Hey guys, welcome back. Thanks for joining me for another video
So in this week's video, I want to tackle guilt and shame and I think this is a great topic
it's something that someone brought to my attention recently, and I really wanted to make this video because
We've all felt these feelings these emotions
We've all felt guilt and we've all felt shame and I think understanding the two of them will help you to gain some clarity on
basically what the difference is between them and how to really overcome and heal those two things because I do think that especially
Shame and we'll get into that. It's something that can stay with you for a lifetime and you never really heal it
And in order to create, you know a great life and to be happy you have to heal those
Wound, you know inner parts of ourselves that are carrying those wounds and shame is definitely a wound. That's within a lot of people
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So as we're growing up, we have a set of beliefs
We are programmed with a set of beliefs and a set of rules as to how life is supposed to go
So we learned right from wrong
We learn what is something that's hurtful to say or do to?
someone versus what is not hurtful to do or say to someone so we learn these rules and
When we don't abide by the rules when we do something that's wrong. That's hurtful
We feel guilt
So if we know that maybe we were angry and we said something that we shouldn't have that really hurt someone's feelings
We might feel guilty for that
There are millions of reasons why we could possibly feel guilt we could feel guilt for you know taking money
for stealing for cheating we could feel guilt for
Especially for a codependent and where that people-pleaser
They feel guilt all the time people that suffer from those two things because it's the letting down of someone
so if you're dealing with someone who's a narcissist who is a manipulative you're gonna feel guilt very very often because that is just
The drink of choice like I like to say or the the number one
take that they often like to use is
To get what they want out of a person is to make them feel guilty is to put that guilt on them
or that guilt trip in order for you to kind of be bendable and
Essentially give them what they want so we can either feel guilt by ourselves
So we did something wrong and we hurt someone we could sit in a space of guilt or if someone
Manipulates us to make us feel guilty for the fact that we're either saying no or not giving them what they want
Or if we're a codependent or people pleaser so guilt is something that you can definitely overcome
So most people when we do experience guilt, even when we do something that's really wrong and really hurtful
We number one have to own what we did
So we have to sit in that space and take
Responsibility for the fact that we said something that was hurtful that we did something that was hurtful until you own it
You can't ever really heal it
so once we own it and we sit in that space and we have empathy for someone else and we can see how our
Behavior affected someone else and that especially someone that we love and care about and we don't want to do that. So
We can feel that guilt
But what we do is we always work through that feeling by saying you know what I'm human I did something wrong
I own my part
I'm gonna raise my hand and say I said something I should've I did something I should have and I'm gonna own it and sit
in a space
I'm so sorry that I did that, you know, we become apologetic and then we kind of let it go
We forgive ourselves for what we did and we allow ourselves to move on or excuse me, move through that experience
Where sometimes people will stay stuck in guilt
Especially when they did something wrong is when they don't want to own it
So the only example that I can come up with is say for example
Someone cheats on someone else they'll feel guilt for it and instead of owning it maybe what they do is project
Onto the other onto the person that they cheated on saying well
you're the reason why I did this and I did this because of this and you said this and that caused me to cheat or
whatever it was instead of sitting in the space that they need to take responsibility for their own actions and
And then understand how their actions affected someone else
So when we're suppressing our guilt, we're not taking responsibility for it, and we're not sitting in a space for someone and owning
what we did and
Apologizing for what we did so we can then move on from the experience
So whereas guilt says I did something wrong shame goes much much deeper
Shame says I am wrong. I am bad. I'm defective. I'm flawed
So a lot of the feelings that come up when we feel shame is I'm not enough
I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy enough. I'm bad. I'm not okay. I'm flawed. I'm not perfect
It's that that wound inside of us that says we're not good enough
Now the problem with shame is that it's a core wound with inside of you and because of that core wound
That's sitting there that causes so many problems that
Causes depression that causes anxiety that causes low self-esteem that causes low confidence low self-worth
You know self value
That causes someone to not be able to motivate themselves to fill them out fill themselves up inside
so really shame is the root of a lot of these either mental disorders whether or
Whether you're dealing with you know
An eating disorder or a drug addiction or an alcohol addiction?
All all of that at its core is that I'm not enough story and I'm not enough story sits under that same umbrella
So when we feel shame, it's I'm not
Okay, I'm not good. I'm bad. I'm flawed
I'm not perfect and it's those stories that were saying to ourselves over and over again
We may not actually be saying those sentences those words, but the self-talk that you have
Basically that negative self-talk the underlining
You know voice that's under that negative self-talk is that shame is that I'm known enough. I'm not good enough. I'm flawed
It's all of that whispering in the background. So now the big question is where to shame come from. So shame comes from your inner
Subconscious beliefs that you have about yourself now. How are our?
Subconscious beliefs formed they're formed in childhood
So when we're growing up or even when we're babies, we feel an experience shame
So when a baby is crying in a crib and no one goes to console that baby
That baby is feeling on some level shame
So when we're a child and we need mom and dad's attention and they completely ignore us
We then will feel shame will feel like something's wrong with us because why isn't mom looking at me? Why isn't dad paying attention?
Why didn't mom do this we're on and dad do this. Why did grandma do that?
So all of these things we start to build a shame muscle unfortunately or a shame program inside of ourselves
When we're told you should knock that way. Don't cry. You're acting like a baby when all of these things are said to us that
Devalue what we're feeling
when we don't get the
Validation from the people that we love the people that are supposed to be there to protect us and love us unconditionally
when we don't get that validation that what we're feeling is okay, and we're made to feel like what we're feeling is wrong or
that it's it's
inappropriate or that it's not right or that I'm a baby for feeling that way when we're
Scolded in that way and we're made to feel shameful for what we're feeling
That builds that shame program that that begins that story of I'm not enough
So when we needed something from mom and dad and they didn't give it to us as a child
We don't have logic. We don't know logically why?
mums not doing this or why dad is ignoring me because
He has to do five different things
Or because he has to go to work or he needed to answer the phone because the phone was ringing
We didn't logically know these things
we didn't know that maybe mom's behaving the way she is because she's emotionally abusive or she's a narcissist or
You know that mom and dad are parenting me the way that their parents parented them and they're not
Consciously and mindfully being aware of what they're saying and what they're doing to me
So when we're kids we don't have that ability to think logically like that
so when we don't get something that we really needed from our parents we
Automatically go to it must be me. I must be the
So if dad leaves and dad abandons you it's because of you that is going to be your abandonment
Subconscious shame that you carry around with you because you didn't logically know what was actually going on
You know in this situation in your family now most people will come to me and say well, you know
My parents weren't bad parents. They were very loving and
This you don't have to have people surrounding him as a child that were extremely abusive. It's just about being
Mindful of your actions and mindful of what you're saying. So everyone's intentions
Most people's intentions are good
And you know, there's not true true neglect in families
But because parents aren't a little bit more mindful of what they're doing and what they're saying to their children and they're not aware of
How these things are formed within a child
they just kind of go off of autopilot and just start parenting either the way that they were they were parented or they just
Unfortunately allow life to kind of take over and they're not
more mindful of what each child needs from them now since we as children did not have
logic to be able to work through these feelings that we were feeling and
Something that I actually find kind of amusing is that oftentimes?
We as adults don't even use our own logic when we're self parenting ourselves. So if an adult can't
Logically, look at a situation and be able to rationalize it to kind of help yourself through those hurt feelings or or help yourself
Through an emotion or a feeling that you're having how on earth can a child do it? So
Really? What we're trying to do is teach ourselves how to self-soothe and how to
You know feel our feelings and our emotions because that's that's what makes us human
We're going to feel stuff and what learning how to work through them by using that logical mind by saying
Okay, this is how I feel and now what am I gonna do about it? And okay
This is how I'm feeling
But what's really going on in this situation that I'm not seeing because my emotions are so involved in this
So, how do we begin to heal shame?
so one of the first things that have
To be done in order to heal shame is you have to practice self-awareness
So you have to know your I'm known enough story
you have to know what is that story where the wounds that are surrounding that story that you tell yourself and
If you don't know your I'm known enough story, you can just honestly ask yourself ask yourself
hey, why do I think I'm not enough and
You know the what I always say to people is you have to get to know yourself
You have to be able to have inner dialogue with yourself
You have to be able to be your own coach and your own therapist and your own
motivational you know coach or whatever you have to be able to be your own best friend and you have to be able to have
That conversation inside of yourself and say okay. Why do I feel like I can't go after this job
Why do I feel like I can't meet this great person and that I know no
Excuse me
That I'm not enough story is gonna come up and you need to be really inquisitive with that story sit down with that
I'm not enough that's coming up and welcome it and have a conversation with it and ask it
You know, why do you feel that way?
That's a great question to not only ask other people but to ask yourself
Why do you feel that way and when you ask yourself that something is going to come to the surface?
So when you practice self-awareness
What you're trying to do is get to the root of what's causing you to feel that shame in order to heal shame in order
To heal your wounds you have to know where they are
You have to know what they look like and you have to know what are the things that trigger you in life
This is where you're really getting to know yourself. Now. The next thing is you have to have compassion for yourself
So when you're sitting down with yourself
You're having these conversations when you're becoming inquisitive with yourself when you're hearing that negative self-talk take over and you're saying to yourself
Alright, what's what's going on here? Where's this negative self-talk coming from?
Why do I feel this way and really digging in and loving yourself that self-love?
Being inquisitive to why you feel what you feel that is self-care and self-love right there
but when all of that comes to the surface
you have to have compassion for what you're feeling you have to validate what you're feeling and you have to have compassion for what it
Is that you're feeling and the emotions that are coming to the surface? You cannot judge what you're feeling what so
Just remember when shame comes up shame is judgment
That is judging that you're not enough that you're not good that that you're not gonna be able to get what you want
all of that is
Old programming and so when that comes up you have to be aware of it and you have to say you know, what?
Okay, this is how I feel I can feel this way. That's totally fine. Now. What am I going to do about it?
So this is where we start using that logical mind. This is when we start self parenting so when we're self parenting we're not
Emotionally knee-deep in this negative self-talk that we're having in this shame story and this I'm not enough story that's going on
We are the adults. We are the parent and we're taking care of that child, which is your inner child
So our child is the one that's telling you all of these stories. That's the one that's got all the wounds where your wound itself
And all the stories that are coming to the surface
So if you're the parent taking care of a child and this is what this child is telling you would you judge this child
no, you would validate their feelings and
You wouldn't be emotionally in the story because you're the outsider looking in and you would allow yourself to say, okay?
I understand why you're feeling this way. You have every right to feel this way
And now let's take a step back and look at what it is. That's really going on here
And this is where we start using our logical mind and we start seeing things for what they really are
Versus seeing them through the lens of just our emotions
So the biggest thing that's gonna help heal guilt and shame
really is you being able to parent yourself and
having that self-awareness to say
You know what?
I want to be inquisitive as to where this I'm known enough story is coming from because the I'm not enough it controls
Every single aspect of your life it controls whether or not you go after the career job that you want
It controls the the friends and the quality of those friendships that you have it controls
you know the kind of partner that you're gonna
Attract it controls how much money you're gonna make it controls whether or not you go to the gym when you want to go to
The gym it controls what you eat. It controls all of that so that I'm not enough story again
It's under that shame umbrella. So when we start tackling, okay, why do I feel like I'm flawed. Where does that come from?
Why am I telling myself? I'm not perfect
Why do I you know?
Why am I making myself feel like there's something wrong with me for feeling the way I'm feeling or for wanting
Something that I want in my life
Why can't that happen for me when you start loving yourself and sticking up for yourself?
you know life really changes because
That inner child that needs you to stand up, you know stand up for yourself
There's a quote by Les Brown and I love love love this quote
and he says you have to learn how to stand up for yourself inside of yourself and
It's just such a brilliant brilliant quote and I I just absolutely love it because it's so so true when you stand up for yourself
Inside of yourself. That's when you can stand up for yourself in life. That's when you can love yourself and motivate yourself in life
That's when you start
Achieving the things that you want to achieve and have the things that you want to have in life is when you start taking control
Of what's going on in here and saying? Okay. I'm the adult
I'm the parent and anytime that negative ego wants to take over and start dragging me down this spiral
I'm gonna take control of it
I'm gonna find out why it's saying what it's saying to me and I'm gonna logically break this down that way
I'm supporting myself and I'm loving myself and I'm not believing that negative story because that negative story is just old
Programming that's sitting in the back of my mind from when I was probably 6 or 7 years old and it's not serving me
It's not serving me and it's not even actually true
so
I hope that this has helped you guys out there
understand the difference between guilt and shame and
Not only understand the difference between it but I hope that this video helped you gain some insight and some tips on
Things that you can start doing to really heal those part of yours those parts of yourself
So if you have liked this video, don't forget to give it a thumbs up and I will see you next week