welcome back to metacognitive strategies for happiness I am your host dr. Dawn elise Snipes
we're going to continue talking about unhelpful thinking and reasoning strategies and what we
can do that might be more helpful we talked last time about over generalization personalization and
constantly scanning for threats in the environment today we're going to talk about shoulda coulda
woulda I shoulda coulda woulda refers to things in the past I should have called this person to let
them know I was going to be late I could have done this better if I had more information back then if
I knew what then what I know now I would have well all that stuff is in the past you cannot change
the past period exclamation point continuing to ruminate on what you should have could have or
would have done ain't going to change the past it's done what is the effect of holding on to
guilt and resentment about things you or someone else shoulda coulda or would have done a lot of
times it just it drains your energy how could you use information that you have now to improve
your thought processes you know I'll give you a hint once you identify what you should have done
how can you ensure that you will do it in similar situations in the future instead of feeling guilty
and just holding on to that guilt and ruminating on what you should have could have would have done
take that information and go okay I screwed up or I made didn't make the best choice how can I
use my current knowledge to keep it from happening again how can I learn from it and grow how can you
switch from feeling guilt resentment and anger to acceptance of the past and confidence that you've
learned how to prevent the problem in the future and that's what I just said I want you to think
about instead of dwelling on that and continuing to beat yourself up for something shoulda coulda
woulda thinking okay I have more knowledge now in retrospect I would have made different choices or
I wish I would have made different choices can't do that can't change the past so how can I make
sure that I don't feel this feeling again how can I make sure that I'm not in this situation again
shoulds can be exhausting because they often represent what other people have told us we
should do or what we think other people expect of us a lot of times we put a lot of pressure
on ourself because we're trying to read other people's minds and we think they expect things
out of us that they may not even expect shoulds also also represent unreasonably high standards
such as I should cook dinner every night and I should always be patient with my children
well in an ideal world that's true but life is not ideal shoulds can motivate us to try
to be the best we can be but when you fail to do something you think you should have done you may
get angry at yourself and feel guilty what's the impact of guilt and self on your health happiness
and relationships probably not good so how else could you react when you don't do something you
think you quote should have well one strategy is to compassionately recognize that you know
what nobody's perfect I should have remembered to finish that project and so it wasn't late I
should have gotten that project in on time well I didn't and I can't change the past so apparently I
need to learn from it explore the choices and thought processes that led up to the failure
so I can look and I can say I didn't get that project in on time I should have how did I get
to that place what choices did I make that kept me from keeping on track and keeping on task and
getting that project done on time and address all-or-nothing thinking for example I didn't
cook dinner every night this week but I did make sure that I brought home takeout and we ate as a
family you know obviously that has nothing to do with the work project but that's an example of
all-or-nothing thinking if I feel guilty about not getting that project in you know instead of
saying I didn't get that project in on time so I'm a failure I may say I didn't get that project in
on time which is unfortunate and I need to learn from that however I did get a good product in
it was happened to be two days late or something recognizing that I made a partial accomplishment
maybe not a hundred percent accurate or a hundred percent completion on time if I can't be perfect
I won't even try sometimes we have this thought what's the effect of this type of thinking on
happiness health and relationships rarely are we going to be perfect at anything all of the time
so it's important that we're willing to try even if that means we're not going to be perfect one
thing I asked people to do sometimes if they have this perfectionist stick thinking style is to ask
themselves what would you tell a child who thought this way about most things in life I wouldn't want
my children to think this way I would want them to think I will try and you know if I fail or if
I'm not perfect I will learn from it I will grow from it another thinking error or thinking style
that can cause problems is if I didn't get a hundred percent if it wasn't perfect then
I might as well have failed no that's not true you know you get even when you get grades there
is a some wiggle room for people who get a's and wiggle room for people who get B's very rarely do
you have people getting a hundred percent on their tests or on their class scores it just means that
they have room to learn if you hold this belief that getting a hundred percent is the only way
to go and if you don't get a hundred percent you failed how does that affect your happiness
health and relationships one of the things that my daddy always used to say is even people who
graduate medical school at the bottom of the class are still called doctor and I was like okay well
I don't really like that thought but you make a good point new strategies be alert for thinking
styles that highlight danger threats and make you feel powerless such as all-or-none thinking and
shoulds and should have when you notice that you're thinking that way when you check your
thoughts and you say okay the last three or five thoughts I had use some of those extreme
words like all always never nobody you know I need to check it and I need to start looking
for exceptions to that when I start thinking with these shoulds and should haves I need to take that
word out of my vocabulary and instead of saying I should do this I either need to say I choose
to or I choose not to develop alternate thinking styles for all or none thinking for example it's
better to try to do something than to not try at all or imperfection means I have room to grow and
change your vocabulary to eliminate shoulds and extreme all-or-nothing words like every always
and never instead of saying I must cook dinner every night for my family I could say I would
like to cook dinner most nights for my family that's more reasonable I can make most nights
I am pretty sure that I'm not going to be able to cook dinner every single night for my family
henceforth and forevermore there's gonna be a night here and there that they get takeout or
we go out to a restaurant or something another Strad would be from now on when I get upset I
will try to count to 10 before I speak to help me be more patient instead of saying I should always
be patient with my children I'm gonna say I will instead of saying I should I will try
to count to ten before I speak to help me be more patient recognizing that I am probably going to be
imperfect with my patients and not be a hundred percent patient a hundred percent of the time
but I'm not holding myself to that hundred percent
threshold I'm allowing myself a little wiggle room to be human