- You wanna party?
I'd be like, "I don't know. Does me?
Yeah, let's go."
(upbeat music)
Nothing serves as a better reminder to not having children
as setting your alarm for 10:00 a.m. on a Monday morning
(audience cheering)
to remind yourself to do mushrooms.
(audience cheering)
Have you ever taken mushrooms,
walked outside into your backyard,
and talked to what you thought was a tree for two hours
until you realized you were talking to your landscaper?
(audience laughing)
Have you ever taken mushrooms with your landscaper?
You know who has time for that?
People who make strong decisions.
I say I don't wanna be a mother
but I wouldn't mind being like a divorced dad, you know?
(audience laughing)
I could crush that role.
Coming in hot at like 50% all the time.
Yeah, showing up Friday afternoons with unicorn frappuccinos
and then back to the Cheesecake Factory
and then back to Starbucks and then drop them off
and skedaddle Monday before shit really hits the fan.
(audience clapping)
I could crush that role.
Or a stepfather. That's another role I would crush.
Nobody expects anything from you guys.
Those are the heroes now. Flight attendants.
Can you believe the shit
that they've had to put up with the last three years?
Innocent women and gay men
who just wanted to spend a few extra weekends a year
in Puerto Vallarta, now have to spend their shifts
duct taping fat Republicans to their airplane seats.
I only recently found out,
and by recently I mean seven years ago when I turned 40,
I only recently found out
that the sun and the moon are not the same thing.
(audience laughing)
I was flabbergasted.
I was in Africa on safari with my older sister, Simone
and we were riding an elephant
and there was an African man riding the elephant for us
because that's what rich white bitches do.
(audience clapping)
And we were trotting along
or whatever it's called when an elephant is on the move.
(audience laughing)
And my sister, Simone, slaps me on the shoulder
and she goes "Chels, Chels, look up at the sky.
It's not often you get to see the sun
and the moon at the same time."
And I was like,
I was like, Scooby Doo.
I said, "Aren't they always together?"
And the look on my sister's face right away,
I was like, back that up, back that up.
She goes, "What did you say?"
I said, "I didn't say anything."
(audience laughing)
But Shelly's great 'cause Shelly's the kind of friend,
when you're like me and you live a delusional lifestyle,
and you know, you know I drink excessively
and I'm proud of it and I don't feel bad,
but sometimes I very rarely have like that shame spiral
that you have the next day.
And sometimes I do and I wake up and I'll say to Shelly,
"Hey, I'm not feeling great about my showing last night,
you know?"
She goes, "You were fine. You were totally fine.
Don't worry about it."
I was like, "Well, I spilled a drink on myself."
She goes, "That drink attacked you."
(audience laughing)
That's what my housekeeper calls me, baby pig.
15 years together. And she calls me baby pig.
And now all of my friends also call me baby pig.
(audience laughing)
She calls me baby pig
'cause she leaves chocolate nut clusters, turtles.
That's my favorite snack.
She leaves them on my pillow every single night.
Which would be nice if I lived in a hotel.
But then she ups the ante
and she removes the cellophane from the turtle.
So they are barebacking my pillow.
(audience laughing)
And then comes in every morning going
"Where is the stain, you baby pig? Where is it?"
And I will never forget this image
of seeing the male dog round the corner.
And his ass was so giant
that even though he was running towards me,
that was the first feature I saw.
And he had that neck meat that I love.
The neck meat was swaying back and forth.
And then he had underarm meat
that was also swaying back and forth.
I was like, "Oh my god, this is a dog
you could hide jewelry in."
Cats. I hate people who go,
"Hello, I have a great cat."
Really? Do you? Think about that. No, you don't.
(audience laughing)
What is a cat bringing to the table?
Has anybody ever met a cool cat?
"Hey, you gotta meet this cat."
(audience laughing)
No, you don't.
We've got live cats in here.
Nobody has that sign.
Watch out for the cats.
Beware of cats.
Who takes a dump in a box?
A dump in a box in a fucking room?
Usually a kitchen or something involving linoleum,
another disgusting component of culture.
Takes a shit in a box
and then hides it
(audience laughing)
from the fucking person who saved them.
You're hiding your shit from your owner.
What kind of fucking sick cat are you?
I had to quarantine for two weeks.
It just snowed every day.
All I could do was walk the dogs.
I had never even taken them for a walk before.
The second day we're walking
and this Canadian woman comes around the corner
and she's got a big parka and UGG boots
and she sees Bert and Bernice and she goes, "Ah!"
And I go, "What?"
And she goes, "Why aren't they on leashes?"
I was like, "Because they're so lazy.
Like they can't even walk.
They're never gonna run.
Like, don't worry about it."
And she goes, "It's not for me.
Somebody else could think that they're bears."
I said, "They're both wearing handkerchiefs.
(audience laughing)
Do you know a lot of bears that get dressed up
before they go out to murder?"
It's like, oh my God.
And I know it must be confusing for men
because we used to like that. I know I did.
When you wanted to fuck a guy
and he knew about something you didn't know about,
you're like, yeah, you know?
You'd listen to him talk about almost anything.
I'd be like, yeah, I wanna know how a sprinkler works.
(audience laughing)
But then you guys overdid it.
You explained too much and now we're pissed.
(audience laughing)
I dated a guy for two years.
Two years, and I never opened my eyes during sex.
That's probably my intimacy issues.
But when I did, I didn't fucking like what I saw.
Not for one second.
Every man here needs to go home,
get in front of a vertical mirror, masturbate into it,
and look at the look on your face.
(audience laughing)
Look at it.
When you're ejaculating, look at yourself.
You like that? No, you don't.
You wanna bring that into the bedroom?
No, you fucking don't.
You think that's something we can recover from?
(audience laughing)
What the fuck is that?
I mean, I couldn't believe it.
This is a man I was like into.
I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you an iguana?
Don't talk. Don't ruin it.
You're lucky. Let's just get us wrapped in it.
And then go off on your weird shit.
Don't talk dirty, don't sweat.
If you're sweating, definitely don't talk.
Whatever you're thinking about saying,
cut it in half and then don't say anything.
(audience laughing)
I will never understand why straight guys
think it's appropriate to mention your balls ever.
(audience laughing)
Nevermind on a first encounter with a potential suitor.
I want every straight man sitting here tonight
to think about a time where you were on our first date
with a woman and you heard the term labia.
(audience cheering)
It's never happened,
never ever happened in the history of the world.
No straight woman, maybe lesbians.
No straight woman has ever been like,
"Oh, I'm pretty banged up down there.
It was flag day. You know how that goes."
Never!
No woman's like,
"Oh, I caught my labia on the Peloton this morning."
(audience laughing)
Unbelievable. And just so you guys all know
that happens to us every time we ride a Peloton.
So at first I said,
"Hey listen, okay, you're ready to do this.
I need to know what's going on in this area."
'Cause a lot of changes are happening.
You know, people think they're making a move
and then you find out, move isn't so great.
You know, I got laser hair removal
'cause some fucking gay guy that I was friends with
was like, "Oh, are you lasering your beaver?"
I'm like, "Oh, should I?"
I mean, this is like 10 years ago.
I'm like, "Should I get laser hair?"
He goes, "Yeah, everybody's doing it."
Why the fuck am I taking advice
from a gay guy who's never gonna fuck me?
And so I'm sitting there in stirrups,
in my R2D2 glasses while they're like lasering off my labia,
getting laser hair removal, eight treatments,
the most undignified thing you could do as a woman
just to hook up with somebody from fucking Braveheart.
I'm like, "Oh, thank you for giving me that heads up
so that I can go wax my vagina
and fuck a guy who's on The Game of Thrones."
I mean, go fuck yourself.
And then I find out big hairy 70s bushes
are coming back into style.
Oh, that's solid.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?
(audience laughing)
What? Get plugs?
(audience laughing)
He goes, "Let me cut the tension.
My name is Gregg."
I said, "Let me guess, two G's."
He goes, "How did you know?"
I go, "Because of your outfit."
(audience laughing)
And then he tried again.
He goes, "Quick, top 10 favorite bands. Name them."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Nickelback."
(audience laughing)
And then as a last ditch effort, he goes, "I have drugs."
I said, "You better."
(audience laughing)
I mean, that is the story of being a woman.
You're so horny. You're so horny.
You find somebody to penetrate you
and then you have an allergic reaction to that person.
Oh, so I go down to the pharmacy
and I'm going through the pharmacy aisles
looking for yeast infection cures.
And I come across Monistat 3.
Which means you rub this cream on your Pikachu
and in three days your yeast infection is gone.
Or if you're having a really good time
and you wanna extend it by four days, there's Monistat 7.
(audience laughing)
I was like, I'm sorry.
Is there not a 10 or 14 day option?
If I wanna treat this like a regular spring break
because I love scratching my beaver in front of strangers.
You know who came up with that medication? A man.
(audience cheering)
And then he calls my name, Chelsea Handler.
I go over and he hands me a pill
that's bigger than Diflucan.
The size of a small missile.
(audience laughing)
So I pop it in my mouth, I chug some water
and I get back out there and I go on the chairlift.
And I'm riding up the chairlift with two complete strangers.
And the pill is not going down my throat.
And I'm like, "Wow, this is a really big pill.
Why won't it go down?"
I'm like (choking)
I'm like, "I've bought to dislodge this
before I start skiing. It's dangerous.
I can't ski with a pill in my throat like this."
I get to the top, it's still not down.
I'm like, "I'm gonna got some more water."
I go into the bar, I get a margarita, I chug that down.
I'm like.
And the pill still will not go down my throat.
I'm like, "I'm in a real pickle here."
I'm like, "What is going on?"
And then I take the wrapper that it came in
out of my ski pants and in big, bold black lettering
it says "For vaginal use only."
(audience laughing)
And so I get out and I'm like into it.
I'm like, I can make it to the beach club this time.
And as I'm getting, as I'm holding, I mean
I'm holding this and I see this older man
come outta the beach club and I'm like
"Oh my God, thank you, sir. Where?"
And this man is looking at me in the eyes
in a golf shirt, perfectly innocent man,
and just sees shit exploding.
Now I'm convinced my vagina has become one with my asshole.
It's like a fucking canoe has formed.
I mean, it's going off like asteroids
are coming out in different directions.
And he is looking at me and all I can think is
what can I say to make this not be what this is?
I was in a mud bath and I just swam in from a foreign land.
He knew that I was shitting my pants
and I knew that he knew
that he could see me shitting my pants.
And I looked at him and I said,
"Sir, you have to look away.
Please look away.
I mean, come on, look at me."
(audience laughing)
And he turned around, he goes
"Of course, Miss Handler."
(audience laughing)
(jazzy music)