- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News.
- Welcome to Breaking News,
where none of us know what we're about to say
and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
Live from the studio,
I'm Little Rummy Tum Tum.
- And I'm Beaver Cleveland.
- Oh, God.
- Our top story of the night,
how to make your house a Home Depot?
A Philadelphia man sold everything he loved and cherished,
including two of his three kids,
to open his very own lumber yard.
- Home Dep-no.
- Eye witnesses say they say this balding batty
just hurling shit out of his one-story colonial ranch.
Two bed, two bath complete with a very messy basement
in order to make room.
- His neighbors are running around
screaming at all hours of the day
in fear that he'll try to take their colonial homes
down the same screwy path.
- How many neighbors do you think he's got?
- No less than 12, Beaver.
- Whoo-ee, that's too many Home Depots for one block, Rum.
- As someone who has Home Depot memorabilia
all scattered throughout my sad, sad duplex,
I still have to agree.
With tears in my eyes, I agree.
- Now with the weather,
our completely underqualified meteorologist, Fluffy Zoosh.
Fluffy?
- Happy to be here team.
This week is gonna be a wild one.
First, it's gonna rain for 48 hours
but only over Northmont, Arkansas.
In weather college, we're taught
to call this strange instance
"God pissing somewhere it deserved".
Make sure to stay indoors and sandbag your windows.
And lace up those galoshes because it's soak time.
- God's piss, huh?
- 100 percent.
It's a grade A deity urine, baby.
As we all know, Northmont, Arkansas residents
just fucking hate moisture.
Last time this happened, you could hear their screaming
all the way into Idaho.
Just a bunch of whiners yelling,
"Quit giving us tinkle, Father",
"It sure don't taste like urine",
and my personal favorite, "Fuck".
- That's my favorite too, fuck!
- Once the rain ceases, it's gonna be cloudy as shit
but also hot, a real nasty combo
like the number four Hot Jack's spicy shrimp.
We're talking dense clouds too, real thick buddies.
Cold fatties, but don't worry Northmonthos,
curvy idiots will just part
right in time for the solstice, so you can have your
"hurl a neighbor into the sun festival".
All hail the God of sun.
May she be appeased.
- Thanks Fluffy.
We interrupt with some breaking news
from our field reporter, Toronto's Onfire.
Toronto's!
- Thanks Beav.
Toronto's Onfire here, coming to you live from Toronto.
Guys, please don't make me do this.
- What's going on in Toronto, Toronto's?
- Yeah, what's the scoop Toronto's?
- I'm begging you to left nut me off the hook.
I asked for any other assignment.
This feels wrong and murthy.
- Push through the pain.
- (yelling) Fine, you want the scoop?
Turns out CNN's very own rascal, Wolf Blitzer,
was caught attending a party with actual wolves.
(coughing)
(laughing)
And get this, he was drinking a carbonated wine beverage
that he claimed could heal his female sibling's
friction-induced sore.
- That means --
- Wolf Blitzer attended a wolf mixer
while drinking a spritzer elixir
to cure his sister's blister.
And apparently the elixir was a success
because Mr. Blitzer was hired at Tiffster as a --
- Tongue twister?
- No, as a consultant, dumb ass.
(laughing)
That's all for me, gang.
This is Toronto's Onfire reminding you
that windbreakers should just be called fart jackets.
Back to you, Beav.
- Thanks, Toronto's, now back to you Toronto's.
- Thanks, Beav.
(repetitive music)
(clearing throat)
(laughing)
That about does it for me.
Now back to you, Beav.
- Thanks, Toronto's.
Before we go, our loser of the week is me
because I couldn't keep it together.
- Thanks for watching.
- Ruff is a loser.
(laughing)