(crowd cheering)
- Oh! I hope Sandra Bullock doesn't give them back.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat techno music)
- [Announcer] The following
is a presentation of HB.O Sports.
(upbeat music)
Fall has begun and the Tosh.0 team returns to the office,
rejuvenated after the off season.
(upbeat music)
- Tuck in your shirt!
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] But not everyone on staff
has maintained peak physical condition.
Head writer, Nick Malice, has come to camp
20 pounds overweight.
Tosh knows
he must handle the situation delicately.
- You are fat as (beep).
(audience laughs)
- [Announcer] Tosh wastes no time putting his staff
through its paces.
- Except for me, I'm sure you are all a little rusty.
So let's get to work.
- [Announcer] After four seasons
and countless internet videos,
the team struggles to find the right clips.
- We're never gonna use that on the show.
That's not for us.
No! Idiots.
No. Come on, up your game.
No!
Nobody cares about produce.
You know what? Send me that link.
- [Announcer] Improvement is needed
and Tosh's impossibly high standards
cause some to crack under the pressure.
- Let's go, keep going, dig, dig, dig,
write, write, write, give me something!
Come on, come on!
Dig deep!
(audience laughing)
There you go!
Write, write!
(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
- Why are you guys coming forward?
Don't you know how to jog in place?
Come on, knees up.
- [Announcer] With tape day approaching,
Tosh attempts to motivate his team
with some inspiring words.
- Piss poor effort from every one of you excluding me.
If we do that next week, sons of anarchy
is gonna destroy us in the 18 to 24 male demo.
Is that what you want?
Then play like it matters.
Hit the showers.
(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] After a tense morning,
Tosh brightens the mood with some lighthearted hazing
of the rookie writers.
(audience laughing)
But things get serious
when it's time to make the first cut-off camp.
- Come on in, have a seat.
You know what this is, right?
We're letting you go.
Now this isn't the end for you.
- I gotta call my grandma.
(audience laughing)
- Call your grandma, weirdo.
- Hold on.
The problem is you write in cursive.
I don't like to read cursive.
No one likes to read cursive.
I'm gonna have to ask you to turn in your marker.
- It's been a pleasure working for you.
- Okay. You gotta go.
(audience laughing)
Where was this?
- [Announcer] With team morale at an all time low
and tension mounting, Tosh hits the studio early
for the final pre-season episode.
- And three, two, one.
- Welcome back to Tosh.0
- Perfect.
- Second string. Don't be too funny.
- [Announcer] Veteran backup host, Dom Herrera,
can't wait for his last shot at green-screen glory.
- Comedy Central doesn't feel
that I appeal to younger demographic.
Tell that to the 18 year old twins
I fingered last night.
(audience laughing)
- [Announcer] For Daniel Tosh, each new day
means a chance to improve.
Despite the fame, women, money, cars, men, world tours,
cartoon shows, Goldman Sachs accounts and designer dogs,
Tosh is still the last one out of the door each night.
It's the only way he knows.
(audience applauds)
(upbeat music)
- [Commentator] (indistinct) for his first (indistinct) win
since 2014.
(whistle blows)
- I got it, I got it!
(audience laughing)
- Could be worse.
She could have been at Baylor.
That's Ashley and if we go to the replay, we will see
that she did not have it.
This is what happens when you're on the sideline
at the Auburn LSU game
and you think you can share kickoffs
from a Lou Groves Award finalist.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
We interrupt our normal hysterical show
with a "Tosh.0 sclusive".
(audience laughing)
I have just received an illegal copy
of New England Patriot's owner,
Robert Kraft's, sex tape.
(audience oohs)
Airing it will hopefully get me blackballed
from show business.
I've been told by my legal dream team
it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
So here it is,
for your Emmy consideration, the Robert Kraft sex tape.
- [Announcer] ESPN, with the express written consent
of the NFL,
presents the 30 for 30 documentary, "Ejacugate".
(audience laughing)
- Stunning charge, the billionaire owner
of the New England Patriots, Robert Kraft,
- Caught up in a sex sting in South Florida,
- Soliciting prostitution,
- Robert Kraft paid a prostitute.
- Human trafficking,
- Paying for and receiving sex.
He was twice videotaped.
(audience laughing)
- A billionaire flew from Boston to Jupiter, Florida
to be jerked off by some 40 something woman
in a strip mall hours before the AFC championship game.
I can't even imagine the sick shit
he was doing before the (indistinct) round.
- Orchids is pretty filthy,
but it's the second nicest jerk shack in Jupiter.
Probably wouldn't go there
if it weren't so close to my favorite liquor store.
(speaking in foreign language)
(audience laughing)
- What this boils down to is human sex trafficking.
The New England Patriots support human sex trafficking.
- It is what it is. It is what it is.
- I've had it up to here!
Spygate, Deflategate, Aaron Hernandez,
Russell Wilson throwing the Super Bowl
and now Bob Kraft's rub and tug?
Boston doesn't want the Patriots anymore.
I hope he sells the team to OKC.
- He wore six rings and said things like,
"I'm the Patriot's owner Robert Kraft."
Which made it real easy to identify him.
- Because I'm a Dolphins fan,
people are gonna call me a hater.
You're right.
I hate human sex trafficking.
I also hate the people of New England,
but not as much as I hate human sex trafficking.
- Before the massage,
he insisted that the masseuse kiss his championship rings.
Bam, bam, bam! (beep) balls on that mother (beep)!
(audience laughing)
(speaking in foreign language)
- And I got to his office fully prepared to suck his (beep).
- Mr. Kraft wasn't able to achieve an erection
until the sex worker put on a Tom Brady jersey.
(audience laughing)
As I stated in my report, it wasn't a firm erection,
it was more like a raw chicken tender.
(speaking in foreign language)
- I am a season ticket holder.
So in a way I feel like
I have been paying for these hand jobs.
(speaking in foreign language)
- You don't wanna go in the room at the Robert Kraft.
No! It smells like something died in his balls.
- Human sex trafficking!
- I thank God we didn't get audio.
(audience laughing)
- It bothered me a lot more a long time ago.
Now after 17 years of it, I have healthy boundaries.
- The last 20 years have been forever tainted,
might as well give back the rings.
At least we got our chowder and the socks
down at the harbor with the wicked Matt Damon.
(audience laughing)
Sam Adams! Two!
- When you come to Florida, look at our alligators,
enjoy our space program,
but don't jizz on victims of human sex trafficking.
- I lost my family.
- I'll tell you who really got jerked off that day,
every young football fan.
I mean in a roundabout way, Bob Kraft jerked off children.
That's his legacy.
- [Announcer] Next week on 30 for 30,
what if I told you Mark Wahlberg
spent 45 days in prison for robbing and blinding
a Vietnamese man.
Derek Jeter presents, "Mark Walberg Did a Hate Crime."
(audience laughing)
- Did I mentioned humans sex trafficking?
When the real tape inevitably comes out,
I vow to air it every single week until I'm canceled.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
- Oh! I hope Sandra Bullock doesn't give him back.
(audience laughs)
Now you know why they call them special teams.
(audience laughing)
No, he doesn't play for the Raiders.
He plays for the Las Vegas Cobras,
a semi-pro football team where you get none of the fame
and fortune, but all of the higher risk for Parkinson's.
(audience laughing)
If your job requires you to wear a helmet,
nobody should expect you to be mentally sharp.
He tackled his own teammate, big deal,
it's not like he shot himself
or a dog, or been a strip club bouncer,
or smoked a sticky icky icky.
Oh Ricky!
Or is Ray J's wiener cousin.
(audience laughing and clapping)
You have to be willing to forgive.
I don't care if they read at a fifth grade level,
if you can read a defense
and not blow my three game parlay,
you're okay in my book.
It's a violent game with serious consequences.
Playing football qualifies you for only three things
later in life, coaching football, analyzing football
or successfully murdering your ex-wife and her boyfriend.
(audience laughing)
Corey was just a kid chasing his dreams
in front of an announced crowd of 79
in a Vegas middle school.
(audience laughing)
So we brought him to LA
to give him another chance
to smear the (beep) in this week's web redemption.
- Corey!.
- Hey, how you doing?
- What's up? Just out here in my game jersey.
- Oh really?
- Yeah.
- Game jersey?
- When you go to abs like these, you don't hide them.
(audience laughing) - All right, sorry.
I won't say nothing.
- I don't know how to do that very well.
First of all, did you win that game?
- Yeah, we won that game.
We won by like three touchdowns.
- Tell me what you do for a living.
- I'm a lab technician.
I work inside of a hospital.
- That is not the answer I thought I was gonna get.
- I know it wasn't.
What you want me to say?
I was a cake decorator?
- No! When I saw your tackle your own teammate,
I was like, I didn't think,
oh, that's a lab technician, clearly.
- Yeah.
- What position do you play?
- Defensive tackle or a linebacker.
- Are you always on special teams too?
- No. I just, it happens I went out on that one day.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
I've never, never done it before.
- That's like one way to make sure you don't play anymore.
- Yeah exactly.
- Are you colorblind?
- I am not colorblind.
I got that question a lot too.
- What were the types of comments people posted online?
- What the hell was you thinking?
Were you on drugs?
Who was you trying to impress?
- Your instant reaction seemed pretty honest.
- My instant reaction,
I've seen a guy with a ball,
he was running towards me and I tackled him.
It was an accident, it was a clear accident.
- Do you have any other good plays that came?
- Actually no.
That was my best play.
(laughs)
That was my best play.
- Good.
A lot of girls wouldn't sit like this.
(audience laughing)
They would be self-conscious of that, not me.
We wanna give you a chance to redeem yourself.
We're just gonna run you through a few combine drills,
make sure you're ready,
give you another chance to block.
- All right.
- What's your 40 time?
- Four I think, four five, four six.
- I think I can beat that. How much do you bench?
- 385.
- Now I know I can beat that.
(audience laughing)
Corey, Welcome to the Taj Mahal.
Whoo! I just feel fast right now.
Probably because I'm wearing all black.
All right, Corey.
Let's check your vertical.
Huh!
(audience laughing)
Did not want it to be that high.
Oh my goodness! (audience oohs)
You know what else is good?
- What?
- Laying stereotypes to rest.
As many as you can get.
Good thing I'm here to spot.
No, I get it.
You're stronger than I am.
- Really?
Really?
- Line 3.
- TOZ
- Line 6.
- EDFCZP.
(starter pistol goes off)
(upbeat music)
(audience laughing)
Hey, come on, I got a parachute on my back.
- Life is a parachute.
All right, Corey.
It's time for you to block for me.
I'm gonna return a punt
against the reigning women's professional football team,
The California Quake.
- It is gonna be hard to play without an erection.
- Hey, (indistinct)
See, I'm not good at getting you jazzed up.
So I thought it'd be great to bring in
all pro Super Bowl champion,
Mr. Bill Romanowski to help you.
Bill?
- Hey.
- Hey, how you doing?
- We're here for one reason. You know what that is?
- All right.
- That's to knock the crap out of somebody.
- Yes, sir!
- You hear me?
- Yes, sir.
- Are you ready to knock the (beep) out of somebody?
- Yes sir!
- Are you really ready?
- I'm ready, let's go!
- What time is it?
- [Both] Game time!
- What time is it?
- [Both] Game time!
(all chanting)
- The world wants to know,
are you ready to give it another shot?
- Yes sir!
- Let's go, oh my God!
(audience laughing)
Oh, I caught it. Don't tackle me.
This does not look good.
Let's go this way, let's go this way, let's go this way!
(Dramatic music)
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, there we are!
(screaming)
- Why did you hit me?
- It ain't about you.
- Ow. Good job!
(audience applauds)
And no, I did not let Romanowski hit me.
- Hut!
- Stuntman.
And by stuntman I mean writer.
Hit the (beep) out of him Bill.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Trying to get our two boys ready to carry
(indistinct) before practice, right?
12 cats live cross the road.
Our door's open, screen's broke.
We need to get a new screen door, but the screen's broke.
So you can come in through the screen
but you can't get back out.
I turn to look,
there's a little kitty cat in our, in our kitchen.
So I said, "What are you doing in here,
little kitty cat?"
By that time, the cat turns tries to get back out,
that screen won't go that way.
Cat starts going meow, all crazy.
And I told our players, we need more dogs.
Bo's barking in the back.
I have to go shut Bo up.
(indistinct) is like, "What's going on?"
I say there's a cat in the house.
"Cat in the house?"
I said, yeah, there's a cat in the house.
So I told our players, I try to let it out
the front door, (meowing),
the cat's still going crazy in there.
And I told our players, you need to move more like a dog.
We don't need a bunch of cats in here (meowing)
looking in the mirror.
I look good.
I got my extra bands on.
I got my other shoes on.
Be a dog.
We don't need no meows.
We don't need no cats.
We need more dogs.
- And I'm sure I don't have to tell you
but that's coach Dave Bennett
of the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers.
With inspiring words like these,
you know where this press conference will end up.
- And I told our players, you need to move more like a dog.
- Hey coach.
I think you need to be a little more specific.
There's tons of dogs with a varying degree of aggression.
- Be a dog.
- Now pit bulls, coach.
- Ooh! Pit bulls are good.
That's a fierce animal.
Problem is they're inbred now.
A lot of them are predisposed to hip dysplasia.
That's not gonna be good for your offensive line.
You should've said be like a monkey.
You want to be like a monkey
'cause monkeys are a lot stronger than humans.
Everyone knows that.
- "Cat in the house, cat in the house?"
I said, yeah there's a cat in the house.
- Coach, what's so bad about being a cat anyhow?
I mean, if it's a house cats sure,
but what like if it's a cheetah or a lion?
- Actually a lion isn't the best example.
It's the smaller cats that do the killing, like cheetahs,
things like that, and the lions just come in,
they scare the cheetah away and then they eat.
- I see, well-
- They're a very selfish animal.
- Well, the point is coach,
that any of these things would slaughter a dog.
(coach meowing)
- You're being a (beep) lunatic.
(coach meowing)
Let's plug this (beep)beer so we can end this commercial.
Ah, there it is, awful beer in a (beep) can.
- What are you doing in here little kitty cat?
- Hey, here's an idea.
Why not try making it taste less like (beep)
instead of inventing a super wide double vortex vent
so you can pour it down your gullet even faster?
- Be a dog.
- He didn't hear the silver bullet train coming.
That's what you get for being a cat up there.
You need to be a dog.
(both woofing)
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
- It's not funny.
She's gonna be out four to six weeks
with a broken spirit.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
(crowd applauding)
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
Get up!
That's called Tebowing.
And it's one more reason to hate Tim Tebow.
Before and after every game, he takes a knee
and reflects with God.
But if Tebow was really a good Christian,
he'd honor the sabbath and keep it holy
by not working every Sunday.
I get that Tebow's the leader on the field,
but you know who'd be even better in the huddle?
A professional quarterback.
He's not a pastor who's a threat to run,
he's a tight end who lines up in the wild cat.
He seemed good in college
because he was shot putting six yard dump screens
to a safety valve.
Oh, he won the Heisman.
Great.
So to Charlie Ward,
and he sat on the Knicks bench for eight years.
He's the only athlete who brags about being a virgin.
At least Tony Romo bangs dudes.
Knock it off with the Bible verses and abstinence talk.
I have it on good authority
that your V card got swiped plenty down in Gainesville.
Denver is better off without him, but try telling that
to a stadium full of chanting hill people.
Everyone is Tebowing these days
but I don't think they understand what it really means.
When you drop down and pray like him,
it should be after you've done something awful,
because that's what Tim Tebow represents, being awful.
(upbeat music)
- Nice throw Tebow.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)
- Okay, if it's fat drunk and slow,
- [All] It must be Chicago.
- Set, go!
(screaming)
- Da pole, did he get the first down?
No go for it.
(audience laughing)
The bears could use that pole at safety.
You can't expect people who put an entire pickle spear
on their hotdogs to be athletic.
- What are you guys doing?
Who is that?
- It was either run face first into a pole
or talk to a girl with a Midwestern accent.
I say he made the right call.
If you want a really easy win race a Packers fan.
(audience laughing)
- On your mark, get set (horn goes off)
- Two dogs, heavy kraut, chili, onions,
put some cheese on it.
Put another dog on top of that dog.
Maybe put some peppers, some jalapeno peppers.
All right, this looks like a, is that a Dijon?
- You lost.
(audience laughing)
- Here's a question, Packers fans.
If your hats are made of cheddar,
how come they have the holes of Swiss?
You think people who got that fat off cheese
would know the difference.
(upbeat music)
- (indistinct) It's time to get serious.
There is nobody better
and there is no other high school (indistinct)
play ball team that is hungrier than these guys!
Tylynne Eaton!
Heath Welch!
Jesus Rodriguez!
(chanting and growling)
We are by far the absolute number one best in the world.
- If he looks familiar it's because he used to star
on that show RugRats.
That's Chad and he makes motivational videos
to fire up his beloved high school football team,
The Knox city Greyhounds, which appears to be
in a high radiation area of Texas.
High school football is a religion in Texas
because anything is better than watching Tony Romo
(beep) the bed season after season.
If a high school football game
is the most interesting thing to do on a Friday night,
you should burn your town to the ground.
(upbeat music)
- I just want everybody to know
that I'm opposed to an unauthorized biography for anybody.
You know, one of these days when I'm finished coaching
in Alabama, I'll write an authorized book
because you know there is only one expert on my life,
and guess who that is? Me.
- What could a man with a horrible temper
and zero sense of humor have to hide?
Well, if he doesn't want me to read it,
I know what I'll be doing in my spare time.
All right kids, today we're gonna read the biography
of Nick Saban, which starts off with a quote
from Nick Saban himself.
Football is not hamlet.
It's not tragedy.
It should be fun.
Tell it to your face.
Saban who was then the head coach
of The Dolphins had publicly denied any interest
in the Alabama job over and over and over.
Well, guess I can close the book.
There's no way he's going to Alabama.
A man is only as good as his word.
- [Children] Keep reading.
- Saban knew how it would look if he left The Dolphins
after just two seasons.
He would be called a liar, a failure and a quitter.
Say it with me kids.
- [All] A liar, a failure and a quitter.
- But the decision wasn't his alone.
Yes, it was.
Nobody gives a (beep) what your wife thinks.
Wayne Huizenga was paying you millions of dollars.
You don't even give a (beep) about your wife.
You know why she wanted out.
She felt ugly in Miami.
And if you wanna feel smart, sexy and special,
you surround yourself
with thousands of toothless townies in Tuscaloosa.
She also believed that a college town
was a much healthier place to raise their two children.
- Didn't his daughter Kristen
almost murder someone with her bare hands?
- Yes, yes she did.
Saban says in the NFL, you were penalized for success.
- What success?
- Exactly. The NFL barely penalizes wife beaters.
I'm pretty sure they'd be okay
with back-to-back playoff appearances.
Saban had a choice between Drew Brees
and Daunte Culpepper.
He's gonna try to say,
"Oh, the medical people advised me."
He wants to take no responsibility
for picking Daunte Culpepper over Drew Brees.
- Drew Brees won a Super Bowl!
- Culpepper, knowing his career was being ruined,
shouted at Saban,
"You better get your short mother (beep) away from me
you lying mother (beep).
Let's be honest.
He killed Culpepper's career.
Culpepper was the co-MVP of the league.
- The other co-MVP was Steve McNair who was killed
by his mistress who worked at Dave and Busters?
- Well, I, I believe that's true.
Saban is five feet, eight inches tall.
- So is he a lady?
- Saban's go to gesture
when he was really angry was to reach his hand back
to grab his own butt cheek.
- Was he checking his own oil?
- Saban still eats two little Debbie oatmeal cream pies
every morning as he drinks coffee, here you go.
They're his favorites.
- You know what's in these things?
High fructose corn syrup.
- This is poor people food.
- So how does this story end?
- He had an asshole father.
Now football's too fast.
He's a piece of (beep) at the end.
(upbeat music)