- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
- Hello, and welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we don't know what we're about to say,
and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Amanda Huganki-
Hugankiss.
- And I'm old enough to remember Amanda Hugankiss
being a joke on the Simpsons in 1994.
Death and worse,
irrelevance, seem closer every passing day.
Our top story tonight,
Yelp is launching a dating service
for the awful misanthropes who use their site.
- Oh, I love Yelp.
- Me too.
I like knowing that if I leave anything
other than a five star review,
I've materially contributed to the ongoing immiseration
of shift workers and that they're literally powerless
to defend themselves against my thoughtless cruelty.
- The other day I left two stars for a coffee shop
where I said the service wasn't friendly enough
because for a $1 tip, I expected my snatch worked like.
(woman laughing)
- I read ahead.
(man laughing)
(both laughing)
(laughing and expressing disgust)
- Then you're gonna love Yelp Date.
It's a service that matches you with other Yelp users,
based on how prick-ish and unreasonable you seem
in your essays
about how your table didn't have a nice enough view.
I like to think of them as 500 assholes.
Boy,
I wish I'd had Yelp Date
before I went on the worst date of my life.
(woman chuckles)
Let me think here.
- Just make one up.
(laughing)
- Who's gonna know.
- So,
one time I,
we were supposed to go to a restaurant,
but the, the reservations fell through.
So we just ended up going to the dorm room
and watching Mind of Mencia against my wishes.
(woman gasps) (man laughing)
- You know, I'd go out on a date with you.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
But I'm a terrible date, ask anyone.
- Now, what would we do?
- I'd start off the night arriving
(sighs)
two hours late.
- Okay.
- The whole time I'd be calling you and saying,
"I'm almost there, Just give me literally a minute."
(man laughing)
- Great. So I wouldn't go anywhere.
- So you wouldn't go anywhere. - Terrific
- And then every five minutes,
"I'm almost there. Just give me a minute."
This goes on for two hours.
I pick you up,
(chuckling) two hours late.
(woman chuckling)
The whole time I'm in a terrible mood.
- Why are you in a bad mood?
- Crying.
And I won't, every time you try to ask me, I say,
"It's none of your business. Stop it.
Okay.
I don't wanna talk about it."
And then anytime you don't ask about it, I say,
"Don't you care about me?
Why aren't (laughing) you asking you what's wrong with me?"
And then that goes on for two more hours.
(audience and male anchor laughing)
And then I get tired,
I fall asleep wherever we are.
(man laughing)
- Behind the wheel?
- Behind the wheel.
And then you have to, you have to go home.
You have to walk home.
- Well, I wasn't in the car
when you fell asleep (laughing) behind the wheel?
- No.
- Where was I?
(woman and audience laughing) - Fuck you! Fuck you!
- Well that sounds rough.
- Oh yeah. I'm a nightmare, baby.
- We'll go now Captain Cod.
an Old Sea Salt here.
What am I saying?
(chuckling)
We'll go now, Captain Cod,
an Old Sea Salt here,
to tell us how he plans to catch the shark
that's been terrorizing the town.
- Aye, you ye know me.
(pirate music)
You know how I earn a living.
I'll find her for ya,
but you have to pay up.
Hey!
- Oh no.
(sucking teeth)
- I don't have fingernails
because I actually know how to finger a woman.
(chuckling)
(scratching noise)
- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.
(scratching noise continues)
(man laughing)
- You land folk have soft hands,
rich boy hands, never done a day of work in your life.
I'll catch this fish and I'll kill it,
but it ain't gonna be easy.
- Captain.
Why don't you draw us a diagram
of how you'll catch this great white.
- Hey,
(scratching noise)
aint nothing great about her.
Wait.
(shredding paper)
Now, here's me plan.
What we're gonna do here is,
we're gonna, this is the shark.
Wait. No.
(drawing on board)
Yeah do.
All right.
- There you go.
- Here's the shark.
- This is just like in Jaws.
(grunting)
- So what we're gonna do
is we get,
just a fucking aircraft carrier of a ship.
- You're gonna need a bigger board.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
(everyone laughing)
(clapping)
We just nuke it.
We nuke that motherfucker,
straight to kingdom come.
This is a bomb. It's a very-
then the shark the,
we collect the smithereens.
Aye, that's the plan.
- Captain that's a little simplistic.
- Don't you tell me simple!
(scratching)
I've been out on the blue, since you was nothing but a fry,
which is the name for a baby fish.
(scratching)
Been out long enough
(scratching continues)
that I learned me some shanties.
Like this one. Oh my God. Really? Okay.
(grunts)
Fuck! Fuck!
(laughing)
- Is Erika trying to remember - Captain.
- the one shanty she knows.
- Captain.
- No, no, no
(shushing)
you're gonna sit and listen to me shanty.
(chuckling)
- Captain.
- I remember the tune of that TikTok one.
- No. - That's beginners shanty
this is-
- Yes.
♪Rolling down to Old Maui ♪
♪Me boys rolling down to Old Maui ♪
♪ What we're now we're bound from the Arctic ground ♪
♪ Rolling ♪
(all sing in unison) ♪ Down to Old Maui. ♪
♪ Rolling down to Old Ma- ♪
♪ Rolling down to old Maui ♪
(clears throat)
- You'd do very well on TikTok.
- Ahoy!
(scratching)
I don't know what TikTok is.
- Fair enough.
- I'm old enough to understand that Jaws reference too.
One day I'll die and so will everyone who knew me
and it will be like, I was never even here.
We'll turn now to Wolf Marinade,
(news music)
who here to give us some survival tips
if we ever find ourselves stranded in nature.
- The wilderness.
Everything you need to know is right there in the name,
wilder-ness.
It's wilder out there.
If you ever find yourself in a situation
where it's you versus nature, you wanna be prepared.
Food can be hard to come by,
and this is no time to be dainty about what you eat.
Meat is the best source of calories and protein,
which your body will need.
To catch small game.
You can make a trap out of some reeds.
Like these.
(Erika laughing)
I'll show you how to make a rudimentary snare
to trap small animals.
(Erika laughing)
Now you might be saying to yourself,
these are really just sticks.
How on earth would that turn into a sophisticated trap?
And I'm glad you asked.
What you're gonna wanna do is,
you're gonna wanna start by putting one of these sticks
on the ground,
right? Just like that,
pretend that this is the groun-
pretend I'm tangled.
(man laughing)
Pretend that this is ground level.
Then with one of these other sticks,
you are going to want to
tie it, just like sort of this
in order so that when the animal
enters the first one of these sticks,
you'll be able to pull it
and once you pull it.
And then with these, this third stick,
you're gonna wanna eat this one
because there's no way on earth this is working
that's food.
But in survival situations, dehydration is a killer.
There's a chance you'll find yourself
in an area with no fresh water.
That doesn't mean you're out of luck though.
There's always a water source nearby.
This one.
(laughing)
I see you read ahead Wilderness.
You've read the next line.
- Oh baby.
- Oh baby
- Grant O'Brien you little wiener.
This is human urine.
The risks posed by drinking your own urine
are very small in comparison to dehydration.
You want to be careful drinking someone else's.
In this case though,
(Erika laughing)
the urine has been sterilized.
So it's perfectly safe for me to drink on camera.
- Oh God.
- I'll have a swig of it right now
to show you
that it's not dangerous.
- It certainly couldn't be worse than a hot dog smoothie.
- What is this?
- Urine.
- Sterilized urine?
- It's sterilized urine.
- Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
(clapping)
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.
That's (guggling) not chug.
Oh my God.
- Unbelievable.
- Oh, that does not taste good.
I hope these tips,
(expressing disgust)
keep you safe outdoors.
- Thanks Wolf.
That does it for us
but before, before we go,
we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Erika.
As punishment they have to sing harmony
to the sea shanty, TikTok style.
(folk music)
♪ What do you do ♪
♪ With the drunken sailor early in the morning ♪
♪ Way hay and up she rises ♪
(banging desk)
♪ Way hay and up she rises ♪
♪ Early in the morning ♪