>> Jon: WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A GREAT NIGHT FOR US.
WE'RE ALWAYS EXCITED ON THE SHOW TO FIND NEW TALENTED VOICES THAT
CAN CONTRIBUTE TO OUR PROGRAM SO WE ARE VERY PLEASED TO WELCOME
OUR NEWEST CONTRIBUTOR FROM SOUTH AFRICA, MR. TREVOR NOAH!
TREVOR, THANKS FOR JOINING US. NICE TO SEE YA!
WELCOME, SIR! >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Jon: HOW ARE YOU? WE'RE REALLY DELIGHTED THAT YOU'RE
GOING TO BE JOINING US. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND I KNOW YOU FLEW IN JUST YESTERDAY FROM SOUTH AFRICA.
>> YEAH, I JUST FLEW IN AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED!
>> Jon: OKAY. ALL RIGHT THERE, OLDIE BUT A GOODIE. VERY NICE.
>> NO, NO, SERIOUSLY, I'VE BEEN HOLDING MY ARMS LIKE THIS SINCE
I GOT HERE.
YEAH, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE MORE AFRAID OF POLICE IN AMERICA
THAN IN SOUTH AFRICA.
IT KIND OF MAKES ME A LITTLE NOSTALGIC FOR THE OLD DAYS BACK
HOME.
>> Jon: THAT'S JUST -- C'MON, ARE YOU SAYING BLACK PEOPLE IN
SOUTH AFRICA TODAY DON'T GET ASSAULTED AND KILLED BY POLICE?
>> OH NO, NO, I MEAN THEY DO, BUT SINCE APARTHEID ENDED
THEY'RE NOW ALSO GETTING KILLED BY BLACK POLICE.
PROGRESS.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Jon: WELL THAT'S, THAT'S, LISTEN, BABY STEPS.
BUT YOU'RE RELAXED NOW, YOU'RE NOT NERVOUS, YOU FEEL GOOD.
>> I'M JUST A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS, TO BE HONEST.
BETWEEN YOUR COPS, AND, FRANKLY, YOUR EBOLA.
>> Jon: YOUR EBOLA, MY FRIEND! IT'S NOT OUR, BELIEVE ME, HE
MISPOKE -- YOU ARE FROM AFRICA, IT'S YOUR EBOLA, MY FRIEND.
>> NO, NO. NO,NO. SOUTH AFRICA, JON.
WE HAVEN'T HAD A SINGLE CASE IN OVER 18 YEARS.
IN FACT, MY FRIENDS WARNED ME, THEY WERE LIKE
"TREVOR, DON'T GO, DON'T GO TO THE U.S., YOU'LL CATCH EBOLA!"
BUT I WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?
JUST BECAUSE THEY HAD A FEW CASES OF EBOLA DOESN'T MEAN WE
SHOULD CUT OFF TRAVEL THERE.
THAT WOULD BE IGNORANT."
RIGHT?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Jon: SURE -- THAT, THAT
-- THAT WOULD BE IGNORANT.
YOU KNOW, I GUESS WE TEND TO FORGET THAT SOUTH AFRICA,
YOU KNOW, ISN'T, YOU KNOW, RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO LIBERIA. RIGHT?
>> IT'S 4,000 MILES AWAY.
>> THAT'S WHAT I, YEAH, I WAS CALCULATING IN KILOMETERS.
>> I'M SURE YOU WERE, JON, >> Jon: THANKS.
>> I KNOW. YOU KNOW WHAT,
TO A LOT OF AMERICANS AFRICA IS JUST ONE GIANT VILLAGE, FULL OF
AIDS HUTS AND STARVING CHILDREN WHO
YOU CAN SAVE FOR JUST FIVE CENTS A DAY!
BUT THERE'S A WHOLE OTHER SIDE OF AFRICA YOU NEVER GET TO SEE.
>> Jon: YEAH! YOU'VE GOT THAT VIDEO OF THE LIONS WHO CHASE
THAT BUFFALO, AND THEN THE CROCODILE COMES UP
AND HE GRABS IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND THEN HE GOES --
>> YEAH, YEAH, AND THEN THE BUFFALO GETS AWAY.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH YEAH!
>> YES. YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
>> Jon: NOPE, ME NEITHER.
>> JON, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME.
IT'S CALLED "SPOT THE AFRICA".
>> Jon: THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE ME
IDENTIFYING ANYTHING ON A MAP, RIGHT?
>> NO, NO. I WOULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU.
>> Jon: THANK YOU.
>> JUST TELL ME WHICH OF THESE PICTURES WAS TAKEN IN AMERICA
AND WHICH IS FROM AFRICA.
>> OKAY, I GOT THIS. THE BEAUTIFUL HIGHWAY ON THE RIGHT
THERE, PROBABLY SILICON VALLEY, IT'S PROBABLY HEADING OFF TO
TWITTER THERE. THE ONE ON THE LEFT, CLEARLY BEEN SHELLED
BY REBELS, I'M GONNA GO WITH SOMALIA, MAYBE. AND --
>> ACTUALLY, THE ROAD ON THE RIGHT IS A SUPERHIGHWAY IN
CENTRAL AFRICA, THE PHOTO ON THE LEFT I TOOK FROM MY CAB ON MY
WAY HERE FROM THE AIRPORT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YEAH, THAT'S THE F.D.R.!
TRY AGAIN. TRY AGAIN.
>> ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. OKAY, THIS ONE'S EASY. ON THE LEFT THERE
THAT'S THE "SUCCESS ACADEMY" IN HARLEM. ON THE RIGHT THERE WE
GOT, YOU KNOW, WE GOT HOMELESS KIDS. I'M GOING WITH IN SOMALIA
AGAIN. I THINK THAT'S MY GO TO REFERENCE.
SOMALIA. HOMELESS KIDS.
>> I'M SORRY, JON. THE ANSWER I WAS LOOKING FOR WAS
"CLASSROOM IN KENYA" ON THE LEFT AND "CHILDREN
IN DETROIT" ON THE RIGHT.
LAST ONE.
>> Jon: I HATE THIS (BLEEP) GAME.
ALRIGHT, NOW, I GET HOW THIS WORKS NOW. THE ONE ON THE
RIGHT THERE, THAT'S DETROIT, RIGHT? OKAY? AND THEN UH --
>> WELL ACTUALLY, THAT'S, THAT'S A SLUM IN JOHANNESBURG.
SOME PLACES IN AFRICA ARE STILL PRETTY (BLEEP).
>> Jon: ALRIGHT, I GET YOUR POINT THERE, TREVOR. BUT
YOU'RE NOT SAYING THAT THINGS IN AFRICA ARE BETTER THAN THEY
ARE IN AMERICA, ARE YOU?
>> NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT SAYING THAT. YOU GUYS ARE SAYING THAT.
>> THE UNITED STATES RIGHT NOW INCARCERATES MORE
AFRICAN-AMERICANS AS A PERCENTAGE THAN APARTHEID
IN SOUTH AFRICA DID. THE RACE GAP IN WEALTH IN THE UNITED
STATES RIGHT NOW BETWEEN THE MEDIAN WHITE FAMILY AND THE
MEDIAN BLACK FAMILY IS 18 FOLD. THAT'S GREATER THAN THE
BLACK-WHITE GAP WAS IN APARTHEID SOUTH AFRICA.
>> Jon: OH MY GOD. >> HERE'S THE AMAZING PART.
FOR SOUTH AFRICA TO ACHIEVE THAT KIND OF BLACK-WHITE WEALTH
GAP, WE HAD TO CONSTRUCT AN ENTIRE APARTHEID STATE, DENYING
BLACKS THE RIGHT TO VOTE OR OWN PROPERTY.
BUT YOU, YOU DID IT WITHOUT EVEN TRYING!
WE TRAINED FOR DECADES AND YOU JUST WALTZED IN AND WON THE GOLD
MEDAL.
>> Jon: WELL THAT'S, YOU KNOW, BLUNDERING INTO THINGS
IS HOW WE ROLL.
>> WELL, AT LEAST WE'RE GETTING BETTER, WE STARTED FROM THE
BOTTOM AND NOW WE'RE HERE. >> Jon: A LITTLE BIT OF DRIZZY.
A LITTLE BIT OF DRAKE RIGHT THERE. A LITTLE BIT OF --
>> I'VE NEVER HEARD OF HER. >> Jon: ALRIGHT.
>> I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST, JON.
AFRICA IS WORRIED ABOUT YOU GUYS. YOU KNOW WHAT AFRICAN
MOTHERS TELL THEIR CHILDREN EVERY DAY?
BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE BECAUSE THERE ARE FAT
CHILDREN STARVING IN MISSISSIPPI. IN FACT,
WE ARE SO WORRIED THAT ME AND SOME OF MY FRIENDS IN
SOWETO GOT TOGETHER AND I TOLD THEM, I SAID GUYS, FOR
JUST A FEW PENNIES A DAY, YOU CAN HELP AN AMERICAN.
>> Jon: THAT'S VERY KIND, TREVOR.
>> NOW THEY'RE EXPECTING SOMETHING FROM YOU IN RETURN.
THEY'RE EXPECTING AT LEAST A LETTER A MONTH.
>> Jon: NO, I KNOW. I KNOW HOW THAT GOES.
I KNOW HOW -- YOU HAVE TO WRITE --
>> IF YOU WANT, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN JUST DRAW A PICTURE.
>> Jon: WILL YOU PUT IT UP ON THE FRIDGE? THAT'S NICE.
>> OH AND YOU KNOW WHAT? WE WROTE A SONG FOR YOU AS WELL.
>> Jon: ALRIGHT. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.
>> YEAH, YEAH. GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS
♪ FEED AMERICA.
♪ LET THEM KNOW IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME.
>> Jon: OH, NO! ALRIGHT NO, PLEASE! WE CAN'T --
>>♪ FEED AMERICA EVERYBODY NOW!
♪ LET THEM KNOW IT'S
CHRISTMASTIME ♪♪ >> Jon: TREVOR NOAH,
EVERYBODY!