Have a seat.
I know that noise is all because it's day
nine of 12 Days of Giveaways.
I know that.
We'll get to your gifts a little later.
First, I want to talk about something
that'll help you get through the stress of the holidays--
liquor.
Liquor.
I'm kidding.
I'm talking about reality TV.
I think that they're starting to run out of ideas for shows.
There are so many shows that get green-lit.
People like, yep, put that on.
I saw one, this is called Wrap Battle,
and it's a competitive world of wrapping presents.
And it gets about as dramatic as you'd think that it would,
which is not at all, but boy, they try to make it dramatic.
Who turned off my hot glue gun?
Oh, no.
Who did that?
Uh-oh, sabotage.
Seriously, somebody turned off my hot glue gun.
I want to know who did it.
I'm not joking.
I'm going to find out who did it.
OK.
If anybody in this room is going to turn off my hot glue gun,
I think it would be Olga.
I need to, I just want to tell you that it's not me.
I did not like the way you looked at me.
I did not sabotage no one.
I'm too busy for that.
Your reputation precedes you, and that is not on me.
Hey, stop it.
Sure, blame the Russians.
Yeah, really, blame her.
Tune in next week to find out who gets a paper cut.
It's really--
Here's how I know when there are too many reality shows.
They've just stopped trying to be real.
This is called South Beach Tow and the acting
on this "reality" show is unbelievable.
I know what I got to do, ma'am.
I'm here to repossess your car.
Hey, Dave!
Lift [INAUDIBLE].
Which one is lift?
You is not going nowhere.
You better get out of my, and I'm not playing.
I'ma back up and I'll do it.
You ain't backing up.
Which one is lift?
You ain't going nowhere.
Oh!
[SCREAMS] Bernice!
Oh, my God!
Bernice!
Oh, my God!
Bernice!
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
God damn, I told her I was gonna back up.
What did you do to Bernice?
It was an accident.
We gotta go.
Bernice!
Oh, my God.
Where are you going?
Get back here!
You killed my friend!
I've never driven a tow truck before,
but I can't let them get away.
I've got you blocked in.
Call an ambulance right away.
I'm going to check on my friend.
Bernice!
I thought you were dead.
Oh.
I really could watch that 7,000 times.
So they're doing something right,
because it made me want to watch it.
This next one is a British show called Naked Attraction.
Single people choose a date based on seeing someone
from the head down naked.
It's in Britain.
It's completely uncensored, so you see everybody's crumpets.
And--
We have got six colored pods.
Inside each and every one of them
is a gorgeous young man, your Hollywood pinup,
that is completely and utterly naked.
Natural, muscley arms.
A man's arms is-- it goes a long way, it really does.
I know you're slightly obsessed with Titanic.
Yeah.
So we are going to recreate the scene in Titanic
where Kate Winslet is like that and Leo has
got his arms around her.
So, anyone who could be your Jack?
Maybe be should try it with orange.
OK, I'm going to move you this way.
Great.
Back into the pod.
This is hilarious.
Arms out like you're flying.
In you go, orange.
Jack, I'm flying.
Michelle, how did that feel?
I did get a little touch of his hands.
Nice, firm, manly hands, so that was nice.
Serious question-- are straight people OK?
I'm concerned.
Finally, there's a show somebody told me
about called Extreme Love.
It's about unexpected relationships.
And I know I always say, if I have to see it then
you have to see it, too, but I'm not sure you're
going to want to see it.
So you can vote, OK?
You have to know a couple of things ahead of time.
It's about a 31-year-old man dating a 91-year-old woman.
Who wants to see it?
[APPLAUSE]
OK.
All right.
There's open-mouth kissing.
Still interested?
OK.
It ends in a hotel room.
Last chance.
OK.
You're all sick.
Here it is.
I enjoy sex, NASCAR and crochet, and a drink, occasionally.
My older son is 71, and the youngest
will be 50 in September.
The fact that Margie's kids are old enough to be Kyle's parents
didn't put him off.
In fact, he was in hot pursuit of Marge
from the moment they met.
And when he finally got her in bed,
Kyle was in for a steamy night.
When I did the first time, I told a girlfriend
where I was going to be.
And then I called her when we were at the motel and said,
guess who's tied up, and it's not me.
And he's laying on the bed hollering, help!
Help!
I am so, so sorry.
You have no one to blame but the people who raised their hands.