(upbeat music)
- I always want to lose a little bit of weight,
always, no matter what your body looks like.
I just want to lose like five pounds.
We think that's the answer.
I just want to lose like five pounds.
(indistinct)
(audience laughs)
I just want to lose like five pounds before lunch
(audience laughs)
so I can have more lunch.
(audience laughs and claps)
Female comic shames her own thigh,
and in doing so makes millions of women question
their own minds.
Why can't you love your thighs?
Because I am a white woman, okay?
(audience laughs) We don't know.
We haven't figured that out.
Women of color for a couple of years now,
have been like, this is a thigh,
and society's been like, that is a thigh.
We celebrate it.
White women, somehow we're still like,
uh-uh, I'm gonna shave it down.
I'm gonna make it small.
(audience cheers)
I'm gonna be small.
I'm gonna fuse my rib cage to my shin,
be cage and shin, snip, snip.
Now you won't even see.
I'm the crab woman.
You won't even know it.
(audience laughs)
No thighs, can't see them, can't be big.
No thighs.
If I walk, I'm gonna put my thighs in the background,
put my tits in the foreground.
I'm walk around like this.
(audience laughs and cheers)
From here to here, I'm a woman,
but from here to here,
I want to be 10 year old Japanese boy. Thin!
(audience cheers)
It's not enough to just be thin, right?
You want to be the kind of thin
where your friends are worried for you.
(audience laughs)
So thin, horrible looking,
stalking around Gap Kids.
I wear a Youth Large, thank you.
Fucking femur for days, right?
Mr. Peanut Legs coming out six seconds ahead of you,
like an R. Crumb comic book thinner, right?
Just walking around.
Baby stegosaurus spine,
clothes hanging like moss off a willow tree,
a fucking clavicle you can serve soup out of.
(audience laughs)
So happy.
(audience laughs)
A big part of the reason women don't hit on men
is that women aren't seen as equal to men.
Therefore, when we step out of a traditional feminine role
and do something alpha and hit on a guy and he rejects us,
it hurts that much more.
And on a biological level, you know at your core
he's not rejecting you based on your shoes or your outfit.
He's rejecting your eggs.
You get up all this nerve to talk to a guy,
like, excuse me, would you like my eggs?
I don't want those fucking eggs.
Please, I only have but a few.
(audience laughs)
Women aren't seen as equal to men.
So it's uncomfortable to hit on men.
There's a lot more at risk for us.
Maybe one day,
in a utopia where men and women are considered equal,
maybe one day we can hit on men unencumbered
by self-esteem issues.
But as it stands now, that's not something we can do.
Our grandmother's didn't hit on men.
Our mothers didn't hit on men.
Maybe one day.
Maybe my generation changes it. It's too late, but...
(audience laughs)
maybe my generation with the hashtags and the tweets,
maybe we'll change it so that our great-granddaughters
can hit on men.
Yes, that's the dream
that we do the work now
so that our great-granddaughters will know the thrill
of hitting on a half in the bag Guido outside a taco truck
at 2 AM.
(audience laughs and claps)
'Tis but a dream.
(audience laughs)
I think what bothered me about the whole thing is
it was sexual rejection, no matter how you slice it.
And it bothered me,
because I wasn't saying let's get married.
Let's make plans to meet my mom.
It was a kiss.
And so even though you denied the kiss,
it's still denying me sexually,
which is very uncomfortable for girls.
We're not used to that.
Again, guys get sexually rejected as part of being a guy,
like, you want it? Nope. Okay, anyone else?
One over here, dick over here, penis over there,
want two, two, over here, over here, there.
Sold to the seven in the corner with low standards.
(audience laughs and claps)
It was a mouth kiss.
And you rejecting that is the equivalent
of you being like, hey, Iliza, you see this?
None for you.
(audience laughs)
Let's talk about this for a second,
'cause every girl's seen this.
I talked about this on my last special.
Every girl's seen a guy do this.
(audience laughs and claps)
So I've done some thinking on the topic of this.
And I want to let you girls know, 'cause girls get offended.
Like, that's so gross.
Why are you doing that at a family picnic?
What are you doing?
(audience laughs)
Girls, I want to give you some peace of mind
and let you know that it actually has nothing
to do with you.
He would be doing this, whether you were there or not.
(audience laughs and claps)
Take it as an insult,
take as a compliment, whatever you want.
I don't have an issue that guys do this.
My issue is that there's no reciprocation
on the female end.
Gentlemen, you'd be very upset
if you were like laying in bed,
ready to have sex, game's on pause, ready to go.
And your girlfriend came out of the bathroom
in just a T-shirt and no bottoms.
Hey, babe.
And she just did some sort of like weird vaginal puppetry.
(audience laughs)
Hashtag vaginal puppetry.
(audience laughs)
You'd be very upset,
'cause she just came out.
She's like, babe, hey.
(audience laughs and claps)
If there are any guys here not laughing,
that's how we feel about that.
(audience laughs)
We're drunk and we're walking through Chinatown
and we walk into a bar.
I'm reticent to say that it's a club because I'm 33,
but there's a dance floor and a DJ.
And I had a like a little bit of body glitter, okay.
Right about now, you're probably wondering,
Iliza, why are you wearing body glitter?
I will tell you, Chicago,
because my date was late to pick me up.
Gentlemen, you need to know this about women.
When we get ready, we have a list of things we do
to reach our most attractive point.
There is an apex, nay, a pinnacle of beauty
that women reach when they're getting ready.
And every minute you're late to get us is one more minute
we spend doubting ourselves,
dicking with our makeup and we get incrementally uglier
(audience hoots)
as time goes on.
(audience cheers)
One time, my date was an hour late.
I grew a tail.
(audience laughs)
This guy was only 30 minutes late, thank God.
He walks in.
I'm on the ground.
There's caboodle shrapnel everywhere.
I've got a Wet N Wild lip gloss wand, and I'm like,
I'm a pretty girl.
(audience laughs)
Save yourself.
But what happens is we have time.
So we start to add things, doubt ourselves.
That's where I found that glitter.
(audience laughs)
I think he's not here.
What's this?
In hindsight, it wasn't body glitter.
It was straight up craft glitter,
(audience laughs)
but I was like,
I'm gonna put it on my face, make it dainty.
Do you ever feel that?
Do you ever feel that you can make something work?
Do you ever feel that because you're not trashy,
you can pull off doing something that's trashy.
(audience cheers)
You're like, I can wear fishnet stockings.
I went to Stanford,
like it's okay for some reason.
(audience laughs)
I went on a date recently.
I made a real effort in my thirties. I'm 31.
I made a real effort to try to date normal guys,
because when you're in your twenties,
you can date whoever you want,
'cause you'll live forever and you're hot
and you're in your twenties, right?
You're like, what you want to go out?
We're both carbon-based, let's do it.
And it's fine.
(audience laughs)
I try to make some responsible choices in my 30s.
Recently I went out with someone
based solely on the way he was dressed.
He was an accountant, but okay.
Okay, I'll carry the conversation.
That's fine.
(audience laughs)
He had a plaid shirt tucked into khakis.
Okay, all right.
A little nerdling, that's okay.
Cellphone at a holster on his hip, dad style.
To the dads in the audience,
and subsequently watching this,
what text is coming in so fast
you have to have your hand ready Okay Corral style?
(audience laughs and claps)
The beginning of a relationship is exciting,
because it's brand new.
You're both on your best behavior.
It's still electric.
You're not totally sure about the history of mental illness
in each other's families.
It's fun.
And the most nerve wracking part of a new relationship
when you're younger is
the first time a boy comes over to your apartment,
because it's ostensibly like your girlfriend audition time.
You want him to come in and be like, oh, it's so homey.
I'd love to stay forever.
And you're like, yes, come closer.
(audience laughs)
That's what you want.
You try so hard in your twenties, right?
Because you're young and it's fun.
That's your twenties.
In your thirties, you don't try.
Your thirties: homeboy knocks on the door.
You open it.
You're standing there in combat boots, nothing else,
and a garbage can on fire.
You're like, welcome to fuck dome, Scott.
(audience laughs)
Ticket.
(audience laughs)
But it's interesting 'cause in your twenties
it's a weird mental game.
Boy's coming over for the first time.
You're trying to reconcile the beautiful home
that your mother kept
that you lived in growing up
with the beautiful home that Pinterest says
you're supposed to have,
and the fact that you have no fucking money.
So you're like, should I buy a rug or eat dinner?
I don't know.
It's so hard.
Boy's coming over.
You are cleaning like you've never cleaned before.
And it's hard, because women secretly are filthy.
(audience laughs)
No one wants to laugh about it.
Like not me.
(audience laughs)
And no guy wants to imagine,
like no way, my girlfriend's so hot.
Yeah? You think you got a hot girlfriend?
Check the center console of her car.
(audience laughs)
She's owned that car for a decade.
It's just every year, the shit just piles up.
You open that.
You're like, I didn't know an Acura came
with a time capsule.
You just shut it.
(audience laughs)
You open it again.
You just hear, help!
Like there's just something in there.
(audience laughs)
It's our little filthy secret stockpile.
It's a now that's what I call music CD
in case they come back.
It's one of those cables that plugs
from the tape player into the CD player.
It's a spilled nail polish.
It's like a little bit of weed dust.
It's a Calgon body spray,
'cause you'd rather smell like a stripper than weed.
It's a Lip Smackers Dr. Pepper flavor
that's just lying there with a gash in the wax neck,
like tell my children I died well.
(audience laughs)
It's an iPhone 4 charger.
It's some McDonald's napkins.
It's a French fry.
(audience laughs)
When a girl knows that a guy's a little vulnerable
and into her, we become like an evil witch
in Enchanted Forest and the guy becomes the lost ingenue.
We know let's say your girlfriend just broke up with you.
Let's say you were cheated on.
You're a little wounded.
We appear out of nowhere.
You're sitting there, like, oh, I hope I find a girl.
And we out of nowhere, just like, hello.
(audience laughs)
Apple?
(audience laughs)
Yes, I used to work in a pharmacy.
(audience laughs and claps)
Whole new life for myself.
And we start saying things to you to lure you in,
like, yeah, this way.
Sports? I love sports.
This way, come this way, oh yes.
What? A relationship? Not me.
I just want to fuck in perpetuity
until you grow tired of me.
This way.
(audience laughs)
Your ex-girlfriend.
Oh, she sounds like a bitch that I would love to fight
with my shirt off.
This way.
(audience laughs)
This way to my gingerbread house, yes, yes.
Come in and nibble on the walls of my gingerbread house.
What's that?
Yes, it's a metaphor for my vagina.
You're very clever. This way.
(audience laughs)
A lot of times we see a guy that we think is cute
and he doesn't notice us.
So we have to make you notice us.
A lot of times we get our girlfriend to help us.
Every girl's done this,
because a boy over there you think is cute.
Like, come here, come here, come here.
You see that guy? That guy over there?
(audience laughs)
Over there.
(audience laughs)
Do you see him? Do you see that guy?
Are you looking? Do you see him?
Don't look. Do you see him?
Are you looking?
Is he looking, is he looking?
He's looking, he's looking?
Start dancing, start dancing.
(audience laughs)
Keep talking. Say something funny.
Just start talking, just start talking.
So I don't look like a loser.
Say something funny. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
You're trying to put out this vibe that you're so carefree,
'cause you, and don't lie about this,
you want him to look over and be like,
oh, there will never be another.
There has never been another.
She is the one.
You want him to be so taken.
She looks like she doesn't need a man, so carefree.
I'm so carefree.
I don't use condoms.
(audience laughs)
So effortless. (laughs)
If you ever date a man that says he's an alpha, he's a beta.
(audience laughs)
A lion doesn't tell you he's a lion.
He just lets the girl hunt for him.
Okay, so we look at everything.
You think men judge women harshly, they do.
But gentlemen, you have no idea what we're looking at.
We're judging your hair.
We're judging your shoes.
We scan you, like Predator.
Every atom, every molecule of your DNA,
we go through it like scanning for physical abnormalities.
(audience laughs)
Is he balding?
Okay, but is it in a weird way?
(audience laughs)
Is that a goatee?
What's happening there?
(audience laughs)
Is his shirt unbuttoned too low for his ethnicity?
(audience laughs)
Is he wearing embroidered jeans?
If so, is he a European male
or just someone from Arizona?
(audience laughs) Like we go through it.
I think it's creepy.
I think there's something a little eerie about a bride.
If I describe to you a bride,
independent of the context of a wedding,
(hums wedding march)
Be mine forever!
(hums wedding march)
'Til death do us part.
(audience laughs)
The pace with which the bride walks is unnerving, right?
(audience laughs)
You don't tend to see this gait
independent of a haunting.
(audience laughs)
However, the bride moving slowly is the least creepy
of the options,
because let me ask you this, Nashville.
What's creepier?
A veiled woman walking towards you at this pace
(audience laugh)
or this running at you?
(audience laughs and claps)
(cackles)
What happened to that bride? I don't know.
She jumped into that mirror.
(audience laughs)