- Hello, and welcome to the Rank Room.
This is a game show where we try to answer
life's most important questions.
Today's question is: What is the worst way
to announce a pregnancy?
(dramatic music)
Today I'm joined by Michael Trapp,
- An expert at living.
- Rekha Shankar,
- Expert at living.
- And Grant O'Brien.
- Expert at living.
- Grant, would you like to start?
- I'd like to.
It seems to me that the worst way
to announce pregnancy is in period blood.
And I'll tell you why.
- Wait.
- Do you understand... - A baby?
- (Rekha Laughs)
- Here's the thing, you wouldn't be on your period if you
- That's exactly why it's the worst way to announce
a pregnancy, because not only, not only,
not only
- Not only, yeah.
(laughter)
- What?
- Not only are you announcing anything in period blood,
which is not a great way to announce things,
but it means that it's either old period blood
or someone else's period blood.
- Or, what all of us thought, - You don't have a baby.
- (in unison) Which is a miscarriage.
- Which would also be a very bad to announce a pregnancy.
- I guess if you saved your period blood
for this occasion, that would be strange.
- It would be strange.
- That would be the first thing I would say, I would say,
"Hm. How strange. What a strange thing you've done."
- Well, with a Diva Cup this would be really easy to do.
- Yes, of course.
Just save your little Diva Cups.
I am pregnant.
Rekha, would you like to go ahead?
- Yes.
(laughter) My first idea is
a period Advent calendar.
- This is weird.
This is a weird thing
that's happening right now. - This is also weird.
- No!
This is weird for fun reasons.
Yours is weird for bad reasons.
- I... - I think a combination of
- Let her speak!
Rekha, you have the floor.
- Thank you.
You have an Advent calendar that has, you know,
from light to heavy tampons or pads under it,
just as a fun way to have your period.
You pull off the pad and you're like, "It's my heavy day."
- Heavy day, yeah.
- Yeah, fun, this is me!
Sorry, this is me.
Then, if you're pregnant, you take out
all the tampons and the pads, right?
So then, when you're in front of your partner, you're like,
"Oh, time to go to the period calendar!"
And they won't think it's weird cause they're like,
"That's Rekha!"
- "She does this!"
- "She does this, it's her!"
And so then, you open the day, and there's nothing there.
And then your partner's like, "What?"
They instantly know.
They instantly know. - I love that.
- As a person who doesn't have a period, that seems to me
to be, to necessitate an incredibly regular period.
- Thanks.
(laughter)
- I feel like, you know, that's just so easy to fuck up.
- Trapp, what are you gonna say?
What are you really gonna say right now?
- What's nice about it is that birth
is such an important part of Advent anyway.
Tie was a little of there. - What is Advent?
- It's the 4 weeks leading up to Christmas,
which is the birth of Jesus, - Jesus.
- so it's the last month of Mary's pregnancy.
While she traveled to Bethlehem, so that Joseph
could be counted for tax purposes.
- And, can you explain to me again
how Christianity will save me?
- Keep this secular!
- Wow.
- As usual, let's keep it secular.
- Keep it sexy.
- Sexylar.
- Sexular.
- Sexular!
My announcement is to just continue to deny it.
(laughter)
- Ooh!
- One of the worst things you can do is to congratulate
someone on a pregnancy when they're not pregnant.
- Yeah. - Oof, painful.
- And, it gets more and more evident.
It's the way a pregnancy works.
- Oh!
- Just to be able to like, for like, all your friends,
like one by one, make them feel that deep, utter loathing
that comes with getting that wrong, just like,
"When is it due?"
And just like, "No. No."
"Not at all." - It is not due.
- Really? I just put my hand on your stomach and it kicked.
- No. That's not what that is. That is a...
- Indigestion.
- Miss, you're crowning.
- Hmm?
- You're crowning.
- That is not what's happening.
That's urine.
- That's urine.
- Don't judge my urine!
- I pee like a snake, it's solid urine.
- This is a breech urine.
- You don't understand, I need to go to the hospital.
(laughter)
- And with that, I guess comes like,
eventually that baby will show up, and uh,
- Keep denying it?
- I don't have a baby.
Nope.
- No, I don't have a baby, no.
- I don't have a baby.
- Why are you doing this?
- I don't have a baby, nuh-uh, not me.
- You are lactating.
- (in unison) Not me!
(laughter)
- I should go.
- Sure.
- Sad sibling rivalry.
Two sisters.
They spend their entire lives with a fierce rivalry.
- Hot.
- Who is gonna make the baseball team?
Who's gonna make the softball team?
Who's gonna, you know,
- Super athletic.
- One gets on the baseball team,
one gets on the softball team?
- Incredibly athletic.
- Forget that.
- No, never.
- I don't think I will.
I don't think I will.
- Who's gonna make the squash team?
Who's gonna make the racquetball team?
- The rivalry is fierce, okay?
Their entire lives, they're competing for these things.
One of them gets pregnant, the older sister gets pregnant.
And around the same time, younger sister's like,
"I wanna have a pregnancy as well, I really do."
This is sad, so don't -
(laughs)
But nine months, it ends with a death.
A stillbirth?
- Mhmm.
- I'm so sorry.
In that moment, her sister comes in, not knowing
that it's been a stillbirth, and she goes,
"Guess what? I'm pregnant with twins!"
'Cause that's what everyone wants, right?
Everyone wants twins.
- No, oh my god, no! - I don't like twins.
- Mary-Kate and Ashley.
Everyone loves twins.
I have loved twins my entire life.
- I know. - This is factual.
- That would be terrible.
- That would be terrible even if the baby wasn't stillborn.
- I know and it would be especially sad
if she'd just lost the baby.
- Sure.
Was it a softball injury?
Is that why the baby was stillborn?
- She was the baseball.
- To be clear, the specificity of announcing twins,
that is important because that is the best possible...
- Objectively better than one baby, is two.
- Is two babies, two!
Hello, guys, do you not like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen?
Grant, go ahead.
- I think the worst way to announce a pregnancy
would be to say "It's Grant's."
Now look, I think I have a lot of good qualities.
- Why?
(laughter)
- Who told you that?
- I'm not ready to have a kid.
I'm not financially stable enough for it.
I'm not emotionally stable enough for it.
I'm not in a relationship that would,
I'm not in a relationship.
It would be very upsetting to me to hear,
"It's Grant's baby."
- So this is worse for you?
- Yeah, yeah.
- It goes for everyone - Yeah, does make sense.
- Yeah, wouldn't you be upset if somebody said to you,
"My baby is Grant's," and, - Oh I'd be so upset.
- "Grant is going to be the father of my kid?
- Yes.
- Oh, god.
- Hang on, now wait a minute, wait a minute, you know what?
This one loses.
That's great to hear.
- I think it should stay on the table.
- Yeah, keep it there.
- I'm gonna leave it here, but this one,
this is the wrong answer.
- I wanna go back to something you said.
You said you have many good qualities?
(laughter)
- Yeah, I do have many good qualities.
I'm as kind as I feel
I can be. - Can be.
- Sure, bare minimum.
- I think I'm funny.
- Okay, overconfident.
- I fuck people just right.
- Ew!
(laughter)
- Are those your qualities?
- You fuck just right?
- You think you're funny and you try to be kind?
(laughter)
- Honestly?
- That is the diet version of what's,
"I'm looking for someone who's kind and funny," it's like,
well, he tries to be kind and he thinks he's funny!
- Rekha, would you like to go again?
- Sure.
Egg performance art.
Now, you have to write a play.
Like a one person show about birth and rebirth
and whatever, and you gotta be stressing a lot
to your partner, like, "Oh, I hope tickets sell."
"I hope people come."
God, I'm so, the lighting cues are a mess.
- Oh, dress rehearsal!
- Dress rehearsal, can't have dinner tonight, gotta go.
Then, it's opening night.
There's one ticket for your partner.
The theater is empty.
Surprise everyone.
You didn't invite anyone else to the show.
They have to watch this three hour show
by themselves in a large auditorium
and the end is you announcing your pregnancy.
- It's possible that most plays are bad.
- I saw a woman in New York, I think her thing
was she dressed up as bugs.
- Bunny?
- That sounds like... - Bunny?
- No, sorry different types of bugs.
- Okay - What?
- Like, insects.
- No, I know.
Why did you say bunny?
- Like, Bugs Bunny. (laughs)
(laughs)
- Oh, what a joke!
- What a joke!
What a card!
- I don't...
- Who is bugs?
- I don't know.
- Guys, you have to know.
We didn't all, we weren't all
raised by your parents, Trapp. - Go to the same school.
We didn't all go to the same college!
- We don't all have the same degrees.
Trapp, would you like to go ahead.
- Yeah, sure.
This is just written as risky pregnancy,
but what I would imagine would be a party
for all your friends and all you can eat
sushi and roller coaster beer festival.
- No!
- Yeah.
- Hot tubs.
- Hot tubs - Beer.
- And soft cheeses!
- [ Michael] Yeah.
All of that, it's part of this great party.
- Smoking.
- Which, - Cocaine.
- There's so many truly fun things
that you can't do when you're pregnant.
- I didn't know hot tubs.
- Yes.
- It cooks the baby.
- That baby's dead. - Yeah.
- Like, for sure.
- 'Cause that's the announcement at the end.
That's the big reveal, it's like,
"Okay, I suppose you're wondering why we've had
the best day of our lives. - A carnival, yeah.
A carnival of delights here.
All the deli meats we could eat.
- Yes! - You can't eat deli meat?
- You can't eat deli meat.
- You can't.
There's so many rules.
I will say, I think this is a great answer
and actually, I came up with it.
- No, what?
(laughs) I came up with it.
- I didn't mean that.
- What are you talking about?
- And actually, - This is my thing.
- This is mine.
And actually,
- Why did I say that?
My final idea is Lights, Camera, Conception.
Get a load of this.
Two people are, they are both in the film industry.
They develop a little GoPro type thing that sticks
on the end of the penis.
- You're so proud of this.
- I love it. (laughs)
- You're so proud of this even though,
- It sticks on the end of the peen and
it can go inside a vagina during intercourse.
- It's like when you, like a colonoscopy.
- Yes, exactly.
But this is a penis. - Yeah like a colonoscopy.
- Yeah, it's just like a colonosopy.
- Like when I give myself a colonoscopy.
- Yeah.
- So anyway, the camera records the exact moment
when the man ejaculates into the woman.
- And it doesn't get on the camera?
- The camera is set up in such a way,
as to catch the ejaculation.
- And there's plenty of light in there.
The lighting is... - Yes!
I said they work in film, my god.
- They know how to light the inside of a vagina.
You get a softbox up and you light the inside of a vagina!
What's going on?
- Are you stupid?
That's why I said they work in the industry.
- God!
- Mea culpa, you know what, you're right.
- They work in the industry.
They know how to light a vagina.
They know how to do this.
Anyway, few months later, they find out
that they are, indeed, pregnant.
They post footage and then they end it with a title card
that says, "It was a success."
- The actual,
- Announcement is this man's peen ejaculating.
- But all of it's on camera.
- I'm sorry, can you run through those hand motions
by me one more time please.
- A man's peen ejaculating.
- Don't do that ever again.
- That's not the moment of conception.
- It happens off screen!
- Grant, I got a 5 on A.P. bio, I know.
- It's almost like you'd need a tinier GoPro
on top of the GoPro that one of the sperm
can snag. - Follows the sperm.
Yeah, there's an even smaller little camera.
The sperm that will be successful, he knows.
- He's strong.
- [Mark] He's got a little camcorder.
- He puts on the backpack.
It's a backpack camera. - Why not though?
- And he floats to...
- Yeah, he's like a dad.
It's like in night vision by accident and the lens cap's on.
- This sperm has arms in your mind.
- The sperm has a backpack on.
- Well, what's it hanging on?
- Flagella.
- He's got little arms.
- Okay, cool. - You don't know.
- You're the one with a 5 in A.P. bio. that's what
I'm trying to confirm. - I'm the one with a 5, okay?
- Stick to Bugs Bunny, Trapp.
- I'm getting hung up on the mechanics of this,
which I shouldn't be.
This is clearly a fantasy. - You absolutely shouldn't be.
- But, how is this attached, what does this feel like?
This can't be comfortable for the woman.
- They're in the film industry.
- It's attached easily and it feels good.
(laughs)
- Anyway, all I'm saying is, yeah, it can happen, okay?
You can have a camera attached to a penis
inside a vagina, ejaculating, - It's a turducken.
- It's a turducken!
- I'll bet this exists.
- Yeah, hello?
(laughs) - Hello?
- Knock knock.
Reality calling! - Read a fucking book!
Read a book, man!
- Knock knock, read a book!
- Get Bugs Bunny outta your head.
- Never!
- Get Bugs Bunny outta your head for once
in your goddamn life, you idiot.
- What's up, doc?
Reality.
- Yeah, reality!
Guys, it is now time to eliminate and rank.
Grant, I'm gonna turn to you first.
- Yep.
- We have eight very good ideas on the table.
- I would like you to pick one to go in the top three.
- I would like to nominate Egg Performance Art
as being one of the worst ways to announce a pregnancy
because of how much garbage performance art
I've seen in my life.
So I would submit this
to the top three. - Excellent.
Thank you very much.
Rekha, I turn to you next.
- I think Lights, Camera, Conception is pretty bad.
It might be hot to some people, but also a bad way
to announce a pregnancy.
- Michael Trapp.
- Yes.
If we're talking about truly awful things that we,
that would just absolutely devastating.
- For the globe.
- For everyone involved.
If we're talking about what pregnancy announcement
you just can't handle, it's gotta be It's Grant's.
- Yes!
I ask all of you to join me in throwing dramtically,
the questions that...
(laughs)
Everyone, now it is time for me to rank the top three.
- Very good.
- In third place, we have Lights, Camera, Conception.
In second place, we have Egg Performance Art.
- No, no, no.
- And of course, in first place, everyone agrees with me,
I'm sure, It's Grant's.
- I don't think that's right.
- Would be devastated. I don't think that's...
- It would be truly devastating.
- Truly awful, yeah.
- Thank you so much for watching
this episode of The Rank Room.
Tune in again and we will be answering more
of lifes' most important questions.
Michael Trapp, Rekha Shankar...
(laughs) - Did you forget?
It's Grant.