(funky music)
- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know what's on
the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is, Breaking News.
- Hello and welcome to Breaking News,
the show where we don't know what we're about to say,
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Buck Fruckster.
(laughter)
Out of the gate.
And to my left is anchor number two.
She does have a name and that name is...
- Glennn with three n's.
(laughter)
- We begin tonight with the first story:
Babies.
Babies are the shriveled rats
that husbands and wives make by peeing on each other.
Everyone knows that babies smell bad
and suck at math,
but did you know babies turn into people?
- [Glennn] Smart scientists at a university somewhere
say that people used to be babies,
and when babies become enormous,
that's how people happen.
- [Buck] Fascinating!
So, I was a baby before I got so huge?
- Exactly, but babies don't stop changing
once they shape shift into people.
When people die, they turn into skeletons,
and the skeletons are made of bones
which are worth a lot of money.
After you die,
you can sell your bones to a weird dude on the internet
(laughter)
and he will pay top dollar to own your skeleton
and dress it up very sexy.
(muffled laughter)
He will kiss your skeleton.
- [Buck] I can't wait to sell my bones after I die
and get rich.
I will buy a boat with my bone money.
- [Glennn] Now we turn to the United Nations,
the building where all the countries scream at each other.
Our world news correspondent Dogboy...
(laughter)
Our world news correspondent Dogboy Dimples
is live on the scene to tell us what happened today.
Dogboy, what's the scoopity doopity do?
- Thanks Glennn with three n's.
Major news happened at the United Nations today
when all the countries declared peace on each other
so they could team up and kick my a**.
Russia and America agreed to be friends
and are planning to take turns paddling
my sweet little behind and twisting my nips
'til I scream for mercy.
- Dogboy, it sounds like you are terrible
and deserve all this.
- Yes, Buck, I'm the worst.
My stupid [Censored] Face is annoying as hell,
and my pie hole never stops yapping.
- [Glennn] What else will the United Nations do to you?
- Well, Italy is going to hold my arms
and Peru is going to hold my legs,
so I can't run away like the little [Censored] I am.
France is going to spit in my hair,
and China will give me a wet willy.
Then England will kick me hard in the ribs
and all the countries will laugh,
until they notice I'm not breathing.
The countries will scream,
"What the [Censored] Will we do?
We went too far, oh [Censored].
The nations of the world will then panic and run away.
- Thanks Dogboy.
We hate you, go [Censored] Yourself,
and great work as always.
- I say tornado, you say tornahdo.
No matter how you pronounce it,
the death toll is 85 dead and rising
in the town of Smishburg,
after a cyclone decimated it today.
Our weatherperson Crystal Lake is on
the scene of the tragedy.
Crystal, tell us about that smushed city.
- One second there was no tornado,
the next second it was tornado time.
The whole town is a [Censored] Mess,
and I have a list of all the buildings that were destroyed.
- Please read it.
You must read it.
Read it now.
- Okay, but only because I want to.
The tornado wrecked the town's all-nude library.
It demolished concussion stadium,
the beloved football stadium where
high school kids get concussions
and their proud parents cheer
"My son's brain is broken now!"
It destroyed the wax museum that only has
statues of Robert Downey Jr.
From when he was still addicted to drugs.
The tornado also sucked all the gorillas out of the town's
zoo and sent them flying way high into the sky.
Which is sad because they all died,
but also was kinda hilarious to watch because
the gorillas were very surprised and had
pretty goofy expressions.
- Just horrible.
I wish that tornado was a person so it could go to jail.
(laughter)
- Yep.
- I also wish the tornado would go to jail.
- It's interesting you say that
because the jail was also destroyed.
(laughter)
- Amy's crying.
- Sorry the jail was also what, Crystal?
- Destroyed.
- Oh, bummer.
(laughter)
- And it wasn't like one of those bad jails.
- You think that's gonna help?
Wow!
- Jimmy Stewart.
(laughter)
- I think we've lost Crystal.
- And it wasn't like one of those bad jails
with, like, injustice.
It was a cool, Johnny Cash-style jail
that people make awesome songs about.
Total bummer.
- [Buck] Crystal, did they say how much
it would cost to rebuild?
- Oh they're not gonna bother.
I'm saying the nice stuff about the town right now,
but honestly it sucked.
Mean people who deserved what they got.
- Mean people suck.
I saw that on a t-shirt once.
That's all the time we have for today.
Before we go, we must announce that today's loser
is Amy Vorpahl.
Surprising no one.
(laughter)
Incredible.
A near 100 percent meltdown.
- I had my face planned and everything.
(laughter)
- [Dogboy] With her face planned?
- I have a face that I can do that makes me not laugh.
But it didn't work.
- What is your face that makes you not laugh?
- I'm trying to do it it was.
- [Buck] Yeah!
That's not funny at all.
What a perfect parachute, a ripcord for you to pull
in case things get too silly.
(laughter)
- Stop!
Please!
- A fail-safe strategy to never laugh again!
(laughter)
Let me try that, see if that works.
(laughter)
- Hello I'm Jim Jam Smanglers the swindler cat.
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Start your free trial today.
And now make way for Sam Riche,
the manager cat.
Wait I can't sing!
Can't sing.