Hey guys, welcome back to my channel thanks for joining me again before we get started in this week's video
I wanted to give you some information on
Coaching because I get a ton of questions regarding it if you are interested in private coaching
It is something that I do I will link everything down below so you can click and read all about the three different
Options that I do have but I have an option for private coaching
It is a six week minimum in order to work with me
And the reason for that and the reason why I don't do individual sessions is because we're basically trying to heal
Reprogram and create new habits create new ways of thinking create. How do you speak?
You know how you speak to yourself all of that reprogramming stuff and that just takes time
That's not something you're gonna be able to do in an hour session
so the basics of my private coaching is to teach you these life skills that I always like to say in order for you to
Kind of run with it and you know after the six weeks is over
You know these skills and you begin implementing them in your life
I also have a nine week program that just rolled out on the beginning of the year. Actually. I thank you
I rolled it out in December, but you guys are loving it. And I'm so happy. I'm gonna link it down below as well
So it is a nine week online course via my client portal
So each week you get a ton of reading information and I'm talking a ton so who can read and get ready to read?
Highlight, you know purchase these take notes, read it over and over again
You have access to my private Facebook group where I do lives on there
It's very interactive and it's just a great environment to be in right because you know, everyone's kind of going through the same stuff
So I love that group with the 9 week program
This is really all about emotional healing really this is where we're learning
What our wounds are we're learning how to parent ourselves and learning like the layers of how do you really?
Become mentally and emotionally healthy. I mean it's a tall drink of water, but it absolutely can happen
So it's basically what I teach in my private coaching, but it's condensed in 9 weeks
so that is something if you're interested in that I also have an option for a group coaching and group coaching is not something that
I do every single month. I did it last month
I am currently running a few groups right now, and I will do a few groups in February
So the start date for that is gonna be or 1/3. The enrollment for those groups is gonna be January 31st
The groups are very small. They're 3 to 4 people
I try to condense people based on what people are going through location things like that. Sorry for the ramble
Let's get into this week's video. I receive a ton of comments every single day asking me
Why is this person then I was in a relationship. Why are they not hoovering and I'm learning about narcissism?
I'm learning that my ex is narcissistic
or the person I'm actually with right now is narcissistic and
you begin to learn this like hoovering method method and like what this actually is and then there's almost a lot of people that
really get down on the fact that their ex isn't coming back or their ex isn't using this kind of tactic on them and because
They're pondering this it's coming from that insecurity within yourself. And I really hate saying that but that really is true
That means that there's some something still going on inside of you. That is
Unhealed that it bothers you that this person is not coming back
So I wanted to give you some insight just on why this person is not hoovering you so right off the bat
Let's just accept the fact that the relationship you were in was a hundred percent not normal
It is not normal to go from someone who is Prince Charming or the girl of your dreams to an absolute devil and monster
Let's just say that let's also accept the fact that the way you felt in this
relationship is not the way the other person felt and the reason being is because this person is
Incapable now the sentence is really important. This person is incapable of having a healthy
normal loving
Respectful relationship. They will never have it
It doesn't matter
Who the person is that they're with it is going to be no different from the person that they're currently with to you to someone
That they were with two years ago. It doesn't really matter. It's all the same stuff
It's the same cycle that's gonna happen over and over again. The only thing that's gonna change is you right?
So the only person that's gonna change it's not gonna be that person. Who's a narcissistic
It's going to be the person that they're in the relationship with so now a lot of people ask me
Well, you know I'm with someone
the relationship ended and they met someone else right away and now they're married or
They and they've been together for years and years and years
it doesn't really matter because you are a completely different person than the person that that
Narcissist is now in a relationship with and you can't compare the two so there's obviously things
Within that new person that they're willing to deal with
regard
linear spiritual journey or their journey in this lifetime
They are on a different path and they're willing to accept different things than what you were willing to accept again
That's a great compliment for yourself
If you look at it in that way if you look at it, like what could I have done?
What didn't I do?
And you come from all of this lack or what? Does this person have that?
I didn't have all of that stems from your own insecurities versus you kind of seeing the situation
For really what it is and using more logic to help yourself through that
Kind of negative tape that's being played in your mind
so now if you have been in this relationship with someone who is narcissistic then hopefully by now you've done enough googling and searching and
Reading and watching a videos to understand the cycle of abuse that you were probably in you're starting to look back and reflect and see
The patterns or see where things were unhealthy?
You're probably gaining a little bit of strength now that you were out of that relationship and removed
So the first thing that you really need to understand is hoovering is just basically a fancy word for
Let me do a couple of things to see if I can still abuse you to Steve
Let's just see if I can still get whatever it is that I want out of you
that's all hoovering actually is the other important thing to understand about hoovering is that it has
Literally, I'm gonna repeat this probably 11 times it has nothing to do with you
So whether or not someone is hoovering that has nothing to do with you whether or not someone is not hoovering it
Actually has nothing to do with you. It actually is more of a compliment
for someone not to Hoover you and I'm gonna explain why so the reason for hoovering is basically so the
narcissist can use a few tactics on you and usually a lot of those tactics kind of fall into the
category of love bombings kind of come in and they're gonna be reasonable and they're gonna be you know,
Easygoing and they're gonna be charming and they're gonna do all the right things and say all the right things they pretend to be this
Character again so you can see. Oh look
There's that person that I once knew
So they're gonna come in play this character to see whether or not you're bendable and you're gonna let them back in to your life
And they want to see if by me doing these
gestures these tactics of love bobbing or whatever will this person then give me what I want so
You can kind of start to see that if someone isn't Hoover in you
That's because they have finally learned that no matter what they do
They're not going to get what they want from you. That's a great thing. That's a good thing
Now a lot of the hoovering kind of techniques aren't necessarily love-bombing. It could just be like simple things
so the relationship has ended whether you ended it or the person ended it with you and
They randomly send you a text three months later. Hey, I just want to see how you're doing
I want to see if you wanted to be friends, you know. Oh I saw your sister in the store
I just wanted to call and say hi
It's just that like quick little like tap on the shoulder to be like hey, I'm still over here
Right and the reason why they do this is all in an attempt to get back into your psyche to make you wonder
To make you questioned make you ponder to make you think about this person and that past relationship
So it's all kind of a ploy for you to for them to get into your psyche so you can start asking yourself
Questions like you know, what went wrong in that relationship
How could that relationship work? What could I have done differently?
And this is where the cycle starts where we begin to question
ourself over and over again or questioning the relationship did I do the right thing was I the best partner so a lot of times
When when you end the relationship?
You'll tend to ask is this person really that bad like, what did I do?
And you kind of start questioning your decision or if someone left you and you were discarded then the questions become what did I do?
Wrong me. Maybe I was an ACME wasn't asking for too much. Maybe I should have been more flexible
Maybe I didn't try hard enough and all of those types of things now
the reason why we tend to ask ourselves those types of questions is something called trauma bonding and
Trauma bonding and I've done videos on this and if you guys don't know the term yet
I'll tell you but for the most part you probably have but trauma bonding is one you've
Experienced a certain level of abuse and a certain level of praise
Time and time again in a relationship where you become then addicted to this person
You become addicted to this unhealthy pattern now because you're in an abusive relationship
You went through the abusive cycle where things were good things were bad. Um, you know, this person protected this person was appearing to be
everything that I've ever wanted in a partner and then the next day
They began being manipulative and they were lying or they were cheating and then abuse started happening and maybe they were you know
Physically abusing me sexually abusing me verbally abusing me giving me the silent treatment
Gaslighting me whatever it is, and then they become Prince Charming again
And then it goes it just keeps going around and around around
because you were on that hamster wheel and you received kind of almost like praise and then punishment and praise and then punishment and
because you came from your own wounds those insecurities because of those wounds that are inside of you you
Looked at this relationship as this person as your source of survival, they gave you praise they gave you love they gave you validation
they gave you all the things that you weren't giving yourself and then when they took that away you
crave that you became addicted to that and that's why you stayed in the
relationship and that's why you allowed the cycle to continue and continue because you still needed the love and approval and the validation and
All of those things that you were getting from that relationship you still needed that you're a human being but because you were needing it
From something outside of yourself when it no longer happened when you were no longer getting it
You became needy for it or hooked into this person because this is the person that's giving you
Almost like air so to speak
So when this person kind of almost becomes like your source of living when something goes wrong in the relationship you're going to add solutely
Internalize it and wonder what did I do wrong? What could I have done rather than
Seeing the situation for what it is and holding someone else accountable. So you are
Subconsciously being programmed and conditioned to believe that you actually deserve this abuse
And not only on a subconscious time not just unconscious level think that you deserve their abuse
But you're always hoping to get back what once was so when the hoovering starts to happen again
Those tactics that they're using on you. The reason for them is for that person to
Wonder do you still think I'm a good person. Do you still believe that I'm this character?
And so I'm gonna do certain things in order for you to in order for me to see if you still in some capacity
Think that I'm the person that you once loved or that you were once in a relationship with so when a narcissist isn't hoovering you
That's because on some level they know that you're never gonna be a good source of narcissistic supply
You're never gonna give them what they want
And so they're not gonna come anywhere near you
So it is a compliment if you don't get hoovered now
I know on some level you secretly might want it because it's soothing like I said that wounded part of yourself that's coming from that
insecurity of
maybe lacking control over where this relationship when maybe an insecurity of you being discarded and then moving on or
You just aim to start a period or that insecurity of questioning yourself on whether or not you made the right decision
and
Is this person actually a good person but you can't see it and it also comes from just honestly that I'm not enough story
I'm not good enough story and really what that is. Is you seeking validation?
from something outside of yourself and really what that validation is is you wanting it to come from this person so really what a
Narcissist is doing when they leave and they never come back as they're basically telling you
hey, you actually saw me for who I am and
You are not believing any of my BS. You're holding me accountable
and you're not showing me what I want to see which is just basically mirror back that I'm the best person and I
get away with whatever I want to get get away with so when a narcissist knows that their you're incapable of
Giving them what it is that they really need. They're gonna leave and they're never gonna come back
So I hope you have enjoyed this video
If you did, don't forget to give it a thumbs up, and I will see you next week