Geoffrey here.
And in this video I'm going to show you how you can really cut through
defensiveness in your marriage.
And if you want to empower yourself to really take control and start improving
your relationship,
then you want to subscribe to this channel and click the bell button to be
notified. When I post five new videos every single week.
[inaudible]
you know,
it's so frustrating when your partner gets really defensive every single time
you're trying to bring up something small or to just tell them some very simple
thing. And it makes you feel like this relationship is really hopeless.
You can't even address anything,
but there's some reason why people are defensive.
And once you understand this reason,
you can really cut through that defensiveness and really fight through it.
And so let's get into it.
So the first thing you need to understand is really understanding the root of
defensiveness. So why do people get defensive?
And the one reason why people get defensive is that the other field of threat is
that they feel the threat and they feel this lack of safety.
And we're not talking about physical safety,
we're talking about emotional and psychological, mental safety.
So you imagine yourself in an environment where you know everyone's really
critical around you. Everything you say,
someone will find something wrong with it. Do.
People are always telling you how wrong you are. Um,
how much of an asshole you are, how bad you are and so on.
You're gonna feel very mentally defensive because you feel like this environment
is a threat. And when you're in that environment,
you're not sure going to graze your guard and be really defensive over small
things because you're going to have to protect yourself.
You have to defend yourself against this threat.
But once you remove this threat,
once you find yourself in this environment where you can actually say anything
you want and people will listen to you,
people might even agree with you and people will never judge you.
And so on that you can say whatever you want,
it never leads to some argument or some bad consequences,
then you can let your guard down a bit more. And so when there's no threat,
there's no defensiveness. When there's a lot of threat and lack of safety,
there's a lot of defensiveness there. So just understand that from now.
And so once you understand that,
let's look at how most people deal with defensiveness in their relationship.
So let's say you're having a conversation with your partner right now on a couch
and you're trying to just say some very simple thing to your partner.
But instantly they get very defensive,
they get very guarded and you wonder like, what the hell, what's going on?
And so what do you do? You get upset, you get angry and you say like,
why are you being so defensive?
You start forcing our imposing that they become less defensive. So you say, Hey,
can you stop being so defensive? Just tell me, stop being so defensive.
Just calm down. Or maybe you even give them like an ultimatum. So you say,
you know what, if you're going to be this defensive,
things are not going to work out by,
and then maybe you give them a cold shoulder. So you can say like,
I can't talk to you like this. I'm getting outta here. So you walk off,
well if you do any of these things,
what you're doing is actually increasing the threat because you're actively
attacking them again. So you can't lower defensiveness by attacking someone.
The more you attack someone,
the more they raised their guard up and the more defensive they become.
And so just look at the negative cycle you'll be perpetuating if you're
responding way. So your partner is already defensive.
You respond by being threatening and attacking and giving ultimatums and
assuming and everything like that, which makes your partner more defensive,
which makes you want to do more of those things more just attacks even more,
which makes your partner even more defensive.
And the cycle goes on until one of you is really,
really defensive and the other is really, really angry.
And that's how arguments escalate.
So if you can recognize the cycle and if you want to stop it,
then I want you to comment below, stop the cycle and show us.
They really committed to really stopping the cycle and that you want to
understand how to let their guard down and remove this defensiveness once and
for all. And so if we can understand that when someone is defensive,
all that means is that they perceived as threat,
then all they want to do is to remove this threat as much as possible.
And we can do it with four techniques.
And so the number one thing you should do when you're trying to deal with the
defensive partner is you want to ask for permission or consent before you even
begin to compensation. So before you even begin the conversation,
you don't want to just say your thoughts,
you don't just express your thoughts and get into the meat or whatever you're
trying to say directly. What you want to do instead is ask the question to say,
Hey, are you free right now? Can you talk about this right now?
Or if you're not free right now, when can you talk about this?
And you want to wait for your partner to completely agree with your permission
or consent and you're not gonna move on until you get that consent.
Then the second thing is once you have the conversation going,
start with what I call an inbound pass. So a lot of people,
when we have the conversation,
we think that we just have the right to just say whatever we want.
Now say our full thoughts and say our full expressions without thinking about
it. But when you do this,
don't just overwhelm your partner even more and they will get their guard up
really, really fast.
And so what you want to do is to make an inbound pass first.
And what is an inbound pass? So in basketball terms,
you know when a play starts,
they're not trying to pass the ball to one person and then that one person just
shoots it, right? The inbound pass, it's not a big deal,
it's just a pass to just get the ball in the court.
They're not going to do anything fancy with.
This is just to start the conversation you just to start to play.
And the same thing here, you just want to do something to start your play.
And usually the best way to start your plate is just by nonverbal touch.
And so just simply walk over to your partner to start the conversation and just
hold their hands or embrace them and hug them and really feel both your body
soften and your partner's body soften as you do this.
And if you're doing this properly, if you're doing the touch properly,
you will watch both of you soften because physical touch really releases a lot
of hormones that really opens people up and calms people down.
So start your conversation softly with an inbound pass.
And usually that means that it's a nonverbal touch in some way.
And when you start your conversation,
you want to begin with open ended questions.
So if you don't have anything specific to bring up, just tell your partner, Hey,
tell me how you're feeling. But if you have something specific to bring up.
So for example, your partner forgot your anniversary date, which was a big deal,
but you want to bring it up in a most artful way possible. Hey,
I noticed you forgot our anniversary dinner.
Can you tell me more what you're thinking there?
So that's a very open ended question that's not assumptive in any way.
And the reason why people get really defensive when you ask them questions is
that your questions are really assumptions disguised as questions.
So we say something like, Oh, did you miss her dinner because of X?
Did you forget our dinner? You always forget our dinner, right?
So those are questions, but they're not very open-ended.
Those questions are really assumptions. This guys ask questions,
they're not real questions. And so whenever you make assumptions,
whenever you judge someone, before they even have a conversation,
the guards will go way up and wants. The guards go way up.
They get really defensive. So ask very open ended questions.
And a good rule for this is whatever statements you make,
just simply end it with,
tell me what you think about that or tell me what you feel about that.
That's it. If you just placed this thing at the end of your sentences,
I'll be much better received.
And if let's say your partner is very defensive at any point in time in his
conversation, don't panic. Don't react adversely to it.
Just simply say, can you tell me more about how you feel?
Can you tell me more about that?
So just simply counter their defensiveness with some acknowledgement that their
being upset and a very open ended question. And that's it.
And once you asked that, you will notice that the guards go way down again.
And so as you're having this conversation,
you're eventually going to reach a point where you're going to get to a
resolution or you're going to talk about some solutions here.
And there's two ways you can do this.
The first way is you want to ask for permission to even start giving your
solution. So you want to ask for example, Hey, can I tell you what I'm thinking?
Or can I tell you things from my perspective? Can I tell you my solution?
And you wait for your partner to say yes. And once your partner says yes,
then you say, here's my solution. Then ended with what do you think?
And that what do you think is crucial?
Because you never want to impose your ideas on anyone.
Because when you impose your ideas on someone,
they'll get their guards up and they're going to get defensive even if they
agree with you. But when you ask me as the question,
you're inviting them to see if they agree.
And that's a lesson posing way and they don't have to feel any threat there
because they can say no. They can say yes whenever they want.
And so those hips are not gonna solve all their problems,
but they're really good beginnings to helping you conduct your compensation in a
way that I should have lowers.
Defensiveness lowers the threat instead of one that increases it.
And if you're looking for a more detailed resource on how you can lower
defensiveness,
how you can approach conversations and actually lowered the guard,
lower the threat and begin to have more open conversations,
then you want to check out my five day training series on exactly this topic.
And this five day training series will teach you exactly the step by step plan
on how you can start a conversation, progress a conversation,
and end the conversation in a way that's very productive in a way that doesn't
get each other's guards up and in a way that never escalates into any.
And if you're interested in downloading that five part training series,
then you can click the link below this video.
And if you're looking for a safe space to talk about your issues in your
relationship,
then you also want to join our secret Facebook group where you can get really
good advice about your issues and where you can talk to other members who are
just as dedicated and as enthusiastic about working on the relationship as you
are. And if you're interested in the Facebook group,
you can also click the link below this video.
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