>> YES, MARS!
CAN WE LIVE THERE?
DOES IT MAKE SENSE TO LIVE
THERE?
SHOULD AMERICA COLONIZE THE RED
PLANET AND MAKE THAT A PRIORITY?
TONIGHT WE TACKLE THOSE
QUESTIONS IN OUR REGULAR
SEGMENT, NO.
SCIENTISTS LIKE STEPHEN HAWKING
HAVE LONG THOUGHT OF MARS AS A
GOOD IDEA.
BUT THE IDEA OF LIVING THERE IS
IT THE IDEA OF STEPHEN HAWKING
CHEATING ON HIS WIFE.
THE WHOLE THING IS TERRIFYING.
AND INSPIRATIONAL.
BUT GOING TO MARS IS A STUPID
IDEA.
FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S NO
ATMOSPHERE.
HOW CAN WE FIX THAT?
>> THE FIRST AND EASIEST WAY MAY
BE TO JUST BUILD FACTORIES THAT
WOULD TURN CARBON INTO
GREENHOUSE GASES, THERE'S ALWAYS
THE POSSIBILITY OF BOMBARDING
THE PLANET WITH ASTEROIDS.
WE CAPTURE ASTEROIDS ON THE EDGE
OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM AND USE
ROCKET ENGINE TO PROPEL THEM
INTO MARS.
>> THE OLD, IF IT'S NOT WORKING,
THROW A ROCK AT IT SOLUTION.
AND SAY WE GET UP THERE AND SET
UP CAMP, THEN WHAT?
LUCKILY RESEARCH IS ALREADY
UNDERWAY TO SEE HOW HUMANS WILL
HANDLE IT.
>> THE STATION IN CENTRAL UTAH,
FOLKS WOULD WORK IN A SIMULATED
MARS ENVIRONMENT.
>> THE WORK WE DO IS VERY
IMPORTANT.
BUT IT'S ON A STRICT REGIMENT
THAT THERE'S ALSO TIMES WE GET
BOARD.
AND IT'S IN THOSE TIMES I'M
BORED THAT I WISH I COULD TEXT
MY FRIENDS OR CALL MY MOM.
>> YOU CAN'T SHE DIED TWO YEARS
AGO, AND NASA HASN'T TOLD YOU
YET.
EVEN IF SCIENTISTS DO FIGURE OUT
HOW TO LEAVE EARTH AND LIVE ON
MARS.
TRUST ME, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO
WITH THEM.
>> AN OPTIMISTIC NUMBER WOULD BE
$10 BILLION A PERSON.
WE HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO
IMPROVE THE COSTS OF TRIPS TO
MARS BY 5 MILLION%.
>> $10 MILLION PER PERSON,
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
I HAVE A PLAN.
FIRST YOU GET A WHOLE LOT OF
CREDIT CARDS AND THEN YOU PAY
FOR YOUR MARS TRIP ON YOUR
CREDIT CARD, THEN THE CREDIT
CARD COMPANY WILL GO, YOU OWE US
LIKE $10 BILLION.
YOU'LL BE LIKE [ BLEEP ] OFF
VISA, I'M ON MARS.
IT'S THE PERFECT CRIME.
IS THERE ANY REASON FOR US TO GO
TO MARS?
NO.
NONE OF THESE PLANS MAKE SENSE.
THE PROBLEM ISN'T HOW DO WE GET
TO MARS.
THE PROBLEM IS, WE'RE RUNNING
OUT OF RESOURCES, AND EARTH IS
TURNING INTO AN UNINHABITABLE
WASTELAND.
WHY WOULD WE USE OUR REMAINING
RESOURCES TO FIX AN
UNINHABITABLE WASTELAND?
IF WE KNEW HOW TO DO THAT, WE
COULD JUST FIX OURS.
WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO
SURVIVE ON THIS PLANET.
AND I THINK I HAVE A SOLUTION.
WE WENT TO THE MOON SIX TIMES.
AND THEN WE NEVER WENT BACK
AFTER 1972.
WE JUST SAID, YEAH, [ BLEEP ]
IT, IT'S THE MOON, IT'S OKAY.
IT SUCKS, WHATEVER.
IF WE WANT TO FORGET ABOUT THE
LIFE ON MARS AND FOCUS ON SAVING
THIS PLANET.
WE NEED TO CONVINCE THE POWERS
THAT BE THAT WE'VE ALREADY BEEN
TO MARS AND IT'S SHIT.
I WOULD LIKE TO INFORM YOU THAT
I WENT AND CHECKED OUT MARS LAST
WEEK, AND I WASN'T IMPRESSED.
TAKE A LOOK.
I'M ON MARS.
IT'S LIKE THAT DAVID BOWIE SONG,
CHANGES.
BECAUSE IT'S A DIFFERENT PLACE.
IT'S AMAZING UP HERE, AND I CAN
BREATHE.
WE MUST HAVE THROWN ROCKS AT THE
PLANET UNTIL THE AIR WORKS.
IT DOES STILL SMELL LIKE MATT
DAMON, WHICH IS THE SAME SMELL
AS BEN AFFLECK'S [ BLEEP ].
THIS JOURNEY MADE ME HUNGRY, I
WISH THERE WAS FOOD.
THERE IS FOOD.
IT'S FRUIT.
I BETTER LEAVE.
I HAVE TO FIND ME A ROCKET NOW.
I PARKED IT NEXT TO THE ROCKET
THAT WAS RED -- THAT'S GOING TO
BE HARD TO FIND.
WAIT, WHAT'S OVER THERE.
HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
HARVEY STOP RAPING ROCKS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE BARISTA AT THE COFFEE SHOP.
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE, ROCKET
OR NO ROCKET, I'M TAKING OFF.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT, WE LANDED
ON MARS AND IT [ BLEEP ] SUCKS.
I THINK WE CAN LET THOSE PEOPLE
OUT OF THE FAKE MARS HABITAT
NOW.
HEY, ACTUALLY KEEP THAT GIRL IN
THERE, I'M TERRIBLE WITH BAD
NEWS.