first of all
kudos to this girl okay she's willing to
admit in front of a group of strangers
and her co-workers oh by the way i've
a
okay kudos to her
welcome to this is not happening i'm
your host roy wood jr
some say it only lasts 15 minutes some
people are gonna tell you it's a
mythical creature that lives at the
bottom of the rainbow
some will tell you not to overdo it
but if you ask me i say
enjoy it while it lasts
one of the best times in my life was
being a guest on his podcast about last
night
brad williams everybody
[Applause]
about two years in the in
the comedy i get a headliner gig which
is insane there was a dropout
and they needed someone they got me uh
it's a casino
in temecula california now if you don't
know where
temecula is start doing meth
you'll end up in temecula okay
you just get there eventually um
so i'm doing the gig there it's the
night after my first show it goes really
well
this is a friday night and then i get a
phone call
and and it's some organizer from a golf
tournament saying
hey where i run a celebrity charity golf
tournament that's playing here tomorrow
one of our celebrities dropped out
do you want to play in the golf
tournament
now you might be thinking why is he
calling a
to play in a golf tournament he was
probably thinking that same thing but i
play golf
i freaking play golf and before you make
the joke
you not miniature okay not
miniature
i play actual golf i'm not there i
lose the
real golf okay my dad started me playing
golf when i was two
years old all right so i'm actually kind
of good at it and
but i think the only reason why my dad
started me playing golf is not because
he wanted to spend time with me
because he wanted to advance my
character and nothing like he just
wanted to make
uh dad jokes he just wanted to make dad
jokes
that's it like my dad's not a dwarf he's
tall so he loves making dad jokes
and like so when we go play golf he'd
make the same one
every time his name's pete and all his
friends would be like hey pete you're
taking your kid
out to play golf is he any good and his
response would always be
he's okay but he's got a hell of a short
game every time
not some of the time every time
to the point where i would be mouthing
the joke along with him
just standing behind him and you think
that's bad but i started to like it
all right i started to like it i started
to like the game i and i started like
dad jokes to the point where
i would write my own where i would show
up with my dad
and be like hey pete your son plays golf
what's his handicap and i would yell out
dwarfism you
so i played golf and i had my clubs with
me that weekend so i was like uh yeah
i'll play in the celebrity golf
tournament that sounds awesome
by the way i am not a celebrity i uh
i i don't think i'm one now i certainly
wasn't one back then
but they they wanted me to play so i
said all right cool
is that right meet us down here tomorrow
so i go down on the course the next day
i got my little golf outfit on
and i'm not gonna lie to you a in
the golf outfit
is adorable okay it's awesome
like i look like the top of a
four-year-old's birthday cake okay
it's pretty incredible so i walk and i
got my clubs now
uh for the for the celebrities they all
have their names
on their carts and then they have uh
non-celebrities playing with them so
they know where to meet up they mean
that their celebrities cart
so i'm looking for my cart and i don't
see
my cart i'm looking like all right
there's billing ball that's cool
uh there's screech true he was there uh
and then there was uh the guy who played
carlton on fresh prince alfonso rivero
he was there
and yeah okay so not the best
celebrities all right
but i i can't find my cart i'm looking
all over i cannot find my cart
so i go to this tournament organizer and
i say hey uh
when's brad williams i'm a celebrity i
don't have a card by the way if you ever
have to say
i'm a celebrity you're not a celebrity
all right
no one gonna take my picture i must
admit no you're not okay so i'm aware
that i'm not a celebrity so i i can't
find my card he goes
oh i know where your card is and he
takes me
to this cart and there it is right there
on the name
tag we man
[Applause]
for those of you who don't know i am not
him
but that is something that has happened
to every dwarf their entire life okay
we always get mistaken for other little
people usually it's the
of the moment whoever that is so
ten years ago we were all we man from
jackass all right
and that sucked that sucked people think
you're weem and they run up they kick in
the balls they saucy in the shopping
cart
it's horrible now it's not so bad
now everyone just thinks i'm dinklage
from game of thrones okay
that's not that bad i don't mind when
people think of dick lynch that's cool
like he's funny he's a great actor in
the show he bangs a lot of hookers like
i feel like he's so popular i can just
run to a random woman start humping her
leg be like i always paint my debts
if you watch the show that's hilarious
you don't watch the show you have no
idea where everyone's laughing right now
that's funny to me so
most people if this happened to them
would get really pissed off
very angry me i'm a sick freak comedian
and i go this is going to be a great
story like i don't freak out i just look
and i go
all right i'm wee man today
now i was gonna tell my
group of uh non-celebrities the whole
story
because i didn't want them to be
disappointed all right but then
as soon as they saw me standing in front
of the car they
lit up and they're like oh my god we got
we man yes we got a good celebrity our
friends got to play with the shamwow guy
that sucks
and so like they're they're they're
psyched they're they're beyond thrilled
to be playing
with we man and i'm like i can't break
their hearts
i can't be the guy that's like i'm
actually a comedian
you don't know who i am but maybe i'll
be on comedy central one day
like i can't i can't do that so i go all
right
i'm gonna be wee man and god damn it i
was we man that day
all right i was when we were playing i'm
telling them stories about the show this
is when jackass was in its heyday
it was in its prime and they're asking
me questions i'm answering them i don't
know the answers
but i'm just like saying stuff they're
like is stevo crazy i'm like let me tell
you it's crazy stevo
story and i started they're like you
guys get a lot of girls i'm like there's
stds named after stevo
yeah by the way i'm friends with stevo
now and i've told him this story he
loves it we're cool
side note when i'm hanging out with
stevo it's impossible to convince people
i'm not
we man they're just like he can't know
too
[Applause]
so we start playing and we're having a
good time and these guys we're they're
drinking we're
we're playing holes and we're donating
money to charity i'm getting them to
donate more
oftentimes in these special tournaments
uh holes will be sponsored by certain
corporations they're
trying to raise more money for whatever
charity you're playing for we pull up to
a hole that's sponsored
by hooters all right and there's tutors
girls we all got wings we're gonna eat
we're gonna do that
and one of the hooters girls now
remember i'm driving up in a cart that
says
we man on it right i'm driving up we see
the hooters girls we're all excited
one of the hooters girls jumps up walks
towards me with her
finger pouring goes that's not we man
and now everyone's like what
and i'm like what are you talking about
i'm going to the wee man i'll kick
myself in the red right now like i
can do that
and then she goes no no no that's not we
man
i we man that's not
we man first of all kudos to this girl
okay
she's willing to admit in front of a
group of strangers and her co-workers oh
by the way i a
okay like kudos to her
and when that happens i immediately like
run over to her and i kind of grab her
by the wrist and i pull her aside and i
kind of explain the situation to work
listen know i'm not we man
they think i'm women i'm not i'm just a
comedian
if they put my name on the thing because
all midgets look alike to these
and then
i'm not him but i'm playing along so
they donate to charity they think
they're gonna have a good time like i'm
just just
play along with it and then like i
peeled off 60 bucks and if you're a
hooters waitress and temecula that's a
lot of money to you
and i gave her the 60 bucks and she's
like all right cool and then she goes
like oh
oh my mistake that is we man that is we
man guys
that's women once again kudos to this
woman
not only is she saying that like what
her sexual life is like to these
strangers now she's saying i'm so much
of a
i could a and forget about
it
so problem solved right
we're all back to normal the guys start
teeing off i
i kind of slink to the back to talk to
this girl and go like so you really
you wee man she's like yeah i
slept with wee man
he came into my hooters we hit it off
and then uh he said he had a hotel room
nearby so i went to the hotel room and
we had our fun it's like that's awesome
he's like yeah he was such a nice guy
like he took pictures with all the staff
and everything
and he's and she's like here i'll show
you she pulls out her phone
and she pulls up a picture and she goes
yeah there's us
and then my mouth drops because i'm like
that's my other dwarf friend shawn
how many people has she told this story
i don't know
but from that day on oh god i love golf
even more
and that's one more dwarf joke that i
can make on the course i'm brad williams
thank you guys so much
my man brad williams man