If you've ever been human before you will know sometimes we don't
have complete control over ourselves. Let's talk about why.
One of the tricky things about being human is that we all have behavioral patterns we don't like,
emotional reactions we don't understand, or interpersonal dynamics that we're finding it
hard to break out of. In the first two videos of the series we explored the science of that.
We talked about how most of our ways of being in the world are driven by something I call
psychological muscle memory, in other words, we had to do that certain movement to survive.
Whether that's having rigid boundaries or attacking ourselves, we store those responses
in memory so they can come forward to protect us the next time we meet that same danger again.
They are our adaptations. We also talked about how once our brain learns to do that thing,
it doesn't really second guess it moving forward or even ask permission from our conscious mind.
Our brain just goes ahead and launches that set of emotions or behaviors almost like a reflex.
That's just how muscle memory works. It's kind of like when you're riding a bike, each muscle
isn't asking permission from your conscious mind. In a similar way, most of our movements through
the world are automated. The problem comes when we have automated responses to very important
aspects of our life or our psychology, namely how we treat others and how we treat ourselves.
We don't want those responses to be automated, at least not when we hit up against difficulty. That
is why learning to shift the brain's responses in these areas away from automatic learned ways of
being toward using our more full intelligence and capacity, what I was calling in the last video our
"true self" is key to a good life. Fortunately, that switch is also absolutely possible
and while there are many ways to make this pivot and that is why there are also many types
of therapy, today I want to talk about how this shift, this pivot, away from automatic responding
is achieved through Internal Family Systems therapy or IFS, which this video series is all
about. And the first language I want to bring in is that in IFS they call these automated ways of
being our "parts." Why? Because while they are true to us, they are a part of us, they are not the whole.
They don't rely on our full capacity, our full intelligence, our full brain to be online. They
sort of exist within preset patterns of firing in the brain or what we might call neural nets.
The other reason we use the term "part" is that it just reflects just the everyday language we
use to get at this phenomenon. Like my best friend really brings out the best part of me. Or gosh, some
part of me is holding me back. We have this in our lexicon because we all know that parts are real.
We also know that they can cause us trouble, like in the example I just gave, some part of
me is holding me back or a part of me is always judging myself. One of the first disadvantages of
having parts is that they only know what they know. Remember we're talking about memory here which
we talked about as a neural net it only has within it what is within the neural net. So
unlike the present oriented awareness where we are taking in new data and processing it in a fresh way,
when we are moving from a part or from memory there's kind of simplicity and rigidity to that.
These places also don't tend to evolve or change so they produce a lot of stuckness for us. Now all
that being said, the fact that implicit memory is both simplistic and sticky is not even the biggest
issue here, I mean heck, if your early learning was that you will do better if you are very kind
and compassionate to yourself and so you just automatically do that moving forward that's lovely.
The problem is most of our memory based ways of being, or our parts, tend to produce behaviors that
are really not that mature or sophisticated. Why? Well we can't wait until we're adults to figure
out our strategies for being human. That means our adaptations were developed by a child. I like
to tell my clients, remember that pattern you were stuck in now was the strategy that was invented by
the unconscious part of a terrified six-year-old's brain. Of course it's not that brilliant or kind or
whatever! I mean yes a six-year-old brain probably did not develop the specific strategy of over
drinking, for instance, but it might have learned to do whatever necessary not to feel,
because maybe feelings in my family were punished and then when drinking became an option,
great, let's do that. By the way, to say that most of our automated responses are immature,
I do not mean that as a judgment. In fact, I hope thinking in this way will actually help us feel
compassion toward ourselves and our parts. I think it really does help bring compassion to think of
our parts as children. I know a lot of people make fun of the idea of having an inner child,
but I think that's just because they don't understand the science behind it.
Whatever neural firing pattern got established when you were a child,
when it opens again, it's like your brain is firing in a similar way as it did when you were young,
because that pattern got templated. So if you can think about it it's like in that moment we become
the child again. So what is the solution? To learn not to become that child, but rather observe it. In
IFS they call this step unblending from our parts. In other words, getting some observing distance.
There really is a way when our parts take over, it's like they're taking charge, like they box
all the other aspects of our consciousness out. That is called being blended with our parts. They
are spreading out and kind of taking up all the mental space. It's kind of like in the movie Inside
Out when the characters fight over like who has control of that main panel, you know, and whoever
was in charge, that's sort of who the girl would become. So if you think of being blended as the
part kind of taking more space, it's like the goal is to kind of collect the part back into
its right size so that it still exists inside us but with a little boundary around it. It's
like a little containment. It's like I can bring it together and pull it here, that's called unblending
But how do we get that space? Well interestingly, the simple act of asking our brain to observe
something initiates a movement to get a little distance from it. Sort of collect it together,
notice it as its own pattern, not as the whole and pull it out a bit. On a neurological level
it's almost like in that moment suddenly the neural net is not the only thing that's firing,
our observing self or our middle prefrontal cortex is firing as well. It's kind of like
tapping on the door of the larger brain and saying, "I know you're in there can you come online please.
We need to be curious, we need to look at something, we need to reflect." When we do that, it's like the
medial prefrontal cortex is saying "oh that's my job, I guess I have to join the conversation now."
And it's that part of the brain, particularly when being asked to look at something, that is able to
help us get a little distance from it. Think of it like if I were holding something really
close up to my face and you asked me to take a look at it, I would naturally pull away from it
a bit. Without even thinking, it's just part of the act of observing is to bring something into focus.
So the moment the IFS therapist does two things, really introduce the concept of parts, it's like
"hey let's consider that this is a part of you and not the whole," so already the brain is beginning to
kind of shrink it into its right size, and then the therapist asks "can we be curious about it
and perhaps take a look at it?" Then the natural movement is this. Once we've got some observing
distance from that part, the second step is always to notice how we are feeling toward it.
In IFS the therapist always will ask, "now that you see the part and notice it, how are
you feeling toward that part?" And if our adult self is now online, the answer will be something
along the lines of I feel curious or compassionate like or interested, you know friendly. If that type
of wording is used, we know that we are perfectly positioned for some lovely healing work to unfold.
Why? Well remember in the last video we talked about whenever our full intelligence, from you know,
everything that we know, to all ways of processing information, when all that is permitted to awaken,
we are by nature pretty enlightened friendly creatures.
We talked about the eight c's of that you know calm, confident, courageous, etc.
We just suddenly have a lot more capacity the moment we unblend.
It's almost like when we pull back from that child state, we can regain access to our inner adult.
Okay, so here we are, we've just unblended from many parts that have wanted to jump in,
which has given us access now to clarity and compassion, and not only that, but we're holding
with that compassionate awareness around the part because it needs our attention for healing work
to unfold, and when all that has been set up, a big doorway for healing has opened.
Why? Because now we have a resourced wise self to use to help that part learn and grow. But by help
that part, I don't mean to move into teaching it right away. Rather we start with listening.
That's because any movement toward connection and opening of a conversation always begins with
listening. So, we follow our curiosity and begin to ask questions. Like if we're exploring a part
that pulls us to drink, we might ask it, "why is it so important to drink? What are you afraid would
happen if we didn't drink?" and it's almost like in that moment through our questions the part
can notice it's no longer alone. Even better it can sense there is a calm, compassionate, consciousness
that is truly wanting to listen and understand its reality. Because it's now in the eye of an
observing, loving, compassionate, strong adult, it will open up to that adult and speak its truth.
When we learn to unblend, we are both bringing a child part that needs support
into consciousness and focus, while simultaneously, through differentiating from that child part and
identifying it as only a part, freeing up our inner adult. And then we can bring the adult to
the child in a way. In that moment it's like we become our own healer, you know so that the work
not only happens in therapy but we're learning a way of being that we can carry our whole lives.
That being said, there's another direction this can go, at least temporarily, and that is when we
unblend from our part, instead of that simply opening a space for our true self to take the
central hub of consciousness, the space will instead be filled by another part. I sort of
hinted at this in another video and the example I gave was, let's say I'm a client and I come in, in
a stance of really blaming my husband for all our problems. I might be so blended with that part of
me that learned maybe, I need to blame others in order to survive, that I fully buy into the idea
that it's his fault. Let's say my therapist helps me step back and get curious and locate
that part as a part. Okay, so the therapist will of course ask, "how do you feel toward that part?"
Now in the first scenario, maybe with some distance, I can really feel for that part and see how it had
to work so hard my whole life to protect me, and maybe I can even begin to hear its voice saying
like "I'm alone, you know there's no one else here to protect me, I have to fight tooth and nail"
But it's also possible that in that space that was just created when the mind gets sort of
freed up from the first part, that instead of our true adult self filling the space, another part
will step in instead. So that when I'm asked how I feel toward the blaming part, I feel myself blaming
it saying, "gosh, I hate that part. I'm so ashamed, why do I have to always be so hard on my husband?
Does that type of response sound like the full compassionate, wise self? No, it's just another part.
So in that moment we have to slow down, turn our attention to this new part that's jumped in
and unblend from it before we can move forward. By the way, I hope it makes a bit of sense why we'd
have the second protector part, just ready to jump in, as if linked or in relation to the first part,
that is because, well, all the examples I gave, you know, of how protectors are there to protect us,
they were in relation to outer threats, but when we have a protective part come on,
it can become its own threat to our well-being. I know that sounds strange because protectors are
there to protect us, but as we can all understand the ways they protect us can create new problems.
So it is very common to have parts that are there to protect us from other parts. So we can begin to
see how inner conflict is created. I just want to give you an example because in case what I
just said sounds a little bit confusing. So I had a client one time who grew up in a family
where she learned she had to be perfect. So her protector part was a perfectionistic one.
Very driven, very serious, working so hard, but that pressure eventually was really taking a
toll and her mind was wanting an out. So she found herself occasionally flying
off to Las Vegas and doing a bunch of really risky behaviors that weren't like her at all.
So she came in feeling a bit ashamed, a bit crazy, but when we could slow down and see:
okay so this perfectionism protected you in this way but then this wild and crazy part
had to kind of naturally arrive on the scene to balance things out or you would just want to die.
It's like, okay this is always just really important for the brain. It stabilizes us
when we can understand things and see them clearly. So for my client even just being able to say okay
here's the protector part and here's the part that protects me from my own perfectionism by
occasionally going wild, just that piece of being able to organize things, which speaking in parts
also helps us do, has this wonderful benefit of making things feel less chaotic internally. Plus
now that I can see it all objectively, I can work with it and if I keep these parts a bit
separate, where I'm looking at them, rather than becoming them, it leaves my mind available to be
compassionate and helpful and really bring in some healing energy toward these parts.
As you might have picked up, not only is it important to unblend from our protectors
so that they aren't in control of our thoughts and behaviors, it's just as important, in as much
as it leaves space for our true self to take the lead. In IFS they call that stepping into "self
leadership." We are moving out of old and ingrained ways of protecting or taking care of ourselves,
toward deeper, fuller ways of taking care of ourselves, that really only our inner adult can do.
When our protectors feel understood and their fears have all been addressed,
they will hand over the reins to our true self.
Okay, so we've talked about unblending through believing that our current way of being is just a
part, maybe creating a bit of mental space between us and it by bringing on some mindful observation.
We talked about how there might be more than one part, but once you've sort of peeled back
the layers of the onion, this amazing adult has space to take the lead. And finally we talked about
how when that inner adult really listens to and addresses the fears of the part
a sense of security is fostered. It's almost like the parts pledge they're fealty now, you know, to
the true self in a way. Now you might think our work is done! Now that this adult is present we
can just live from there and face the work we want to do in the world from there. And that's
partly true, but, before we ask our inner adult to face the outer world in a new way, we ask it
to face our inner world in a new way. We find those inner places first that need the adult's attention.
It's almost like now that this inner adult or this greater capacity is online, where should its
attention first be localized? Well on our own hurt places. We all have wounded places in our heart so
we take care of those first. We all have parts of ourselves that never received really high quality
attention and care, maybe that really hold pain or have been wounded and have been waiting to finally
be taken care of. Until we have done that piece of work, the healing really hasn't been completed.
By the way, you might not be surprised to discover how we think of our wounds in IFS, we think of them
as parts, they just aren't the same type of part we've been discussing so far, which we
call protectors. They are the parts that were being protected. And while it's great to bring
some observing curiosity and attention to our protectors, the next step is to ask them who are
you protecting? If you've done enough to earn their trust, the protectors will step down and point you
toward your deeper heart. I'd like to explain the profound healing that occurs when our protectors
finally give us access to our wounded places so that we can show up and help those places to heal.
First however, it is important that we understand what these wounded parts are.
So that will be the conversation we will have in the next video.
I hope you stay with us as we explore even deeper levels of the mind together. Thank you for watching!
I hope you found this video helpful and if you did you can help me out by liking and subscribing or
if you're a therapist who would like to train with me while earning ceus, you can visit my website at
toriolds.com