- [Jessica] "You know what?
Christopher Columbus has never been here.
I'm the first non-native to come across this land.
And not just that..."
(hums)
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Hello.
My name's Brendan Walsh.
And today we're going to be talking about the Santa Bandits.
Our story starts in 1927
in the days leading up to Christmas.
Marshall Ratliff got out of jail and he's like,
"I'm out of jail, time to rob another bank.
But I need help, so I'm gonna get this guy, Ed Helms."
- [Derek] Oh, from "The Hangover."
- This guy, Henry Helms!
"I'm gonna get Henry Helms and Robert Hill."
And they rope in Helms's brother-in-law, Lewis Davis,
and Ratliff says, "Help us rob this bank at Cisco.
And Ratliff's afraid he's gonna get recognized.
He goes, "I want to disguise myself.
Hey, it's Christmas!"
So they steal this Buick and they arrive in Cisco
on the morning of December 23rd.
Ratliff gets out of the car, he's dressed as Santa,
and gets mobbed by kids.
- You see Santa, kids are gonna come towards you.
- Kids want to see you!
You're like the Justin Beaver of the times.
- Yeah.
- And he's a bank robber, but he's like,
"Okay, I gotta go.
Santa's gotta make a deposit, kids."
So after that, he goes into the bank.
He doesn't even say anything
and the tellers are like, "Santa's here!"
And then Hill, Helms, Davis, all bust in
with their guns a-blazing.
They go, "Hey, all right, everybody shut up!
We're robbing this place."
Santa-Ratliff gets $12,400 in cash
and $150,000 in bonds.
Santa's like, "Yes!"
But this lady, Mrs. Blassengame,
goes into the bank and (beep) loses her shit.
She's like (screams),
so she runs out screaming her head off.
(imitates screaming)
- I love that Duncan Trussell is this woman.
- Hey!
Terence McKenna predicted
this bank was gonna be robbed, man!
(both laughing)
So then the whole town, they hear her running up and down,
just (imitates screaming),
and at this time, the Texas Bank Association was like,
"Well, we're offering $5,000 for anybody
who shoots a bank robber doing a bank robbery."
And the whole town is like, "We could use $5,000!
That's a lot of money back now!"
So everybody grabbed their guns
'cause an angry mom's about to-
Angry mom's about to form.
So they go into the bank while the robbery's going.
And then, just, everybody just starts shooting.
(imitating gunfire)
Customers are getting shot, a guy gets shot in the leg,
so the Santa Bandits, they're like,
"Why everybody shooting us?"
"Get into the alley!
'Cause that's where the Buick is."
But everybody keeps shooting!
A Bandit gets shot,
the bank president gets shot,
everybody's going nuts.
All right, So the Santa Bandits,
they grab these two young girls as human shields
to get into their Buick and get the (beep) out of there.
So Santa's driving the car, and he looks at the gas gauge
and he goes, "What the-
We're (beep) almost out of gas!"
- [Derek] What a bunch of idiots.
- And they're like, "We drove a hundred miles
from Wichita falls and we didn't get gas in 1927!"
They see this Oldsmobile and they're like,
"Give us your Oldsmobile," and he leaves.
Helms gets shot.
They're like, "Come on, put all the money in here
and get Davis in there."
And they get in the Oldsmobile and then they realize,
"(beep), the keys!"
So they're like, "Well, we can't (beep)
do anything with this."
So then they get back into the Buick
and they leave Davis there, poor sap.
He's (beep).
And they're like, "Well, that sucks."
And then they're like, "Oh shit!
We left the money in that car, too, in the Oldsmobile!"
And they're like- (burps)
What's it mean when you're swallowing too much?
- Good question. (laughs)
- [Brendan] So they're trying to cross the Brazos river,
but they get ambushed and they shoot Ratliff six times.
So Helms and Hill just give themselves up
and Ratliff survives.
So the townsfolk are out there, they're like,
"We've had it with this guy,"
and they put a noose around his neck.
They're like, "We're gonna publicly lynch you
'cause we've had it with your shit."
And he's just like, "Hey, I got an idea.
Forgive me!"
And then they're like, "All right, nah, nah, nah."
And then they (beep) hang him!
And he's croaked.
These guys (beep) up,
because back then, it was
so easy to get away with crimes.
They were stupid!
(laughs)
- Hi, I'm Jessica Meraz,
and today, we're gonna be talking about Juan Ponce de Leon.
Or as white people call him, Ponce de Leon,
Juan Ponce de Leon is a Spanish explorer.
King Ferdinand is like, "You know what, Ponce?
I dig you.
You've done a really great job,
and in honor of your service to Spain,
I'm gonna send you over to Puerto Rico
to be the governor."
So Ponce de Leon's like, "Okay, cool."
He goes to Puerto Rico and he sees the people,
he's like, "Love you, you guys are cool,"
sees the the land, is like, "Oh my God, it's bountiful
and it's awesome!"
So... (laughs)
- [Derek] It's kicking in.
(laughs)
- Okay.
So back in Spain, (sings dramatic music)
Diego Columbus is there.
He's Christopher Columbus's eldest son,
and he is like rich kid dickface.
And he's like, "You know what, King Ferdinand?
You owe me (beep).
You told my dad he's supposed to have control
over all the West Indies and everything that he explored."
And the King is like, "(beep) you, my man, Ponce,
who is, like, a good dude is taking care of Puerto Rico.
I don't care who your dad is,
but, like, shut the (beep) up."
So he goes and he finds the King's cousin.
Her name was Maria Alvarez de Toledo.
- Can you give it to me again?
- Maria Alvarez de Toledo.
- [Derek] That's super fast.
- [Jessica] Maria Alvarez de Toledo.
- [Derek] Wait, one at a time.
- [Jessica] Maria.
- [Derek] Maria.
- [Jessica] Alvarez.
- [Derek] Alvarez.
- [Jessica] De. - [Derek] De.
- [Jessica] Toledo. - [Derek] Toledo.
- [Jessica] Okay.
So he seduces this chick,
and marries her, and basically blackmails the King.
And he's like, "You know what, King Ferdinand?
Make me the Viceroy of the entire West Indies,
which includes Puerto Rico, and the governor of Hispaniola,
which is the Island just west of Puerto Rico."
And King Ferdinand has no choice, his hands are tied.
So in 1509, Diego Columbus goes over to Hispaniola,
plunders all the resources, is a huge dick,
brings over a slew of white chicks from Spain,
is like, "Oh, for my Spanish conquistador
fellow army men, like, (groans) you know.
Take your pick, you can (whistles)
with whatever chick you want to."
And his buddies, Juan Ceron and Miguel Diaz, are over
and he's like, (speaks Spanish)
- What did he just say?
- Let's have some drinks, let's have a good time,
let's party, man.
- Very cool.
- So then they go and it's like, "Yeah, party island!"
And he turns Hispaniola into, like, a frat boy party.
(electronic music)
(air horn blaring)
(laughs)
(sighs)
So he's like, "You know what?
You guys, go over there, take over Puerto Rico,
it's supposed to be mine anyway.
(beep) Ponce de Leon."
So he's doing whatever he wants over in Hispaniola
while just one island over, in Puerto Rico,
Ponce de Leon is, like, skipping around with the people.
He's like, "Hey, what's up?"
And they're like, "Hey, Poncey!"
Ceron And Diaz go over to Puerto Rico
and kick Ponce de Leon out of power
and are like, "We're in charge now."
They're barbaric, they're enslaving the people,
being super douches.
So Ponce de Leon is like,
"I can't witness my people just being, like,
totally treated (beep) like this."
So he gathers up some of his Spanish men
and he's like, "You know what?
Let's (beep) chain these (beep)
and send them back to Spain."
And King Ferdinand is like, "The (beep) are you doing?
I get it, these guys are assholes, but
you don't have the power to do that!"
So Juan Ceron and Miguel Diaz
go back to Puerto Rico, and Ponce de Leon's like,
"King Ferdinand, fine.
If I can't have Puerto Rico,
there's this other island to the north, west a little bit.
that is just as full gold
and the land is just as bountiful."
And he says, "Okay, go do your thing."
So Ponce de Leon's like, "All right, sweet."
So it takes them a couple of months
and he gets together a ship
and a group of Spaniards.
In 1513, he sets sail in the wide open waters
of the Atlantic ocean for this mystery island.
A month later, he sees land.
As he sees it, he realizes, "You know what?
Christopher Columbus has never been here.
I'm the first non-native to come across this land.
And not just that..."
(hums)
(laughs)
I lost it.
So he shows up and he's like, "Oh my God,
I'm the first non-indigenous person
to show up on this land,"
sets down the Spanish flag, unrolls it, and is like,
"I hereby proclaim this land as being Spanish
and I call it La Florida."
And there he's left to make this land his own
'til the end of time.
(both sigh)
- (beep) history.
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about the caning of Charles Sumner.
In the middle of the 1800s, Kansas is up
for whether or not it's gonna be a slave state
or a free state.
Charles Sumner is a senator, an anti-slavery radical,
and Charles Sumner gives a speech entitled
"The Crime against Kansas."
He basically says Kansas being raped
by the perpetuators of slavery
who want it to be a slave state.
Then he starts making personal attacks.
He says, "Oh, Andrew Butler, South Carolina?
Who's normally sits next to me, but uh-oh, you had a stroke.
You are not here.
Guess what, you are a (beep) pimp
for the prostitute of slavery."
Oh, you know who's in the chamber that day?
Preston Brooks, representative, South Carolina,
Andrew Butler's second cousin, he's like,
"This dude is (beep) slandering my state!
He's slandering my family!"
He says, uh...
(blows raspberry)
"The Southern code of honor,
I can't let that (beep) just (beep) transpire.
What am I gonna do?
I can't challenge him to a duel because only gentlemen duel
and Charles Sumner's no gentlemen!
Oh (beep), I was just given a brand new
11 and a half ounce gutta perchas cane with a gold head.
I'll beat him with them."
May 22nd, 1856.
He walks down the aisle of the senate,
he's five (beep) feet from Charles Sumner,
and he looks up and realizes,
there's a lady in the chamber and he's like,
"Aw (beep), can't beat Charles Sumner in front of a lady,"
and he sits down across the aisle,
he leaves, he's like, "I'm not about to do this thing,"
and everyone is like, "You gotta do the thing,"
and he walks back in.
(beep) Charles Sumner, he's near sighted,
He's like, "(groans) That's all blurry."
(beep) (beep)
Preston Brooks is like, "I read your speech twice
and guess what, it's a (beep) libel against South Carolina
and it's a libel against Andrew Butler,
and guess what, he's a (beep) cousin of mine!"
And whap!
Beats him so hard on the (beep) top of the head
that he goes blind.
Laurence Keitt comes in, "Let them be," he said,
All told,
Brooks beat Sumner over the head
30 (beep) times with his cane.
Charles Sumner is bloody, beaten, but he doesn't die.
The North is like, "What the (beep),"
the South is like, "Yeah, that's how we does!"
Preston Brooks is an immediate celebrity!
Charleston merchants buy him a cane
inscribed with the words, "hit him again,"
and he's like, "I was defending my state.
Eat a (beep).
Which dick?
This dick."
(laughs)
Y'all (beep) worry about it,
this water's been on the drum.
By 1858, Sumner, he's, like, still (beep) up.
he can't walk, he meets Dr. Brown-Sequard,
he lights fire cotton on his back,
he's like, "Oh, pain moves around your body.
(sings gibberish)
Guess what?
I don't know anything."
And every time Charles Sumner's like, "(screams)
Every bit of anger, every bit of pain that I feel,
I will return to the perpetuators of slavery
10,000 times, (beep) slavery!"
And in 1860, he finally gets to give a speech
on the floor of the senate after he returns!
Called "The Barbarism of Slavery" in which he says,
"Say that you own the sun, say that you own the moon,
say that you own the stars,
but don't say to you own a man, because
when the (beep) sun, and moon, and stars have died,
a man's soul will live on forever."
The moral of the story is
you should fight for what you believe in.
And if what you believe in
is that human beings are human beings,
then you should fight to your death to defend (burps)
that because slavery is (beep).
- Hello.
Today, we're talking about Kris Kristofferson.
(Derek laughs)
Kris Kristofferson got incredible grades
and he was a Rhodes scholar,
and then he was trained as an army ranger
to fly helicopters.
His platoon commander knew someone in Nashville
that worked for Johnny Cash.
"We can get you in free to a show at the Grand Ole Opry."
"Yeah, I'll love it.
Let's do it."
So Kris takes a one-week leave and watches Johnny Cash.
He felt the power and energy
because that's what Johnny Cash did.
Kris felt transfixed, "My God, this is my hero."
And Kris said in that moment that he was thunderstruck.
And then Johnny Cash walked off,
and Johnny Cash walked over and shook his hand.
"Oh, Holy (beep), this is my hero
and he just came up to me and connected with me."
So Kris says, "You know what, I'm gonna quit this,"
and he quits the army, and he moves to Nashville, Tennessee
with the idea of becoming a great singer/songwriter.
Finally, a job opens up of being a janitor
at Columbia Records, and then his
mother writes him a letter.
"Your hero, Johnny Cash, is a drug addict,
and of course he sings at San Quentin Folsom right now
because a jailbird sings to jailbirds.
So we have now officially disowned you.
We hope somehow you come to your senses
'cause you're not a songwriter.
Sorry Kris, you're done."
And he felt like a giant failure, he's a (beep) janitor.
And then one day, Johnny Cash comes in.
He's like, "Who in the world is in there right now
changing the ashtrays with those brown-
With the incredible blue eyes?"
"Well, that's Kris."
"Who is he?"
"His mom just disowned him because you're his hero."
And Kris was in there changing the ashtrays
and Johnny Cash comes in and says,
"Well, it's always nice
to get a letter from home, ain't it?"
And Kris can't believe it.
He's like, "Yeah," but they bonded over it
because he was passionate and he had his dream.
"I'm gonna quit all this
and I want to pursue an artist's life."
So he quit.
Kris is starving.
He has no money, he's now writing these songs.
And then Kris, he's so frustrated, and he has one song
about that feeling to be on a Sunday
when the bar isn't open,
and it's called "Sunday Morning Coming Down."
It's that feeling of loneliness
and nobody believing in you but you,
and wishing, Lord, that I was stoned
'cause there ain't nothing on a Sunday.
Makes a body feel alone.
"Sunday Morning Coming Down" was the song Kris knew
was something special.
"How can I get my song to Johnny Cash and make an impact?"
So, according to Johnny,
Kris landed a helicopter in his lawn
to give him this song.
"Some fool's landing in our yard with a helicopter,
right out of the sky."
He really listened to the song
and the song went to the next level for Johnny
because he understood it, he understood the isolation,
and loneliness, and wishing Lord that he was stoned.
Excuse me.
- You're fine.
(burps)
- [Eric] So at that time, Johnny Cash was recording
his own variety show for ABC.
So Johnny said to Kris, "Hey, we're gonna do
'Sunday Morning Coming Down' right now,"
and then went through a runthrough the song.
"On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
wishing, Lord, that I was stoned."
Well, he did it one time
and the ABC censors came up and said, "Uh, Johnny,
great song, but we actually can't, in any way,
put on the lyrics, 'wishing, Lord, that I was stoned'
because it's clearly an allusion to marijuana,
and it's in the country tradition,
you can do something about alcohol,
but marijuana is a no-go."
"You have to change that.
Wishing, Lord, I was home?"
"I wrote it 'wishing, Lord, that I was stoned'
because I wished I was stoned."
So when it comes time to record the song in that show,
they put Kris way up in the rafters 'cause he was,
on the fringes, man.
So the song starts, and he's like,
"On a Sunday morning sidewalk,"
And then his gaze goes right up to Kris
in the very back row, he's like,
"Wishing, Lord, that I was stoned!
Because there's something in the sidewalk
makes a body feel alone."
And Kris said he felt his heart warm.
"God bless," you know.
"My song is on TV!"
And it meant the world to Kris
'cause his hero did right by him.
Once Johnny Cash says it's cool,
well, everybody wants to record Kristofferson's song.
Waylon Jennings, Joni Mitchell, James Taylor, Janis Joplin,
Kris Kristofferson became the biggest star in the world,
truly, in 1976, and it's been forgotten.
He was the biggest star in the world at the time.
Kris was huge!