hey guys welcome back my name is Stephanie and I am a life coach and a
mentor and I help people who have recently gone through a divorce or
ending a relationship heal from that past relationship and I help them regain
their self-confidence and their self-esteem so they can rebuild their
new future now if you're new to my channel welcome I am so glad that you're
here don't forget to hit the subscribe button below and don't forget to give
this video a thumbs up if you like it now this week we're talking about
something that is kind of important because I know when people in
relationships they tend to reflect back and so we're going to talk about three
reasons why relationships fail now a lot of times when we see couples who have
been together for 25 40 50 years we always ask them you know what's the
secret like what's the secret to making a relationship work and I don't think
that you really need to ask someone who's been in a marriage or relationship
for a long period of time what's the secret
because most often if you have been in a long-term relationship or a marriage and
it's failed hopefully you've learned a few things along the way so I want to
give you three things to kind of think about when you're looking back
reflecting on your relationship in terms of why it didn't work so the first
reason why relationships sometimes don't work is this thing called perfection you
know I think that in this day and age we work so hard at our careers you know at
our jobs and we don't always nurture our relationships and it's not just our
romantic relationships it's our friendships
it's our family relationships even the relationships we have with our children
we don't often make them a priority you know we work from people 50 60 hours a
week and we we forget that it takes time and you have to nurture your own
relationship you know the saying is true that in order for your grass to grow you
have to water it so if you want a successful relationship you know it
takes time it takes effort it takes making your partner priority and I think
one of the things that people often don't think about when
they're going into a relationship or going into our marriage is your marriage
is not going to be perfect life happens there's transitions there's challenges
there's things that you're just going to go through in a relationship you know
having children buying a house renovating someone passes away handling
each other's families there's so many different things that when you're dating
someone in those first three excuse me a few years when everything is amazing you
don't think about you don't think about all the challenges that life is going to
throw at you and a marriage a relationship is a partnership you know
you've made a commitment with this person regardless if you are married or
not even if you're in a long-term relationship you made a commitment to
this person to be in a relationship and when the good comes we often just ride
that wave and when the bad comes we often don't know how to handle it and a
lot of this perfectionism in relationships has to do with not wanting
to sit when challenges happen and work them out and communicate with each other
you know we often just say well that person's not right for us and we just
discard the person or the relationship or the marriage and we just give up -
since the other thing is most people struggle with this idea that you know
they want to find a partner that shares the same values very important you know
we would like to find a partner that enjoys the same types of interests as us
you know that's important as well - but we often forget that no matter how
closely related you are to this person no matter how many interests you have
that was the same no matter how aligned your values are going to be this person
is not you so they're going to have different thoughts and opinions at time
they're going to think differently they're a different person than you and
I think we often struggle so much with wanting to control our partner and
control what they think and how they think and what they think and how they
feel instead of just accepting them and what they think for who they are okay
they have the spot they have this opinion and that's okay that it's
different than ours we don't have to be in a
Ament all the time on everything the saying you know let's agree to disagree
is a huge thing and I know it's something that I myself use in
relationships because at a certain point I don't need the other person to agree
with me I know how I feel I know what I think
and if you don't agree with me that's okay and that's a healthy person you
know when we start to try to control each other that's not real love you know
that's conditional love that's saying that you need to you need to think a
certain way or be a certain way or do a certain thing in order for me to love
you and that's not what healthy relationships should be about the second
reason why relationships sometimes fail is a lack of self-love a lack of
self-love either in both partners or maybe in one partner and the reason why
I bring up self-love is because it's important in the beginning of a
relationship when you're dating and it's important to throughout your
relationship in general you know so many times we say you know oh my wife makes
me so happy and all my husband makes me so happy
and while that's amazing and they should that person is not responsible for your
happiness and I see so many people hand over their happiness to someone else
whether it's their children whether it's a family member whether it's their
spouse and the reality is no one can make you happy but you no one can make
you feel as loved as you should be loving yourself and you know if you
don't love yourself if you don't really love yourself unconditionally flaws and
all if you don't have a healthy um you know
if you don't have healthy self-talk if you don't really respect yourself if you
don't do all of those things for yourself no one is ever going to do them
for you so if you don't respect yourself you're always going to attract people
that don't respect you if you don't really know how to unconditionally love
yourself and you're looking for unconditional love in another you're
never going to get it because you can't get what you aren't
so the third reason why relationships sometimes fail is expectations you know
we sometimes go into relationships with an expectation of who we think this
person should be or how we think the relationship should work and we don't
communicate that with each other you know we have an expectation on who this
person should be in the relationship and when they're not that person we try to
like mold them and frame them into like what we think they should be in the
relationship and how they should you know look like and everything like that
and when it doesn't happen we get upset and we have let downs and we feel a
little bit of resentment towards that person when that person is just being
that person and we didn't actually see them in the beginning for who they were
we tried to just conform them into who we wanted them to be and I see this
happen so often is we don't stay true to what we really want in a partner the
quality that we want in a partner because we're not loving ourselves
enough to know that we really deserve it or that it's out there then we kind of
just take whatever comes along and oranges and relationships are long-term
the commitments that we're in and like I said life happens and I think that when
you first enter into a relationship where you first enter into a marriage
you have this idea of how marriage is going to be and it's going to be amazing
we're going to always communicate and we're going to always be on the same
page and that just doesn't always happen even the best relationships that just
doesn't happen and it's so important to you know come together throughout your
marriage and you know talk about okay well what's your expectation of this
marriage you know we're about to have a baby how do you see our relationship
working and this dynamic working you know and really communicating that with
each other and coming to a common ground and compromising on what that common
ground should look like for you you know I had a great relationship coach once
once say to me and it's so important and it's so necessary and it's so healthy to
do in your relationship or in your marriage is she would go to a coach
throughout her relationship not that there was necessarily anything
going bad or going wrong but before any major transition number one she always
would go to a coach and she would get coached for a few months with her and
her husband because they wanted to make sure they were on the same page so
before they got married you know a lot of people do like pre-cana and stuff
like that but I don't think that in my opinion I don't think that really
prepares you for marriage and what she did is she went to a relationship coach
before she got married and she sat with her husband and they just discussed okay
what are your expectations for this marriage you know aside from are we
going to have joint credit cards are we going to merge our bank accounts
together who's going to pay the bills like all of that kind of stuff but all
of that was important and it's something that they talked about you know right
down the line is what is the expectation for this relationship so if you're about
to get married and sitting down with your husband after
work and having dinner together is important to you is it important to him
you know these are the things that you need to discuss and then she would go
back when something new happened in their lives so when they were about to
have a baby they went back again and they did a couple more months just to
like make sure that they're reconnecting making sure that their reestablishing
their agreement and I think it's so healthy to do and I think it's really
necessary for any couple to do is reestablish your agreement because at
every transition in life whether it's even the major things you know getting
married and having a baby and buying a house and you know selling a house and
moving somewhere else and my husband's leaving his job and he wants to you know
become an artist or whatever it is all of these changes causes your agreement
to be to you know be renegotiated and what are the terms going to be and how
are we going to make sure that we stay connected as a couple this is so
important it's like buying a car and never giving it an oil change you have
to invest in your relationship and I think that if you can make a commitment
that not to wait well something's broken and trying to
fix it to throw out your relationship throughout your marriage making it a
priority to just sit down you know and say what's going on how do you feel
about about the relationship and really being honest and vulnerable with your
partner as to how you think it's going and what are the things that you feel
are lacking in the relationship it's it's about communication and so often
couples say well you know we communicate we communicate very well but are you
communicating on the things that need to be discussed a lot of couples that are
very happy and healthy in their relationship never really think about
these things it's just assumed that everything is going to work out and I
think that it's so important to make this a priority and I think this idea of
kind of reestablishing your agreement with your partner is a wonderful thing
for any relationship to ensure that it stays successful and that you're making
sure that you're giving your car that oil change with that tune of that it
needs now remember guys if you like this video don't forget to give it a thumbs
up don't forget to share with anyone that you think might benefit from this
information and don't forget to leave any comments or messages or questions
that you have down below and I'll be sure to get back to you as soon as I can
until next time