-For those of you who don't know,
I set a world record this summer by becoming the first person
to appear on NBC 390 consecutive hours.
-[ Laughing loudly ] That's my boy.
-Mom, relax. -That's my son up there. Whoo!
-Relax. Relax, Mom, come on.
-What, a mother can't be proud of her son?
[ Laughs ] Do you have children?
How many of them have gold medals?
-Mom.
♪♪
-John Belushi is on his way to a gold medal in the decathlon.
They're setting the bar at 7 feet.
Here's his approach.
[ Crowd cheering ]
And he got it!
Belushi has won the gold.
Now he's going for the world's record.
He's making his move. They're in the final turn.
He's kicking it in!
He's got it!
A spectacular time.
A new world's record. Unbelievable.
What a day for John Belushi!
-I logged a lot of miles training for that day,
and I downed a lot of donuts.
Little chocolate donuts.
They taste good, and they've got the sugar I need
to get me going in the morning.
That's why little chocolate donuts
have been on my training table since I was a kid.
[ Crowd cheering ]
-Little chocolate donuts,
the donuts of champions.
-Excuse me, I'm looking for Doug Frangelo.
I'm supposed to get a swimming lesson from him,
and he's supposedly the best in the world.
Do you know where I can find him?
-Uh, let's see.
-Never mind.
I think I just found him.
Doug Frangelo?
-Who wants to know?
-I'm Terry James. We spoke on the phone.
-Oh, yeah. You're the guy
who wants to go for the gold in Beijing.
-I know. It's crazy, right?
An average Joe with no swimming experience
wants to compete in the Olympics.
What have I been smoking, right?
-You've been smoking dream dust.
And Doug Frangelo is about to turn that into reality dust.
Okay? So you ready to go?
All right. Let's take off that robe.
You heard me. -I got to be honest, Doug.
I'm a little intimidated.
I mean,
look at your body.
-It really is something, isn't it?
Now drop that robe.
You've got a great, great, great body for swimming.
-I'm sure you say that to everyone.
-No, I don't.
I have never ever said that to anyone except for my wife,
1948 gold medalist Greta Anderson.
-1948?
That's quite an age difference.
-Age is just a number.
Besides, the most important number in our relationship
is 69.
You know what I'm getting at?
-I think so.
-You know the term, if there's grass on the field,
then play ball? -Sure.
-Well, there's still grass on that field,
and I intend to play ball
until the person that that grass is on is dead.
-Good for you.
-Now, let's get you strapped in.
-Strapped in?
-Are you questioning me?
-No.
-Strap in!
All right. Let's walk it out a little bit.
Just walk with me.
Let's just move a little.
Get to know your muscles.
All right. I like what I'm feeling.
You like what you're feeling?
-I guess.
-Okay, buddy, you ready to do some swimming?
-Sure. -Okay.
This is called the crawl stroke,
AKA freestyle.
Get to know it.
This stroke is gonna be your best friend.
All right. Here we go.
Mm-hmm. Yes. Good job.
He likes you.
-Who likes me?
-The crawl stroke.
Oh, yeah. Right there. Good swing.
-Don't we need to get into the pool?
-No. No. Before I take the ship out to the sea,
I like to dry-dock it for a little bit,
check out the hull.
Okay. Let's shift to butterfly.
Okay, the motion of the butterfly
is like shutting a car trunk.
So let's go. You shut that trunk.
Yeah. Shut that car trunk!
-Slam. -Yeah.
Shut that car trunk. -Wham!
-Ah, shut that car trunk!
Oh, yeah, you're doing great.
Hey, did a butterfly just fly into the room
and attach itself to me?
Seriously, great job.
Ah! Yes.
And if this swimming thing doesn't pan out,
I think you could make a fortune as a car-trunk-shutter.
Come on. Yeah. -Thanks.
-Now, before we move on to the next stroke,
give me a second. I just got to adjust my penis.
-Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I got it. I got it.
Listen, buddy, thanks for the assist.
-Okay, you know what?
I just don't know if this is working out.
I mean, I thought I was gonna get more pool time than this.
-Terry, you'll get plenty of pool time
after you've mastered the land fundamentals.
-And when will that be?
-Like two or three years tops.
-Okay, that's it. I quit. I quit.
-Nobody's quitting on my watch.
-Let me go! -Oh, no.
Come here, you --
Hold on.
You know, if you fight, it's just gonna get tighter.
If you -- It's just like a Gordian Knot.
There you go.
All right.
-[ Whimpering ]
-That fight out of you yet?
You know who you remind me of right now?
-Who?
-Amanda Beard.
She thought land training was stupid, too,
until it landed her a gold medal.
-You trained Amanda Beard?
-No.
Now, you ready to do this thing?
-Let's do it!
-All right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you. Thank you very much.
It's so great to be here, hosting "Saturday Night Live."
This seriously is like the ninth greatest moment of my life.
-Whoo!
Ah, good job, Michael!
-Thanks, Mom.
For those of you who don't know,
I set a world record this summer by becoming the first person
to appear on NBC 390 consecutive hours.
-[ Laughing loudly ] That's my boy.
-Mom, relax. -That's my son up there. Whoo!
-Relax. Relax, Mom, come on.
-What, a mother can't be proud of her son?
[ Laughs ] Do you have children?
How many of them have gold medals?
-Mom.
-Ah, I love you! I'm sorry. I'm sorry, keep going.
-Also -- -You're in the zone.
-Also, I'm very proud to announce
that I'm going to be a big part of the NBC's fall schedule.
So don't miss me in the new cop drama "Swim Cop."
If you commit a crime and that crime is in the water,
you're going to have to deal with me.
I've also been getting a lot of endorsement offers.
And you don't realize how important it is
to choose the right kind of products for your image.
-Uh, excuse me, Mr. Phelps?
-Yes, do you have a question?
-I do. You mentioned endorsements,
and I believe that I have the perfect product
for the Michael Phelps brand.
-Well, I don't think now is the best time.
-It's My First Meth Lab.
And it's the only meth lab kit on the market
that is specifically marketed to pre-teens.
I already put your face on the box.
-Wow. I would not want to endorse something like that.
I don't care how much you paid me.
-Paid you? [ Chuckles ]
-Thanks but no thanks.
See, that's a good example
of a product I should not endorse.
I'm looking for endorsements
that make sense for someone like me.
-Well, yeah, it's true, you -- you can't be too careful.
-Mr. Shatner.
What are you doing here?
-Well, Michael, I'm here to give you some advice.
Nothing is more important than integrity.
You've earned your integrity in the Olympic arena,
and I was born with mine.
So we must be vigilant.
We just can't throw our face on any second-rate product.
We have to save ourselves for the high-end brands,
brands like, um, Priceline.
Well, I mean, the only online way to book flights, hotels,
cars, you name it.
-Are -- Are you just here to talk about Priceline?
-No, no, no. I would never do that.
And do you know why I would never do that? Integrity.
And Priceline.
-Thank you. We have a great show tonight.
Mom, are you excited?
-Yes, yes!
-And how about you, Mom?
-Yes! -Yes!
-Well, we have a great show tonight.
Lil Wayne's here.
So stick around. We'll be right back.
-Well, the fall television season
is just getting under way.
Here now with a preview of the fall lineup
is Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte.
-[ Slurring ] Hey, Seth. I'm Ryan -- I'm Ryan Lochte.
-So, uh -- So, Ryan, you had a busy summer.
-Yeah, it -- I was America in Olympics.
-So, what are some of the new shows you're excited about?
-Uh, the first one's called "Monkey Hospital."
It's a show about a monkey in a hospital. It's --
It's so funny.
-I think you mean "Animal Practice."
-Yeah, the -- the monkey's so funny. It's --
It's -- It's not -- I mean, it's not fair
they give all the best lines to the monkey. I --
I give it three swims.
-O-Out of how many?
-Three.
-Okay.
So, what other new shows do you like?
-Uh, I'm really excited about that show "Goon."
-Oh --
That's actually "Go On." It's two words.
-Ohh. Okay.
It's -- It's -- Either way, it looks really go-od.
-No, that's "good." That's -- That's one word.
-Oh.
Okay, I don't --
I give -- I give it six swims.
-Okay, that's good.
-Hey, um, Seth,
do you want to know a secret? -Sure.
-If you hold your ear up to my ear,
you can hear the ocean. -Yeah?
I'm good. I'm good right now.
-S-Soup yourself.
-Okay.
-Oh, man, it -- It feels so weird to be dry.
-[ Chuckling ] Yeah?
-Oh.
Um, juice?
-Sorry, what?
-Juice.
-You want juice?
Oh, okay.
Here you go.
-Yeah.
-That better? -Yeah.
-All right.
Any other shows?
-Uh, there's "Elementary" on CBS.
I like that show 'cause I enjoy complex characters
that use their powers of deduction to solve riddles.
-Really?
-Nah, I just like the shapes.
-Okay.
Anything else?
-Uh, yeah, I was watching this one -- this one show,
and then like partway through,
there was all these other little shows.
-Oh, you know, those are commercials.
-Oh.
Yeah, that -- that makes sense 'cause I was in a bunch of 'em.
-Okay, great.
Finally, what about the new season of "American Dad" on Fox?
-[ Normal voice ] Oh, I heard that's actually really good.
-All right.
Ryan Lochte, everybody!