HI, AND WELCOME TO "TRADING SPOUSES,"
THE SHOW WHERE WE TAKE TWO MARRIED COUPLES,
AND YOU GUESSED IT,
MAKE THEM TRADE SPOUSES FOR A WHOLE MONTH.
WATCH THE SPARKS FLY TODAY,
BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME ON OUR SHOW,
WE'RE GOING INTERRACIAL.
( man ) DADDY'S GOING AWAY FOR A LITTLE WHILE, ALL RIGHT ?
I'M GONNA LIVE WITH A WHITE FAMILY.
Y'ALL BE GOOD.
WHAT YOU GOIN' BE DOIN' WITH A WHITE FAMILY ?
IT'S A T.V. SHOW, SAY HI TO AMERICA.
ANYBODY TRY AND TOUCH YOUR MOTHER,
PUNCH HIM IN HIS (BLEEP).
LOOK, SON, DAD'S GOING AWAY FOR A FEW WEEKS.
SO, I WANT YOU TO BE GOOD, OKAY, SQUIRT ?
WHATEVER.
I LOVE YOU.
OH, ESKIMO KISSES.
YOU MUST BE LITTLE T-MART.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO CALL ME DADDY, HMM ?
IS IT OKAY IF I CALL YOU MR. DEEZ ?
MR. DEEZ ?
DEEZ NUTS !
I-I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT'S HAPPENIN' ?
YOU MUST BE LEONARD.
THAT'S RIGHT.
CAN I CALL YOU DADDY ?
HELL NO.
ONLY YOUR MAMA CALLS ME DADDY.
HERE, MOP TOP, TAKE MY BAG UP TO MY ROOM.
AND IF I FIND OUT YOU BEEN GOING THROUGH MY (BLEEP),
I'M GONNA BEAT YOU IN YOUR ASS, YOU UNDERSTAND ?
HMM.
WELL, WELCOME, IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.
IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE, COME ON, GIRL.
OH-- OH, YES.
I DON'T SMELL NO DINNER COOKING.
RUN ON, MAKE SOME GRITS.
RUN ON.
WHAT YOU COOKIN' FOR DINNER, MISTER ?
OH, YEAH, WELL, I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, LITTLE BUDDY.
UM, THIS HERE IS CAULIFLOWER.
THIS IS CORNED BEEF HASH.
AND THESE ARE PARSNIPS.
WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS A PARSNIP ?
LEONARD, JUST SO YOU KNOW,
TODD WOULD USUALLY DO THE DISHES AFTER DINNER.
WELL, JUST SO
HIS ASS WILL BE BACK APRIL 13th.
GO ON, DO YOUR THING, GIRL.
MOP TOP...
YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK ?
YEAH.
WELL, GO ON UPSTAIRS AND WASH YOUR ASS
AND THEN WE'LL WATCH MARTIN LAWRENCE.
WANT ME TO LIGHT YOUR CIGARETTE FOR YOU TOO ?
YOU BETTER CHECK YOUR TONE, GIRL,
GET YOUR INSIDE VOICE ON
BEFORE I PUT YOUR ASS OUTSIDE, MM.
RACIAL PROFILING ?
WHO THE (BLEEP) IS RENEE "ZELLWEDGER" ?
WHAT'S WRONG, SWEETIE ?
T-MART'S BEEN BACK-TALKING ME,
AND I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF IT FOR ME.
T-MART...
EXCUSE ME, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE, MISTER.
WHAT, YOU GONNA HIT ME OR SOMETHING ?
YOU'RE GOING ON TIME-OUT.
FOR 15 MINUTES, OKAY ?
YEAH--
STARTING NOW, T-MART.
TIME-OUT !
TIME-OUT IS SWEET !
HALLE BERRY, HERE I COME.
( rap music booming )
HEY, MOP TOP !
WHAT THE HELL YOU LISTENING TO ?
IT'S THE NEW 50 CENT.
I'M FROM THE STREETS, MAN.
G-G-G-G-G-G... G-UNIT.
COME ON, GET IN THE CAR.
G-G-G-G-G-G... GET YO' ASS IN THE CAR, GO ON !
WELL, HERE YOU ARE, MOP TOP, HOME SWEET HOME, THE 'HOOD.
ALL RIGHT, LITTLE FELLA,
SAY HELLO TO YOUR PEOPLE FOR ME.
AND TELL 'EM WHEN YOU SEE 'EM,
THAT LEONARD WASHINGTON IS GLAD HE MADE IT OUT, GO ON.
GO ON.
G-G-G-G-G-G... GOOD-BYE.
AND IF YOU NEED MONEY, SELL ROCKS,
I HEARD THAT'S WHAT THEY DO AROUND HERE.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ?
DAMN, BITCH, WHAT'S THIS, A LIGHT SABER OR SOMETHING ?
NIGHT-NIGHT.
HMM.
DO YOU WANNA HAVE SEX WITH ME, TODD ?
YES, I WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH.
OKAY.
OH !
UH, EXCUSE ME.
DO YOU MIND IF I TURN OFF THIS R & B MUSIC ?
I KINDA WANNA HEAR YOU BREATHING.
ALL RIGHT.
UH, DO YOU WANNA TAKE OFF YOUR PAJAMA BOTTOMS ?
ACTUALLY, I'D FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE IF I JUST
PULLED MY PENIS THROUGH THIS HOLE.
I'M SORRY, BABY, I DON'T GO SOUTH OF THE BORDER.
THAT'S JUST ONE THING THAT LEONARD WASHINGTON DON'T DO.
BUT-- BUT, LEONARD, IT'S OKAY, I'M WAXED.
DAMN !
NOW, I DONE HEARD OF TRIMMING THE HEDGES,
BUT YOU DONE SCORCHED THE EARTH.
( sniffing )
I SMELL YOUR LIGHT SABER.
LIGHT SABER ?
( buzzing )
LEONARD AND I HARDLY EVEN TALK ANYMORE.
THE OTHER NIGHT HE CAME HOME AT THREE IN THE MORNING.
I HAD NO IDEA WHERE HE WAS.
HE USES PROFANITY AROUND JEFFREY.
I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE WE'RE SHARING.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE THERE'S ANY RECIPROCITY THERE.
( therapist ) HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT ALL THIS, LEONARD ?
BITCH, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS.
GO ON, GET IN THE CAR, WARM IT UP.
THIS IS GOOD, YOU CAN LET OUT
WHATEVER YOU FEEL IN HERE, LEONARD.
ALL RIGHT, I'MA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, I AIN'T CRAZY,
I DON'T NEED NO PSYCHIATRIST.
AND IF YOU EVER TELL ANYBODY I'VE BEEN IN HERE,
I'LL (BLEEP) KILL YA.
IT'S CONFIDENTIAL HERE, LEONARD.
I WON'T TELL ANYONE, IT'S JUST BETWEEN US.
WELL THEN, CONFIDENTIALLY,
I AM CRAZY, AND I'LL (BLEEP) KILL YA.
WELL, IT'S BEEN A WILD AND CRAZY MONTH.
LET'S SEE WHAT OUR INTERRACIAL FAMILIES HAVE LEARNED.
I LEARNED A LOT FROM SHARRON
AND I LEARNED A LOT FROM LITTLE T-MART.
AND QUITE FRANKLY, I'LL MISS THEM BOTH VERY MUCH.
AND FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE...
I TASTED BROWN SUGAR, AND NOT IN MY OATMEAL.
( chuckles )
YEAH, BEING ON THIS SHOW TAUGHT ME THAT,
NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME FROM, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?
OR WHAT COLOR YOUR SKIN IS,
WE ALL PRETTY MUCH DO THE SAME THINGS IN LIFE.
RAISE OUR KIDS, MAKE LOVE FROM TIME TO TIME, AND WASH.
SPEAKING OF WHICH,
I LEARNED THAT WHITE PEOPLE DON'T USE WASHCLOTHS.
DID YOU KNOW THAT ?
I'M SERIOUS, THEY HAVE ONE BAR OF SOAP IN THE HOUSE.
EVERY TIME I USED IT, SOMEBODY ELSE'S PUBIC HAIR WAS IN IT.
SO USE THE CLOTH.
WHY YOUR ASS GOT TO PUT THE RAW BAR OF SOAP
IN YOUR BUTT AND ALL THIS ?
MAYBE I NEED TO WASH MY FACE OR MY FEET.
TODD AND LEONARD ARE VERY DIFFERENT.
ALTHOUGH LEN IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE,
IN A DIFFERENT WORLD, I COULD SEE MYSELF WITH TODD.
ALTHOUGH THE PENIS-THROUGH-THE-HOLE THING
WAS KIND OF WEIRD.
AND I AM MISSING SOME OF MY DRAWERS.
OH...
OH, MY GOSH-- HO-HO.
TITTY RESIDUE--
HELLO... HELLO ?