A new study sponsored by the National Institutes of Health
has found that kids who play video games for at least
three hours a day have better memory and impulse
control than nongamers.
Yeah.
And I'm not the kind of person who
would say I told you so to my mom
because she could still whip my ass.
But I told you so.
Yeah.
[applause]
OK, just making sure--
just making sure she's not behind me.
But, yeah, it turns out gamers have great impulse control.
So the next time a teenager calls you
the N-word and a game of Call of Duty,
he really thought it through.
[laughter]
In travel news, Virgin Australia
has announced that for the next six months,
anyone who selects a middle seat
will be automatically entered into a lottery
with more than $230,000 worth of prizes up for grabs.
Yeah.
And here's my first question.
Is one of the prizes an aisle seat?
[laughter]
Because, I mean, that's the only way I'm ever selecting
a middle seat on a plane.
Plus, winning the lottery makes it worse.
Now I'm in the middle seat, and the aisle and window seats
are looking to rob my ass.
It's like, well, well, if it isn't Mr. Jackpot.
Ugh, leave me alone!
Oh, here's one of the strangest human interest
stories I've ever heard.
A hermit known as the world's dirtiest man--
actually known as that-- has died at the age of 94.
But get this-- just a few months after bathing
for the first time in 60 years, which
is a real lesson here, guys.
Don't try anything new because it will kill you.
It will.
Oh, and, more importantly, congratulations
to the new world's dirtiest man, Steve Bannon.
Well done.
All right.
Let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day,
starting, once again, with the midterms,
you know, that time of the year when
your baby is at the highest risk
of being kissed by Ted Cruz.
There was a major debate last night
that could change everything.
And we'll tell you all about it in our ongoing coverage
of Votedemic 2022.
[music playing]
[applause]
The big question leading up to election day right now
is, who will control the Senate when the dust settles?
And with so many close races around the country,
it could still go either way.
But a pivotal moment may have occurred last night
at a debate in Pennsylvania.
On one side of this neck-and-neck race,
you have Democrat John Fetterman,
Lieutenant Governor and bouncer on the set of Jerry Springer.
And on the Republican side, you have Dr. Oz,
not to be confused with the Wizard of Oz,
who also lived in a mansion that wasn't in Pennsylvania.
Now, after securing the Republican nomination,
Dr. Oz has been trying to distance himself from the MAGA
side of the force and reposition himself
as a bipartisan voice of reason to try
and scoop up all the centrist voters on election day.
You know, he's basically doing that TikTok thing where you
flip your hair down, and then when you come up,
you act like you suddenly didn't
want to hang Mike Pence. You know that thing?
[laughter]
But here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
Being pro-Trump and proreasonable
is a lot harder than people think,
which was apparent when Dr. Oz had to explain
his position on abortion.
Should abortion be banned in America?
60 seconds.
There should not be involvement
from the federal government in how states decide
their abortion decisions.
As a physician, I've been in the room
when there's some difficult conversations happening.
I don't want the federal government
involved with that at all.
I want women, doctors, local political leaders
letting the democracy that's always
allowed our nation to thrive to put the best ideas forward.
So states can decide for themselves.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Dr. Oz said abortion rights should be decided by women
and their doctors and local political leaders,
which is pretty slick, right?
I like how he did it because he started that sentence like
he was on the side of women.
And then he snuck in the politicians
at the end like a teenager buying
condoms at a gas station.
[laughter]
He was like, oh, let me get those Cheetos
and the root beer, and can I get the Trojan condoms?
[muttering]
[laughter]
You want to get them, sir, near the back.
[applause]
Because, I mean, let's be honest,
if you're pro-choice what Dr. Oz is suggesting
is bullshit, Right?
I think we can all agree, there is only one politician who
should have a say in your abortion,
and that's Herschel Walker because it's his.
It's his.
It's probably his.
Ladies, check.
They're all his.
[laughter]
Now, unfortunately, the Democrats couldn't exactly
take a victory lap after Dr. Oz's performance at the debate
because it was their own guy who was
getting most of the attention.
REPORTER: Lieutenant Governor John Fetterman started off
the hour-long debate assuring voters he's still
capable of doing the job of Senator
five months after having a stroke.
Let's also talk about the elephant in the room.
I had a stroke.
He's never let me forget that.
I might miss some words during this debate,
mush two words together.
But it knocked me down, and I'm going to keep coming back up.
REPORTER: Fetterman's use of a closed-captioning device
during the debate where he read questions
in real time on a screen above the moderators
sparked debate on social media, with some observers seeing
a strong performance amid recovery, while others
cast him as unsteady.
REPORTER: Fetterman especially lost his footing
on the subject of fracking when questioned about a 2018
interview where he said he would never support
the industry, versus his current position,
supporting fracking.
I-- I do support fracking, and I don't--
I don't-- I support fracking, and I stand--
and I do support fracking.
You know what's interesting to see
is how people have reacted to this clip, you know?
Because on the one hand, obviously, that
was a part of the debate that tripped him up because he has
had a shaky record on whether he's
for or against the fracking.
But also, beyond that, people are
wondering about the stroke.
And it was interesting to see.
If people support him, they're seeing a guy who's overcoming
a temporary disability.
But then the people who are against him
see a guy who's not mentally fit to be Senator.
And I guess because of polarization, it's like that
with everything these days.
Everyone's seeing the world from two different sides.
Like, if you're a diehard Christmas lover,
you hate the Grinch.
But if you don't like Christmas,
then, yeah, he's extremely [bleep]-able,-able, and you'd sm
Everything is subjective-- everything.
Look at that mouth.
[laughter]
And I personally feel bad for John Fetterman, though,
because he had a stroke.
And on top of that, after the debate,
Dr. Oz tried to sell him a supplement
that would cure him for 59.99.
[laughter]
You know, if you ask me, I don't know why Fetterman ever
admitted to having a stroke.
This is American politics.
He could have just done whatever he wanted, right?
He's running for the Senator of Pennsylvania.
He could have just showed up to the debate
and be like, sorry for my words, everyone.
I'm drunk off my ass.
The entire state would have been like,
hell yeah, man, same here.
Go Phillies, yeah!
I love this guy.
Woo!
[applause]
But the truth is Fetterman's limitations right now are just
something voters will have to consider
when they make their choice.
Like, maybe they don't care whether Fetterman
is capable of debating.
Maybe voters prefer his policies.
Or maybe they just want a Senator who
can block the door the next time it's getting
stormed by rioters.
That could be very useful.
It's all up to them.
Anyway, let's move on and talk about natural disasters.
Because no matter where you live,
they could happen to you.
One minute, you're buying groceries.
Then an earthquake hits, and boom!
You're buried alive.
Or you're hiking.
Suddenly, an avalanche hits.
Boom!
You're buried alive.
Or you're at home watching TV.
A tornado hits, picks you up, rips off all your clothes,
then throws you through your neighbor's window
into the bedroom with his wife right
as your neighbor walks in.
He knocks you out with a shovel, and boom!
Buries you alive.
Happens all the time.
All the time.
Rest in peace, uncle.
[applause]
But here's some good news.
If you've been buried alive by a natural disaster,
there's a new first responder who
might be coming to your aid.
An unlikely hero is being trained
to help search and rescue teams during natural disasters.
We're talking about rats.
The rodents are fitted with tiny, high-tech backpacks
carrying video cameras.
The project created by Belgian nonprofit trains
the rats to help first responders
search for survivors among rubble and disaster zones.
Once they locate the target, they
pull a switch on their little vest
that triggers a beep before heading back to the trainers
to get a treat.
And the leader of the project says
rats are perfect for the job since they're small, curious,
and prone to explore.
Oh!
Oh my god, that's so adorable.
Did you see the little backpack and the tiny camera?
I want to be rescued by one of them!
Aw.
Oh, lock the doors.
Let's blow the building up.
You're going to thank me when there's a bunch
of cute rats saving all of us.
[laughter]
No, but for real, though, this is incredible.
This is incredible.
Just take a moment to think of some of the things
that rats can do, huh?
They can sniff out landmines, right?
They can detect tuberculosis.
In New York City restaurants, they taste
our food before we eat it.
[laughter]
And yet do we appreciate them?
No!
We're terrible to them.
We're terrible to rats.
We don't treat them with any respect.
In fact, we've got to pray that if we are ever trapped
under the rubble, we've really got
to hope that the rat that comes to rescue us
doesn't hold a grudge.
[laughter]
Well, well, well, if it isn't the guy
who tested that toxic makeup on my cousin.
Oh, look, you can't move your arms.
Oh, they worked fine when you were
putting out all those traps, though, didn't they, huh?
Bet you wish you hadn't appropriated
my culture for your Chuck E. Cheese now, huh?
Yeah, why don't you rescue yourself, you little bitch?
I'm going to go poop in a Cheerios box.
Bye!
[applause]
OK.
I just realized, at some point, my mom's going to be like,
what do you do at your job?
I'm like, don't-- don't worry.
[laughter]
All right, finally, here's a really fun story from
the world of higher education.
You know, universities are always doing the utmost
to try and stop students from cheating and for good reason--
for good reason.
You don't want students to cheat, right?
Because you don't want someone cheating their way
through engineering, and then one day building a
bridge, right?
Or what if someone cheats their way through 14th century
Italian poetry?
I don't even need to tell you the chaos
that that would unleash on society.
But one professor in the Philippines
is going viral for how she decided
to stop cheating in her class.
REPORTER: The Washington Post says a Philippines college
professor asked her students to wear
anticheating hats for a midterm exam, and they went all out.
The students showed up for their mechanical engineering
test this month wearing all sorts
of designs on their heads.
Photos of the students in their headgear
went viral, though, on local news.
All right, I don't know who this professor is,
but that's genius, right?
I love that.
No, no, because instead of just telling kids not to cheat,
obstruct their field of vision.
Because most of the time, teachers can't actually
stop anyone from cheating.
The best they can do is walk up and down
the aisles like a pigeon looking for pieces of bread,
you know?
They just do that thing.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I like this system.
It helps the students focus, and it removes the temptation.
Because let's be honest.
That's what-- it's temptation.
Most of the time, cheating is a spur
of the moment thing, right?
You don't go into the test intending to cheat.
What happens is you realize you know none of the answers.
[laughter]
And then you notice out of the corner of your eye
that Angie is flying.
And now, if you know that you're probably wrong,
why would you just stick with your wrong answers, right?
In a real-world situation, we want
to encourage people to go with whoever has the best ideas.
It's not cheating.
It's called having an open mind, people.
You've got to explore your opportunities.
[applause]
That's why my uncle was in his neighbor's bedroom's
wife with--
[laughter]
All right, that's it for the headlines.
But before we go to a quick break,
let's check in on the stock market
with our very own finance expert,
Michael Kosta, everybody!
[cheering]
Michael, crazy time, man.
Crazy, crazy time in the markets right now.
What's happening?
I am crushing it.
I mean, you might need to call a rescue rat
because my crushing has caused a lot of people
to be trapped under rubble.
So--
Well, it sounds like your financial advice
has buried people in debt.
Well, and if you want to get out of that debt,
I got a hot tip for you.
So stay tuned, OK?
TREVOR NOAH: All right, let's do it.
All right, let's do it.
So this week multiple corporations
had their third quarter earnings reports,
which included Google and Microsoft, both of whom
had disappointing numbers, OK?
But before we get into that, the-- the rescue rats.
Yeah.
Right?
I found this story so useful, OK?
When my landlord came by to evict
me because of a rat infestation, I told him,
hey, you're wrong.
I'm actually training an elite group
of search and rescue rats.
It bought me 24 hours.
But you're right, Trevor.
Animals are amazing.
I mean, pigs can hunt truffles.
Dolphins are helping the Navy with their sonar.
My dog-- he'll lick peanut butter off my body
wherever I put it. OK, look--
TREVOR NOAH: Oh.
Look, look, that's not a sex thing.
I just eat peanut butter sloppily, OK?
And I heard, Trevor, that in Africa
that you can hang wet laundry on a rhinoceros's horn.
No, Michael, that--
that is not true. That is so dumb.
It's not true.
Oh, because you don't have laundry.
I-- I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. Honestly, I'm--
This guy.
You know, can you just get to the--
Oh, well, here's a thought.
Anybody ask what cats do, you know?
How do they contribute to society?
To me, it seems like cats have nine lives,
and they're wasting every single one of them.
If you were trapped under your building,
and your cat saw you, it would yawn and go back to sleep.
Or, even worse, it would kill a rat, the one thing that's
trying to save your ass.
[laughter]
Trevor is right.
Rats need more respect.
That's why it's called "ratspect," OK?
Think about it.
They're basically firemen.
OK?
And that's why it wasn't weird that I
made a sexy rat calendar.
TREVOR NOAH: What does this even--
Michael, can you just get to the markets?
- Let's do the markets. - OK.
OK, let's-- no more rats.
Now I'm thinking of sexy rats.
Can you just--
Let's do the markets.
All right, so Alphabet, OK, which
is Google's parent company--
I Binged it, all right-- and Microsoft
both had their quarterly earnings calls,
which were so bad, it led the stock to a dramatic fall.
Look at that, which makes me say to all the company owners,
if you know your earnings calls are going to be so bad, why
are you making that call, OK?
If you have bad news, don't call people.
I didn't call my landlord when I
found 93 rats in my apartment.
I put little bells and backpacks on them,
and now I gave them names.
I'm helping society.
So, look, this is Google and Microsoft.
Everything's going fine, right?
There was a little dip here in October 24,
but that's not a big deal.
The guy that draws the lines actually just sneezed.
Sometimes that happens.
[laughter]
But what the hell is going on here?
Well, turns out Microsoft's cloud company
didn't generate as much revenue as they thought.
Well, obviously, clouds just disappear, right?
But the bigger drop came from Google.
Ad revenue's down on YouTube because advertisers don't want
to advertise to us, knowing the economy is struggling,
and we don't want to buy anything.
Well-- well, you don't.
I'm crushing it, OK.
But here's some advice to YouTube.
If your ad revenue is down, and it's affecting your stock,
why are you letting us skip ads?
Of course, I'm going to skip your ad for Rogaine.
My toupee is perfect, OK?
No other company has a skip revenue button.
CVS doesn't have a skip payment button.
They do have those self checkout things, though,
and those are pretty much the same thing.
You know what-- [laughs]
Hey, hot tip-- hot tip to media companies--
force your viewers to watch profitable ads.
Trevor, throw to commercial.
No, Kosta, don't tell me what to do, all right?
OK, all right, sorry.
Yeah, you're right. No, you're right.
Sorry.
Yeah, I'm going to do whatever I want.
All right, we're going to go to a commercial break right now.
Michael Kosta, everybody.