With great power comes great res-
[Peter Parker] Don't you dare finish that sentence Don't do it
Well, you know how it goes.
Spider-man has always had a strong coming of age component. Representing a part of life
we all go through as we try to figure out who we are. Just we have to stumble through
without any superpowers.
Although maybe that's for the best.
What's interesting with Into the Spider-verse is the inclusion of so many parental figures
for Miles Morales. While Aunt May and Uncle Ben do play an important part and are great
role models, usually Spider-man is left figuring out the super hero thing by himself.
Here there are people Miles can look up to for support, but it also means his freedom
is constrained.
Today I want to look at that and conventional parenting wisdom and ask if we really teach
responsibility through control and a position of authority or if learning responsibility
requires freedom.
Or put another way, does greater responsibility come with greater power.
This probably could go without saying, but before we get started there will be a lot
of spoilers ahead.
If you haven't seen it, you're missing out on what I think is the best Marvel movie.
And just one of my all time favorite movies ever
There's just so much care in all the little details along with its very unique style.
Alright, with that out of the way, let's swing into things.
There are consequences for the actions we take. Hopefully, we are able to learn from
these and continue onward.
After all, making mistakes is how we learn and gain experience.
Or at least that's what I keep telling myself when I make these videos.
This is clearly the main theme of Into the Spider-verse. I mean it's not subtle.
[Spider-Man] We always find a way to come back
[Gwen] Can you get back up?
[All] Get up! Get up!
[Spider-Man] Yeah, I always get up
It's a great theme. Not giving up can be hard when things go wrong.
Especially when we have witnessed others, like our own heroes, get knocked down and
not be able to get back up.
What if that happens to us? What if we fail?
Ideally, we have someone to give us support like our family. Someone to lend a hand when
we are down.
Unfortunately, this isn't always the case. Our parents may not have been around.
Or perhaps they were so afraid of us getting hurt, they did not give us the freedom to
do things where we might fall in the first place.
They may have been overwhelmed by day to day life. Or were reminded of something that didn't
turn out well for them. Maybe they worried what others would think of them as parents
if we had a problem.
Whatever the reason, they tried to keep control. They worried natural consequences would not
be enough for us to learn.
And if we struggled, they thought
I have to do this.
The world won't go easy on them.
It's for their own good.
This isn't a democracy.
From a young age most of us experience well meaning parents telling us what to do, often
with little to no explanation.
Then we attend school which follows the same dynamic and we move along life on the standard
path with warnings that if we don't listen this time we will fall off and never be able
to get back on the path again.
[Teacher] Mister Morales
The supposed wisdom seems to be that as children, we cannot grasp the long term consequences
to the choices we make. And while there is obviously some truth to this, we should be
empowered along the way and taught about those consequences so we can make informed decisions
ourselves, rather than all of the decisions being made for us.
[Miles' Dad] We all make choices in life
[Miles] It doesn't feel like I have a choice right now
[Dad] You don't!
Miles' parents seem to be calling all the shots for him, or at least his father is.
[Dad] You gotta say "I love you" back
[Miles] Dad, are you serious?
[Dad] I wanna hear it
[Miles] You want to hear me say- [Dad] I love you, dad
[Miles] You're driving me up- [Dad] I love you, dad
[Miles] Look at this place- [Dad] I love you
And as Miles tries to understand his newfound powers he meets Peter B Parker.
Miles hopes he's found a teacher, but quickly learns he will still not be given much freedom
because Peter B Parker withholds knowledge except what he decides Miles is ready for
as the presumed authority figure.
[Peter B Parker] Step 7, you stay here You're lookout, very important
[Miles] Look man, you gotta teach me how to do Spider-Man stuff or I'm not going to be able to help
[Peter B] Watch and learn, kid I'll quiz you later!
And Miles feels stuck because he's been taught to believe
learning is only through instruction.
[Miles] That's new
When parents are focused on being an authority figure, it can create a rift in our relationship
with them. They may show less interest in our thoughts and opinions.
[Dad] Yeah, I mean with a vigilante- [Mom] Jeff, mi amor
Instead trying
to always have the answer.
[Dad] You know how I feel about Spider-Man C'mon
Never showing vulnerability
[Peter B Parker] I got it! [Doc Oc] You got it, Peter?
[Peter B Parker] I got it handled, buddy!
[Peter B Parker] Everything is fine!
And we are left with no clear sign of when the control will stop. Leaving us feeling
like we are constantly being tested.
[Peter B Parker] This kid can turn himself invisible, watch this! He can do it
now!
[Miles] I can't do it on command
And fearful of being judged that we are not capable.
The parent too focused on the future worrying about if we can just get past one more milestone.
[Miles] But I'm ready! I promise!
[Peter B Parker] Then venom strike me right now
[Peter B Parker] Or turn invisible on command So you can get past me
And they don't think about all the time lost on the smaller battles that arise
[Peter B Parker] What?
[Miles] I said-
[Miles] Hey!
[Miles] A zero? Few more of those you'd probably have to kick me out of here, huh?
[Teacher] Only way to get all the answers wrong Is to know which answers are right
We test boundaries trying to find ANY thing that truly is our choice, no matter how small.
[Girl] Hey! [Miles] Yeah?
[Girl] Your shoe's untied [Miles] Yeah, I'm aware. It's a choice
Then adults bemoan when we don't do as we are told. We are being rebellious.
As we desperately seek some form of agency
[Jameson] Thief! A criminal!
If things escalate, adults may resort to punishment.
[Jameson] He's a menace to the entire city!
[Jameson] I want that wall crawling arachnid prosecuted!
Anything to try to remain in control.
Sometimes this may appear to have the desired effect to them.
But punishment doesn't teach us to focus on what we could do better next time.
We just don't want to experience whatever type of pain it was again. Especially the
pain of rejection, feeling like our parents' acceptance or love is conditional.
Now the goal will probably become just don't get caught.
Like swearing or skipping class.
Is all of this control worth it?
How can they be so sure? The world is constantly changing. No one can predict what will be
successful in the future. And is that even the metric that matters most?
There is a good chance the role we are trying to be forced into doesn't fit us.
[Miles] Can I return it, if it doesn't fit?
[Stan Lee as cashier] It always fits
[Stan Lee] eventually
when coming from a place of authority a parent doesn't know what to do other than keep trying
to make it fit.
Like putting a square peg in a round hole,
There's a high chance if it does eventually fit it's damaged us along the way.
This is even more likely among those of us who are autistic or otherwise neurodivergent,
who are taught to mask to fit in.
So instead of starting the process to figure out who we are..
we stop listening to ourselves and try to figure out what role everyone else wants us
to be instead.
[Peter B Parker] And it's a no on the cape! [Miles] I think it's cool
[Peter B Parker] Take that off! It's disrespectful!
[Peter B Parker] Spider-Man doesn't wear a cape
We fumble along as we struggle to carry those expectations.
We feel shame worrying we are letting people down
And begin to believe who we are is the problem.
We begin to avoid conflict
We hesitate to reach out for help
Getting back up becomes meaningless as we feel there is nothing we can do. No power
to change things.
I think too many of us have experienced this. In Peter B Parker we can see its remnants.
Someone who was too worried to fall down again so only stayed in their comfort zone.
Too worried about "what if" something goes wrong.
His fears have paralyzed him in his own personal life and risks passing those fears on to the
next generation.
In contrast, there is Miles' Uncle Aaron. The one person that seems to just accept Miles
for who he is.
Shows interest in what is important to Miles.
[Uncle Aaron] What's up with school? [Miles] Going great! Tons of friends
He encourages Miles to pursue his passions.
[Uncle Aaron] You been holding out on me? You throw these up yet?
[Miles] Naw man. You know my dad. I can't
[Uncle Aaron] C'mon
Which is why it hits Miles so hard to find out his uncle is the Prowler. The fear that
even his Uncle may be willing to harm him.
[Uncle Aaron as Prowler] Miles?
But in the end, Uncle Aaron proves he fully accepts his nephew.
There is no role he thinks Miles has to fit into.
No justification to cause his nephew harm.
[Fisk] What are you waiting for? Finish it
Uncle Aaron also shows us that you can always get back up, no matter how long it's been
since you were last knocked down.
[gun shot]
You can choose to cast aside the roles you've been given.
He just wants Miles to continue being himself.
[Uncle Aaron] You're the best of all of us, Miles You're on your way
[Uncle Aaron] Just... Just keep going
This is so important because many roles will be cast forced upon us
Whether from our parents, family, teachers, or whoever.
Those people, although well meaning are not always going to be there
making decisions for us
[Fisk] Not so easy doing it on your own, is it?
So wouldn't it be better to give us more say now?
When they're around to help us
At some point we are going to have to take the reigns. Having that power earlier allows
us to make mistakes and become more skilled in weighing consequences.
To be able to test our own limits and discover who we really are.
As a parent, I think the temptation can be if I take control and I do everything I can
for my own children, then it's not my fault if things go wrong. And if things go well,
then I've done a good job.
Of course this would ultimately give them no credit. It would actually take all of the
responsibility away from my own children.
[Miles] When will I know I'm ready?
[Spider B Parker] You won't It's a leap of faith
The turning point for Miles in the story is when he receives the support he needs
and no one is trying to control him any more.
[Dad] I love you
[Dad] You don't have to say it back though
I think that's what we all want growing up.
[Dad] I see this spark in you, it's amazing! It's why I push you but-
[Dad] It's yours
[Dad] Whatever you choose to do with it You'll be great
That freedom doesn't make us invincible.
We will fall and get hurt.
We don't know if our support will be able to prevent anything, but we know they'll be there
for us.
And what does Miles do? Immediately uses that support, and asks for help.
Makes his own suit.
Finds his own identity.
His own path.
As a parent, I want to support my kids in finding their own limits.
I want them to learn self-regulation
[Peter B Parker] Relax your fingers We don't have time, just let go be in the moment
[Miles] I am in the moment It's a terrible moment!
It's an important skill that often gets ignored in favor of forcing what parents is best
right now
[Miles sings]
Not only do I think this is best for them, but I know I won't always be able to be there.
Sometimes they're going to be on their own whether I like it or not.
And I want us to have a strong relationship so they know they can always come to me.
I didn't always see things this way.
I was a lot like Peter B Parker when I first became a parent. Worried about what might
go wrong. How I'd screw up. Just trying to survive.
Fortunately, since then I've been reminded of how I felt when I was a little. I was able
to learn along the way in part thanks to my kids. Much like Peter B Parker learns from Miles.
[Peter B Parker] How do I know I won't mess it up? [Miles] You won't
[Peter B Parker] Right. It's a leap of faith
My children and I can work on things together. We can use collaboration rather than me trying
to hold on to all of the power.
I believe this is what Peter Parker would have done had he not died. When Miles ran
into him, he offered nothing but support.
[Peter Parker] You're going to be fine I can help you
[Peter Parker] If you stick around I can show you the ropes
There was no command. He treated Miles as
an equal and he asked for his help.
[Peter Parker] Promise me you'll do this
Otherwise I risk being like Fisk, the antithesis for the movie. I could try to control everything.
Fisk refused to accept and learn from his mistakes and spent all his energy on trying
to undo it no matter what the cost may be.
The same kind of mindset that got him here in the first place.
[car horn]
Whether you are a parent or not, I hope you remember how it felt to be the one being controlled.
And if you are struggling with someone over you. I hope you remember that there are many
others struggling out there too.
Thank you for being you. You are good enough just the way you are.
[Miles] You could wear the mask
[Miles] If you didn't know that before I hope you do now
And I hope you find what fits you best. Not so you can be a hero,
but so we can struggle together and through collaboration make the world a little bit better.
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