-You had some time off. You just came back.
Congratulations. I love having you guys back.
-Thank you very much. -But you had a little time off.
-We had a little bit of time off.
We work -- we work through the break.
But we had a couple of weeks off,
and I took my -- I took my son.
I have a 2-year-old, an American.
I have an American. I have --
-You do. -I have an American...
-You have an American, yeah.
-...which is the creepiest to describe having a child.
That's a very British imperial way to describe a child.
"I have an American with me.
I have brought him back. I shall go gather another."
Yeah, I took him to London for the first time
so he could see -- -Oh, that's fantastic.
-So he could see it, yeah. -Did he love --
-Well, he's 2, so, you know... -Yeah.
-Didn't really know what was happening.
-Not really. He saw red buses.
-Yeah. -And that's all he has
remembered from what was a very stressful trip.
-Was it a stressful --
-Well, yeah, 'cause he was just --
he got sick on the plane,
and then he stayed sick while we were there
so he was just vomiting everywhere.
He trashed the hotel room like Keith Richards.
-Oh, my God. -He started vomiting.
At one point, I picked him up,
and he's just vomiting everywhere.
It's the middle of the night. Like, spraying vomit everywhere.
And I had to call down and say, "My son has thrown up."
And they said, "Where?" And I said, "Everywhere.
You have to burn everything."
-He trashed his first hotel room.
-He trashed it. He trashed it.
Yeah, it was like the Sex Pistols.
-Yeah, but this is -- you have to show him
this is where Daddy is from.
And you're from London, right? -That's right.
This is where Daddy's from and this is why he's 60% sad.
[ Laughter ]
Look what Daddy escaped.
-60 is the perfect amount. -60%. 60%.
-It's the perfect amount.
-It's a dominant amount of sadness,
but you can kind of keep it at bay.
-Yeah, but do you remember your first paid comedy gig in London?
-Yeah, because the moment that you get paid for comedy
is kind of an overwhelming moment, right, the first time.
'Cause it's your dream to do it anyway,
and then when someone gives you money for it,
there seems like some crime has happened.
So, I remember I got paid ££25,
and I was just looking at it -- looking at that money thinking
"I can't believe I got paid for this."
And I will say the audience that night
were probably mystified, as well.
-They're like, "Wait. He got paid for this?"
-"Money changed hands for the service he provided?"
That seems not economically...
-What job did you have before you were in comedy?
-Oh, not many. I did comedy pretty quick.
The most fun job I ever had was I did --
I filled in for maternity leave,
answering the phones for a guy who sold kitchen equipment.
What quickly became clear was stolen kitchen equipment.
In London. Yeah, it was amazing.
I would answer the phones all day,
and people would call up saying,
"Tell Jim to call me back by 3:00, or I'll [bleep] kill him!
[ Laughter ]
What are you going to tell him?"
And I said, "Uh, he needs to call you by 3:00."
"Or?!" "Or you'll kill him."
"Or I'll [bleep] kill him!"
-There was -- -Every day?
-Every single day. And he would say,
"I'm never here, John. Understand I'm never here.
When that phone rings, I'm never here.
Even if I'm here, I'm never here. All right?"
And there was one guy that called up.
'Cause there was literally, like, still cement
coming off the back of some of the kitchen equipment.
'Cause it had just been stolen.
And this guy called up one day and went,
"I know he's there!
I know he's there! Where's my oven?!"
And I put him on hold, and the guy, Jim --
I probably should have changed his name, but anyway...
His actual name was Jim.
He said, "Just tell him that we have an oven
that would fit his kitchen perfectly
that just came in last night."
And that did not calm him down.
The craziest thing he sent me to do,
was he gave me ££15,000 in cash, which is still
the most amount of money I've ever held in my hands,
and a knife.
And he said, "Go and take this across London."
And I said, "What's the knife for?"
And he said, "If someone tries to take the money,
then you can fight back."
And I said... [ Laughter ]
"If someone tries to take it,
I'm giving them the money and the knife.
You're down 15 grand and a blade."
-Oh, my God. That's a crazy job.
-It was fun. But it was fun. It was fun.
Like, the jobs that suck your soul
are the ones where there's no personalities there,
and he had arguably too much personality.
-Yeah. Did he know that you were a comedian?
-He kept saying -- He knew that I was
going to do comedy at night, and it mystified him.
Said, "What -- You're not funny here, though, John.
You've never made me laugh here.
You need to be funnier around here
before you can go and be funny somewhere else."
-But, I mean, were you out -- Were you auditioning, as well?
Did you ever think -- Did you ever audition
to be an actor, like, audition for shows?
-I'm not really much of an actor.
I auditioned for one commercial back in London,
and it was for a deodorant.
Uh, I can't remember which deodorant it was.
I would say otherwise. -Jim. Jim.
-Yeah, it was Jim's Deodorant. -G-Y-M, yeah.
-And it was, like, a funny part,
so I did the funny part in the audition,
and then I'm sitting, and there's the people sitting in front of me,
and they said, "Okay, can you take your shirt off now, please?"
[ Laughter ]
And I said, "What?"
And they said, "Well, you know, at the end of the commercial,
we want to do that."
So I -- I wasn't ready to take my shirt off.
So I took it off,
and the atmosphere in the room changed.
[ Laughter ]
And I heard one woman turn to the guy next to her and say,
"Well, we don't definitely need that shot, do we?"
Which was a very kind way to say something very hurtful,
and then I had to put my shirt back on.
And there's nothing less dignified
than putting on a button-up shirt in front of...
There is a reason that strippers
don't re-dress themselves onstage.
'Cause it's sad. It's really sad, Jimmy.
-Oh, my gosh. -It's sad.
[ Laughter ]
-More with John Oliver when we come back, everybody.
John Oliver!