- We made it to the big leagues, my man.
(camera clicks)
- Happy business trip!
- Whoa!
♪ You gotta ♪ ♪ You gotta ♪
♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- Anders,
I got a mission for you, stretch
- Uh, ma'am, yes ma'am.
- I'm sending you to the North Rancho College job fair
to recruit some new employees.
- Wow.
- Grab a couple of people to help you get contact info
on 100 people interested in working here.
- You got it. I will assemble my team right now.
- Great.
♪ TelAmeriCorp ♪
♪ Come make phone calls with me ♪
- Come on and join the TelAmerican army,
where the frontline is the landline.
It's phones.
We just make phone calls all day.
- Hey, Army man.
- Yeah?
- You uh,
take requests?
Because I request you take that mic
and shove it up your ass.
Get some. (recruiter laughs)
- Well, who are you guys? What do we got?
Oh, US Coast Guard, cool.
Yeah, I, I get it,
'cause you guys coast on the backs
of the people who really guard our country.
(student laughs)
Oh my God! Did one of you guys just fart?
'Cause it smells like salty dick.
(students laugh)
Whoo!
I'm downwind.
Uh, you guys wanna see my impression of the Navy?
(Anders beeping)
And here's my impression of the U.S. Coast Guard.
( *atmo)
- Hey, you better watch your mouth.
- Get back. Back. - Okay!
Yeah, sign up, man.
Just need your name, email, phone number, and a
stool sample.
Just kidding, I'm not the Coast Guard.
Hey, who wants to be the 100th contact
given to TelAmeriCorp?
Hook a brother up. (Lance slurping)
The Coast Guard! What's going on?
Wait a second!
If you guys are here,
who's doing nothing on the boat? (laughs)
'Cause you guys,
I don't know what you do,
what do you guys even do? Do you have boats?
- Yeah, we get it.
- Yeah no, you're a regular Gabriel Iglesias.
- I wouldn't say that.
Fluffy's very talented.
- You really shouldn't make jokes
about the military like that.
- Okay...
What are you guys gonna do, gimme a code red?
- That's actually not a bad idea.
(Anders grunts) ( ** music)
- [Anders] Come on, guys, please.
Don't do this.
Oh no, man!
- Nothing like a taste of Code Red on a hot day,
am I right?
- My butt hairs are all fizzy now!
- I think Officer Petty Tailwags is looking
a little thirsty.
- What?
Who's Officer Petty Tailwags?
That's not good, that's not good.
That's not good.
That's not... Bad.
- There we go. - Uh, (laughs) okay.
- Normally, we spend our shore leave fucking,
not teaching manners to phone jockeys.
(paper rips)
- [Brock] Come on, Lance.
- Look, I just wanted to apologize to you guys.
We got off on the wrong foot.
I'm here to clear the air
with a Gabriel Iglesias-style joke.
- Better be funny.
- It's, it's funny.
There's an Air Force guy and a Coast Guard guy,
and they're walking down the street, right?
And they see this kid
playing with a pile of poop.
So they go, "Hey, kid, what are you,
what are you making?"
Kid goes, "Uh, I'm making a pilot."
(Brock and Lance laugh)
- Nice. - Get him!
- Air Force guy's like, "What?"
And then the kid says, uh,
"Yeah, I would've made a Coast Guard,
but I didn't have enough shit."
Freaking see ya!
♪ I said no ♪
♪ Not my Beatle A, oh ♪
♪ Not my Beatle A ♪
- You guys chasing this guy?
Wanna help me get him off my ladder?
- Yeah. - Hey, thanks.
Thanks for that, I...
No, no, guys, guys, guys, guys, come on!
- All right, TelAmericans!
Yeah! - Whoo!
- Whoo! (crowd applauding)
When I say, "Tele,"
you say, "Americans!"
- Tele!
- [Crowd] Americans.
- (laughs) Yeah, boom!
That's what I'm talking about.
I hope you people all brought your hard hats
because today we are gonna be building some teams.
Boom! (crowd chuckling)
I'm Teddy, I will be your foreman,
and that will be the end of the building metaphors.
(chuckles) All right.
Let's break some ground!
Okay, that was the last one.
Here we go. Stage dive!
Whoa.
- Palm Springs!
Get some. Get it!
- Okay, Jillian, - Get it hard!
- chill out.
There is no way we're gonna win this stupid thing
with Gary on our team.
- I was a spy in Hong Kong.
- Team yellow, where are we?
Here we go.
Boom!
The green team, here we go.
Yeah! There you are.
And, uh, since you boys couldn't decide on one color,
I had these made up for you special.
You're my rainbow warriors!
- Of course we are.
- (chuckles) Yeah. Let's do this!
- Okay.
- Whichever team gets the most eggs in their basket
in a minute is gonna get a
20-second head start for the final event,
the obstacle race.
All right, everybody?
On your marks.
(air horn blares)
Any questions?
- All right, we are ready to rock and jock.
So how's this work?
- Just went through the whole thing,
I'm not gonna do that again.
It's, uh, it's an obstacle course,
what do you want?
- Okay. - Okay, yeah.
- All right, everybody line up!
- Whoo! (low dramatic music)
It's go time.
Hoorah!
- God who gives a (beep)?
- You want to lay down and quit?
Go ahead,
but I'm gonna finish this thing through to the end.
(glasses snap)
You're gonna wish you have never did that!
- Here we go!
Green team-
- Come on, Waymond! (air horn blaring)
- You got this. Go, go, go, go!
Yellow team, air horn!
(air horn blares)
Everybody else, air horn!
(air horn blares) ( ** music)
Come on! Yeah!
- Great form, Adam.
- Thanks, man.
Learned it from watching you, dude.
- Oh. (grunts)
- Oh oh, I got you, big boy.
I got you, big boy.
Wait, Adam, wait,
my knees, they're too tender, I can't do it.
- Here, use me as a human cushion.
- Okay, thank you.
- [Anders] Looking good, guys.
Looking real good.
Whoo!
- They gaining on us, go!
Come on, Bill!
They coming!
- Yes!
- [Adam] Ow, ow!
- That's it, rainbow warriors,
that's it.
- Okay.
God damn, Bill,
why you so fast?
Woo, that's high as (beep),
how we gonna get that?
- Wait.
- Oh man!
- Why don't you try shouldering the burden
of your teammates?
- Okay. - I got it!
Human totem pole.
Let me up on your shoulders.
- Hell to the no,
you're not putting your stinky-ass balls in my face!
You don't wear underwear, Bill!
- It's not good for them.
- Remember, teamwork builds trust,
and trust builds success.
- Uh... - Adam,
your balls, my face, right now.
- That'd be a dream come true.
- Come on!
Yes!
- Go on, get it.
Yeah, great great great.
- I got it.
- I got your help.
- Oh yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh! I'm all about that the bass.
- Okay, I'm gonna come up now, okay?
- Yeah. - All right, here I go.
- Get in there, rainbow warriors.
- Here we go, here we go. (team grunting)
- I'm gonna use this,
upper strength here. (yelling)
Okay, going up the next tier. - Yeah, yeah. (grunting)
- Oh God. - Just right there, bud.
- Oh God! - Okay.
I'm just gonna... - Oh God!
- You're tickling me. - Oh God.
Oh God. - I got need to go higher.
- [Adam] Oh God, oh God. (groaning)
- No! (chain rattles)
- I got it!
I got it!
- He got it!
(Airhorn)
Suck it Ted!
Don't really suck it though.
You did that.
That's cause you that's.
proud to be your friend.
I don't want this friendship to ever end.
Never will.
But you know, you guys didn't have to go face the crotch.
Face the crotch.
You, you could have just done it from behind.
- Been there.
- Shut up.
Shut up.
- Oh, Hey there's bud.
Here's your collar?
- No Can do guys.
Alice just Buzzed my celli and wants me to join her
in west Covina for a business convention.
- And then you explain to her
that you can't because you're doing acid, we're doing drugs
right? We're
- Doing a lot of drugs together.
- Guys, Come on.
This is kind of a big deal for me.
It's my first business trip. Right?
I'm like Steve Martin in that John candy movie
- I thought you wanted to be
like Steve jobs to do a bunch of acid with us.
- Steve jobs. Right? Created apple, great company.
But then he left and created Pixar, which is way better.
Then he came back to apple, made that way better.
We got iPads, iPhones, all sorts of stuff.
Let me go create my Pixar.
Then I'll come back and we'll drop iPhones. Okay?
- I have no idea what any of that stuff meant?
- No.
- Am I Pixar?
We're doing acid together
Oh. Oh God.
Okay. Help me out this up.
Help me out.
Okay. Wish me luck.
We're doing acid together as our friendship family.
- Take that thing Off. Now.
- What? take Oh, this thing, sorry.
Forgot about it. So comfortable. You know,
Hamer, slimmer also.
I got a go Joe
if you wanna borrow to the ride home, let me know.
You just put it on here and then your hand's free.
See what I mean?
Driving? I'm driving.
Take a call.
Still driving.
You can go off road with it.
You know kayaking.
It doesn't matter.
Somebody bunches jumped.
There's a video online about it.
- What are those?
- What are, oh, these check it out.
Tele Americor pens.
Pretty cool, Right?
- (Beep) your pens.
Okay. This is about one thing.
Her
Gail Reynolds, AKA the Barracuda
cloud mall.
Director of sales.
And she's got the power to bring us out of the red.
- We made it to the big leagues, My man
(Shutter click)
- Happy business trip.
- Whoa. How'd we beat you here, man.
We got fireworks. pretty cool, right
- Guys. this is a no
- On the phone here.
Yes. Hi. Is the ice still free?
It is, great.
Okay, Mahalo.
Ice currency of the future.
I'm gonna be rich.
- No, no, no.
You guys need to leave right now.
- Alright, dude chill out.
We're not gonna mess this up for you.
Go down there.
Kiss a few business butts and then come back.
And nuke your mind into nacho cheese.
- All right. Cool. Like so I go, I kiss the business buds
and we'll do all sorts of, we're not gonna do anything.
Okay.
- Hey, give that back.
Okay.
- Give it back.
Give a sec.
Nope. What does, Hey, that was harassment.
- Okay. You put it in a safe.
Sorry. I can't open safe.
Oh. With my muscles
- Durst, Give us the acid.
- Come Here.
- What is this?
Whoa
- Just sit down.
Enjoy the porno.
There's probably beer in the mini fridge.
- Shut up.
What is she moaning? I missed it. What is she moaning?
- I Want you to eat my pudding.
- That doesn't make sense.
(Beep)
- Yeah. That makes a lot.
- Yeah. That's what's happening
- Yep.
- Hey she here yet?
- Yeah. She just got cornered
by a couple of real knuckle draggers.
All right, once they leave, we'll make our move and okay.
Oh, dammit.
- Who's that
- Don Walters.
AKA psycho D he's the Savage who stole the Barracuda
from us five years ago.
- Wait, what's your nickname?
- I don't have one.
- How come?
- Because no one ever gave me one.
All right.
Let's get over there before they get too comfortable.
All right.
- Wait no, not yet.
I gotta get my stag binder, you know, stack hag Durst.
It's gotta be ready to Pounce.
- Okay. Look Durst.
I hate to break this to you
but I did not bring you here to talk.
Okay. Brought you here to look cute and to get her drunk.
- Right? Wait, what?
- I'm serious.
Look, look at psycho D okay.
Every year he wines them.
He dines them and then they always fall for it.
I mean you do the math.
- He sixty-nine's?
- No, he seals the deal.
- Oh, okay.
All right.
Well, if it's about partying
then I should have brought Blake and Adam.
Those guys are like animals.
- Oh God. Could you imagine
what the dumb (Beep) would be doing
if they were here right now?
Fail. Oh, hi.
Alice Murphy from tele Americorp.
- Alex TA AmeriCorps.
So cool. Hi
- It's Alice.
Alice from tele Americorp.
Yeah. So, so hi.
It's it's been a long time.
Hasn't it?
- I don't know.
You tell me.
- She's fine.
- Yeah. So how's business been.
- You need to stop talking.
I just came here to have a little fun.
So unless you're rocking and rolling
I'm gonna be strolling.
- No, you don't need to stroll because I am rocking.
He is rolling.
That's why I would like to introduce you to my Andres.
Who is?
He is
- A, I'm a good time waiting to happen.
So let's look at this menu, you know, and decide
whether we're gonna get a stout night out.
Or are we gonna get frisky with the whiskey?
- I don't know my Anders
- hot oatmeal.
- Yeah. Hold on, Don.
- We serve breakfast
- What you doing where you going?
Are you leaving?
- Yeah. We're heading up to our party.
You should join.
Bring your Parka.
Expecting flurry.
- Cocaine.
- Yep.
- Wait wait, miss Barracuda.
Do you wanna drop acid tonight?
- Here we go
- Uh guys? We have company.
Oh, fudge.
- Oh, you two are here.
And a homeless person.
Okay. Gail.
These are just a couple more employees of mine.
All right.
So where's this acid.
What?
- Yeah. Where's the acid.
That's a trick question.
It's probably at a drug dealer's house.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Adam, they, we know.
I told them just it's in the safe.
Mm.
- Yeah. Well, let's get it out I guess.
And let's do acid.
Alice Murphy.
You dog.
- I already did it.
Was I supposed to wait?
- It's good.
- Yes.
- Finally.
- So What do you guys want to do?
Go out to the desert. Shoot some fireworks.
Stare at stars?
- I have a better idea.
Let's see that big Dick.
Let's see it! Ahh!
It's a big Dick.
- Yep. So are you enjoying a trip?
- You so (beep) real it's like,
all I can hear is the soundtrack from drive,
but all I see is my mother
right before she died.
You know what I mean durge?
- Yes, of course.
I know what you mean.
Cuz I'm, I'm, I'm tripping with you guys.
We're all.
We're all gonna trip.
- What's it like for you?
- For my, my trip is same as yours.
Crazy music.
Try and soundtrack.
Daft punk, just bouncing around in my head and ex excuse me.
Just keep enjoying your I'm good.
Go back.
Alice. I am working it over there.
She's interested.
Alice.
- Are you feeling anything ed?
Because this ice feels regular cold, not acid cold.
I don't think mine's working yet.
- Yeah, I've been there.
This not good, man.
I don't know.
- So lucky dude.
But you know, like my brain is bigger and more powerful.
So when I do finally trip balls it'll last
for like 40 hours peaking.
- Do you think I sound like one of Marge Simpson sisters?
I don't.
- Okay. No.
Don't stop.
Stop. Stop.
People are watching.
Everyone's looking.
People are looking Alice, Alice Murphy.
- He's just being nice.
Right? That dude is Foul
- I gotta get outta here.
The slurms.
It's a psychedelic crisis.
- What do you think you pull in as a stripper,
like 80 grand.
Be your own boss.
Make your own schedge free tanning.
I've heard
- It's Attacking
Thor, Cody. The right here.
- You just grabbed that dude's Dick.
Sorry. Didn't work out.
Even though you have a decent sized Dick
you don't have moves like Jager.
What's next
- Guys. We're we're gonna keep the party rolling
but I think we've got some business to attend to Alice.
- Oh right. Gail?
- Yes. Gail.
She's right.
- Psycho D
- Miss Barracuda.
We've been everywhere looking for you.
Yeah.
- Well, I was helping your little homeless friend here
with the ice and then you know how the story goes?
- Actually.
- I don't know if we do.
Could you please explain that story to us in detail?
- Just hang on.
Look. We'd love to have you back at tele AmeriCorps.
Can you close it?
I can see the hole.
Sorry. Sorry.
We won't let you down.
It's still out.
Just tie it up.
I don't wanna look at your Dick.
- Sorry.
- We won't let you down.
My boss just really wants your business.
- Yeah, man.
She's like gonna kill a dude and all this over it.
I think.
- Yeah. Well her tight clearly cannot handle her (Beep)
- Pardon? What would
- You just sign the contract for my buddies?
That way we could go back in the bathroom.
- Do you have a pen?
- Yes. Yes.
I got a pen.
I got a pen here and thank you.
- Yeah, we got it.
- All right.
- That's a nice touch.
Good to get your name out there.
- I know.
- Shove it up my ass.
- Absolutely. She's a pervert.
- Come on, sunshine.