( Kevin Macleod: Local Forecast - Elevator plays)
*Bark!*
Show Dogs is dog shit(1)
Aside from being a 'mastiff'(2) waste of time
Show Dogs somehow manages to ascend itself from being your average inoffensive "dogs that talk" movie
We've seen countless times before
into one of the most mind-'beagle'-ing(3)...
out-of-touch and embarrassing attempts at a children's movie I've seen in recent years
The story follows a talking dog named Max
That's original...
Voiced by none other than Ludacris
Max: This is 'Ludacris'
*Appaws*
He obviously does an appawlling(4) job because his voice work lacks any kind of character whatsoever
So you wind up with a performance.. like this:
Max: Besides
It was a good thing I did out there today
warms my heart to see that family reunited
Yelp (5)
So in this universe dogs can speak English to each other and other animals, but humans can't understand it
Even though in this world police dogs are trusted to go undercover and attend stakeouts by themselves
I'm not gonna get too hung up on the rules here because this film would only ever be entertaining for three-year-olds anyway
Philippe: I would have stopped the madness but alas, I was not able
Now life has taken us on separate paths
But when a film like Cats and Dogs is trumping you and how much more sense
Its nonsense rules make
let's just say it doesn't show much conviction, does it?
and why should it?
This film is directed by Raja Gosnell of Big Momma's House
the Smurfs
and live-action Scooby-Doo Fame
Daisy: Look Out!
Max: Ruh-Roo!
and they could have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those meddling mothers
Mum: It wasn't until we got to the part that is been raising so much controversy that I
Had my little mom red flags going
We'll get more into that in a moment, though
So the actual plot of this movie
is that some evil baddies are smuggling animals by using a dog show in Las Vegas as a front
So Ludacris and Will Arnett have to go undercover as a show dog and trainer to specifically save a baby panda
Such an ingenious setup for a kids movie, huh?
I just know that plot points such as animal smuggling and undercover cops is what immediately pops into my head
When I think of innocent talking dog movies for children
Max: I've been around the block if you know wha..
and not on a leash if you catch my drift
what the fuck?
This is like if 101 Dalmatians was actually about puppy farming 101 Dalmatians
or if instead of Air Bud being about shooting basketballs like a true champ
it's actually about the shady behind the scenes where Air Bud shoots up steroids into his ass in the locker room
How truly out of touch are these movie producers that scripts like these can get past the
"are you kidding me" stage?
I swear these morons have never properly interacted with a child before in their lives
and yet they're being trusted to make entertainment for them.
These dumbasses probably baked their poor kids cupcakes with cocaine instead of flour
So wrapped up in their fake Monopoly board movie world that children appear to them as nothing more than living, breathing dollar signs
Or worse...
Thing is most parents and kids wouldn't care about any of this
They'd see a funny dog being cute maybe doing a dab or two and that's more than enough to justify the price of entry. Forget
about the kind of weird questionable setup,
it's not quite far enough to really upset anyone that seriously, however
Once you get to the scene where Ludacris gets his balls fondled while his buddies teach him to go to his "happy place"
Until it's over in a disturbing unintentional or not child grooming allegory
That's where one has to stop making excuses for filmmaking like this
Well my gut kind of sunk a little I thought
In the world, I kind of didn't know what to think. It was. It's kind of dumbfounding. Is that really?
On a movie? Right now? That my kids are watching?
Now obviously these horrendous scenes were cut from the film once the backlash started to hit and you're not exactly gonna find these on the
DVD extras but thanks to YouTube user spacecowboy22 2 - I was able to get a proper
Look at these scenes after hearing all the stories
Are you kidding me
I need to find a new word other than inept, because the sheer bumbling incompetence is so profound, so
authentic in its complete out-and-out idiocy, that I'm finding it difficult to even put into words how insulting and inappropriate
This is. Not one not a single one of the nitwits
who wrote the script, directed the
Sequences, checked over the dailies of Will Arnett grabbing the dogs puppy makers, or even anyone who had a passing
Knowledge of these scenes thought that this was a bad idea enough to cut it out of the movie
You might not think it's fair to hold this against the film, seeing as they did cut her out after catching heat
But the sheer fact that they either were completely unaware that this was even bad or the fact that they thought they could get away
With it in the first place is the true sign of a clueless,
Cynical, worthless product. It doesn't matter if they are aware of how bad it was or not
It was still in the first theatrical cut of the film and we cannot let them forget that they have to be held accountable
If for no other reason than to point and laugh at their complete
buffoonery, and anyway now the movie makes so much less sense because of these scenes being cut when the film was clearly written around these
Creepy moments kind of progressing the story or at least being part of it and influencing the editing and pacing
So now instead in the edited version that's on the DVD the same weird old guy who in the original
fondled his nuts runs his wrinkly hands along the poor dog this time without
specifically showing the fondling is sort of implied if you have any idea what goes on at dog shows I guess but then they have
The nerve of blasting sexy and I know it by LMFAO which is almost even more insulting and bizarre
I'm sexy and I know you know the entire story of the controversy
So with all that nonsense out the way what is even left to talk about? Well unsurprisingly there's plenty of other garbage. Oh
Shit, that's kind of really amazing. How did they get the dog to do that? I was just about to ask the same thing
Let's just compare the tone of two completely random different scenes from the film. "He always works a lot
Hey guys--Oh my bad, sorry I'm late"
So this is the kind of thing you'd expect to see in a dumb film like this
But then compare that with a scene like this
"Contraband in New York ports comes under NYPD jurisdiction Ling Lee is not mere contraband." Who is this for?
so aside from this film being a tonal mess that can't decide if it wants to be cute and kiddie or slightly more adult and
Edgy. first I, I'll
Take that catnip you promised
Hehe cell six fourteen the constant bad jokes quips and puns and my god are they bad: "You played defence
I play open fence" and 'funny man fall over' which is always a hoot
The cherry on top is my absolute favorite bad media trend reference humor
Ooh! he's a lady and the trampin' her
Of course movies like this scrape the bottom of the barrel in terms of their content and just chase whatever trend is out there
So it's no surprise that this is how they try to add life and humor to their worthless movie
just remember folks if you can't think of any actual jokes just make a reference and
Fuck it, that'll do
"Now this really is The Life of Pi!"
This is not a joke
It has about as much comedic substance as an actual reference in the bottom of a Wikipedia article
And that's not to say a reference humor's inherently bad. It just needs to be done right
Of course the Lego Batman movie and the lego movie also get references
Bork. What are you, the..the spinny lego head guy?
If this guy's an FBI agent, then I'm Lego Batman
because Will Arnett also starred in them and it's nice to be reminded of movies that are actually fun to watch and when you much
Rather be watching those movies. Yes, I would please leave this style of comedy to the people who know what they're doing and
Big mouth you can probably tell from the footage. I've shown so far that this is a sterile cheap
Putrid looking movie every scene is lit like a dentist's office
The production budget was only about five and a half million dollars according to IMDB
So chances are they planned out the shoot to be as cheap and quick as possible?
So clearly they had no time to make it look like an actual movie "nah
We're too busy coordinating hundreds of dogs!" at points there are shots so bad that it veers on cool cat levels of amateur
And I don't think the camera ever moves beyond one axis
Hence, the flat lifeless look "nah we don't need any energy or excitement in our kids movie. We have cute dogs"
Or just animate a dog dancing and then dab, I dunno. At one point
They even have the balls to homage Raiders of the Lost Ark but without the camera work, tension
music, violence, acting, humor, build-up, action, pace, editing, set design, setup, payoff
Choreography or literally anything that makes that scene special, and then we get to the message of this movie which besides it originally endorsing child
Grooming is some confusing message about accepting people for who they are. Max
Aka Ludacris originally judges the show dogs for being vain and petty, but then learns to appreciate that "they work
weawwy hard which means I now respect them"
Even though dog shows are kind of infamous for how badly they treat their animals. At least there's anti animal smuggling
Right? the more you think about this movie the more dreadful it becomes. It really is good fur nothing(6) *squeaky noise* Last but not leasht(7)
Let's talk about how many goddamn Dibbies are in this movie now
I realize I've never actually explained what a dibby is, despite using the word multiple times in the past without elaboration Dibby, D-I-
double B-Y is a word that I came up with to describe the phenomenon of creatures characters or things that are used for their cuteness
And/or comedy to manipulate audiences into liking a product or idea often with the intended goal of the Dibby becoming a worldwide
Marketing prodigy, for example the slugs from Flushed Away, the minions from Despicable Me, the raving rabbits
BB-8, Ewoks, and the porgs from Star Wars, the aliens from Toy Story, brains and wheelie from Transformers the rabbits from curse of the were-rabbit
nibbler from Futurama Olaf from frozen
Pikachu from Pokemon
wall-e
You get the idea and it doesn't necessarily have to be restricted to fiction either my Corgi Argy is a damn dibby himself red pandas
Are pretty dibby-ish, the 1965 BMW Isetta is an example of an inanimate object
That is a Dibby now that I think about it. Danny DeVito is a bit of a goddamn dibby too
So how does this idea relate to show dogs? Well dogs are the real-life incarnation of what I consider to be true
Dibbies, the ultimate Dibbies in a way with breeds like pugs
Chihuahuas French bulldogs and whatever the hell this completely ridiculous Dibby right here is being available as extremely valuable pets because of their popularity
It's not surprising that a piece of trash movie like show dogs would attempt to harness the true might of the Dibby
But without respecting their power I have to say that they may have gone too far on the dibby front this time with the movie
having annoying CG Dibby pigeons a dibby pug
Whatever this dibby is, a Panda Dibby and the countless breeds of Dibby dogs in the background of multiple shots
This is enough Dibby to fill an entire franchise spanning multiple series let alone one movie
I think it's safe to say that it's complete goddamn Dibby Overload
Show dogs is a rare breed(8) *bark* of bad movie with not one
Element aside from the mere act of featuring so many cute dogs being of any semblance of quality
Tell me why a movie is lazy and cynical as this deserves anyone's attention other than to point and laugh at how
Pathetic it is when we live in a world where we are so spoiled that we can see endless pictures and videos of the
Cutest dogs in existence for free whenever we want these moronic movies barely had a place back when they were popular in the early noughties
let alone in 2018 then add on top the hilariously out-of-touch and inappropriate subject matter and the
Controversy surrounding it and I have to say it's just kind of immensely embarrassing really everyone can appreciate a cute dog
They are so ubiquitous at this point that we don't even question the fact that they're plastered on the paper
We literally wipe our asses with I suppose this movie can be funny at times because of how terrible it is
"Oh shit" which is more than what can be said about some of the other movies in this series
but as far as the ranking goes
I'd put it in between Woody Woodpecker
And the Oogieloves, the Oogieloves being worse the link to the full search for the worst list is in the description
As far as genuinely good movies about dogs go
I'd recommend 2018's Isle of Dogs by Wes Anderson, or if you're in the mood for something more
Depressing and crushing and sad, I'd say check out Amores Perros from the year 2000 if you're not too faint of heart
Thank you all for watching and fur *bark*(9) the love of God don't feel like you need to hound *bark*(10) me for my use of puns
I swear the reign of terrier *whine*(11) will end soon. This has already been dograding(12) enough
Look, I'll give a large dalmation(13) to charity for every bad pun I've made. Man this is rough. I'm ending it now
Here we go again