*"Billy Joel - We Didn't Start the Fire" playing*
We open on Bronn and Jaime breaking a world record for holding their breath
Bronn is like: "Being stuck in the ocean of your mind was dark and depressing
"I don't ever want to go back, okay?"
"Yeah nah, fair enough"
Dany tells the non-roasted soldiers to join her
or Drogon will turn them into a burger
He yells out: "Who wants to be a burger?!"
And most blokes are like: "No way, not me"
"Barbecue"
It's just Randyll and Dickon that get turned into a combo deal
Jaime tells Cersei that Tyrion didn't kill Joffrey
She crashes, reboots, crashes again
"Cersei, are you okay?"
Nah, she's frozen, she's stuck
Someone take her to the fucking Genius bar ASAP
Jon-o is looking for his boat
Drogon is looking for someone to play with
Jon's wondering if he has to feed him a biscuit for being a good boy
The dragon training rules are all fucking unclear
The Dothraki tell Dany there's a creepy bloke in the front yard
Oh it's Jorah the Explorer!
Look at that
Almost dying gets you in the good books
Jorah is like: "No big deal, that's how I roll"
"That's how I get chicksss"
Bran-o is testing his upgrade at spy equipment
The Night King has Norton antivirus installed though
And he immediately detects Bran's malware
Sam is like: "You old wankers need to stop talking and tell everyone that the army of the Dead is real"
They decide to talk about this
Sambo does a bloody walk-out
Sideburns Guy says: "Does he know his father and brother got turned into a burger?"
Tyrion and Varys decide to get pissed, and question if working for Targaryen Industries was a good idea
Jon gets an email telling him Arya and Bran-o are home
P.S.: Bran can turn into a raven and he said the Army of the Dead is getting closer
Tyrion reckons: "Everyone would be able to work together if Cersei saw one of the white walkers"
Varys is like: "You're fucking drunk"
Davos and Tyrion are gonna head to King's Landing
so Tyrion can tell Jaime to tell Cersei
about this idea
Jorah says: "I reckon I can kidnap a white walker, no worries"
Jon-o is like: "Yep, we are starting the Fellowship of the Walkers"
"Fucking fine, quest endorsed"
Arya and Sansa manage to be friends for 12% of an episode
But it looks like that's getting getting flushed down the dunny
Bronn pranks Jaime by leading him to see Tyrion in the basement
Jaime is cranky as fuck
as Tyrion says: "If I stop Dany from going psycho for a bit"
"Can you stop Cersei?"
Well, if it isn't the one and only!
Fucking Gendry!
Davos asks him if he wants to join him in the Fellowship of the Walkers
Gendry says: "Mate, I thought you'd never ask"
He immediately comes in handy and shows everyone his big fuck-off hammer
"Sure, sure, I'd be more than happy to sort something out with the dragon queen"
"Oh, and I'm preggers, by the way"
Ah, fuck, Jaime is stuck, he's crashed
Jon welcomes Gendry to the Fellowship of the Walkers
Jorah packs the Esky
There's a bit of banter
Dany says: "I never liked you anyway, so, nah, just leave"
"Well, thanks for the dragon glass, and fuck you too"
"Okay, see you soon"
"See ya later"
And off he goes
Sambo has a total meltdown, robs the library, and chucks a burn out in the carpack as he fucks off
Arya thinks she can start a spy agency as well
Littlefinger is like: "Yeah nah"
Finally, the Fellowship of the Walkers has reached its membership quota
And is ready to hunt
Hands off cocks, on with socks
You got Jon-o, Jorah, Tormund, Beric, Gendry, Thoros, and the Hound
Crikey!
The only person missing is fucking Liam Neeson
[Music playing]
Holy mackerel, that was a fast-paced episode
Only doing 7 episodes this year hasn't worried me
But gee whiz
The amount of time jumps, re-plotting, and geographical character shifts in this one
was next-level shit
I'm okay with it, we all wanna see how this mint story concludes
It's just the first time I found the shortest season to be a little bit jarring
It was a cool episode, it was fucking cool
with a lot of cool developments
Having Gendry back in the game is sensational
His war hammer definitely gives me a raging stiffy
Gilly casually reading out that Jon-o is not a bastard was bloody great
And how can you not enjoy this new group
I think I hate the mission, on a critical pragmatic level to kidnap a walker
And I'm wondering if there's anything deeper going on
Where Tyrion is pitching any idea he can to stop Dany from killing his family
I don't know
It's a bit off
I suppose if the King's Landing population sees the threat too
They put pressure on Cersei
It's worth a shot
I dunno, I dunno
Anyway, the new group going on a quest is hands-down fair dinkum fucking cool
One of my favourite scenes was the cat-and-mouse game between Arya and Littlefinger actually
He's purposely setting her up to find this formerly trashed email
That Sansa sent Robb yonks ago
Telling him to bent the knee to Joffrey
Maester Luwin had this to say about the letter at the time
"Sansa wrote this?"
"It is your sister's hand, but the Queen's words"
Yeah, Arya does not know that backstory
Littlefinger is trying to set up a fucking sister fight
I liked the opening scene a lot
I still can't bring myself to be 100% dedicated to Dany's cause
I'm sorry
Her heart is in the right place
BUT
One major temper tantrum with those weapons of mass destruction
at her disposal is concerning
I'm a concerned citizen
Big weapons frighten me a little bit
Tormund's dialogue and comedic timing was a thing of beauty
And what do you reckon?
Is Cersei pregnant, or is it a manipulation tactic?
The bloody episode is called "Eastwatch", in reference to the white walkers meandering towards..
.. Eastwatch
As this threat looms larger and gets closer to Eastwatch
Everyone wants to know who they can trust
Can Dany trust Tyrion and Varys to stick with her?
Can they trust her not to get righteous as a leader?
Can Jaime and Cersei trust each other?
Can the Fellowship of the Walkers trust each other?
Does Arya have any trust in Sansa?
Sambo says: "Fuck it, I only trust myself to get information out there"
"Not these crusty old dickheads"
Gendry has a lot of trust in Davos
He'll go wherever-
He'll even murder straight away
And Dany has fully regained her trust for Jorah, by the looks
Tying this all together, is whether or not the realm can trust Cersei
She needs to sincerely help deal with the army of the Dead
Yes, I, overall, solid stuff
The pacing caught me off guard
And after Jaime miraculously escaped the loot train attack
I did find this plan to kidnap a white walker clunky
BUT
I do wonder if that's the purpose
Tyrion may be harvesting a deep conflict of interests
If this plan goes to shit, plus delays Dany in her momentum
She's gonna be pretty pretty pretty mad
I also enjoyed how Gendry took a dig at Jon-o's stature
And Jon acted offended
Like when Ned took a dig at King Rob-o
And he acted offended
*Ned and Rob laughing*
It's a bloody classic Stark-Baratheon gag
Never gets old
Never bloody gets old
Oi, I also want to let Marco from Rode Microphones know that he's a bloody legend
I met him at VidCon
He sent me four different microphones just now
He didn't have to do that, but he did
You know, in a world where no one follows up
He followed up
So let him know he's a bloody legend
In the comments below
Cheers!
[Outro Music]