- I wanted to map my experience as an improviser
becoming Trump to the movie Tootsie and just do a tootsie
and have me teaching improve, open the same way
as Tootsie. You gotta work and you gotta do this
and then I can't job and the I wear the orange wig
which is just like tootsie, she's got read hair
and then just do the beats of it
and then reveal myself like the republican convention.
- Oh man that still could happen
- I think it would be a great special idea now
we've put it out on a comedy central
affiliated radio program
- Yes, there all listening, or at least pretending to
- Now it has to happen, exactly
(rock music)
- I had something happen to me this weekend
that I just want to celebrate before we get
into anything else, is that I left my purse
in a cab yesterday.
It was devastating.
But I mean, I always say because I practice meditation,
I didn't freak out. I really think that's the reason
that I don't, because generally I would just go
Oh my god, you're such fucking idiot, yell at myself
and my passport was in there,
and that's my only for of identification
because I dropped my ID on the street
and I got to my apartment and I'm getting ready to go,
Andrew and I were coming back from Philadelphia
we took the train, train to a cab, cab to my apartment,
got out, and we're up in my apartment.
I'm there for an hour before I realize my purse is gone
- How are you paying for stuff, did you just a wallet
or something also?
- I took my keys out of my bag while I was on the train,
because I was like I just want these on my person
I don't know, I probably saw it coming.
I feel like I've set myself up to lose my purse,
because I was able to get in my apartment,
- Some part of your mind - Knew
- And also, like, some part of your mind both knew
- But also was like "I'm leaving this"
- Yes!
That's the interesting thing
- Yes what did I want to leave in that think, I don't know
because here's the thing I get in my apartment
and honestly once I realize I lost my purse
I'm like the only thing I really need in there
is my passport, eventually, but not until I need
to travel next which could be for a couple weeks
and I've lost my ID before on a trip
and it's a little bit of a hassle,
but you can get through security at the airport.
But then,
so I go online and I file the reports,
and it's Sunday so you can't get someone on the phone
and I was just like that's fine
- Were you certain at this point that it was in a cab
- Yeah because I remembered
- [Tom] Because you knew you had it on the train
- Is it gone? - Stay tuned
- So I've remembered, I was really taking myself through
the steps
- Stay tuned I'm going to tell you right now
- Yeah stay tuned, at the end of the sentence you will know,
that I got my bag back and we'll be right back.
So I remember, yeah you just start trying to remember
the last time, you felt it or held it.
and I definitely didn't leave it on the train
- [Tom] (mumbles)
- And I was, It's definitely in the cab and then,
Andrew was at my apartment, at the time,
we were about to go to lunch,
so I was like, where's my purse?
I gotta grab it because my wallet-
and I was like "oh no"
and he was freaking out a little bit more than I was,
I was like it's fine, I can pay for things with-
I have a bunch of cash, just from, just a
drawer of cash- I shouldn't say that.
- Yeah, yeah...and where do you live again?
(laughter)
- I had enough cash to get me by and then
I also, you can just pay for things electronically.
- [Tom] Yeah like on your phone and stuff.
- I use my CVS app to pay for things, I...
You can use ApplePay.
- Yeah
- Starbucks, like the things I buy are all app.
- Based anyway.
- Yeah, Postmates? I don't know when I even pay
for things with a credit card anymore.
- That's true, Seamless is just a thing where
I'm like, just food comes when I press this button.
- It's amazing, I used it for the first time last week
and I was like, oh my god this works.
- For the first time!
- Like on my phone, on my phone for the first time.
I have used Seamless a couple of times before...
- On like a personal computer?
- Yeah I usually get it on a computer.
- On like an old Dell?
- Yeah, yeah
(laughter)
- I unload an old Dell, that guy that pops out of
the box, dude you're getting some food.
- You know the Dell dude is a Proud Boy, right?
- Is that right!
- No
(laughter)
- Dude I would've totally bought it,
you could've said that he is dead or a Proud Boy
I would've been like yeah that makes sense.
- But I, I called, I was really just like, oh well
this is life, things could be so much worse than
losing your stupid purse like, who cares, I was like
let's just go to lunch I filled all the things and
because there is, and oh, I didn't know this
you go "lost item cab", google that, sends you to a
website, you file a report and then they make you pay
30 dollars
- That's a scam.
- To place your ad
- That's a scam.
I almost did the same thing for Nintendo switch
and people were like, don't do this.
- I did because I'm like whatever
and I can pay electronically, I don't even need my
purse to pay for this loss.
- Too convenient not to spend the money.
- You're placing an ad where?
I don't even understand.
- [Tom] Exactly
- I was so angry, not because I had to pay
the 30 dollars but people who lose their shit
like, no one has 30, and then they make you pay
to get something back- it's just ridiculous.
Couldn't get someone on the phone, and it almost nice
because then I would've been on hold and I wouldn't have
been able to go to lunch which is kind of nice
when you're like, well I've done all that I could do
I am powerless, yes, exactly.
And, so then I went to lunch and I felt really
fine about it
and I went back home hours later and I'm getting no emails,
I called a bunch of different places and they give you
the cab company and I called them, it doesn't matter.
I had resigned myself to like, losing my purse and sending
my, Jen, our producer and my assistant on like a
wild goose chase to obtain me some kind of ID
which I don't even know how I begin to do that.
And then I get a call from like a weird number
and I pick it up and I'm like, yes!
And its like hey Nikki this is Ron from the DC Improv
which I will be at next weekend.
- Yes queen.
- This guy calls me from the DC Improv and press falling
because says DC Improv and I'm like oh its gonna,
its not my purse.
- Yes
- And he goes, Nikki, its Ron from the DC Improv,
where is your purse hon.
And I'm like, that's a creepy way to just say that you
know someone has my purse, just tell me,
- Do you know where your kid is?
- Just when people kind of like, shame you about
the thing that, like, so where is your purse Nikki?
And kind of like a, are we doing a treasure hunt?
Just be not, just tell me what you know.
So I know, I don't know, do you know?
And he's like, I do know, someone called me.
And I'm like-
- What?
- Why would they have called you?
So, some guy finds my purse in the cab, he was the
second passenger after I had gotten out of the cab
to get in, so someone just sat next to my purse
and was like "eh I'm not even gonna tell the cab driver"
- Yeah
- What kind of person just gets in and doesn't,
first of all take any money or anything, like,
just leaves it.
- Yeah I would at least take money and leave.
- I mean you take something and leave it.
- I feel like all of you are probably in some
hidden camera show about morality or some shit.
- Oh that's interesting, yeah.
- That would be great, I would be like,
yeah I don't give a fuck.
(laughter)
- Do I still get the money?
- I won't sign the release and all you got is a
blurred face.
- Yeah and I get the cash.
- Yeah...well I, and this is the benefit of
a just terrible purse, like just a terrible looking.
It just, I use a tote bag that I got from H&M
that they give you to put your clothes in they leave.
Like instead of plastic they give you a reusable bag,
that's what I use as my purse because I just don't care.
And so I think someone was probably like
this is a bag of trash, which it looks like that too
with a wallet in it, but there is so much trash inside.
And the guy, I guess the guy got in and he riffled
through it, I had a lot of different things,
- Oh yeah but you didn't have a phone in there.
- [Nikki] No phone, no.
- So how did he contact you.
- So I think he opened my passport, he opened a check
I have from the weekend working in Philly,
he found out it was, he googled me,
went to my website, saw that the next place I would be
was the DC Improv
- Wow
- [Nikki] A lot of different ways to get in touch
with me...well...
- Or you can just walk in to any comedy club in New York
- DM me, oh yeah, there is that old thing of like,
well I don't have any of my New York dates listed
on my website so I don't, but yes, it is easy
we've established that is very easy to murder me.
If you wanted to murder me, or any stand up comedian.
- Any comedian, we're just putting our information
out there.
- Just go to my website-
- But also appearing in public constantly, at any time
someone could murder you.
- And there is no like, metal detectors walking into
a show, like anyone could come murder me any night.
- Yeah we need metal detectors.
- And it'll be weird to play this someday when it happens
and be like, she predicted it.
I just like to get ahead of things.
But, and then music starts, and then she died.
(laughter)
I can see how it's all going to be edited down later,
Jen have fun with that.
But my post to you miss...whatever.
So they guy, I get the guy's number from the DC Improv
guy, I call him and he's like, he was so funny, he goes
yeah I opened your purse and I realized, this girl's day
is going to be ruined in 6 different ways because she
doesn't have this bag, because I had weed in there,
I had a check, I had eyedrops, I had, I had so many
things that I looked at the bag to be like,
what would you thing of this person
- That so funny.
- You would just think it's a trash person.
- Such a chronic weed habit she needs eyedrops on the ready.
- I really do, I keep those things all the time.
- I know I do.
- Do you smoke weed?
- Yeah
- You do!
- You're busted this is a cop broadcast.
- This is a cop broadcast!
- Oh man
I got busted in Ludlow, and had PBA card and got off
and got my weed handed back to me.
- Wow that's tight
- Wait, we gotta get to that after the break,
all I wanna say is thank you to Bryan because
he, I called Bryan, I get Bryan's number and he is like,
he said that he had heard some Tom Segura bit where
he was like, it was really weird because I,
Tom Segura has this bit about, you know you found
someone's walled and he was just hoping that it would
be someone famous, or someone and it was just some
normal dude and didn't matter and he was like,
you know and the I opened yours and it was like
a famous comedian, and it felt nice that he
thought I was famous or whatever but he, he came to
my apartment on his day off and, from the Upper West side,
he was like, no I'll come to you and brought it to me
I tried to give him 100 dollars, he wouldn't take it,
I said, he dropped that he had a girlfriend very quickly
- Ahh just say was he hot, this could've been a love story.
- Which I was like damn this could've been so good.
He was adorable and I was like, can I do anything
and he was like my fiance and I
will come to a show sometime.
- Yeah right, great, thanks Bryan.
- Bryan just let me give you money, but he wouldn't
accept the money, I got my purse back and I just,
it was just so nice, it just, I needed that yesterday
so badly. I just spend a lot of time on Instagram
reading, that's where I get my news
- Yeah, I do it with the Twitter moments.
- Your news is pictures.
- I know and Twitter moment, and Reddit, just like,
being said about the world and like, we're never
going to respect animals or the planet and I was just like
everyone is trash, and then Bryan brings me my bag of
trash back, and I really screamed down the street
I needed you today Bryan, I was so, it just made me
feel so good.
But I do feel like if you're spending enough money,
if you take cabs in the city you are probably well off
enough to now steal from a purse.
- It's funny I thought that about the airport though,
I thought, well if you're at the airport, you're not
going to steal something, you've already
gotten to the airport.
- I leave my bag all the time unattended, but your switch,
you left it
- And then somebody took it though
- At the airport?
- [Tom] Yeah.
- I mean I get that, that free entertainment in the plane
- That's a good point, damn.
- I agree I don't, I don't think there is a
difference between-
- Did you steal my fucking switch?
- Yeah, I do I'm the switch.
- If you're name would've been on it, you would've
gotten it back, I don't, but if I find something, like,
there was a sweater at TSA that was just hanging on,
like, someone had lost a sweater left it at TSA,
and it was hanging there on the sign, waiting for a girl
to come back and get, and I just knew-
- You can't play MarioKart on a sweater.
- That's a good point.
- But I just knew no one was coming back for this,
that this sweater was going to end up in the lost and found
it was a cute sweater, I'm going to take it, so that's
kind of like the switch thing, like how am I gonna get
this back to this guy.
- Yeah that's a good point, I mean, I did, I did the same
the thing you did where I looked in all that stuff
where you file the report and that how I found out that
that was a scam, the 30 dollar thing.
Because I had called the airport and they were like,
yeah if somebody turns it in, we have it but nobody did.
- I couldn't be bothered, if I lost something ,
I would be like, I'm not, I do not,
I cannot file any paperwork.
- It was only because I was half way through Zelda
- Oh my god Sarah Silverman is waving to us and
that just made my morning.
- Sarah and I are just tracking each other today.
- I know she's, she is not coming here I don't know
how we didn't get her but, they have a busy morning
but, I can just do her right now;
"Hey Nikki, it's so good to be here, you're so funny
and I really look up to you,
oh is the other way around? Nevermind"
(laughter)
(rock music)