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the truth is while during our childhood
we are constantly learning about reality
and what to expect and how to respond
once we have those assumptions we pretty
much just stick with them through the
rest of our adult life why it would just
simply be too cumbersome to always be
walking around like willing to learn how
to be human again fresh every day you
know with no assumptions about what's
about to happen and how should I respond
so once we kind of have the learning
down we just automate it and assume that
those rules are going to stick with us
and we can use them in an unconscious
way moving forward the problem is those
expectations or rules don't always serve
us anymore why well they're based on a
reality we're no longer in at the very
least we are no longer the same we're
not the same people we're adults now and
as adults we have different capacities
and different options we're also very
very likely around different people and
it's nice if our brain can like get that
memo sort of now certainly we do learn
from our adult experiences but usually
those learning is kind of exists in
different memory systems so that the new
learning can be parallel and in
competition with the old without
necessarily changing what we originally
learned and therapies like CBT do a good
job of sort of bolstering or
strengthening the new learning so it can
compete and perhaps even override our
original felt sense of reality and that
produces incremental change which is a
good thing but today I want to talk to
you about transformational change to
borrow a term from Bruce occur and then
transformational change we actually go
to the original learning itself update
it with new information so that then
whatever symptoms or struggles were sort
of launched by this belief that I can't
trust people or I have to always please
them whatever outcome from this belief
can sort of naturally dissolve ongoingly
without constantly having to try to
override it or convince ourselves that
it is a good idea to do something that
is different than what our original
learning
so those original learnings
traditionally have been called schemas
so we'll use that term so some examples
of schemas are in order to get attention
I have to be perfect or I have to be bad
if I let myself feel sad I'll be
rejected and then I'll be alone with the
sadness in a way that's so overwhelming
that I have to find a way to not let
myself feel sadness
so these underlying associations and
beliefs about how the world works these
schemas they exist in something called
implicit memory now scientists used to
believe that implicit memory once it was
encoded cannot be changed but now we do
know that it is possible to update our
implicit schemas so there's all sorts of
tricks that people have developed to
make this process easier many of which
use imagination one of my favorite of
these is what's called doing parts work
in other words picturing these little
schemas as a little person as crazy as
that sounds when we picture that as a
little personality or a little creature
person inside our mind it makes it
easier for the brain to both ask
questions and listen for answers simply
because the brain is just much more
accustomed to dialoguing with people so
if you picture it in that way the brain
is just on more familiar territory and
also these little schemas they have
within them like a worldview an
expectation of reality emotions and
behavioral impulses behavioral patterns
so if you think about it in a way they
are like these little simplified people
or personalities so actually the
metaphor that image helps the brain kind
of collect what otherwise could seem
kind of complex into one image because
we're used to people being that complex
we're used to them having a take on
reality and a behavior so that image
actually will capture for us like a make
it more concrete for our mind if we
tuned into a behavioral pattern or a
critical inner voice and say okay if
that were
person what would it look like okay
that's me at 10 years old kind of curled
up I'm scared and I'm telling myself
these things or that's a part of me
that's like really tough and trying to
you know it's like a little scrappy you
know inner part and she's angry
so we might begin to have an image like
that simply because then we've like more
localized that schema and can more
comfortably begin to have a conversation
or relationship with it so we might ask
the little girl who's in the corner like
okay why what are you what are you doing
there why are you so scared why are you
curled up why are you disconnecting from
everybody you love and then if we asked
it kindly which interestingly there are
rules of relationship still apply like
if we go to a part of our mind and are
critical like God why are you so afraid
get over it
we're not gonna get information but if
we go nicely and really sincerely ask
then that part will give us the response
back and begin to like open for us the
information that is held in that part of
the brain so there are many forms of
therapy that work this way with parts
most famously internal family systems
there is even a book called self therapy
that teaches you how to work with your
own parts in that manner but whatever
technique you use the important thing is
to figure out what your mind believes
and when you're approaching that mission
the first step is to start with where
your suffering so figure out what point
of suffering or what pattern that either
causes me pain or causes me to get stuck
what is it that I don't like about my
own way of processing life it's easiest
if you can start with a behavioral
response like something you actually do
like criticizing yourself or gosh I
always nag at my husband or always shut
down when someone's giving me a
compliment but you can also start with
just an anxious feeling or a depressed
mood but either way begin to bring it
into focus if you do it like with parts
work you might see a person or you might
just find it in your body like this is
where that
place lives and then other images like a
black hole or an animal might come but
sure enough information will begin to
come into awareness like associations
that can give some meaning as to what
the beliefs that underlie either that
feeling or that behavioral pattern so
let's just say the pattern is
self-criticism so you might tune in you
might picture the inner critic if you
want to do it with parts and ask it what
are you afraid would happen if you
stopped criticizing me again that's what
we're getting toward what are you afraid
would happen if you stopped doing X Y &
Z or if you don't want to do parts work
you can just tune into God when I'm
feeling self-critical there's like this
tightness in my chest and you might just
stay there and say okay and fill in the
sentence I must be self-critical I must
tell myself I'm bad because if I don't
and just see what comes let's try it a
number of times I must tell myself I'm
bad because if I don't begin to let the
sort of coherent meaningful like the way
that this actually does make sense and
it is a weird way adaptive or a solution
to a problem beginning to assume it's
there and letting that information
emerge if it really doesn't feel like an
adaptation like it just feels like a
sadness and maybe you can even identify
part like that's me at 10 years old when
my dad died or something well it may be
more like a memory of an emotion or an
emotional truth of like aloneness
because there really was a time you were
alone in that moment the the next step
would be to just show up for that part
and give support love self compassion
connection in a way that is actually a
dis confirmation because it's saying oh
there's a deep sense of aloneness but
I'm here but sometimes just giving care
to a place that simply scare
a hurting can be a wonderful person
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