- During a very dark period in my life,
I found inspiration by reading the great epic poem,
the Iliad.
So, see, Seth, you're not the only person that gotten by
by taking ideas from Homer.
(audience laughing)
- He's a guy who's beaten every opponent
he has gone up against, except the letter "S."
(flames ignite)
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
- Look at you, Seth,
you got the spray on tan,
the waxed eyebrows,
the pec implants,
(Seth laughing)
PalinGen teeth,
the bleached anus,
(Seth laughing)
the scrotal tuck,
nipple enlargement,
taint augmentation.
(audience laughing)
But, I got to admit,
I envy you.
You've got boatloads of money,
three TV shows,
and still, even with all the work you've had done,
you can walk down the street, totally unrecognized.
(Seth laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Charlie, you claim to have tiger blood,
but with all the porn stars you've banged,
it's probably just Tiger Woods' blood, I'm guessing.
(audience laughing)
(Charlie laughing)
As you may know, Charlie Sheen is not his birth name.
His original Spanish name is Señor Drugs.
(audience laughing)
(Charlie laughing)
Kidding aside though, Carlos Estévez,
took his Dad's name, yes,
to gain credibility as an actor.
(audience member cheers)
I've seen your films and you don't really act like a Sheen.
But, you know, with your rap sheet and briefcases of coke,
you're definitely acting like a Carlos.
(audience laughing)
Charlie went on to star in TV and film,
both drama and comedy.
He was the star of "Hot Shots."
(audience cheering)
Which is also what Charlie feels when he takes a piss.
(audience laughing)
So, now, Charlie is a self-contained unit.
He is dependent upon no man and no thing,
except crack, Jack, crank, meth,
ludes, Vicodin, blow, acid,
uppers, poppers, E, nitrous, dust, hash,
and this one boner medicine from Norway.
(audience laughing)
He's the reason that a dick with cocaine on it
is called a Sheenis.
(audience laughing)
- Wow.
Wow.
- He's still with us, Charlie Sheen.
In fact, Charlie just celebrated his 46th birthday.
(audience cheering)
A statement no one thought we would ever hear.
Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry at the Plaza Hotel.
I wanna tell you though, Charlie,
I think she's lying
'cause I saw the scene
where you got arrested in "Wall Street,"
(laughs) you can't even make yourself cry.
(audience laughing)
But, you know, with all those dangerous jobs shows on TV,
like the ones about crab fishing, ice road trucking?
Why is there no show about the most dangerous job out there,
being an escort for Charlie Sheen?
(audience laughing)
How long must we wait
for the first season of Deadliest Snatch?
I'm ready to see that right- (audience laughing)
Right now.
(audience cheering)
Honestly, Charlie,
I never thought I would live to see the night
that you would live to see this night.
I really didn't.
(audience laughing)
- Seth McFarland,
the only difference between you
and the hooker Charlie locked in the closet
is that the hooker eventually came out.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
(flames igniting)
- Kate Walsh,
(audience cheering)
why are you here?
(Kate laughing)
Let me say that it is a thrill
to be around the hottest, sexiest woman of 2002.
(audience laughing)
- Seth MacFarlane.
(audience laughing)
Come on, everyone, take it easy on Seth.
It's gotta be hard for him to do a roast,
especially because "The Simpsons" haven't done it yet.
(audience laughing)
- That's pretty good.
- If only "The Simpsons" would wipe it's ass
in front of Seth MacFarlane,
he could learn to do it too.
(audience laughing)
But, sadly, Seth MacFarlane's bulky ass
is caked in layers of unwiped excrement and shame
because "The Simpsons" haven't done it yet.
(audience laughing)
- Gilbert Gottfried.
(audience cheering)
Just watching him perform,
you can tell he's really got some extra,
what's the word, chromosomes.
(audience laughing)
And I always seem to look like someone
just squirted lemon juice in my eyes.
(audience laughing)
- Seth MacFarlane, thank you for not singing.
(audience laughing)
And thank you for not telling any jokes.
(audience laughing)
I've heard rumors that you like to drink,
sometimes maybe a little too much.
Now, be careful, Seth,
you don't want to end up like me,
tall, handsome, rich, and famous all over the world.
(audience laughing)
- Look at you, you handsome son of a bitch.
Take off your hair so I can run my fingers through it.
You look right.
(David laughing)
(audience laughing)
You know, David, here's the thing,
some people call you a washed up, talentless pile of crap,
just a terrible human being.
I'd like to thank everyone for coming tonight,
and let's get started with the roast.
(audience laughing)
David, you're acting is like inception,
there's no sense of reality.
(audience laughing)
It's impossible to follow what's happening.
And midway through,
we realize you were unconscious the whole time.
(audience laughing)
(David laughing)
You know, I'll tell you though, my friend,
you will always be Mitch Buchannon from Baywatch to me.
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
This is a show that did for lifeguards
what skin cancer did for lifeguards.
(audience laughing)
Yes, for all his achievements,
for all this man's many achievements,
it was really Baywatch that made David a global celebrity.
David had an important role, an important role on Baywatch.
His job was to kill boners.
(audience laughing)
But, David is more than just a terrible actor,
(audience laughing)
(Seth laughing)
he's also a terrible singer.
(audience laughing)
He's the only singer in history
whose autotune just said, "(beep) it."
(audience laughing)
Guys, you saw from his big entrance,
David is hooked on a feeling,
the feeling he gets from six Vicodin.
(audience laughing)
Recently, however,
he hasn't "had time" to do another huge singing event.
Just like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck haven't "had time"
to write another screenplay,
or Anderson Cooper hasn't "had time"
to find that special lady.
(audience laughing)
(Seth laughing)
And the Hoff is multilingual,
they may not know this,
he can speak English, Spanish, German,
and whatever the (beep) that language was
in that cheeseburger video.
(audience laughing)
Yes, David, my friend, (David cheering)
you have done it all.
- Thank you.
- You've gone from Baywatch to death watch.
And I think-
(audience laughing)
I think I speak for everybody here
when I say that what we remember most of all about you
is Pam Anderson's tits.
(audience cheering)
- I consider Seth an icon, I do.
Like, I got a critique about Seth,
it's too much Seth.
(audience laughing)
See, but I think the problem is with Seth
is that he don't have a partner.
You know, like the "South Park" guys or Hanna-Barbera.
(audience laughing)
Hanna once said, "I'm bigger than Yogi,"
and Barbera slapped the shit out of him for saying that.
(audience laughing)
Seth needs a Barbera
(Seth laughing)
to slap him and slap him twice.
Once to say, "Hey man, don't forget why people love you."
And two, "Just say your gay."
No-
(Seth laughing)
(audience laughing)
No straight man writes that many showtunes,
that's a fact.
(audience laughing)
(flames igniting)
- You may recognize Patrice
from his many speaking roles in movies,
but only if you've sat in front of him in the theater.
(audience laughing)
I know.
I know, some of these jokes may come off racist,
which is why it's important to remember
that Rosa Parks fought
so Patrice could take three seats on the bus.
(audience laughing)
- During a very dark period in my life,
I found inspiration by reading the great epic poem,
the Iliad.
So, see, Seth, you're not the only person that gotten by
by taking ideas from Homer.
(audience cheering)
- Tyson has had three marriages.
The first two ended in knockouts.
(audience laughing)
- I threw in the (beep) towel.
- (laughs) Please don't murder me.
He's a guy-
(audience laughing)
(Seth laughing)
He's a guy who's beaten every opponent
he has gone up against, except the letter "S."
(audience laughing)
(rhythmic music)