our next guest is uh certainly a unique performer he is regularly seen on mtv and can be seen in
person starting tomorrow night at caroline's right here in new york city please welcome back to this
program comedian Gilbert Gottfried oh please stop oh now you're getting carried away oh just stop
oh just cut it cut it out i don't have that much time ah stop all right all right please you're
too kind you're way too i'd like to if i could reach out and grab each and every one of you and
just squeeze you and just take you one by one and squeeze you and then mess you up all together and
just like mush you up and let you drip through my fingers and and mush you into a nice little ball
and bounce you around and keep you inside a little plastic egg when i'm through playing with you
and then take out when the sunday news arrives and fresh on pictures of dick tracy
and then lift it up and make his face get wide and long and wide and just and eventually when
i get tired of you i'll let you fall behind the radiator with my dead turtle
because he's dead and that's it he's dead he's a dead turtle that's it my turtle is dead now a lot
of you say well you're sure he's dead yes yes he's a dead turtle it's nothing you don't have to think
about it you don't have to hold a mirror under his nose he fell behind the radiator he dried up
he lost his moisture there is no more moisture there he's not a moist turtle anymore but a turtle
is not moist it's not anything kirkegaard said that he was one of his earlier i think it says
it's not moist he lost a turtle without moisture it's it's like a paper weight with nostrils it's
a it's a meaningless object it's just at all the turtle houses you go to a pet store you go
can i have a moist animal please well we we have several damp animals uh i want a moist
animal well we uh can i interest you no wet animal no i'd like a moist animal please i
wouldn't have i'm moist and then you get it you get a turtle you put them inside a tank
with a little snap in palm tree and they glow pebbles and a little staircase that leads up
to the snapping palm tree because god knows a staircase is very important to a turtle
it's the first thing a turtle can ask for it's a staircase you know you take a
turtle you put them in the tigers where's the staircase is this i want a staircase
how am i gonna get up to the snapping palm tree without a staircase once i got a turtle i put
him into the tank with no staircase he stayed up the whole night standing on two legs going
damn you damn you he's a very mellow dramatic uh turtle you know damn you see i thought it
going for a third time what the hell and but i gave him it i gave him the stabbing punchy
the dayglo pebbles the staircase and he tried to escape he would always he'd try to escape
he'd fall to the ground and go where are you going where is a turtle in a hurry to get to
and i'd pick him up i put him back in the tank and i go don't try to escape and he did give
me that typical turtle yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that typical uh turtle
and then he tried to escape he fell behind the radiator and he dried out he dried out lost his
moisture dried out i tried to put my hand under there to get him but it's disgusting under there
it's like it's like dust and dead bugs and it's like and i i tried with a broom but you know you
can't there's nothing to hook around with a broom it's a broom's not curved or anything so you push
it under the radiator and it's you wonder pushing them further back and then knocking them from
one side to the other it's it's like playing pool with a dead turtle it's like you know you're just
hitting this disgusting uh it's not even green anymore it's like a grayish brownish unmoist color
and uh you know i called carl sagan up i i said hello carl because i often talk into my pinky when
i'm on the phone i said hello carl it's a dead turtle under my right hand he said you try with
a broom and i said yes carl yes carl i did and he said it's sort of like playing pool isn't it
and i said bingo carl bingo bingo call was a famous musical comedy about karl marx uh
bingo called norman fell playing him it's a long story i i wouldn't worry about it but you know
just uh just the other day i was talking to kurt voldheim i was in austria i figured i'd stop
in and say hi so he said to me you know ah kurt said this to me he said you know a few years ago
i was in germany and me and my wife are having our picture taken well who walks next to us right
as the picture's being taken adolf hitler boy go figure the chances of that happening
i didn't even know this guy the one time i have a picture taken hitler walks into it and yeah
it's it's like and then they they need my picture for the paper what photo do they use the one with
him naturally naturally that's the one they use naturally naturally oh naturally you know i was in
canada recently it's it's like another country it's uh it's it's like it's like you got on
a plane and went somewhere else it's uh you got and it's it's it's they make maple syrup 24 hours
a day there it's a maple syrup country it's they live off maple syrup you get out the plane they go
well long flight i suppose you'll be wanting your maple syrup now ah how would you like your maple
syrup little jars of maple syrup perhaps well no i'd like a hotel how would you like a big vat
of maple syrup well no i just have plates there put my luggage would you like little
jars of maple syrup with northwest mounted police that you squeeze in the squirts out of their heads
just tell us how you want your maple syrup that's all we need to know because years ago
canadians were walking through the forest and they saw a tree that had good dripping out of it
and they said there's some weird disgusting goo dripping out of that tree let's eat it
you