- Jason's always trying to get me to go
with him to the cinema, right.
To see scary movies with him.
I don't want to pay money to feel worse.
(bouncy music)
- Ugh, I hate scary movies.
Ugh! Yuck. I hate scary movies.
Anyone in here like scary movies? (crowd cheering)
Yeah? Go fuck yourselves, I hate scary movies.
They're too scary!
Have you noticed? Oh, they scare the shit out
of me every time.
They make me feel like a little bitch, every time.
Every time I see a scary movie,
little Wang's scared for days!
Ugh. I curl up, I can't sleep, I cry.
I hate scary movies, but there are people
out there who love them.
You know, there are people out there
who actively seek them out.
Who specifically enjoy the sensation of being scared
by a movie.
I don't understand that impulse at all.
I've never been frightened in real life and gone,
"Ah! Jesus, oh god, oh, no, oh please, (speaker gagging)
Oh, god help me." (speaker cries)
Yeah, I'll pay for that. Yeah, right?
No, it was horrible.
I'll feel that again for a price, sure.
Makes no sense to me at all.
But I have a friend like this, right?
Back in the UK I have a friend, Jason.
Loves scary movies, Jason.
Absolutely loves scary movies.
Can't get enough of scary movies.
Oh, absolutely adores scary movies does our Jason.
Now Jason is black, which I only mentioned
because you imagined him white and he isn't.
(audience laughing and clapping)
He is black, black guy.
I mean, his race is not particularly relevant to this joke.
I just don't see why you should have the wrong picture.
It seems unnecessary. So anyway,
Jason's always trying to get me to go
with him to the cinema, right? To see scary movies with him.
But I'm always like no! Black Jason.
I don't say that. I say no! I say no, Jason, my friend,
no, I don't want to do that man.
I don't wanna go with you to the cinema
and see a scary movie.
I don't want to pay money to feel worse.
That's all it boils down to for me man.
I don't wanna pay money and then feel worse at the end.
That's a bad exchange in Wang's books.
That's a raw deal.
I was thinking about it.
It's such a Western privilege, don't you think?
To be able to enjoy something like a scary movie.
And what a first world Western privilege?
I mean, how comfortable is your life?
That you have the time, expendable income,
and desire to pay money to feel fear.
For fun.
You know? Oh, this is what it feels like, oh.
It's pathetic. That's a purely Western privilege.
Like no one in Syria saw the Babadook, you know?
Like they don't need it. They're busy.
Their market's flooded for horror there.
I don't know.
I guess it's a kind of masochism, isn't it?
To enjoy scary movies, a sort of masochism? You know,
to derive a sort of perverse pleasure
from a pain, you know? Masochism and I understand masochism.
I have to say I do understand masochism.
'Cause I love spicy food, mm.
Yeah. Classic masochism, that.
Hurts me on my fat Chinese lips.
But, mm! Spicy Wang wants it down in 24 sev.
I guess spicy food is my scary movies, right?
If you think about it,
spicy food is actually a lot like scary movies.
You know? If it's good, you feel alive, excited.
You know? An addictive frisson.
If it's really good, you shit yourself.
- The thing about bad dreams in our house,
it's like, you better be sure
that that dream is so scary that you will die from the fear.
Because waking my mom up will put you into cardiac arrest.
Like, she's like, you know how assassins
if you wake them up, their deep training kicks in?
Like even if you're their dear wife
or their beloved mother and you wake them up
they're just like (speaker yelling) like rip your dick off.
And your head is ruined or whatever.
Like it's just, my mom has deep training for disaster.
And so it was just like, ooh, I don't want to startle her.
You know? I don't want to like spook her,
but I remember being like "Okay,
the dream that I just had was so scary.
I'm having like pain in my body from fear.
It's like the pain that an old woman would have right
before death, but I'm young so this is bad."
And I'm just like, "Okay, I just got to wake them up."
I would like get into the hall
which is the scariest place in the United States of America.
And get into the hall and be like,
(speaker crying)
get halfway. I'm like totally comfortable
with this stream of piss flowing down my leg.
I'm like, maybe I should turn back and turn around,
and it's just a sea of like Edith Wharton, Emily Dickinson
people that are like,
come dance with us little girl.
Come waltz in eternity. Do you like books?
And I'm like, I don't want to talk about books
I like books don't take me! (speaker crying)
Going into my parents room, which is flowing with mists.
And it was like (speaker crying) enter in,
their bed literally is like a canopy bed that looks
like a coffin with a bride's veil on it.
It's like the most intense bed you could ask for.
My mom is there sleeping like an ancient mummy.
She's like (speaker gasps)
she's wearing a floor length heavy duty flannel nightgown,
the turtleneck with a padlock on it.
My dad is like 100% nude on top of the covers
wearing only a C-PAP machine.
- I tried to support this black dude, one of my partners.
He got a haunted house you know,
he's a street dude.
Nigga done just got out of prison, he got a haunted house.
Like, bring your kids to the haunted house.
Oh, what is this nigga doing with a haunted house?
In Detroit too. Ain't that a bitch?
And then in the back of the haunted house
is a halfway house. Everybody's just, yeah.
Everybody that just got out of prison is
working as monsters in the haunted house.
Well, when I walked my kids in there,
they was like something ain't right.
And I ain't never seen monsters as cool
as these niggas. Prison niggas in there, monsters.
So the first monster come out, like (speaker yelling).
I'm like, what kind of monster nigga is this?
He noticed it was me.
He was like, Michael! Nigga you know I just came home.
I just did 15, right?
Got a nigga with this monster shit on. It's aight though.
You know, nigga got to do what a nigga got to do, Mike!
Let me finish scaring y'all, man. (speaker yelling)
I said move, man. The kids ain't scared no more.
You done showed them your face
and told them how much time you did, it's over.
We walk in the other room, it's a dude rolling weed.
This nigga talking 'bout (speaker yelling).
I said nigga, it's over.
They just seen you rolling weed, ain't nobody scared.