- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is "Breaking News."
- Hello and welcome to "Breaking News."
The show where we have no idea what we're about to say
and aren't aloud to smile or laugh.
I'm Ray Romano.
- What?
(laughing)
- I'm sorry. And I'm-
- Debra!
- Not quite.
- Oh all right, maybe you're a mom.
(laughing)
- Keep going, keep going!
Keep trying for it!
We're gonna make it, we're gonna make it happen.
- Ahh, ahh.
- No, no, no, too late.
Hello, I'm Mrs. Doubtfire, dear.
- You're Mrs. Doubtfire?
You mean you were the whole time,
the whole time, the whole time?
(laughing)
- Stop, please.
- Yes, but I'm a hip old granny who can hip hop.
(laughing)
- These are the real lines.
(laughing)
- I hate you guys.
Dance 'til you drop and yo yo make a wicked cup of cocoa.
- My brother Robert is tall.
How was your weekend?
- I've actually never seen Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Well, what do you think it's about?
- As far as I can tell, Robin Williams
is a divorced father and he lies
to try and see his kids, but nobody
can tell that he's Mrs. Doubtfire
which seems implausible to me.
- And that was your weekend?
- Yes.
- Okay, I can't tell if that's problematic.
Now for our weather report with
former minister Pat Bebresen who
will tell us what sins are responsible
for our bad weather this week, Pat?
- I want to begin by saying he has risen
the temperatures downtown due to
an increase in gambling downtown.
- I've said downtown twice but
it's a different story in Malibu
where I believe teenage masturbation
has ignited an outbreak of wildfires across the area.
- Mmmm.
- According to my weather tools,
the fires should subside by the weekend
which can only mean that by that time
everyone will have stopped masturbating.
- Exactly what religion are you?
- I believe that I'm the only person that's real.
- You leave my mother out of this.
- For our seven day forecast,
the Northwest is showing a buildup
of rock and roll while Florida's
been riddled with sink holes due to
the popularity of Harry Potter.
- I was hoping it would be nice
enough this weekend to go get some Pinkberry.
- Shut your filthy mouth, you're a heathen.
(laughing)
- Yo, I'm a raptor and I'm here to say,
I'm really hoping that we'll have a better day.
Oh wait, there's actually something written here.
I'm raptor, doing what I can,
gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man.
Yo yo see me, I'm living below the salt,
I'm a bat but I'm coming back as oil.
- And that is from Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Really?
Fascinating.
- I'm hearing our sports correspondent Jamie
has the low down on everything sports, Jamie?
- Bonzo Ball just won it all for
the New Orleans Raptors.
(laughing)
- By laying the ball up with some English.
- And for our viewers, what does that mean?
- It's sort of a cross between a dunk and a sha.
- Oh, okay, so it just means that
he put some spin on the ball off the backboard?
- Exactly.
- I've always wondered, what does
it mean in basketball when someone says they're butt naked?
- It's sort of like a cross between
when you put some spin on the ball,
but then you put a little spin on your balls.
- I just looked it up and that is correct.
It means they're wide open, just like Jame says.
(laughing)
- See, now back to you Mrs. Doubtfire
for some more information on the incident
in Ohambra that left nine people dead
and another in critical condition, what happened?
(evil laugh)
- It was a drive by fruiting.
(laughing)
But seriously, a lot of people died.
- Well, that's all the time we have.
Special congrats to our loser this week.
We aren't supposed to smile or laugh
and you were terrible, Erika.
- Surprising no one.
Why did you give me such a Mrs. Doubtfire heavy script?
- Listen, it's a classic for some reason,
even though real iffy in terms of the politics.
- And it was fun 'cause I got to talk about my balls.