-Okay.
Maybe I was wrong.
This is pretty scary.
-Seriously?
Do you want to get Pink a sick present or not?
-Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Let's go.
-Aw, yeah.
Follow my lead.
Oh, crap.
There's guards.
-What do we do?
-Cartwheel.
-Cartwheel?
-Ah.
Oh.
-Holy shit!
Did you see that?
-Uh, no.
-Me neither.
-Shew.
-Hey, you hiding behind those crates!
-Ahh!
-Cartwheel, dude!
Ahh.
-Huh.
Where'd he go?
-Damn cartwheels every time.
-Woo.
See, how would you have any fun without me?
-Reading is fun.
-Your mom's fun.
Ha, ha, ha.
Now let's find ourselves a boat.
[gasps]
-How about this one?
It's perfect.
-Dude, let's just get on that one.
-No way!
Have you seen how awesome this thing is?
The guns have guns.
-This one's got boobs and beer.
Red?
-Boobs and beer!
-I'm going to regret this.
-Holt, bro.
This booze cruise is for college house dudes and
dudettes only!
Hmm.
Oh, holy shit!
You're that freshman 15 dude, dude.
Didn't you, like, nail 15 freshman chicks in, like, one
night?
-Naked party!
-Here we go!
Woo!
Oh, shit!
That's, like, four!
-Fuck my life!
-Oh, yeah.
That was back in my college years.
Can't believe this, only 15.
-Yes, bro.
Yes!
That what I'm talking about!
Dude, welcome aboard bro dude bro.
Keg's on the poop deck, babes on the port side.
Watch out for Neptune.
-Mm.
Mm.
Ahh!
Party foul!
Aw.
-Whoa!
Titties, here I come!
-Oh, wow.
That was away easy.
-Halt, bro!
This party train's sailing for Port Cool so consider yourself
the third wheel.
-Wait.
But I thought we were cool?
-You thought thinking was cool?
Dude?
-What the hell?
-Sorry, dude!
Should have banged more freshmen chicks!
-How the fuck am I going to get to Japan?
-Take your car, Stupid!
-Hey!
We only have room for one more pallet!
-Should we load the beer or the life vests?
-Load the beer!
No regrets!
-No regrets!
-Let's get this party started.
Captain DJ, make that anchor drop.
NARRATOR: And so Red and Blue took a booze cruise across the
ocean blue, but they were attacked by pirates and they
were all beheaded!
Just kidding.
They all got sea scurvy anddied out of their butts.
No.
These are all lies.
Unfortunately, they made it to Japan.
But pirates sounded pretty cool, right?
All right.
Here's Japan.
-Whoa!
All right!
[speaking japanese]
-Dude, this place is so racist.
[inaudible] pay phone, bitches.
[snickering]
-You ladies want to sumo wrestle?
-I'm gonna die here.
-See ya, dudes!
No regrets!
-No regrets, dudes!
-Aw, so happy.
-I am so angry!
-I'm in danger of failing out of Ninja Video Game Academy.
-[japanese].
I'm in love with him.
-Fuck you.
-(SINGING) Why do the koi fish cr- cr- cry?
Why do the koi fish die, die, die?
-Uh.
This place is too cartoony for me.
-Why do the koi fish cry, cry, cry?
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, dead.
-Oh, sick!
Ramen.
-This this some crunchy ass rice.
-Red, that's a bowl of tiny cell phones.
[phone ringing]
-I've had a lot of painful poops, but this is
gonna be a bad one.
-Yeah.
Good luck with that.
-Oh.
You need the directions?
-Oh yeah.
Wow.
That would be great.
Thanks!
Uh, [japanese].
-[speaking japanese]
-Um.
We're trying to get to this restaurant.
Do you know it?
-Ha.
He.
Oh.
[whimpers]
-Are you okay?
-[speaking japanese]
-What is wrong with her face?
-[speaking japanese]
-Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
You are extremely unhelpful.
-[speaking japanese]
[gasping]
-Oh, my god.
All those animes were documentaries.
-Ah.
That sushi restaurant better be close.
I'm hungry for some more cell phones.
[phone ringing]
-Dude, I think we're here.
-How are we going to know what the racoon's
kid even looks like?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Please, have a seat.
-Huh.
Guess he's not here.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Can I help you?
-[speaking japanese]
-We, uh--
we've traveled a long way to find this village.
Do you know the raccoon?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) The raccoon?
I hate that guy.
His voice sounds so stupid, right, guys?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Ha, ha, ha.
Totally.
Eat your noodles.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I don't want to eat my noodles!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I am Son Sun, son of Papa Sun, the one you
call the raccoon.
-What?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) This is my wife, Wife Sun, and my son,
Grand Son Sun.
-Huh.
Raccoon looks nothing like his family.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) A family he abandoned when he dishonored
the mighty Japan with the Greatest Sword of Destiny.
It was too powerful for him andyou will never find it!
[gasping]
-Oh, this is some bullshit!
I want some god damn sushi!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I will cut the sushi after I cut you!
[fighting]
-Ahh!
Wasabi!
Ah!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Ah!
A spicy seaweed!
-Ahh!
Miso!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Ahh!
Hot tea!
Oh!
Fuck you!
Ooh!
Okay.
I will make you sushi.
-Ah.
[sobbing]
-Oh, thank Godzilla.
-I think I like the cell phones better.
-So the raccoon, uh, Papa Sun, said that you'd know where to
find the sword.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I swore an oath that I would never reveal
the location of the weapon so it may never fall into his
hands again.
-Oh, no.
It's not for the raccoon.
It's for me.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Oh.
Well, that's fine.
It's just up at that mountain.
-BOTH: Nope.
-Whoa!
-Uhh.
Red Sun, you're so fat.
-I had a whole bowl of cell phones for lunch.
-Ah, that explains it.
-Oh, sick.
-Damn, I bet they got hellaswords in there.
-Hey.
Hey, why you no pay?
Oh.
Mr. Makasan, you stop!
Very dangerous!
You go no further!
-Sorry, man.
We're kind of getting our quest on.
-Yeah.
Don't worry about it, pussy.
Getting my quest on, singingthe quest song.
-Red!
Dude, wait!
-(SINGING) All the girls are like--
-(GIRL VOICE) who's that brave ass dude?
-(SINGING) It's mother fucking Red in the Temple of Doom,
boulders, air, roach, snakes and spiders.
I'm not scared of anything, not even fire.
A creepy ass castle and a mountain mask, walking right
inside and I'm kicking it's ass.
-Aw, a splinter.
This place might be dangerous after all.
-Whoa.
There it is.
-Man, that little panda was right.
[farts]
-Oh, my god.
That's a bad one.
Evasive maneuvers.
-Huh?
It's just the hilt of the sword!
-The what of the sword?
-It's just the handle!
-That sucks.
-You think?
We came all this way for the god damn handle!
-Man, this is a cool drawing.
It's got, like, all three condiments.
-You mean continents?
-Yeah.
Uh, there's squiggle, super squiggle and America.
-Which one are we are now?
-We're on squiggle!
-So there's two pieces left?
-I guess so.
I don't fucking know.
-Oh, hey, guys.
Sup?
-We are the Tachigami Demon Army.
Our blades burn like fire and our fire stings like ice and
our ice is really fucking cold.
We are cursed to protect the Great Sword of Destiny from
anyone who seek to use its might power.
-We don't want to use it.
I-, I just wanted a birthday present for my girlfriend.
-Then we shall kill her too because she
will have the sword.
-Uh, wait dude.
Uh, can't we talk about this?
-The only thing we're going to talk about is, uh, how that
you're about to be!
-Crack this!
This party sucks!
-Run for it!
-Seize their swords!
From our point of view, they are the villains, not us!
He's supposed to be rational from our side of the story!
-Dude, that's just cra!
-Stop running your mouth andstart running your legs!
-Why?
Are the cops coming?
-Yes.
-Ahh!
[screaming]
-This is all your fault!
I don't know why I ever let you talk me into this!
-You shut up!
The cops are coming!
-They're not cops!
They're demons!
-Oh.
Really?
-Why do demons scare you less than cops?
-Demons don't have guns.
-I should have never gone on this stupid quest.
I would have been better off getting her that bear trap.
-Oh, you mean that sweet hat?
-Red, come on!
-Be very careful with that dynamite.
It's going to the ExplosionFactory.
-Ahhh!
-Huh.
Holy crap, we made it.
And we're floating away!
-What you talkin' about?
-I mean, the tides are carrying us out to sea!
-Aw, yea!
Bermuda Triangle, here we come!
-Well, what are we going to do?
-I don't know.
But hey, at least we got sushi.
-Ah!
-See ya, Japan!
You stink crazy!
Row boat trip!
Woo!
-Would you shut up?
I don't know if you've noticed or not, but we're in some deep
shit.
-Uh, I think it's called a rowboat.
-That isn't funny!
We're stuck in the middle of theocean with only the hilt
of this stupid sword and now we're going to die out here
and I'm going to miss Pink's birthday!
-I don't know why you're doing all this crazy
stuff for her any way.
Who cares?
She's just a girl!
-Well, I love her, okay.
That's why!
-What does that mean?
-Wait, you really don't know what love means?
Course you don't.
It's this feeling you get when you see someone.
Deep down inside of you your heart starts pumping and you
just feel happy all over.
It's the strongest most wonderful feeling you can have
for someone.
-So you mean a boner?
-No!
-Dude, I'm in love all day.
-You are such an idiot!
-I wouldn't do all this for a boner.
I'd just go online and lookup pictures of your mom.
-Shut up!
I'm doing this because I think she's in love with me too.
-No way, man.
She likes me.
-What?
-Yeah, dude.
She's always giving me those dirty looks.
Mm.
-Because she hates you!
Red, not every girl in the world thinks
you're cool, hot shit.
-Yeah they do.
Why do you think I beat up all those bullies back in
kindergarten?
-To save my life.
-What?
No.
Dude, I was trying to impress all those chicks.
-What?
-Yeah, worked pretty good too.
-You've beaten me up, embarrassed me, screwed my
ex-girlfriends, crapped in my bed, stolen my shit, eaten my
food and taken my money for years!
I stayed friends with you this whole time because for some
reason I actually thoughtyou were my friend too!
-Wow, you must feel pretty stupid.
-Fuck you!
Ahh!
You're such an asshole!
I can't believe you let me think we
were actually friends!
-Well maybe I'd be friends with you if you weren't such a
god damn loser all the time!
-I'm a loser?
I caught you masturbating to Animal Planet!
-That was one time!
You're just racist against elephants!
-I can't believe I stuck by your side
for 20 god damn years!
I'm not your friend anymore!
-Good!
I'm not yours!
-Great.
-Awesome!
-Good.
-I'm glad.
-Hey, baby.
This one's for you.
-Oh, my god.
Who is that?
Yea.
So, what are you doing after recess?
[panting]
-Huh?
Holy shit.
Red.
Red, are you dead?
-Naw, man.
Just tannin' my back.
-God damn it.
Where are we?
-We're in paradise, mon!
-No, we're not!
We're on a deserted island!
-We should really sail to dinner island first.
-No, deserted island-- oh, my god.
-Huh.
Is there a burrito island?
That sounds way better.
-Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
I'm actually going to die.
I'm going to die next to an asshole and I'll never see
Pink's boobs again.
-Yeah, and I'm getting real worried this place doesn't
have internet.
-Oh, shit.
Maybe--
Oh, no.
Where's my phone?
Wait, dude!
Didn't you eat a bowl full of tiny cell phones for lunch?
-Oh, yeah!
[grunting]
-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Come on.
[grunting]
-Nope.
-Dude.
[grunting]
-It's not coming out.
-Here, let me try.
-Ow.
Not so hard, asshole.
-How about this?
-Stop it.
Let me just to dial it with my butt muscles.
[grunting]
-Yup, this is my nightmare.
[phone dialing]
[phone ringing]
-It's ringing!
I can't believe I'm doing this.
If you fart, I'll kill you.
-Careful, if I fart, I'll kill you.
FEMALE (OFFSCREEN): Hello.
You've reached Global Rescue Services, ready to rescue you
wherever you are, especiallyif you're stuck
on a deserted island.
-Uh, hello.
Can you hear me? -Well hello yourself baby.
You can rescue me anytime.
What are you wearing?
What are you doing?
FEMALE (OFFSCREEN): Oh, you know.
Just bored at work.
I get off at 7 if you want to meet up at
Burrito Island then.
[farts]
-Oh.
Oh, my god!
-Oh.
I think I broke the phone.
-Ah!
Screw you!
That is it!
-Where are you going?
-Home.
You can finish this god damn quest on your own.
-I knew you were a pussy!
-This was the stupidest idea.
Stupid lame ass Blue.
That sword is gonna be tight.
(SINGING) Gettin' my beach on, singing the beach song, hoping
that a crab doesn't nibble my balls.
[snoring]
[screaming]
-Wow.
This place is paradise.
The sun is so warm.
The water's so clear.
The sand, like diamonds beneath my feet.
The air smells sweet, like--
smoke?
Red!
-Ahh!
-Red, what did you do?
-What?
Oh, that.
-You ruin everything!
-It's not that bad.
-We're going to be burned alive!
What is that?
-King Kong!
-Is- is that a plane?
-Bees!
-Holy shit!
It is a plane!
-Ahh!
Sky demon!
-Ha, ha, ha.
Cheerio old chaps.
Grab a hold!
[panting]
-Perfectly executed signalfire old chaps.
Spotted it a fort night away.
Still, damn shame you burned down Burrito Island.
-That was Burrito Island?
No!
-Maybe it was Boobie Island.
-No!
-Who are you?
-You're flying with Captain Major Lieutenant Crookygrin,
Private First Class Retired.
-You're a pilot?
-And an alcoholic.
1,000 flights, 1,000 crashes,perfect record.
-Woop.
Wa- wa- whomp.
Trying to flip us over you old bitch.
Did I mention I'm blind?
Alcohol blindness.
-Ha ha.
You and me both, brotha.
-Uh, woo.
-Ha ha ha.
-What are you doing flying all the way out here?
-On my way to Gay Paris.
I'm meeting an old friend from the war, Colonel Dingleberry.
-Mr. Dingleberry?
-He was a private when I knew him.
Haven't seen him since D-Day, or Dingle Day as he
liked to call it.
Ha ho.
We are on a top secret missionto stop two blokes from
finding the Great Sword of Destiny.
-Uh, what two blokes?
-Oh. the dossier said theirnames were, what
was it, Red and Blue.
[gasps]
-Say, tell an old blind man your names.
-Uh, Tom.
-Uh, and Tom.
-Tom and Tom, not enough Toms in the world I've
always said, by jove.
Jeff
BOTH: For sure.
-This mission's important to me lads, so important that
I've quite drinking.
In fact, I think my alcohol blindness is
being cured as we speak.
I-, I think I see a cloudand an eagle-- bastard.
My god, the sun.
-Oh, shit.
He's gonna see us.
What do we do?
-Run away, man.
-Dude, we're screwed.
-Maybe not.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
-Never.
-We just get this guy sloshed and he'll be
as blind as a pelican.
-Pelicans aren't blind.
-Come on.
Here, Crooky a toast, for good luck.
-No.
No.
I mustn't have a drop.
The fate of the queen depends on it.
-Wouldn't be very proper to turn down a shot of English
gin, would it?
-Bitch, proper's my middle name.
Woo-hoo!
Tally-ho!
-See, I told you this was a bad idea!
-Whoa.
Dude, you're a lightweight.
-Balderdash!
I know that sound.
Gentlemen, we're under attack.
-Holy crap.
Are you serious?
-Don't worry chaps.
There's a 50-cal on the top turns.
One of you old boys be a sport and fend off those jerries for
old pip, will you?
-All right.
You shoot the machine gun.
I'll keep the old guy flyingthe plane blind.
-That is the worst plan I've ever heard.
All right, fine.
But in case I die, I still hate you.
-I hope they shoot you in the face!
-Seize their souls!
-Oh, shit!
Jet packed demon ninjas!
We've toasted to you, so now we got to toast to me.
-Well, it's only customary.
To Tom.
-Who?
-Okay.
I got this.
[gunshots]
-Nice evasive maneuvers.
You'll leave my mother out of this, you twat.
-To mothers.
Everybody's got a mother.
-Your mom's got a mother.
[shouting]
-Oh, my god.
I just puked.
-Don't get cocky!
-Crooky.
-No!
Ahh!
-Hey, Red.
What's your favorite animals?
-I like the color green a lot, but also the bathroom because
that's where you can barf.
[vomits]
-Hey!
Hey, I got the last one!
You guys see that?
Of course, you didn't.
Uh.
You guys see that?
[panting]
-Pull up!
We're gonna crash!
-Are you hungry?
-You got to pull up right now!
We're going to crash!
-Uh.
Everyone okay?
-Uh, I'm fine.
-I- I'm dying.
BOTH: Oh, shit!
-Oh, god.
Uh.
[coughing]
-Oh.
Here.
Take this.
-What is it?
-You two must finish my mission now.
Stop those bastards, Red and Blue, from finding the Great
Sword of Destiny.
It's hidden on top La Toure Eiffel.
-What?
What does that mean?
-I'm counting on you my dear Tom and Tom.
-No, wait!
What is La Tour Eiffel?
-Another flight, another crash--
perfect record.
Ahh.
Now, tally-ho.
-May the eagles carry you up to heaven.
-Ha!
That dude's gonna have a hangover tomorrow.
Woo-wee.
-Uh.
Dude, wait!
Since it looks like we're stucktogether, we may as well
work together.
-I mean, I guess it was pretty sharp shooting up there with
those ninjas, even thoughyou barfed like a loser.
-Shut up.
Come on.
Let's go find that blade.
MALE (OFFSCREEN): Check please.
-Ooh la la.
Yeah.
I'm going to probe this waitressfor information.
Mm.
-Wait, you're going to do what?
Red, where are you going?
-Pick up!
Pick up!
BLUE (OFFSCREEN): Hey, it's Blue.
Just text me.
No one listens to voice mails.
-Hey, Blue.
It's Pink.
Just calling you for the hundredth time.
Wh- where have you been?
MALE (OFFSCREEN): Mailboxfull, you crazy.
-Uh.
Damn it.
MALE(OFFSCREEN): I'm going to cut you, fool!
I'm going to cut you!
-Sup, bitch.
-Hey, Stacy.
You haven't seen Red around have you?
Blue hasn't been answering his phone for, like, two days.
-Who's Red?
-That guy you have sex with every day.
-Mm.
Which one?
-The one with the hat.
-Oh, Steven.
-Sup, babe.
Ready for round trace?
-Uh, never mind.
-Red, when did you get that hat?
-Sorry we couldn't meet again, old Crookygrin but I'm sure
I'll see you soon.
I'm super old.
-Are you sure it was Rouge and Blue?
-Oh, yup.
They went that away.
-Fantastic.
We will find them no matter what.
[speaking french]
-Comb the area and your mustaches,
especially you, Jaque.
-Oui.
[evil laughter]
-Excellent work, Colonel Dingleberry.
The sword is safe thanks to you.
-You said I'd get a reward.
-And you shall.
You'll be seeing your friend, Crookygrin,
sooner than you think!
-Oh, shit.
Should have seen that coming.
Ah.
-Yeah.
Let me show you how to French kiss.
-Why don't you show me your toure felle instead?
-Ha ha ha ha.
What?
-Red, what are you doing?
-Beat it, man.
Kind of having a private moment here.
-Garson, there seems to bean asshole in our soup.
-Dude, Tachigami and those ninjas could
still be out there.
We've got to find La Tour Eiffel.
-Don't worry about him.
Why don't you es car go get us a bottle of wine?
[speaking french]
-Don't forget that bottle of wine!
-Seriously?
We don't have time for this?
-Have you seen this place?
There's wine and women everywhere!
We're in paradise monsieur!
-Nope, this is Paris and we got to find that stupid blade
and get out of here.
-Ahh!
Why are you always bossing everybody around?
What are you, the king of Europe?
-I just don't have time for another interruption.
(SINGING) Rumors, rumors, in France it's called frommage.
It isn't a mirage.
And it [inaudible].
Bagette, bagette, it looks just like a duck!
You bake it in the oven and itsmells just like a shit!
Because France's favorite meal is duck baby
cheese power fuck.
[applause]
-Whoa.
I swear, it's just like my son.
-Dude, is that Lord Tourettes?
-Well hello!
Butt fuckers!
-Yeah, that's Lord Tourettes.
-Dude, what are you doing in Paris?
-Playing the accordion.
-But why are you in Paris?
-To play the accordion!
-Garcon, I believe there's an accordion in our soup.
-Uh, garcon, I believe there is a man in our soup.
-What are you two doing here?
[gasps]
-We're here to play the accordion too!
-Really?
-No.
-Wait, we're not?
-No.
We're trying to find something called La Tour Eiffel.
-La Tour Eiffel?
Oh!
You must mean, the Eiffel Tower!
-That's what it is?
-Reg, is retarded!
[speaking french]
-Spread out.
Find those assholes, Rouge and Blue.
[gasps]
-And kill them.
-Oh.
Get down.
-I'm always getting down, down, down, down.
-No one kills a mime in my town.
-Stop it.
Now the French police are trying to kill us too.
-This quest sucks.
Whose dumb idea was this?
-Yours, numb nuts.
Now shut up and hide.
-Oh.
Oh.
Shit!
-Uh, waiter.
Do you work here?
We ordered crab legs.
Oh, why yes you did.
They're right here.
-Waiter, have you seen these two men?
-Uh.
-Our crab legs?
[speaking french]
[gasps]
-Yesh.
You food looks delicious.
-Mama, the crap's legs won't come off.
-You must first crack the shell.
There you go.
Take a bite.
[moaning]
-My, your food is cooked so fresh.
It is still crying.
May I try a bite?
-Please, it is too much for us.
[speaking french]
-It is rather tender.
-It's our, uh, most famous dish.
Ha ha.
-Men!
Men!
You must come over and try this crab.
[moaning]
-Monsieur, we have finished our sweep.
Rouge and Blue are nowhere to be found.
-Very well.
We'll return tonight for dinner and make sure you have
plenty of crab.
[speaking french]
-Check the next restaurant.
[crying]
[gasps]
-Take me back to the ocean.
Come on, dude.
Be quiet and we can get out of here.
[farts]
-Did that crab just fart?
-Crabs do not have butt holes!
-Ahh!
Don't let them eat me!
-Open fire!
[gunshots]
-Hurry, you got to get out of here!
-Get in!
I'm going to hot wire this.
Shit!
-Come on.
Come on.
-I'm not going to jail again!
-Ha ha ha ha!
-Thank god!
Lord Tourettes, can you getus to the Eiffel Tower?
-You bet your sweet ass!
Now buckle the fuck up!
It's gonna be a bumpy ride!
-Alert all units.
Get me everything.
-MALE (OFFSCREEN): Freeze, Americans!
-I'll be back!
Woo!
[speaking french]
-Get your umbrellas!
-Take the wheel, bitch!
-Huh?
-Ah-ha.
-Where are we going?
-Follow me.
I'll will guide you to the cock of Paris.
-The what of what?
-Chases are great.
-Red!
Gotcha.
-Holy crap.
I almost died.
-You're welcome, mother fucker.
-Grab on!
There it is, the Tour Eiffel.
Ha ha ha ha.
One fact, this tower was erected in 1889.
-Gross.
-Oh, crap.
They got us surrounded!
-Ah-ha!
You are surrounded!
Get off of our cock!
-You get off of my cock, dick!
-Oh.
How dare you!
-Be careful, he curses well.
-LT, can you hold them offwhile we get the blade?
-Leave it to me!
-Come on.
Oh, my god.
I'm out of shape.
-Dude, I'm like King Kong.
-How about a little lullaby?
(SINGING) Go to sleep.
Let the tea with dreams of fresh baguettes.
Drink some wine my sweetheart.
I've got fucking ass sharts!
[speaking french]
-I am becoming very la sleepy.
-Eat talking shit at the house.
(SINGING) Lullaby will make you sleep.
-I said Tourettes, you're the fucking dick!
-Uh, now what?
-Stick it in.
Stick it in.
-You're such a creep.
Wow.
Two pieces down, one left to go.
I wonder what that last piece is.
-I hope it's a dragon.
-I really don't think it's a dragon.
-Oh, splendid.
You found it.
-Yeah, but we're still missingthat last piece.
-Oh, wait-- the letter.
Damn it.
It's in French.
-I can read it.
It says, the last piece of the sword is--
-Shh.
-Gem.
It's a gem and it's hidden in ax--
in a mountain behind your--
[grunting]
-Home town.
Fantastic.
-Really?
[speaking french]
-Yeah.
That's super convenient.
-Good f-- f-- luck you two.
I hope you find your destiny.
-Aw, man.
Thanks, Lord Tourettes.
See ya.
-Audios, little green man.
-Avior, mother fuckers!
-Ho ho ho.
-Ahh!
Run!
-Don't let them get away.
They have defiled France's cock!
-That sword will be mine!
Ohh.
NARRATOR: And so, Red and Blue escaped from the Tachigami
Demon Army and the French police and took a long
convoluted map journey home to find the last piece of the
Great Sword of Destiny so Blue could get Pink a birthday
present, or something.
I don't know.
This movie's crazy.
Am I in your mind?
Are you in mine?
Ahh!
[gasps]
-I am never taking a plane,boat, submarine, turtle,
dragon, motorcycle, rocket, parachute,
train, hand car again.
-Yeah.
I mean, probably not.
-Ahh.
Ahh.
America.
It's good to be back!
-Okay.
According to LT, the gem of the sword
is hidden in a mountain.
Are there any mountains around here?
Huh, I never noticed that before.
-Sup, boys.
-Stacy, I see two mountains right here.
-Oh, crap.
Not now.
Dude, we don't have time for this.
-Pssh, it can wait a little bit.
The gem hasn't gone anywhere for like a billion years.
-Pink's birthday party is starting any minute.
I got to get there.
No gem, no sword.
No sword, no present.
No present, no Blue and Pink.
-Relax!
I'll just have a drink or two.
-You never just have a drink or two!
-I promise, just a couple bottles.
We'll have that whatever it is in no time.
-Red!
Seriously, what the hell?
We're so close!
-Don't be such a stick in the butt, dude!
We made it home!
It's party time, man!
Hey, ladies!
-I don't know why I ever trusted you!
You never follow through on anything!
This the most important thing that's ever happened to me and
you're bailing?
-Dude, there's boobs in here.
What am I supposed to do?
-Be my friend!
-Sorry, bro.
This train's leaving for Waste-Face USA, population,
des hoes, des nuts and this bottle of Jack.
Get over here girl!
Put your face on my sack!
Woo!
-Red!
-Dude, this party sucks.
-Ah, they've got free beer.
-Happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday.
Where's Blue?
-Jesus.
That racoon's reward better be worth it.
I don't need that jerk.
I can do this alone.
This is for you, Pink.
I'm coming, baby.
Time to get my quest on.
Begin at Big Montage!
[grunting]
-Hey, what's going on?
Oh, my god!
What the hell?
-Ahh!
Oh, my god!
The chip is out!
He thinks it's so cool!
Isn't this cool?
-Uh!
Oh!
Boss, that feels crazy.
Ahh!
-Ahh.
-I suppose we should be thankful, Blue Sun.
You led us straight to theGreat Sword of Destiny.
And now, I am going to avenge every person who has died--
ever!
-Wait.
What about all those people who died of old age?
-Them too!
-That's a stupid plan!
Now give me back that sword!
-Hmp.
You're a stupid plan.
Throw the round head into the volcano!
[whimpering]
-Ahh!
-I curse life.
-Red?
What are you doing here?
-After I finished drinking all those girls and screwing all
that beer, I decided I shouldcome back for my friend.
-I must be dead.
- (ASIAN ACCENT) Blue Sun, thered one tells the truth.
You have a very good friend indeed.
-You were right, man.
For once, I got to finishwhat I started.
Plus, that sword is pretty tight.
-That's what I've been sayingthe whole time!
So, you're back?
-I'm back, dude.
-Uh.
You?
You're back?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) It's is timeto finish what I started
10,000 years ago.
-Are you still butt hurt about that little geisha
you called a wife?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) The only one who's about to be hurt is you.
-Ha ha ha ha ha.
You really think you can defeat all of us?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) And did you know I can go all night, baby?
I'm nocturnal.
Uhh!
-We're in for a huge fight, aren't we?
-You know it!
Try to take some notes.
-Ha.
Yeah, right.
I didn't play all those video games for nothing.
New challenger appears--
K.O. Flawless victory!
Finish him!
Oh, my god.
This is actually working!
-Yeah, dude!
Keep doing it!
-Hadouken!
-Brutality.
-Animality.
-Bestiality!
-Gross.
-You can't kill me!
You're just a stupid raccoon!
- (ASIAN ACCENT) You needbetter insults!
Huh.
Father Son.
-BOTH: Holy shit!
- (ASIAN ACCENT) If you ever want to fight evil, you must
keep your elbows straight.
- (ASIAN ACCENT) Father, one dayI want to go to America.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) That is not a country yet.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) You are Lord of Tachigami?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Did you ever wonder why we have
the same last name?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Impossible!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Father Sun, whydid you become so evil?
- (ASIAN ACCENT) I had to avengeall the people who have
died in the world.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) But by killing people, aren't you creating
more people you need to avenge?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Yes.
This way, I can do this sweet job forever!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) You are evil.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) And you kept your elbows straight.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Siya-nara, Father Sun.
-Oh, shit.
Nature's ninja.
-Raccoon, you okay?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I am so sad.
-But you did it, man!
You freakin' cut your dad's head off.
[sighs]
-(ASIAN ACCENT) It is true.
Tachigami is finally defeated.
-Yeah, that hombre is muerte.
-What is that?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Ocho Muerte.
Follow me!
Ooh fuck!
-Holy shit!
That's Ocho Muerte?
-That is a big ass sushi!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Boys, yourtown is in grave danger.
-Oh, my god!
Pink!
-She's probably fine.
Okay.
We should probably get down there.
-Let's go!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Quickly!
There is no time to lose!
-Hey, Pink!
Have you ever met my sister?
-Happy birthday.
-Thanks.
I just wish Blue was here.
-Whatever, bitch.
Boys are overrated.
-Ahh!
-What the fuck is that?
-Wow!
This party's crazy.
Oh, my boobs!
[gasps]
-Ah!
Huh.
Blue?
What's going on?
-Sorry I'm late.
It's a long story.
-Just like my dick!
-Really, Red?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Ocho Muerte, go back from whence you came.
[evil laughter]
-You can't kill the Tachigami that easily!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Father Sun, you are Ocho Muerte, too?
-When you defeated me, I threw up your wife for eternity!
A Tachigami could never marry a geisha!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) But Father Sun, I loved her!
-Then how about a reunion?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Boys, it's up to you now.
[gasps]
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Oh, oh, no!
No!
-No!
Papa Sun!
-Ahh!
Blue, help!
-Pink!
-Dude, the sword!
-Ahh!
[grunts]
-Cartwheel, dude!
-Blue!
-Ahh!
-Ow!
Uh!
Ahh!
-Ahh!
-Blue!
-Ahh!
-No!
-D- du- dude!
It's slipping!
You can't pull me up with just one arm!
-But I'll drop the sword!
-Do it or you'll drop me!
-Sorry, dude.
-What?
No!
Red!
Did you just imagine dropping me?
-Maybe.
Ah, fuck it.
-Red!
Stop imaging ways to kill me and pull me up!
-Nah.
-Ahh!
I thought we were actually friends this time.
-We are.
[coughing]
-Holy shit.
Are you okay?
-No way.
-You?
-Nah.
Hey, man.
I'm sorry I've been such an asshole.
I've, uh, never really had a friend before.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-It's all good, man.
Just stop pooping in my bed, okay.
-I never pooped in your bed.
-I've been pooping in my sleep?
-Naw, I'm just messing with you.
I poop in your bed, but I won't anymore.
[moaning]
-Papa Sun?
Papa Sun!
-Raccoon, that you?
[coughing]
-Raccoon.
[moaning]
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I'm alive.
-Whoa.
We thought you were super dead.
-Seriously.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Not yet.
[coughing]
-Momma Sun?
[coughing]
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Papa Sun.
Oh.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I thought I lost you forever.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) No, my love.
Only for 10,000 years.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I will never lose you again.
-That's your wife?
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Yes.
I could not face my son after destroying Japan and I feared
the sword was lost forever.
Thanks to your bravery, it has been reconstructed and I could
now finally save my wife.
-Wait.
So this whole time we wereactually risking
our necks for you?
-We got tricked!
-(ASIAN ACCENT) I did trickyou into finding
the sword for me.
But what you found for yourselfwas friendship.
-That's true.
-Lame!
Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
-Ah.
Pink.
-Blue!
-Pink!
-I was so worried about you.
I thought you were dead.
-You know I'd never miss your birthday party.
-(ASIAN ACCENT) Young lovers, this sacred lotus flower has
kept our love strong for 10,000 years.
May it do the same for you.
-Nintendo.
-Blue, it's beautiful.
-I told you I'd get you something special.
-I love you.
-Huh.
I love you too.
-I got a boner!
-Good one.
-Dude, aren't you glad you went on this quest?
-Yeah, man.
I told you I wasn't pussy.
-Pssh.
I always knew we could pull it off.
-Really?
-Well yeah, cuz we're awesome!
THEME SONG: Oh my fucking god!
That shit was totally amazing!
Your brain can not even comprehend.
So much hand shooting excitement.
For the sake of your couch, I hope you're wearing Depends.
We learned so many things together.
Japan is weird and French people slime.
This film had 10 scenes of action and everyone together
said fuck 21 times.
Yeah!
Dick Figures!
You just watched a whole fucking movie of Dick Figures!
Dick Figures!
Bow before them and renounce your creepiest god.
Dick Figures!
Someone get a doctor because this movie's
fucking totally sick!
You asked them, they delivered!
If you don't like Dick Figures it's not hard to figure out
you're a dick.
I counted 10 fucking explosions and jet-packed
demon ninjas that rocked your face.
Your life was a hot pile of garbage.
Now you're so excited that you're nutting
all over the place!
One of those explosions was an octopus.
Sorry for the spoiler, but it's your fault.
That'll teach you to listen to the sound track before you
watch the movie.
-I mean, for god's sake who does that?
You stupid piece of--
THEME SONG: Dick Figures!
Dick Figures!
Saved the world, what do you think about Dick Figures!
Dick Figures!
You just watched it.
You're lazy and fat.
Dick Figures!
You love them with all of your stupid heart and also
part of your junk.
You asked them, they delivered.
A movie so great it made your junk explode.
Whoops.
Our bad.
Sorry about your junk.
Just kidding!
Fuck you!
Dick Figures.
-That shit was crazy!
Yeah.