Geoffrey here.
And in this video I'm going to show you how you can rebuild your trust when all
trust is lost.
And so you can stop feeling paranoid about everything in your relationship.
And if you want to really empower yourself to take control of your relationship
and start to improve it,
then you want to subscribe to this channel and click that bell button to be
notified every single time I post a new video from Mondays through Fridays.
[inaudible]
so we all know that trust is a very important part of our relationship.
When trust is broken, you have no relationship.
But what if your trust is already broken right now? Where did we go from here?
How do we go about fixing that? Well,
here are the same tapes that I gave all my clients when I work with them.
And when you can really understand this stuff,
it doesn't matter if you've just gone through some infidelity or some compulsive
lying and trust is really destroyed because once you understand this stuff,
you can really rebuild trust. Not overnight, but slowly but surely.
So the first thing I want you to understand here is the two dimensions of trust.
And so when we talk about trust,
we often think about it from our own perspective. So we asked the question,
do we trust our partner to tell the truth? But guess what?
The other side does a second dimension of trust.
That's also very important in considering how to rebuild your trust. And that's,
that's your partner trust that they can tell you the truth without you are
reacting really badly and so on. So can they trust that the truth can come out?
They can express the truth.
And the reason I say this is let's consider for a moment how trust is destroyed.
Let's look at the mechanics here.
And in my experience in mechanics looks like this. So it begins with, you know,
one person not feeling safe or not feeling trustworthy,
that they can tell the other person that truth without it leading to some
argument to some intense conflicts or rejection or even a divorce.
And so what happens at this point is that when that person doesn't trust the
other person, then they start to kind of hold things back by themselves.
They sweep things under the rug, they leave things pent up.
And so there could be a lot of things they could be unhappy about in the
relationship, in their lives and so on.
But they can never talk about it because they know that they do talk about it.
It will cause some major issues. So they never talk about it.
And so what happens is all this pent up stuff grows and grows and grows and
grows.
But then as all that pent up stuff grows there and happiness is still there,
their dissatisfaction with the relationship is still there,
but it's never addressed. And they know that they're kind of dressed it.
So what they do is they start to go behind the person's back and to do things in
secret. And so they cheat. Maybe they think about cheating and so they cheat.
Maybe they'd take away some money here and there, you know,
whatever bad things people do. And whenever they do it in secret,
it's always to compensate for some lack that they're having in the relationship.
So nobody does things in secret because they're just assholes.
The reality is that when both people can really feel fulfilled in a
relationship, they don't need to look elsewhere. You know,
I've never worked with a couple over 300 couples and I've worked with,
I've never worked with one who also were getting all they want from the
relationship still looks elsewhere or they might kind of have that seed of
thought,
but they're never going to come close to doing anything about it because they
know that this relationship is too good. They don't want to waste it.
They want to nurture it, they want to work on it.
And if the relationship where they went actually spend more time in,
and so when your partner is doing a lot of things behind your back,
then you have to kind of humble yourself and say,
did I not create the best environment for my partner?
And you must admit to yourself that there must've been a lot of pen top stuff
that that person that my partner could not express to me,
that caused them to have to go behind my back to actually get the fulfillment he
wants in his life. And that's a very difficult thing to admit,
but you must admit that it starts that way because if you don't admit that,
then we can't go anywhere.
If you're fully dead set on just blaming your partner for doing whatever things
they do to destroy that trust, then we can go anywhere.
Because the reality here, if you look at the reality here,
is that part of the problem is also your problem is that you didn't create
enough safety to where before your partner's dissatisfaction becomes into a full
grown plant. And they had to do all these really bad things to, uh,
to kinda get their fulfillment.
You must realize that you didn't give them the safety to actually express it.
When there are problems where it's just seeds, which just kind of sprouts.
Because what happens in really happy couples where they good couples is that
when some dissatisfaction, bruise taking share it,
they can talk about it and wants to talk about it.
They can come to some resolution and they can kind of understand,
here's how we need to do things differently in the relationship to make that
happen, to fulfill each other. But if you don't have emotional safety,
then all this stuff will be pent up and it will grow into this massive plant and
it's now out of control. And so back to this cycle of destruction here.
So this person is just continuing to kind of hide and do more things outside and
secret. But then one day you find out, you find out what he did,
you find out what he did. And when that happens, your side of the trust,
the second dimension of trust is also destroyed.
So now it begins with your partner not trusting you to become that person where
they can talk to.
And now they do things in secret and that when found out will destroy your trust
in a sense of you don't trust your partner to tell you the truth.
And so that's a cycle of destruction there. But notice again,
the cycle begins with a lack of emotional safety.
And if you've been following me for a while,
you will know that emotional safety is the number one key.
If you want to fix any part of your relationship is the number one key.
If you don't have safety, then you kind of express your gripes.
You kind of express your emotions, and if you can't express your emotions,
you can never address it. If you never address it,
it just becomes worse and worse than worse. And it comes up really,
really bad ways. But let's look at the opposite here.
How do you actually turn this around while the mechanics is exactly the same?
So it starts with emotional safety.
So you have to learn the skills to slowly prove and show it to your partner that
they can tell you the,
they can tell you the harsh truth about anything they're feeling and you will
handle it well. If you can handle it well, then you're telling your partner,
Hey, you can express the truth no matter how painful it is.
Because I want to know because we need to know the truth to resolve it.
And as you create more safety on your partner,
what your partner will slowly realize. It's not an overnight thing.
It might take weeks, months, even sometimes a year for them to realize, Hey,
this relationship is a safe place where I can actually talk about my feelings,
uh, talk about my dissatisfactions without something bad happening.
And when that happens,
you will realize that you're a part of will actually tell you more things and as
their Potter and tells you more things,
they sort of builds trust on your side too. Because now you can see up,
he started to be more open then, you know, I'm getting him less reasons to hide.
But another beautiful thing happens here,
which is that as you start to understand your partner's gripes in your partners,
this satisfaction with the relationship,
it opens more doors in a sense of you understand now what is going wrong with
the relationship and you can start to fix it a bit better.
And so the reason why people have trust issues and relationship is not because
they're partner lies or whatever.
It's often because they don't understand what's happening.
They don't understand their partner's minds because they don't think that their
partner would actually express the truth to them.
But if you create this culture where your partner can actually express that
truth to you,
that's a really powerful feeling because that's the only way you can trust your
partner back.
If you know that you have done everything you can and there's really no reason
for your partner to really hide the truth from you because one,
you're giving them a safe environment for them to express themselves.
And to this one is very important. Is that any issues that your partner has,
any dissatisfactions that they have? You know,
they're all out on the table now and you'll find that you'll be able to trust
your partner more because you know what's going on. You know what's happening.
You know that all the bad shit,
all the bad crap that is that can be destroying the relationship is not out on
the table. And not only that are you,
you're also creating some solutions for all those things.
And that's a very powerful place to be in. And so notice here that you know,
the good couples are perpetuating a very different cycle.
So one person creates this,
a sense of safety by being able to respond well to all these like bad truth,
really harsh truth,
then that makes the other person feel more safe to trust that, Hey,
whatever things I express can actually be taken well.
And once your partner starts expressing all these things and once you start to
come up with some resolutions to it,
then it will build trust on your side as well because you realize that the cars
are all out on the table. There's nothing that I don't know anymore.
I know white why?
He's the one happy in the relationship and it's all on the table so there's no
secret anymore. And so when there's no secret like that,
you can start to rebuild your trust. But again, the key here is always safety.
When you can create safety, you can start to perpetuate a very positive cycle.
But when you destroy safety, your cycle will start going down again.
And the bad cycle that we talked about will kept perpetuating again and you'd be
stuck in a cycle of lies and deceit and you'll really struggle to trust one
another again. And so if you understand the importance of safety here,
then I want you to leave a comment below with safety first,
just to show that you really understand how important safety is to a
relationship.
That safety is really the number one currency you have and whatever you do,
you must think the longterm game. And focus in creating safety. Number one.
And notice here too, that the cycle, it takes awhile.
So it's not an overnight thing. So when I work with a couple to rebuild a trust,
you might take two weeks, four weeks, a month, three months, six months,
depending on how bad the trust was destroyed.
But I can tell you that the only way to create this trust back is by one
creating the sense of safety and reestablishing that sense of safety first.
And you can do that by understanding how to respond well to the truth.
How to reward your partner telling you the truth.
Because that's the only way that the truth can come out.
All the harsh stuff can come out.
All the baggage can come out and how you can fix the baggage.
And one of the questions you might be asking now is like if my partner's the one
that destroyed the trust, he was the one who cheated, not me.
Why do I have to be the one kind of reversing the cycle myself.
Why do I have to be the one kind of staying calm and try to create emotional
safety and letting him heal his emotions. What about my emotions?
So understand that in the cycle it doesn't matter who starts it,
but someone needs to start it. Someone needs to start creating safety.
If it's not you, it has to be your partner,
but your partner is not watching this video, so he has to be you.
Because I understand that you're either perpetuating the negative cycle or
you're breaking it.
So you have to decide right now like do you want to keep living in this lack of
trust or do you want to actually take control and take some action?
Start building that emotional safety and reversing that cycle.
It's not an overnight thing.
It might take a lot of effort and some grit from your part,
but it's definitely possible.
I've never had a client who after following this system perfectly,
didn't recreate the trust back. It's always possible to recreate trust,
even stronger trust than before the whole thing happened.
Now of course your question now is how a case,
so if emotional safety is so crucial in rebuilding trust,
how do I learn how to create that? How do I create emotional safety? Well.
That's why I've created a four day training series on exactly this topic and
this topic. We'll show you the step by step way of how to start a conversation,
how to progress the conversation and how to end a conversation with emotional
safety as the main priority.
And this training will give you scripts that will give you some mindset training
as well.
It'll give you everything you need to understand how to create emotional safety.
And so if you're interested in this resource,
then click the link in the description box below this video to download that
training.
And if you're looking for a safe space where you can talk about the issues in
your relationship and actually get really good advice,
expert advice about those issues,
then you also want to join our secret Facebook group filled with people who are
just as committed and as enthusiastic on working on the relationship as you are.
So if you to join that Facebook group,
the Lake is also in the description box below this video.
And so you found this video to be helpful and it gave you some hope.
I know we didn't give you everything you need to know,
but at least if it gave you some hope,
some direction as to how to cure and rebuild that trust,
then give this video like and subscribe to this channel for more videos like
this one and leave a comment below. If you found this to be valuable,
what did you find most insightful? What was most eye opening for you?
We'd love to hear your thoughts,
but thank you for watching this video and supporting my channel. I really,
really appreciate all you guys being here, but in the meantime,
I will see you in the next video.