maybe you watched
last week's Summer of Self episode,
where we talked about loneliness.
In this video I broke down two main sources of loneliness
that I had felt in my life,
one of which was being physically alone.
So for example,
Being in your own apartment and watching a movie,
and wanting to make a comment
to someone, but no one's there.
Or secondly, being around people,
but feeling like your conversations lack depth.
Either you're afraid to be yourself, you feel misunderstood,
or the conversation feels quite shallow,
and that can often make you feel isolated.
Today I'm focusing on that second one,
and thinking about how you can
have deep conversations which feel meaningful,
without it feeling forced.
I am not a professional, if anything,
I can be very awkward around people.
But I do love a good deep chat.
And I think over the years,
I've really gotten better at speaking to people.
So I hope you find this useful,
especially if you just struggle in conversations generally,
whether that is small talk, deep talk,
we're gonna talk about it all.
The way this video is gonna work is,
firstly, I'm gonna talk about setting the tone.
So how you can be in a conversation
to invite the person to trust you,
and to have more meaningful conversation.
Secondly,
I'm gonna talk about the general flow
of a conversation in my experience,
for it to get to a point where
it goes beyond just shallow talk.
And thirdly,
we're gonna look at some useful frameworks
which have helped me have more interesting conversations.
And because this is the Summer of Self series,
there are two rules.
Firstly, you need to have a cute drink of some kind.
Today, I am a hydrated queen.
(slurping sound)
Mm, hydration.
And at the end of this video,
there are gonna be some journal prompts
if you're interested in digging into this more deeply.
Okay, so firstly, setting the tone.
The most important thing in my opinion
to having a deep conversation is your energy.
This is something that people can feel.
It doesn't matter what words you we're using,
people will feel your energy.
The simplest way I'd put it is,
are you creating a safe space?
Just in the way that you are being,
are you creating an environment of trust?
One where people feel like they can put
their heart on the line,
they can be honest about things
that are going on in their life, or their hopes and dreams.
Because you can feel when people
have your best intentions at heart,
or if they are waiting for you to trip up,
or for you to impress them
to see if this conversation is worth that time.
And in my opinion,
what is just one of the biggest turnoffs in conversation
is people who are judgmental.
Even if you don't necessarily agree
with what someone is saying,
it doesn't mean you have to come off with this energy of,
I don't care about what you're saying.
I completely disagree with what you're saying.
Just listen to them, you know?
Create this environment where people can be very honest.
And then you can also be equally honest
in giving feedback on it after.
But who wants to share anything
if they're gonna feel judged?
No one.
You can do this consciously by having
more open body language, making eye contact.
It makes you feel safe when someone
has eye contact with you,
because you feel like their actually in the conversation.
They're not distracted,
they're not flicking on their phone every two seconds.
They are with you, they're holding space for you.
Don't cross your arms, this looks so closed.
Don't overly fidget distractingly.
Don't overly drink.
Don't overly eat.
Just don't overly move.
Just be open, but be with them.
You're gonna nod, you're gonna smile.
You're gonna do something called active listening,
which is where, you know,
you are showing that you are listening
to what they're saying.
We love supportive sounds like, mm, uhha, uhha.
(laughs)
Like, so over the top, but I didn't know.
I just know that from experience when someone does that,
for me, you feel validated,
you feel like what you're saying is interesting.
It feels like, yeah, keep going on.
Coming back to the whole judgment thing,
be careful in the way you frame
guiding questions in a conversation.
For example, if someone shares something,
and the first thing you say is, why?
Why do you think that?
Why would you do that?
Why is just quite a harsh word in my opinion.
Even framing something like this,
oh, why did you choose to do that?
What is it about that,
that made you feel like you should do that?
That framing is different.
Why makes it sound like you cannot
understand their point of view,
and that they suddenly have to defend it to you.
Whereas,
what is it about this that made you
feel like you should do it?
It's just a lot softer.
It make it feel like, yeah, okay, this person gets me.
It's just they wanna know
what specific thing about it
persuaded me over the edge to do it, you know?
Another tip for setting the tone is,
be interested without personal gain.
I don't know about you,
but I am just generally fascinated by people.
I love how everyone is a mosaic
of all the people in their lives.
Like the reasons you do most things
are because of someone you know,
or someone close to you.
And I think that's really beautiful.
Like all the people who have hurt you, challenged you,
supported you, loved you.
All of those people have helped create who you are.
And I think as you're speaking to someone,
you can start to see pieces of the mosaic of them,
and how this has influenced where they
got to in their life right now.
People's experiences are just so interesting.
It doesn't matter about people's jobs or their income,
or all these things that we often
tend to value people by nowadays,
or number of followers, all these things.
Like everyone has something that we can
learn from them, in my opinion.
So stop seeing conversations as transactional,
where your trying to gain something from this person,
and instead see it as more transformational.
What can you learn from them?
What can they learn from you?
How can you have an enjoyable conversation
that has some meaning to you?
How can I make you come away
and feel inspired about your life?
That's how I like to do a conversation.
And lastly, for setting the tone,
is to focus on feeling.
Again, just my personal advice,
but questions like, how did that make you feel?
Oof.
Now that has changed from a conversation
about some annoying traffic on the road to, wow,
how did that experience change my day?
That is now making someone reflect,
and I think just the act of reflecting
makes it a more interesting conversation
than just what was happening on the surface.
That's no longer a small talk question.
And secondly, the flow of conversation,
these thing sounds so intangible, but to me,
they just make so much sense.
(chuckles)
In every conversation, whether it is, you know,
you're talking to a random person at the bus stop,
you're coming into work and you just have five minutes
while you're making coffee to speak to someone.
Or when you're meeting up with a friend
that you've not seen for a year.
All of these conversations have a place, a time,
a flow based off of context,
and how well you know that person.
And to me, that's so cool.
How, I dunno, a context and all of that stuff,
shapes what you're gonna talk about.
How are you gonna talk about it?
What aspects of yourself are you gonna present?
So when we're thinking about flow, the first thing is,
is it the right atmosphere to have a deep conversation?
Because it's not all the time.
Is it really your place to be asking
anything to do with anything negative or traumatic,
or any of that gritty stuff to someone
that you don't really know very well,
in a situation where there's a lot of other people
around, or it just doesn't feel right?
Probably not.
Just don't do it.
Stick to small talk, or slightly more reflective questions.
But if, once you've read the vibe of the room,
you feel like it's a little warm, you know,
you can delve in a little bit.
Then my advice is to start with small talk.
How's this?
How's this person?
How's the weather today?
Blah, blah, blah.
And then use these as pivot points
to just ask like a slightly more interesting, unique thing.
Say for example, you're talking about the weather,
and you know that this person is married.
You'd be like, oh,
what was the weather like on your wedding day again?
And then all of a sudden they're casting their mind back
to think to the wedding day,
and all the memories associated with it,
and then talk about the weather.
And suddenly you've got a more interesting pivot point
to ask them questions about
their recent wedding, and marriage.
(chuckles)
And in this flow of conversation,
just listen more than talk,
listen, listen, listen.
And in my opinion,
what gets a conversation from going from small talk,
to slightly more interesting,
to something where it could be even vulnerable,
is through you leading the way
and being vulnerable first.
It sets the tone,
it invites them to match it potentially.
You feel a little bit more bonded
when someone's just being that bit honest,
in being vulnerable in that moment.
You know, how are you?
Oh yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
But I'm actually feeling
quite insecure today because of X, Y, Z.
Just share, be vulnerable, don't expect anything back,
but I think that can be a good way
to get your conversation somewhere more meaningful.
And lastly for the flow is, don't force it.
It's so easy to overthink social stuff.
I do it a lot.
But there's no need to force
a conversation to be something it's not.
If you don't feel particularly
connected to someone either that's okay,
you don't have to push it.
The third thing I wanna talk about is, useful frameworks.
If you have decided that you'd like
to try and have more interesting conversations with people,
that is amazing, I commend you.
One of the things that first helped me
is called 36 questions to fall in love.
And now you don't need to fall in love
with the person, that is optional.
Although if that works,
please DM me because that will be such a cute story.
These questions are amazing.
They range from everything from,
if you could have dinner with anyone
from any period of time,
who would you have dinner with and why?
To,
when was the last time that you felt most alive?
To, what's something on your mind right now,
and in you voicing it, can I help you with it?
Can we just spear some ideas about what's on your mind?
Like the whole penny for your thoughts thing.
There are so many interesting questions.
Like, oh,
if you could change one thing about the way you were raised,
what would you change, and why?
You could even challenge yourself
when you're with friends this week or this month
to ask one of those 36 questions in a conversation,
and just see where it takes you.
Secondly, I think a really good, easy framework is,
what's your favorite?
Sounds simple.
Sounds like learning English 101.
But the whole point of a meaningful conversation is,
either learning something about them,
them learning something about you,
or both of you coming away
from the conversation feeling good in some way.
And talking about your favorite something,
is you can learn something, and it's just fun to talk about.
(chuckles)
I quickly wanted to talk again about energy,
that intangible thing.
To people who are really not into yoga,
meditation, any of that stuff,
the word energy sounds really,
I don't know, weird, right?
What does that mean, my energy?
But when someone walks in a room,
you can often feel what they're bringing, whether that is,
you know, a negative mood that they're carrying that day,
or a willingness to speak to people.
Anxious energy,
where they're looking to be more secure in a conversation,
or in the moment, or in themselves at that time.
We all have energy based off a power feeling.
Again, don't overthink how you are in that moment.
It's okay, be authentic to yourself.
I think the most important thing
is just to bring an energy of non-judgment.
Judgments of others are just a reflection
of how we are judging ourselves.
Are you judging how they look,
because you're conscious of how you look today?
Are you conscious of their life decisions
because you are kind of jealous,
and wish that you had the same freedom over your life?
Are you expecting them to say something intelligent
to impress you because you're insecure
about not looking intelligent?
Just ask yourself those things.
And I know this stuff can sound so basic, right?
And honestly, who am I to give this advice?
I still suffer conversation.
If you meet me, I'm gonna be awkward.
That's just how it works.
But these things help me, so they might help you,
they might not, you know, work it out for yourself.
If you would like to dig into this more in your free time,
here are some wonderful journal prompts
that you can kind of solidify this episode with.
For example,
how comfortable are you speaking
with people that you know, versus people you don't know?
You can review your normal conversations
and think, are there topics I naturally gravitate towards?
do you my conversations normally feel like they have depth,
or are they generally more small talk?
Do deep conversations scare me?
Do I love small talk?
Do I hate small talk?
Is that a thing culturally where I'm from?
Imagine yourself having all the best qualities
that you want to have.
What are those qualities?
You know, really write that down.
What is the best version of you in conversation with others?
For example, saying things like, people trust me,
people feel validated in conversation with me.
People gravitate towards me.
I am confident, I am warm.
Whatever it is that you wanna
manifest about yourself in conversation,
you can write that down in present tense,
and it kind of affirms it to yourself.
Thank you so much for watching,
I hope this helped in some way.
Please leave your tips down below
for conversations, and how you make them feel deep.
What does a meaningful conversation look like to you?
That's an interesting question.
Is it one where you feel good?
Is it a conversation where you got through
the whole thing without feeling anxious?
Like, what is a meaningful conversation?
If you enjoyed this video and this series,
please give it a thumbs up,
and it encourages me to make more.
Oh, my casual magic for today is,
I found these socks.
They don't go with my outfit, but I don't care.
I don't know if you can see them, but they're donuts,
which I think is just so random,
and I put them on and I was like, this is just very fun,
Very casual. We love sock content.
What is your casual magic today?
Have an amazing day.
Bye.
(upbeat music)