Opposers, we all know
who the most persecuted group in America is.
That's right, men.
Did you know a whopping five percent of U.S. companies
had female CEOs?
Which means that, with the exception of 95% of the economy,
women control the economy.
(laughter)
This all points to one thing.
Wardrobe lady? (clears throat)
(laughter)
There's a war on men!
Something ominous is happening to men in America.
...a war on men.
(laughing)
-NEWSMAN:
Boom! That's right, men,
there's a war on
And not even the spurriest of bone spurs
will get us out of it.
You see, women have decided we're the bad guys,
just because we're "reluctant to change a system"
that benefits us at their expense.
And now they're hitting us below the belt,
and slightly to the side.
And-- get your head out of the gutter,
I'm talking about our wallets.
-Battleground one: money. -(woman's echoing laughter)
-(loud boom) -Yes.
You know that fake pay gap women keep complaining about?
Well, I believe in it now, because it's hurting men.
There are now seven places in the U.S.
where women earn more than men.
Seven places!
But I say even one is too many.
Did you know that every time a woman out-earns a man,
an angel loses his erection and then punches a wall?
-(laughter, whooping, applause) -Yeah.
It's true.
And now these greedy women don't just want to
they want to
Check it.
A new bipartisan bill to put more women on U.S. coins.
Their portraits would appear on the back side of the coins,
opposite George Washington.
The first design mockups could arrive in 2020,
the 100th anniversary of women gaining the right to vote.
How appropriate.
No.
More like non-appropriate.
I can't make heads or tails of this.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
I mean heads or lady heads of this.
Ugh. Do you see how gross and oppressive that feels?
This is a huge problem.
And not just because four girl quarters
will only be worth 79 cents.
It's clear the female vagenda
is trying to use small change
to change the world as we know it.
So don't tell me, "Relax, man, it's just a coin."
No, no.
Representation matters, okay.
First, it's our quarters, then our dollars.
And then young girls start seeing themselves
represented everywhere.
And pretty soon, I have to explain to my son, Truck,
that he can't grow up to be whatever he wants.
Because they put a lady on a quarter,
and now there's a more qualified women out there
who also wants to be a ninja astronaut.
So you better learn to cook a goddam egg!
It's just not fair!
(applause)
Yes, yes!
But look, women aren't just coming for our moolah.
They're also coming for our manhood,
which brings me to battleground two: penises.
(woman laughing, explosion)
Look what they're doing with our penises.
Actresses Cate Blanchett and Sandra Bullock,
-they're both gorgeous women. -Yes.
-Flawless skin. -Yes.
They have tried the so-called--
-this is an anatomical reference-- -(gasps)
the so-called "penis facial."
-Wait, wait. -It happens to be derived
from the foreskin of Korean newborns.
Oh, my goodness.
Ugh.
(laughter)
A hard-hitting report from what I could only assume
is an every day episode of
(laughter)
This is outrageous.
These penis facials go against the natural order.
I'll say it loud and proud:
penises are only for men to enjoy.
But now women are using our dicks to trick us
into thinking they're prettier than they are.
That is vain.
Women, what have men ever done to make you think your value
is based on your physical appearance?
This is clearly a diabolical plot
to steal our male essence, our power, our influence,
our ability to grill meat outdoors.
And don't tell me, "Relax, man, it's just the tip."
(laughter)
That's how it starts.
First, it's the foreskin facial,
then it's the testicle earrings, and before you know it,
some witchy woman is wearing your skin, doing your job,
and woman spreading all over the bus,
while screaming at you to smile more.
No, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I don't want to smile.
You've taken my skin and my job and it sucks.
Final battleground: physical strength.
(woman laughs, explosion)
Look, maybe you're a tough guy.
Maybe you think women are weak.
Well, think again.
The Northeastern ladies basketball team
was on the way to a, a game, a big game,
and something horrible happened, their bus got stuck.
So you know what they did? They did what women do.
They got out and they started pushing it,
GIFFORD:
-until it moved.
Oh, the power of estrogen.
What is that, the tag line for
Kamala Harris' 2020 campaign slogan?
A little known "B" side from Huey Lewis and the News?
♪ That's the power of estrogen. ♪
What is it?
But power of estrogen is scaring the (bleep) out of me.
An not just because I once read that eating edamame
will give you moobs, no.
This is America.
Men are supposed to be the strong ones.
Have you seen me open a jar? (laughs)
Trick question.
If you'd seen me, we'd already be dating.
But these women, they are stealing my thunder.
And don't tell me, "Relax, man.
"It's just an inspiring story
about a women's basketball team."
No. This is the beginning of the end.
These women are saying, "Hey, men,
we don't need you anymore."
Instead of waiting
for some streetwise Hercules to bail them out,
they Voltroned into one big Her-cules,
and she's scaring the (bleep) out of me.
So, men, let this be a call to you
to join the resistance.
Men, we must stand up and defend ourselves.
We must be defensive.
Hell, we'll be overly defensive.
Equality is a finite resource,
and women on a shopping spree to gobble it all up.
So we need to protect what little we have left,
which is going to be tough,
because it's still almost everything.
It's so hard.
Stay strong, men.
The fight continues.