Hi. My name is Isabel.
I'm 24 and I'm from County Wexford.
I didn't have a great time
in secondary school.
I found it really hard to fit in and to make friends.
And I think I always kind of felt different.
It was strange.
I always felt kind of like on the sideline
without really knowing why.
Every year at the end of summer,
I'd always think to myself, okay, it's a new year.
This year can be different.
This is going to be your year, you're going to make friends,
you’re going to have a good time in school.
And that year never really came.
I'm quite a perfectionist,
so I also put a lot of pressure on myself.
I wanted to do well.
I wanted to be able to go to like, a “good” uni.
Yeah and then that was when I started,
like having a really rough relationship with food
because it was kind of that one thing that I could control.
Maybe if I'm smaller, people will like me more.
Maybe I'll feel better about myself.
And for a while it did.
And I think that's what the trap is, for a while
losing weight, it can make you feel better about yourself.
It has that weird, exhilarating feeling,
but it isn't sustainable.
I moved to France for Uni
and that was a really scary move.
I think I also didn't quite realise what that implicated,
and at first things were great.
There's that honeymoon period
where everything is incredible
and you're meeting new people, you're making new friends,
you're going to your classes,
your figuring out how everything works.
And then the second semester came.
So just after Christmas and
yeah, I really started to struggle.
I was finding it hard to get out of bed
and I started having suicidal thoughts.
I wasn't quite sure what was happening.
It started to get more and more concrete from
I don't want to wake up the next day to
I don't want to be here.
To planning how not to be here anymore.
So at the end of the year, I ended up attempting suicide and...
yeah...
I think this was the first time that I actually
had to face the reality that,
okay, maybe you're not okay
and maybe wanting to fight this yourself
isn't going to cut it.
I'd never been to see a counsellor before.
I had never been in hospital
and I didn't know what to expect.
And the same thing with mental health medication.
I first started antidepressants when I was 19,
so it was the summer after first year of uni.
I was actually really scared to start taking them
because I was terrified
it would change my personality.
I was terrified that I wouldn't be me
anymore, which thinking back on it, doesn't make sense
because I couldn't get out of bed.
I didn't want to meet my friends.
I had quit dance
and if that's what me was,
well, that isn't even what I wanted.
So, but I was just really scared.
And Google can be so dangerous for that.
Medication for me was a stepping stone
to being able to use
all of the other tools.
So without medication,
I don't think I would be able to like,
go and see my friends or like, cry it out
if I didn't have that little help.
Medication that gave me that boost
to be able to access all of the things that helped me feel better.
But without the medication,
it's just, it's a step too high.
It's like you're missing a rung on the ladder
and medication for me, it was that first rung to be able
to access everything else
to help me keep climbing out.
It didn't change my personality.
I didn't grow two heads.
None of my fears came true.
It made my anxiety worse at first.
And yeah, it took a while to get used to.
I've been through over ten medication changes.
It can take a really long
time to get one that's right.
I think there's also this idea
that, oh, here's a happy pill.
You're going to feel great.
It's very subtle.
With antidepressants it’s really subtle.
You might feel the cloud
or like the blackness start
to lift a little bit.
It can be easier to get out of bed.
You might feel less anxious going to the supermarket.
You might have a little more motivation to, like, see friends,
but it doesn't make you happy straight away.
You're not- You don't feel on top of the world.
Often there's like an underlying problem,
and especially if it's been going on for a long time.
A lot of those
unhealthy coping mechanisms can be really,
really deep rooted,
and it's difficult to let go of.
Medication is part of your toolbox,
but it's not your whole toolbox.
What helped me was finding a therapist who I get on with
and who I trust, and she really helped me a lot.
I think the biggest piece of advice is
have hope and persevere.
The first person that you talk to
about your mental health,
they might not help you
and they might not know how.
Keep going.
If it's medication, if it's therapy,
and even if you don't really get on with your therapist
or you have to try different ones,
keep going, keep trying.
Like I had to try
so many different kinds of antidepressants.
I did DBT.
I was in hospital twice.
Like it took a really, really long time.
And I'm so glad that I kept going
and I'm so glad that I persevered.
I want to to help people now and help people, yeah,
have the words to express what's going on
that I never had.
I am worthy.
I have so much to offer.
I can have friends,
I can have a job, I can do things.
And yeah,
letting myself actually enjoy life.
Do things that I like
and do things I enjoy
instead of, yeah, being worried
about what other people think, and are they judging me
and instead realising
that there's a place in the world for me
and that I'm allowed to
take up that place.