-What happens when 800 of the world's most elite footballers and their managers
live together under one roof?
Players stop being polite and start getting Real.
This is The Champions.
-So, maybe this year’s Ballon d’Or is judged on the past two years combined,
and we make it twice as big! Cool?
-Everyone says that we keep winning because we have the money to buy any player we want,
but we also buy players that we don't want...because we can.
-Oh, don't mind me. I'm just cleaning out my desk. Ha ha ha.
-To all the potential buyers out there this summer, I just want to say:
I'm still only 28 and in the prime of my career.
-You really think so?
-Oh, I'm definitely only 28.
-Tickets! Tickets! Hey, you guys need some tickets?
Unregistered, no agent fees.
-So, tonight I'm hosting the Comedy Roast of Ronaldo!
We told him it's to celebrate breaking Pele's goal-scoring record,
but really it's just to rip on him for being RonaldOUT of the Champions League…
You get it?
-I'm very happy to be the center of attention.
It's no Champions League final, but uhh, they are giving me a trophy.
-Guten Abend, everybody! You know me as the space interpreter.
But tonight I'm the joke interpreter!
-So, what's the deal with Bayern?
It's like they're Buy-ern' up all the good players!
-Just start the show, man!
-OK, let's welcome our first roaster.
The original next Ronaldo... Nani!
[cheers]
-Hey, everybody. So, I've known Penaldo here for a long time...
-Penaldo. Because you take a lot of penalties.
-Yeah, I get it.
-We actually used to live together, and ya know, sharing a space can be difficult.
Sometimes he'd steal my hair gel.
Sometimes I'd steal his goal against Spain.
[laughs]
-Hahaha, yeah. That was actually very hurtful.
-Oh, but don't worry, he handled it with maturity and grace.
Speaking of maturity, can you believe Ronaldo is 36 years old?
I mean, look at him. He’s got the body of a 25-year-old and the botox of a 60-year-old!
[laughs]
-I mean, yeah, it’s self-care. Sorry for loving my body.
-Ronaldo, I'm actually surprised you haven't done a botox ad.
I mean, jeez, this guy will put his name on anything. Get a load of this!
[grunts] [laughs]
-Ew! What is that??
-Or this!
[grunts] [laughs]
I mean, come on! You probably spent 20 grand on your teeth,
you're gonna break 'em on that?
-OK, you know what!? I don't need to take this s--t from you. I’m out of here!
And, by the way, that is a great f--king product!
[angry mumbling under breath]
[pants unzipping] [peeing]
What a bunch of stupid losers. Nani wants to take shots at me?
That's OK, his shots are never on target.
I hope he's enjoying retirement in Florida.
Speaking of Florida, he should hang out with my old teammate Gonzalo Higuain.
They're both very good
at being irrelevant.
And what's with Muller, are these even jokes?
Save it for the horses, pal!
I am the most popular person on Instagram.
You hear that, Davies?
With your stupid little TikToks?
Good luck in the World Cup with Canada, eh?
And now Zlatan's making a movie? Who does he think he is, me?
Win a Champions League first.
Or a Ballon d'Or. Or a European Championship.
I could go on and on and on, but I don’t want to sound like
Eden Hazard talking about hamburgers.
I mean, Real Madrid is just a mess. These guys will never win another Champions League
with Toni Kroos Control.
And I thought Karim Benzema was a slowpoke.
And what's the deal with Sergio Ramos' beard?
Was he marooned on a desert island
or just stranded in a center back partnership with Raphael Varane?
Ugh! I'm so sick of all these "Next Ronaldos." Joao Felix?
He'd be lucky to be the next Nani. [door opens]
-Psst! Ronaldo!
-What, what do you want?
-Your mic! -Huh?
-Your mic is on. Everyone can hear you.
[peeing stops] [pants zipping]
-Heyyyyy, everybody, gotcha!
Haha, jokes, right? We're all just making fun of each other, having a great time, everybody gets roasted.
OK, I'm just gonna sit back down and enjoy the rest of the show.
OK, next roaster, go! Woohoo yeah!
-Um. I always thought I wanted to be the next Ronaldo,
but it's tough because I respect other people’s feelings.
[cries]
-Look what you did to Joao.
Who would try to hurt someone like that with their mouth?
-OK, OK, sorry you can't take a joke. Uh, here, I'll make it up to you.
What if I promise that one day I will retire from the Portugal national team?
-When?
-I don’t know, like, 20 years. Don’t rush me. [cries harder]
-This guy is a jerk, eh?!
[boos]
-OK, you know what? At least I came up here and left my comfort zone.
We can't all just stay in one place our whole life like Messi at Barcelona.
[gasps] -No, he di’int!
-You think you're so great? You're not even the best Ronaldo.
-Ohhh, f--k! He went there!
-Well if you wanna talk about players from South America, let's talk about a certain Argentine “GOAT” who couldn't win s--t with his national team.
-Did you say something? I can't hear you behind all my Ballons d'Or.
-I said if you like counting, you should take a look at all my Champions League medals!
[crowd oohs]
OK, now I'm having fun.
Yo’ team is so strapped for talent, you actually have to play Martin Braithwaite!
-Yo’ team is so insecure you simped for the Super League, just in case you didn’t qualify for the Champions League.
-Well, yo’ team is so corrupt, you make Manchester City look honest!
-Are you kidding me? Yo’ team is so corrupt your former general manager is banned for life!
-Did somebody say Calciopoli?!
[laughs]
-Looks like tonight’s dinner will be two roasted goats!
Because GOAT is an acronym for-
-You ruined it!
-I've got a joke: why did the subscriber click the subscribe button?
To subscribe! Duh. OK, what else?
Knock knock.
-Let's cut.