What if I showed up to your front door and asked you - what's the most powerful thing
you can do or say to indicate rock-solid confidence? Its not what you expect. Today were gonna
talk about it
Im Barron Cruz...Welcome to The Charisma Matrix!
it's always interesting to me to see that so many times people as they
progress on through life you know thirties forties and fifties they can't
see their own blind spots of their social errors and mistakes that they've been making
four years upon years. And in turn, they've been getting this negative social feedback
but they just don't know what it was that was creating that negative social
feedback. There are so many different things are so many different sub communications
going on it's actually a lot harder than it sounds to pin down what can
oftentimes evoke a negative reaction. So the cool thing about that is oftentimes
if you're able just to point out to someone something they're doing
incorrectly just buy them noticing that themselves in their subconscious will
kind of take over from there and if any really other coaching or any other kind
of advice needed they're able to correct that because nobody wants to make social
airs nobody wants to get a bad response from other people ever so if they know
I'm doing this is going to create a better spot most of the time people are
going to be able to correct that too just so what I want to do today is go
through a couple key concepts around this point but also talk about some
things that I see very commonly with my students down public that people do that
both be vote negative responses they may not know but more importantly give the
perception that you're low status that you don't have a lot of power and
authority in your life that you get stressed out about social situations
easily that may be otherwise you should know although I make it kind of worked
up and act a little bit disgusted and off put by some of these non-committal
behaviors that people give off really isn't their fault
people or so starved for significance and power and authority in their own
lives I had a
video couple weeks ago about peer pressure talking about how people you
know they can become because they know they can get knocked off what they want
to do simply by other people applying pressure and in this instance it's just
another kind of fast towards that you look at the average person's life they
go to work and they have to suck up to a boss they don't like they have to act
verse implicated anything you want to get home and maybe you know a lot of the
cultural TV shows we see now it's kind of funny and chic for the wife to make
fun of the doofus husbands maybe he's a little emasculated at home and so of
course anytime he gets a chance to observe any power that he may have by
any means he's gonna do that but the problem is a truly competent person
isn't gonna do that they don't need to jump all over that because they know
they have power and competence and influence in all other aspects of their
life so let's walk through these and if you find yourself a green or find these
resonate with you is some things that sometimes you do in your own life that's
fine but realize what they're communicating and also realize it a much
deeper issue they're saying that you have a need to exert power you need to
cling desperately to these opportunities that are competent person would never
exert power over a competent person would be thinking from a sympathetic
stance you know how can I make this better for the other person in a walker
some of these examples as we continue on our love this expect everyone to
resonate with it just seems like everyone that works at a company over
the size of 10 has when these guys in each the guy that just loves to be at
work he'd rather be at work than be at home he's the guy this there till ten
o'clock at night in the first one there doesn't seem to mind it you know he's
not too upset we gotta come in on the weekend in the reason that is is just
maybe he's a middle manager or maybe he is in a position of influence and
authority in that company will that affords him the knowledge that he will
always be treated with the level of respect what he wants
will be respected by his subordinates because he
has hierarchical hierarchical there the hierarchy he has control over those
people because I guess if you look at it he can yank their salary he can have
them no longer be employed if the company which would impact their
families their personal life in a multitude of other aspects of their life
so people have to treat him the way he wants to be treated so likely outside of
work you know he's treated like any other doofus but he knows that when he
goes to work all the sudden he put on this coat that makes other people have
to treat them that way it's very desperate and everyone knows that I am
sure that you can think of the guy and worker maybe a couple of guys worked at
like there now but what is that communicate about him it communicates
that in his real life outside of work his personal life he's treated with a
lack respect he's treated poorly doesn't feel confident feel like he has power so
he wants to run and always being in the environment is power and its gross
especially if your subordinate that has to deal with that its tara was a
terrible situation but can you blame the dude wants to feel important of course
he's gonna go to the place is important you can't blame him but what you should
do is work on becoming more competent in other parts of his life outside of work
and that way he wouldn't claim like the jaws of death on to be in that
environment because he wouldn't know it's a more smooth level playing field
when he leaves he's not as big but dogs when he's in office you know going
around but at least he knows he treated with a certain level of respect so the
bigger the duality between the way he's treated at work and in his other life
the more he'll claim to be there now look at a guy like to use a guy like you
on Moschino I'm actually read his autobiography autobiography now
and he he's kind of a cocky guy I get sounds like behind the scenes most of
the guys he's kind of a drill sergeant but he's a very confident guy super
smart guys like he understands everything about his businesses to the
level typically the experts like the engineers the marketing I see you must
knows it better than they do some of the scientific in the design parts of the
spaceship he actually knows as well as some of the guys crafting and
fabricating so it's pretty crazy but do you think that guy wants to be SpaceX
because he knows everything a suck up to him absolutely not because he knows when
he leaves it to his mannerisms whose reputation all that kind of stuff she's
gonna be treated the same way if not even better not because people have to
but because of who he is he's a competent person and he folks that kind
of treatment for other people so we should always strive to have that level
of authority both within our business of course gonna rise to a level you have
authority and influence and clout but as soon as you leave you want to feel like
you got that exact same level because of the person you are the competence you
have and the sub communication non-verbal than other ways you present
yourself or going to guarantee that that happens now you know when something
sticks at you from 6th grade on that is pretty important it was pretty impacting
on your life at that time and i want to talk about something that has to do with
this that happen to me the sixth grade social studies teacher actually happen
to be a basketball coach to win it was his last couple years so he had to tend
to use playing a video in class to play 60 minutes throughout the period then
the next day
black maybe 45 minutes hope rewatching each part three or four times but this
movie was schindler's list which is a fantastic movie and there was a scene
where there was this one real wild not see that would just get in his head in
his room on his balcony just get a gun and start shooting the jews from his
balcony just because he could and one of the other guy I don't know if you do not
hear what he said you know what true power is is having the ability to do
something like that to exert your power and influence and choosing not to he
said the
pardon is the most powerful act you can have this is a long time ago so I may be
working it incorrectly but that was the gist of it so what happens next time you
had some Jewish kid that was cleaning his tub and that kills work like six
hours and you got everything cleaned up there was one little soap scum or
something that he couldn't get out he came and did everything I could I just
couldn't get the soap scum and he tried that on he says you know i pod in you
and then you know it shows the poor kid walking out later in his gun shoot him
on the way out he just couldn't handle that's a great example of someone who
has to use this situational power his party is in power that's the situation
he knows no one can do anything to him so he's gonna do that that really stuck
with me so think about that way when you're in a position that you can exert
your power and you have influence from the hierarchy environment the again pls
appeals to step back and not do it let me give you an example when you're in a
restaurant so you're a real nice restaurant and you serve your plate of
food and you see into just a long black hair the food and it's obvious it's it's
not hidden to feel like you to start up its on top of slain in their ok what are
you gonna do than on the incompetent the lower competent person is going to
immediately make it a big deal as possible
why because they are being served the restaurant responsibility is to give
them a quality product with out here that sanitary so course they're gonna
jump all over can you ever wonder she can you believe there was a hair that's
disgusting I'm running a review about this place can I talk to the manager
just ridiculous your razor was making a scene likely caused the last time
they've been in a position to be fun to have someone come up sorry that happened
was a long time ago so they feel like they have to jump on that it's sad it's
sad but that's the reason behind it was a really competent person do really
competent person is going to be very vague and keep it low key they're not
going to try to make a big deal to me to be worried about not embarrassing the
waiters they come over 20 min
Jessica maybe make another play this bring it out to be great
something like that now of course whenever babies up I know sometimes they
can be construed misconstrued as being too passive this is coming from a
position of power is a very competent person doing it the waiter ever does
anything that's rude like you know whatever just don't make a big deal then
you can make a big deal out of it is there any wrong way you know I like
speech emergencies and quality this is what I come to expect might come to rest
like this then you can take it there but most of the time that's never gonna
happen to be empathetic from their standpoint it's probably not their fault
they're probably walking in if there's a hair on the air
something that went in on it but it definitely wasn't the waiters also last
person you should be mad at them but someone who's above low status and low
power they're not thinking whose fault it is they don't care
chance to have power and authority can you believe this
take this back send this back to the shop this is ridiculous
clinging to that power clean up our so this happens quite often people send you
back for whatever reason to be sad to hear maybe your steak is cooked
incorrectly but notice how you naturally address these things and I'm guessing
that if you have more sympathy than you have outraged you're probably more
competent person you probably have more authority and power and influence on
your day-to-day life are the last example is around social norms people
feel like they can single-handedly put pressure on other people to conform to
social norms because all of society's behind them so as they normally would
never do something or confront them about themselves will do just the little
pink confrontation just to let you know cuz they feel comfortable enough to do
that
soul of the example your line at Starbucks and say you're talking to
someone is talking a little bit too loud
will someone usually very comfortable to shoot her sharp glance out and let them
know they're talking too loud
you know like it's totally bob and I can't believe it right but the funny
thing is if you were to confront someone say you're in there you're talking too
loud
little louder than normal and gives you that look and you were to confront them
at a glance shot me they're gonna say although I don't know what you're
talking about everything is fine how are you
they're never gonna stand up that but they feel like they have enough
authority and influence because it's a social norm because societies behind
them to shoot that little glance I absolutely hate that but it's amazing
that people feel like that's all the 13th nearly upset about someone talking
loud I mean say something to him and you know she talks a lot of our time
deciding what to order to keep it down but the problem but deep down but say
something the goal to stand up if it's really not bothering you don't do this
we'll ship shot we're gonna back off if someone was to say something to you
that's low status indicates once again low power low influence an example I
love his road rage people feel like they can behave in ways in their car that
they never would outside of it because the kind of protected from gonna run you
down going seventy miles an hour it seems like they're safe in their car
something I love is when you go to pass someone with HIV in the slow lane or
actually gonna pass how many times with the person you're passing speed up and
maybe even to the point that you have to slow down and get behind them with a
reason that is as they want their influence they feel slighted by doing
that they know there's a very little chance of computation after that so
they're going to speed up by golly they're going to exert that if you're
going to learn you gonna learn to pass me I'm going to speed up your gonna have
to go behind me in your face just another example people feel like they
have to exert their influence with the chance the last example is something
that I actually want you to try cuz I want you to feel how this feels and
that's another example when you're in a locking so typically the rate that
people move up when there's a space in front of them is so quick I mean less
than a second there's a spot moving right up in line so when someone steps
up just pause even five seconds and people are usually comfortable just kind
of getting close to like you need to be moving out like it's gonna change the
speed of the line but they feel they have the power of competence to get you
to move up a little bit one of those things like the Starbucks
not saying that was so they're gonna behind you just stand there so whatever
deal stand there for five ten seconds see what it feels like a notice of the
person is probably comfortable infringing on your space implying you
should move forward just use that there's no problem with it all you know
they're not going to say that they do so be it you know better align but as you
wish just whatever but not but they feel comfortable enough just getting close to
use as an example so that social pressure stand there and notice how
people behind you will typically do that I think that's enough examples so now
you know what to watch for any time you can pardon someone your position of
situational authority that you don't use you don't be like you absolutely have to
use his only chance you have to be important
do that you'll find as you naturally grown your social skills which which
leads to competence which leads to influence and leads to power your gonna
find as you improve that you're gonna feel the need to jump on those layups
those powerful lamps I guess they are less unless you just don't need to at
that point you're more worried about empathizing with the other person than
for you to squeeze that little juice of power that you can when it's handed to
you at a platter talk to you soon