Does your boyfriend always seem too busy? Do you feel like an afterthought, like you
have to bug him to get him to spend any time with you? I know how you feel.
In this video I’ll guide you through a simple Quality Time Diagnostic that will determine
if your relationship is in trouble. Then I’ll give you My four-quadrant method to maximizing
One-On-One time with any man.
I’m Amy North, a relationship coach from the West Coast of Canada. I’m here to tell
you how to deal with a problem that I’ve been hearing about more and more lately. It
starts with a message I got from one of my fans.
Dear Amy. Thank you so much for your help over the years. Thanks to your videos I was
able to land a great guy. Or so I thought.
We’ve been together for six months now and basically things are getting serious. We just
moved in together and at first I was so ecstatic. But since it happened, he hasn’t been spending
any time with me. It seems like he always has something better to do and he says that
he wants to but it doesn’t feel like he really does. What should I do?
Signed, Kailey
It’s not the first time I’ve got it and I know it won’t be the last. So I was inspired
to make a video for anyone who’s ever felt like Kailey does right now.
Here are a few things you need to ask yourself if you aren’t happy with the amount of time
your guy spends with you. This diagnostic is based on case studies from hundreds of
real relationships that I’ve dealt with in my time as a relationship coach. These
are now the first questions I ask any time a client is looking for more quality time
in their relationship. Feel free to pause the video if needed and really take your time
answering these questions as they’re a vital tool in the process.
What are my expectations?
How much time would you like to spend together? How often would you like to talk? What are
some non-negotiable events or plans that he needs to be there for?
I’m not saying your expectations are too high but I do know that it’s important to
figure out what you want before you can try to get it. With that in mind, imagine your
perfect week. How much time would you two spend together? Do you think this is reasonable
to ask for?
I think one of the most overlooked parts of relationships is the different expectations
we each have and never voice.
And more broadly speaking, ask yourself “what do I want from this relationship?” I’ve
noticed that a lot of people want their relationship to solve all their problems and to be the
main source of happiness in their life. This can put too much pressure on your guy and
yourself to be this perfect couple. Closeness will come with time but you also need to make
sure you continue to build other relationships and find different sources of happiness. This
is the best path forward for yourself and your relationship.
2. Is he busy or just not making an effort?
If he’s always flaking on plans, never asking you out first, or disappearing for long periods
of time then this might be a clear indicator that he’s not making an effort. This could
mean that he’s pulling back from the relationship, that he doesn’t want to spend as much time
together as you do, or that he’s just not very considerate.
If he has a pretty demanding job and plenty of responsibilities and obligations on top
of that, then maybe he really is just busy.
I’m going to say something controversial here. Does it make a difference whether he’s
busy or is not making an effort? Bottom line: if he isn’t there, he isn’t there.
I know a lot of girls whose boyfriends or husbands are always busy and can barely make
time for them. They all have this time on the horizon that they can finally be together
as much as they’d like. Maybe he’s going to be finished this big project at work, the
busy season will be over, or he’ll just start finally making time for her.
But more often than not, this time never comes. Busy people tend to only get busier. If this
is your guy then you need to be realistic about how much you can expect to be together
and whether or not you can be happy with that?
There are plenty of women who want a guy who is driven and ambitious. These guys can often
struggle with priorities and work-life balance. It’s nice when your guy has a reason to
leave the house in the morning and a job that he’s passionate about but sometimes it’s
not worth the trade off.
3. Have we talked about it?
This is true of every problem in a relationship: talking about it and being honest is almost
always the answer. Often these problems are something that he isn’t even aware of.
Not everything needs to be a crisis but if it’s something that’s coming up again
and again and you know it’s not going to fix itself on its own, then that’s really
your only option.
Instead of letting it build up and then exploding, get to it as soon as possible.
This way you’ll be more able to keep your cool and communicate what the problem is.
This is a much better option than nagging or ignoring your feelings.
Don’t phrase it as a problem. Tell him “I’d like for us to spend more time together.”
Ask him if he’d like the same thing and if he does then try to figure out some ways
to make that happen.
4. Is there an end in sight?
Think of it like a long distance relationship. Is the thing keeping you two apart just temporary?
As I said, many people think that things will be different eventually but have no real reason
to. They just don’t want to face the truth. But there are some situations when people
are kept apart for good reason.
Maybe it’s tax season and he’s an accountant. Maybe he’s going through something personally.
Is there something that is separating you that will not last for much longer? If you’re
not sure, ask him.
5. Is he taking me for granted?
This is a big one. If he’s not spending enough time with you or blowing off plans
then it could be that he’s taking you for granted. You need him to know that you’re
not going to stick around if he mistreats you and that you deserve better.
Questions are good but what are some actions you can take to make him spend more time with
you?
I’m going to share with you the four-quadrant method for maximizing your one-on-one time
with any guy. Feel free to write this down and follow it exactly for the best results.
1.Less is the path to more
The first quadrant isn’t about taking action, it’s about slowing down. You need to reach
out to him less than you have been.
This seems counterintuitive--if you want to spend more time together, why would you spend
less time together? But it really works. We can get into a cycle where one half of the
couple is the one making the plans. This can create a pretty stagnant relationship.
If you stop making all the plans then suddenly the ball will be in his court. This will force
him to wake up and think of ideas for dates and hangouts. This can jumpstart the relationship
and end up with you two spending even more time together.
Plus, it’s a great way to get him to stop taking you for granted.
Looking for the ultimate way to stop guys from pulling away, taking you for granted,
or dragging their feet in a relationship? I’ve created a foolproof method to get him
to appreciate you, and commit to you forever by filling his heart with overwhelming feelings
for you that he can’t ignore. Go to coachnorth.com to learn more by watching my free video presentation.
I promise you, he won’t be able to think about life without you if you follow my advice
exactly. I’ve put the link in the description of this video
2.Flowers in bloom are the ones we pick. Be exciting
This is especially true early on in a relationship. If you want him to want to spend more time
with you, be someone who you’d want to spend more time with. This means being more spontaneous,
changing the game plan. Do new, exciting things together. Get out of your comfort zone.
You can even do things like this without him. The more of an exciting life you lead the
more you’ll have to talk about when you see him and the more he’ll want to be a
part of your adventures.
3.Choose yourself and he will too
The third quadrant is about investing in yourself.
Instead of focusing so much on what he’s doing, how you can get him to spend more time
with you and how to fix this, put the focus on you. You have this free time that you’d
like to be spending with him but it’s not happening. What are some things you want to
do that you haven’t been doing? Is now the time to finally start that hobby you’ve
always been interested in? Relationships go up and down so chances are this will work
itself out. For now, make the best of it by investing in yourself on a daily basis.
4. Communication brings you together
The fourth quadrant is where you need to get on the same page.
Tell him your expectations and if he can’t meet them, don’t stick around. It’s tough
but you don’t want to be with a guy who can’t give you what you need, no matter
how much you love him. And don’t worry, if your firm and open with your expectations,
he'll fall in line. Let’s face it, men can be dense sometimes and they’re pretty bad
at picking up on queues. If you tell him exactly what you want, you’ll have the best shot
at getting it. And that’s the truth.
Still watching? Here’s a bonus tip just for you for sticking around.
Don’t let it reflect on your self-worth. If he can’t give you enough time to fulfill
your needs, it doesn’t matter if he’s busy saving the world, you have the right
to be upset. This doesn’t make you a bad person.
If you’re someone who values your independence and alone time and you’re okay with some
inconsistency and not always being able to reach your boyfriend or husband, that’s
great too. It doesn’t mean you’re a doormat or a pushover.
If you can put aside these feelings and recognize your own value then you’ll be alright no
matter what he does.
If you feel like your relationship is already doomed, don’t worry. I have the solution.
Go to coachnorth.com right now for my free video presentation. I’ll with you the secret
to not only attract any guy you want but to make him commit to you for good. If you follow
my simple process, don’t be surprised if he’s texting, calling, and showing up at
your place all the time, simply because he can’t get enough of you. He won’t be able
to imagine life without you in it. That’s coachnorth.com
Thanks for watching! What do you do when your boyfriend takes you for granted? I always
love hearing your thoughts on my topics. And while you’re here, please like and subscribe
so you don’t miss my next new video. I’ve got plenty more coming. Bye!