I'm a child and i don't want to go, do something turn on an unconscious level you learn to consciously back
Again or one way?
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Here are people please our guys
Welcome back thanks for joining me this week so in this week's video i wanted to talk about something that
is
Really important, and that is this like, disease to please and this is a really special video because i?
100% was a people-pleaser
for a long period of time and
I just wanted to make this video because i wanted to share some information with
You and i wanted to give you?
Some tips to kind of start being more aware as to when you are in this disease to please and really
Stopping the people-pleasing entirely so let's get right into this week's video now
Before we get started i just wanted to again, say thank you thank you to everyone out there who is subscribing
who
is liking these videos commenting i love
Getting all of your comments and i love that you guys are loving this stuff so please keep it coming it definitely keeps me
Motivated throughout the week when i get these comments and i love the conversations and really just getting to know
You, guys, and the stuff that you guys have been through and how
You know, we all have something and most likely the stuff that, we have is similar and i think that's great i love the community?
That i'm starting to build here and i love that you guys are talking to each other too it's just great to feel
Connected and feel like you know
People that have gone through, what you've been through
And even meeting people that are on the other side and getting tips and
Information on how you can pull through certain things, and overcome certain things so thank you thank you now
Let's get right into this week's video so the first thing that i wanted to kind of address
Was the fact that and i know when i learned this i was like, oh i opener, okay?
And it's not anyone's fault because our parents were most likely
Not conscious to what they were doing and i feel like in today's world?
Parents are becoming or just people in general we're becoming more conscious
We are we're being we're becoming more aware as to how, we're parenting our children the things that we're
saying the foods were giving them they're just more aware in a lot of aspects of life and i think it's absolutely great and i
Just think it's, gonna continue and vibrations are gonna raise, and it's just it's a great time as much as there's
Horrific, stuff happening in the world you know
Pain equals growth
Or growth equals pain whatever the saying is and i do think that
Consciously there are a lot of changes that are happening because of the world, we live in so
that's coming, that's the glass half full right there but i
Kind of just went off on like a little thing there for a minute but
My point is is that if you are people please or if you are someone who is codependent you were not, born that way?
And i know i heard this a lot growing up from a lot of different people you know
You're, just you're people pleaser and you were just
Born that way or you're just a warrior and you were born that way, you're not, born that way, you're programmed that way you're?
Unconsciously taught to be that way so for me that was a real eye-opener i was like, oh i actually, wasn't, born this
Way this, was something that i picked up, along the way actually this disease to please and one of the reasons
Why, we get this disease to please is because of something that is really important to do for our children?
And i'm gonna get a lot of old-school
Comments old school people commenting here is we didn't give our children choices you know, we didn't, ask, their opinions
we didn't always
We weren't always concerned with, how
They, feel, and what they were thinking? And what they wanted to do we just had that old school way, of i'm the boss
You're, gonna do as i say etc etc
Now i have a four year old and i am not blind to the fact that there are times when i say
We just need to put on our coat and we can't go do this and there are
Exceptions i think but i think that you know, years, ago there were no exceptions you
Did everything all the time that your parent want your parents wanted to and you weren't really
Asked, how
You felt and what your opinions were in you wanted for dinner and all of those things and again a lot, all
Majority of this was always done on an unconscious level so we're not blaming anyone but we're just trying to understand, why
We now have this disease to please so like i said most likely you were not given choices you are not asked
Questions you are not given an option of would you like peas or carrots for dinner what would you like to go
Do and if you, did voice your opinion
Most likely your opinion, was overruled? By either what?
Your mom wanted to do your
dad won't do grandma grandpa aunt uncle sister brother or what have you it's that's the point is your your opinions if
As a child you felt didn't matter because they were never you know, no one ever asked
you
What they were and really were curious as to what your thoughts and feelings were?
Now because of this you weren't able to hone in on the skill of?
Staying connected to yourself so when we're babies and you know
Even early stages of being a toddler we're always connected to ourselves so we do whatever, we want in every moment?
We express ourselves if we're feeling angry
We don't think about is this gonna hurt susie or is this gonna hurt mom we just say i'm angry or?
I want this and i want that so we're very connected to what, we want and how, we feel now, we can't grow up and?
Not have boundaries because then, we would become a narcissist but
So there has like i said rules every except there's a rule here that, we have to go, by or an outline of parenting
Or a structure that's a better word
But the point is is that you weren't?
asked
What your thoughts were what your feelings were enough for you to keep honing in on that skill of being connected to yourself now most
likely
And this is just an example but most likely
You, had an instance where someone told you to do something and you felt innately as a
Child that you didn't
Want to do it no matter what it is but you did it and then you got praised for doing it
Now if i'm a. Child and i
Don't want to go do something i neatly
Feel like i just i don't want to do that i don't want to do it and
You're kind of forced to do it and then you get praised for doing it like, oh my
God she's good girl all your the best year and all of this praise?
Now if that happens time and time and time again you
Learn on an unconscious level you learn subconsciously that if i do something that someone else wants
Me to do i get praise for it i get love for it i get admiration for it now if that happens again
Over and over for a long period of time
We're starting to form that disease to please we're starting to say that
We what we innately feel um it doesn't matter because we're just gonna do what someone else wants us to do because look
We're getting, love, we're getting
Acceptance we're getting praise we're getting attention
So, that's just like a small example of the disease to please and how it kind of forms but you can
see how if as a
Child you're
Connected to the fact that i don't, want to do it if over time this happens
Continuously you no longer stay connected to what you feel because you just know and neatly that i got to?
Do with what this person, wants, because i'll get love and attention that's the biggest part to take, away
From this i'll get love and attention if i do what this person wants
Me to do and again i have a young son i have a four, year old so
Ever since he was able to talk pretty much
I always gave him options i don't give him options in every single scenario
Sometimes we're just having this for dinner or we have to go here right now, we can't do this and so and that's okay?
Because that's just setting, some boundaries that's having a, healthy you know outline and structure for a. Child
That's completely, okay, but when i can?
Give him choices when it really doesn't matter if we're having peas or carrots for dinner i let him choose or?
You know a bedtime snack what would you like for bath time do you, want bubbles in your, bath or do you
Not want bubbles like, these are the choices that, we should give our children?
and i think years ago, we just
We didn't give any of those choices to children and i think that's kind of where the disease to please starts
So here's the first way to know if you suffer from the disease to please or?
People-pleaser syndrome the number one way you can know if your people-pleaser is you feel guilty
When you say, no to someone if you feel guilt for saying no then you have, this like you
Know pain inside of you that you're going to disappoint someone or that
someone's gonna be so hurt by you saying, no, and that is
Awful that, we have that feeling that, we feel that by saying?
No, that our that love is kandace entually love is conditional that if i say no you're not gonna love, me or you're
Gonna, be mad at me so feeling guilty for saying no is you know
The, people that feel this or the people that always are helping out they're, always doing
Way too much for other people and never taking care of themselves
They, don't know. How to set boundaries they definitely don't know. How to enforce a boundary they're just not
Connected to themselves enough to know that while i would love to help you this isn't even about not wanting to help
Someone this is about saying that i just need to put myself first
And that if i'm not filled up i can't help you because i need to be completely good to go before i say
Yes to anyone else and that is the healthiest thing you can start doing for yourself you know
You need, to fill yourself up completely and then everything that you have that's left over any amount of energy or whatever can
go
To, anyone
Else but you have to take care of yourself first the next way you can know if you
suffer from being a people pleaser is you have a really hard time making decisions and this was where i
Ding-ding-ding needing this, was like stephanie right there i just like
Did this all the time with everything in life pretty much it was now looking, back i'm like
my, god what was wrong with, me that i could never just make a decision um
But you know of course i had moments of feeling guilty for saying, no but i didn't really suffer too too much with
That i suffered a lot with this and i always felt the need to ask
Opinions of others i always, wanted that validation that, my decision, was the right decision and if that's you that
is that's people that's people people pleasing one oh tongue-twister um
But i just i always felt the need to ask people their thoughts and opinions and while
Asking others what they think is totally fine when you start questioning your own?
Decision based off of what someone said to you that's not okay, you know
Because you you know, what's good for you you know, when you're making a, bad decision you know?
When you're, making a, good decision and if you're picking between two shirts and ones white and ones red and you know
You, don't love red, but you have them both up and you, ask, susie, what do you think and she says i love red
And you're like, well i really like, white but i don't wear red enough you buy, white you buy
What you want you do what you want you are a grown adult you can?
Make, your, own decisions and you have to just stick with, what you and nate lee
Were feeling who's found it funny the people that they could just make decisions like that it's like, they almost didn't think
About it at all and they just like made a decision and
Me personally i don't think that that's healthy either
Um because i do think to some extent you should think out certain decisions i mean not every single decision in life but definitely
Major, decisions i think that is a healthy, way to kind of tackle it but the people that take forever
To, make a decision or can never make a decision or have to, ask everyone what
They, think, before they, make it it's like
You know one end of the spectrum it was always the people in the middle that
Just needed a little bit of time for them to kind of think in their
Own their own minds by themselves but eventually they came to the answer themselves and never asked
Anyone what they thought those are the people that i always admired and that's kind of who i am today i don't really
Ask, a lot of opinions
And when i do i'm so aware of what my opinion already was and if i feel myself?
Starting to get into that old pattern which very rarely happens nowadays um i can recognize it and i still innately go with
My, god and i'm never wrong i'm never disappointed with the decision that i made when i just trust, my, own intuition of my
Own self one of the biggest signs of a people pleaser is someone that fears confrontation and you know
These are the people that get so
Nervous anxious if they know, they have to stand up for themselves they almost avoid
Conflict at any turn. They you know, don't want to say, no they, don't know. How to enforce boundaries they don't know
how to stand up for themselves and
This is you know, not just someone who's a. People pleaser this, also has a lot to do with like you know
Your self-confidence your self-worth and how. You love yourself
But people pleasers are
Really, those types of people that oftentimes don't like confrontation and they're not good at it and when someone kind of you know
Really stands up to them they just completely back down and if you resonate with
any of this you are a prime target for
Narcissistic abuse emotional abuse you're
Going, to be taken advantage of and that's something that's really important to understand this isn't just a matter of not being a
People pleaser this is a matter of?
Not being a people pleaser so you're not a target for abuse you're not a target to attract whatever
Friendships coworkers romantic partners you know learning how to manage your relationships with family and friends
All of this intertwines with really just learning how, to love yourself, and take care of yourself so you know
How to stand up for yourself you know, how to make decisions
You know how to say notice someone and not feel guilty, about it it's about putting yourself first
Trusting your, own intuition and really learning how, to just love yourself
The biggest lessons i learned when i was tackling codependency when i was learning about the disease to please was?
Realizing that i had a, voice that i could trust, my intuition
that i knew what was best for me, and that the opinions of others just really didn't matter like, when i
Started to really understand that and i got it and again this isn't something where you just say i have a voice and
I'm not gonna you know fear of confrontation i'm gonna stand up for myself this was years and years of?
Practicing this stuff of being in situations where i did fear confrontation with. Certain, people but just being mindful of the fact that
My, fear of confronting this person
Was old with old?
Patterns or an old program that i had to change it was all habits that i had to change it was about
Rewiring, my, brain or
reprogramming, my, you know subconscious to have different thoughts, and
One of the reasons why, i talked so much about
Learning how to parent yourself learning, what self love is is because that's the stuff that's the foundation of you being able to
Get rid of this disease to please of you overcoming
Codependency of you learning how to really love, and take care of your spouse's excuse
me take care of yourself to not be a prime target for abuse and
All of this stuff allows you to lead a really happy and peaceful life
When you can learn all of this information and learn how
To, start practicing it in your life, and again this is a practice so you watch these videos time and time again
when i was going through
You know my years of learning this stuff and really understanding it i watched videos
All the time i mean as much as i possibly could on any topic that
Resonated with, me at the time so whether it was narcissistic abuse, going through heartbreak or divorce learning
about codependency how to you know increase
my
Self-confidence the disease to please all of this stuff i was constantly listening to speakers and coaches and people that would
Feed my mind with the stuff that i didn't have in there already you know
You, can't get rid of an old habit unless you kind of or an old thought unless you replace it with a
New one you can't get rid of a belief which is just a thought that you have thought time and time again
That then it turns into a belief until you replace it with, new thoughts and because i wasn't
Not i wasn't able to just do this on my
Own i watched tapes and i listened to people and i read books and?
Every person that you listened to from tony robbins to a
Jody, who is just becoming a?
Life coach or a therapist or a healer or whatever they all did the same stuff they all douve into
Self-development to learn how, do i get rid of this disease to please how, do i get rid of this codependency how
Do i change these habits, and have more confidence in myself and be healthier and be happy
So i think that that's really important to understand that all this stuff is a practice
And and like i said watch these tapes, again
And again and this stuff will get into your mind and you become more aware of it when you are in situations
Where you finding yourself you know being a people pleaser and you'll be more aware when you're saying no when you?
Want to say or excuse me you're, saying yes when you, want to say
No, so i hope that that has helped. You guys out there that do suffer from the disease to please you can
A hundred percent you know
Move through this and learn how to really love yourself so again if you, like, this video don't forget to give it a
Thumbs up please, keep all the comments coming and i will see you next week