-Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
You're here. You're watching. Thank you.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, guys, everyone's excited about this --
the 95th Oscars are this Sunday.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ] Yeah.
I love the Oscars because it's the one time
we get to make James Cameron sit in a theater for five hours.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ten movies are nominated for Best Picture,
including "Top Gun: Maverick," "Avatar" 2, "Elvis,"
and seven other films that you lied about seeing.
[ Laughter and applause ]
This will be Jimmy Kimmel's third time hosting the Oscars.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Which means it will also be the third time
my dad calls the next day like,
"You did a great job hosting the Oscars.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You got funny all of a sudden, huh?"
[ Laughter ] That's right, the Oscars are finally here.
For everyone nominated, just remember --
even if you don't win,
Fox News might say you did.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Ohhs and cheering ]
[ Rimshot ] -Preach!
[ Whistling and applause ]
-Well, as you probably heard, the White House and Congress
are talking about banning TikTok.
[ Oohs ]
They're worried about China spying on us,
so, it might be outlawed.
Yeah, so, they're trying to take it down,
but I have a feeling it might stay put.
Kind of like --
[ Cheering ]
[ Ohhs and laughter ]
I mean, people really love TikTok.
It'd be hard to watch it go down in flames.
Sort of like --
Whee-un!
[ Ohhs ]
Whee--
[ Screaming ] [ Rimshot ]
-It raises --
It raises so many questions.
Will TikTok be totally gone
or will parts of it remain?
Kind of like --
-Oh, no!
[ Ohhs ]
[ Screaming and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Or like --
[ Sighs ]
[ Ohhs ]
[ Laughter ] Either way,
you can feel the tension getting high, almost like --
[ Clattering ] [ Ohhs ]
-Olivia, you [bleep] idiot!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Long -- [ Laughs ]
Long story short, if TikTok is outlawed,
it'll leave a giant hole in our hearts.
Kind of like --
[ Laughter ]
[ Gasps ] [ Ohhs ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
My favorite.
-What? -His head just went through the wall, yeah.
It's the best.
Some more political news -- it sounds like
former President Trump will likely
face criminal charges for his hush money payments
to Stormy Daniels.
[ Oohs ] Trump was like --
[ As Trump ] I've never regretted 30 seconds more in my life.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Right now, Democrats are thinking,
"Wow, it's like we're getting two Oscars in one week."
[ Laughter and applause ] Switching gears -- I saw that South Korea
is building the world's biggest spokeless Ferris wheel.
[ Oohs ] Can we see a photo? Look at this.
Wow. [ Laughter ]
It looks like God's aura ring.
[ Laughter ]
You actually have one of those aura rings, don't you?
-Yeah, I did. -You don't like it?
-I didn't care for at all. -Why?
-Always said I was asleep and it hurt so bad to put it on.
It hurt really bad.
[ Laughter ]
-What finger do you have it on?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Never mind. -Supposed to go --
Just cut away, cut away from me, cut away.
We can cut this out.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Ohhh!
-God. Terrible.
-You're supposed to put it on your finger?
-You got to read --
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Now, it makes sense. -Read the instructions.
-Yeah. -You have to read the instructions.
-Ouch! -You just went with your instinct on it.
-Yeah. Figured, why not? -Yeah.
No, no, no, no. -Oof!
-Well, this is going viral -- supermarket chain Aldi
has new Easter bunny marshmallow snacks,
but some people have noticed
they don't really look like bunnies.
Check this out here.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Even worse, they slapped on a warning label that says,
"May contain nuts." -Oh, hey!
[ Rimshot ]
It's the only Easter candy that's perfect for Easter
and a bachelorette party. -Oh!
[ Laughter and applause ] You should put an aura ring on it.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Don't put it on those.
-♪ If you want it, you gotta put an aura ring on it ♪
-Finally...
[ Laughter ]
...a burglar in the UK was identified
after leaving his birth certificate at a crime scene.
[ Laughter ]
Forget leaving it at a crime scene.
Who walks around with their birth certificate?
[ Laughter ] Right now, police are on the lookout
for a man who weighs 7 pounds, 3 ounces.
[ Laughter and applause ] We have a great show.
Let's go write some thank you notes.
Come on with me. Come on.
-♪ JKLMNOP ♪
♪ [ Indistinct ] ♪
♪ But freeze ♪
♪ Catch the wave, later ♪
♪ That was like the alphabet, but I'm an Alpha Beta ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
-What a show!
What a show we have for you tonight.
She stars in the new movie "Shazam! Fury of the Gods,"
which opens in theaters and IMAX March 17th.
Our pal Lucy Liu is here tonight! -Yeah!
[ Cheering and applause ]
-I love Lucy Liu. -Yeah.
You can see him in the FX series "Snowfall,"
which airs Wednesdays
and streams the next day on Hulu.
Damson Idris is joining us! -Yeah!
[ Cheering and applause ] -Stud.
Studly show.
Plus, we've got some great, great, great music.
He's a five-time Latin Grammy-nominated producer
and she is the best-selling female Latin artist of all time.
[ Cheering and applause ] -Oh! -All time!
-♪ Shakira, Shakira ♪ -Their new song,
"music sessions vol. 53" is out now.
and breaking records everywhere.
Music superstars Bizarrap and Shakira
-Oh! -are here tonight!
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Come on!
-We're going to talk to them
and they're performing for us later in the show.
-Oy! -That's what I'm talking about.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Guys, today is Friday and that's usually
when I catch up on some personal stuff.
I check my inbox, return some emails,
and, of course, I send out thank you notes.
[ Cheering and applause ]
I was running a bit behind.
I was wondering, can I write out some thank you notes right now?
Is that okay with you guys?
[ Cheering and applause ] I appreciate it.
James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?
[ Playing tender tune ]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
♪♪
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, Daylight Savings this Sunday,
for kicking off that special half of the year
when our microwaves are actually set to the right time.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Hey, yeah!
-I knew it! -Oh!
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
-Thank you, Apple,
for releasing a new yellow iPhone
and basically saying, "Look, there's only so many cameras
we can slap on the back of this thing.
[ Laughter and applause ] I don't know.
It's yellow."
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, au jus,
for sounding like a really fancy sneeze.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Au jus!
[ Laughter ]
-Gesundheit. -[ Chuckles ]
Oui oui.
[ Laughter ]
Could you wee-wee when you had your --
-No. -No, you couldn't.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[ French accent ] No, no. -That's probably why it's painful.
-Well, it was weird because it was European, so. [You're a-peein']
[ Laughter ] You know, French.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
-Thank you, Korn and Toys"R"Us,
for keeping the backward "R" industry alive.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Respect.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, light blinking on my Wi-Fi router,
for either meaning it's completely broken
or working perfectly.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's blinking.
That's a good thing.
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, Entenmann's, for bringing back
the see-through window on your boxes...
[ Laughter ]
...or, as doughnuts call you,
the red light district.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Mmm!
♪♪
-[ Baritone ] Donut hole.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪ [ Laughter ]
Thank you, finding the light switch in the dark,
for letting me get to third base with the wall.
[ Laughter and applause ] There you have it, everybody.
Those are my Thank You Notes.