- Like flashings, like a flirty, like...
[giggles]
This was just, [grunts]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[cheering and applause]
- Hello, everybody.
Welcome to "This is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Ari Shaffir, and tonight
it's all stories about romance.
[cheering]
I fucking love him. You'll love him too.
Give it up for Mr. Kyle Kinane, everybody.
- This story takes place a little over a decade ago.
It was right before I moved to Los Angeles.
I was kind of making my rounds with friends,
so-- [clears throat] talking to a buddy,
and he's like, "Yeah," I'm like
"Hey, man, I'm leaving soon, so if you got any time
to get together," he said, "I'm having a birthday party
"with some co-workers. Uh, come on out, just--
You know, hang out with the co-workers, have a drink."
Say bye before you split town." So I did that.
[clearing throat] I met him at a bar called Durty Nelly's,
'cause God knows there's not enough Irish bars
called Durty Nelly's in the world.
So I go and I meet up with my buddy.
I get there, my buddy's day job--
I-I know him from when we played in bands,
so it's like weird, it's like seeing like,
like old punk rock buddy, but his day job,
he taught severely developmentally disabled kids,
and that was-- that was his day job.
And that's a--that's a hard job. Like it only my--
I couldn't even put myself in the shoes of people
that do that job, like to deal with, you know,
severely developmentally disable--and you're there,
and I-I got to the bar and it was all teachers
from the school, and they all--
They were drinking because they needed to drink,
and they--and they had the looks on their faces,
like--like Vietnam veterans have softer looks
on their faces, then the people that teach, like,
the special ed that they taught.
Like, I mean, like GG Allin can walk around
with shit smeared on him,
but he knows where that shit came from.
It came from his own ass.
Fuck GG Allin, all right?
Talk to a teacher of developmentally disabled kids,
like, "Yeah, I got shit on me. I don't know where it came from.
My back's turned, and I don't have another shirt.
Get some more shots." That's who--
That's who was drinking at the bar that day.
And--and God bless them for doing that.
You know? For little to no pay that they're doing that job,
and they're all just fucking drink--
It wasn't even beers, it was just shots.
You can cla-- Yeah, applaud for it, yeah.
They bust their ass and somebody's doing that.
Thank God that they're doing that,
but they drank like they did that job.
They were like I said. There was no--
There was no buffer rounds, there just be a plate of shots.
And then, like, "Wait, we're gonna wait for the beers?"
"We're not drinking beers, pussy, just drink your shots.
Plural. We each get three."
"Okay."
So we're just-- We're just drinking.
Just blah, like I got there, but they--
It was--It's still daylight.
[laughter] They're school teachers.
They were done at 4:00.
It's 4:30, and they're just... [growls]
And, uh, you know, as the shots are going in,
'cause you know--
cavorting and carousing, you know, that's it.
You know, you deal with that trauma every day,
and you release it however you can.
So all the teachers are mingling, getting together,
who's talking to who, and now I'm left
in the side room with a--with a gal.
And there wasn't even-- really any flirting
there was just some talking, and then she was--
Well, she--she was flirting with me--she started flirting.
Her way of flirting was to-- She just flashed me...
with a--
where there is a--with a totally ineffected face.
[laughter]
That's so off-putting.
[laughter]
- Like flashings, like a flirty, like...
[giggling]
This was just, [grunts]
[laughter]
And then she just left her shirt up.
Maybe she wasn't even flashing.
Maybe she was just airing out her boobs.
I don't know, but just like shirt was up,
and she'd look at me, and then she'd like
start doing something else, like,
"I feel like having a cigarette."
She digged through her purse, like, "Put your boobs--
Put your boobs away.
"This is a bar and grill, ma'am.
And it is almost dinner time."
So that was the-- That was the flirting.
That was it. That was me and--
My guess, me and you.
Unless I'm reading-- This messages are getting mixed.
Unless the airwaves are getting scrambled.
I think we're flirting
'cause your shirt's been up for 20 minutes
and I have just been looking at it.
So then she goes, "Let's go to my car."
That was it. There was...
no kissing, no necking,
as the young folks like to call it.
No old-fashioned necking.
"Let's go to my car." "Okay."
'Cause I've been having all the shots too.
I've been drinking like a teacher of...
developmentally disabled people.
I'm not built for that. So I was pretty shithouse.
So we walk out, and her car's right there,
in front of the door.
She was the first one at the bar.
[laughter]
So we just-- We get in her car.
And, "Okay, what are we gonna do?
Chit-chat? Get to know each other?"
"No. Fellatio."
Just like that. Just like,
"Oh, I guess I'll get in your--What is this?
Like a '89, '88? What--Oh, oh, Lord."
Just--Just right, just there
and I don't--
Because it's--Like I said, it's still daylight.
There--there people going to get meals.
And I'm also drunk, so I'm like--
Part of me is like, "Fuck, whoo!"
And--and another part is like, "Stop! Stop it!
"There's a children section of the menu for this place.
Knock it off!"
And so I'm like,
"We should--We should go around the corner or something."
She's like, "Ugh."
She was disgusted by the idea of privacy.
"Ugh!"
So, uh, fires up the car, and we pull out.
I don't know how much shit we ran into,
but just, turn the wheel and just bumper bowled.
We find a parking spot or a yard or something.
And, uh--
And there's just--
So there's some, like, messing around,
but nothing, and I'm like, "I don't--
This shouldn't happen, but it's--
It's a mixed emotion to be like,
"Am I taking advantage of you," or I'll also be like,
"Stop, stop touching. Stop, stop.
"No, s--get--no. Get out.
You get out of there." And--
But then I feel like, "No, I really shouldn't.
And, um...
then she's like, "Well, I'm just gonna drive home."
And that can't happen.
At this moment, she's a threat.
She's a threat to the community...
And that's when I realized
that just, out of pure civic responsibility...
I have to have sex with this woman.
[laughter and applause]
To keep the streets safe for the kids!
And, all right, if--
If keeping you off the roadways
for a few more minutes
saves a life, here we go.
And then we were both just dipping in and out
of consciousness through the whole thing.
There's nothing-- I mean, I don't care
how many, you know, Bruce Springsteen,
Bob Seger tunes you hear, like,
♪ Well, we had sex in the car ♪
♪ It was fumbly, but it was hot and sweet and innocent ♪
It sucks. No, it sucks.
It's just shitty, and you're trying to have sex
and there's just a gear shift
that's almost poking you in the ass,
and part of you is like, "Maybe,"
and you're like, "Yeah, don't."
Only at the fact that one of you get excited,
bump it into neutral, now you're in the traffic.
So and then you got one knee in the fucking change cup
and the other one in the ashtray,
and nothing's hot about it.
It's just clumsy and shitty, and maybe you come,
and maybe you fall asleep and who knows what happens.
[laughter]
Either way, we both wake up from a nap,
and, uh...
Both pantsless.
Just waking up from a nap pants--
Both just Daffy Ducking, right in the front seat there.
You know, that that we were all--
Whatever--whatever we built up to, it's happened.
So how do we...? What do you--What do you do?
Small talk, I guess.
Just like, "[laughs], so...moving to California."
[laughter]
She just goes, "My kids live in California."
And--and she took out a picture of her kids.
Her kids were as old as I was.
Like I'm thinking, "Kids," like, "We're having sex,
so your kids, like, "No, your kids are--
Oh, my God, how many? Jeez, you got hot kids, lady.
Oh, I just banged the mom of some hot kids."
That was the end of that effort.
"Moving to California? Look at my hot kids!"
All right. Dead end.
Still sitting there. It's rude to leave, you know?
Plus, we were still drunk. I don't know.
And suddenly I see a cassette tape laying there,
I'm like, "Oh, all right. Look at that, oh, Journey."
Thank God. Everybody likes Journey
and how metaphoric, because what has this evening been?
[laughter]
She takes it off my hand, now she gets mean.
She takes it off my hand, she's like,
"That Journey I taped over it!" "Oh, no!"
"With what? A slightly better band?"
"No." Puts it in the cassette deck.
Christian rock music. "Oh, mm, mm."
Which she promptly starts singing along to,
because she realized she sinned.
So I thought I was gonna just--
I thought I was gonna not stop believing.
Now I don't believe in anything.
[laughter]
I still don't wanna leave. It still seems rude to leave.
Like, maybe she just likes the chord progressions.
She was like, "Oh, it's not-- It's not Journey for sure.
It's Christian. You're a Christian?"
And somehow we just let logic
to where...she just--
Forgetting that she believed in Jesus, decided to get
real upset and say, "It's all your fault,
because the white man stole my people's land."
At no point did we discuss
ethnicity at all
in the evening
and, um...
"I'm gonna go."
[laughter]
That is kind of a good argument against the white guy.
It's just, "You stole my people's land."
"You got-- You got me."
[laughter]
"I don't know what else to do. Did we wear a condom?
Never mind. I'm gonna go."
And, um...
I just, uh--Yeah, I left.
I got out of the car at that point,
'cause I realized there was nothing I was gonna do
that was gonna remedy the situation,
and, uh...
I hope she's well.
There's no...cool moral
or a sweet little bow on the story.
Just a--Just a yarn about how I stuck my dick
where it shouldn't have gone.
[laughter]
That's it, so thanks, everybody.
[dark electronic music]
♪