Welcome to...
"Now, that's what I call: CRINGE"
Someone, somewhere, has probably already made that joke. So if that's the case, I apologise!
But, you know, it's not the most imaginative joke so you can't get too angry with me.
Uhhh, yep, just googled it, and it's already a thing! But am I gunna cut this out? NO.
Because the point still stands.
We are about to witness a special flavour of cringe!
That's why I'm wrapped up like this, it's to emit the "cringe radiation"!
So usually, I avoid TikTok at all costs, because it is a cesspit of mind-numbing content - like
this!
*Stock free music plays*
Sometimes the cringe is so strong that it seeps into other platforms.
And someone who has garnered attention, even on Youtube, is a pickup artist named Russell
Hartley.
Russell: You have to stop chasing women. Because eventually you'll run out of money, but if
you chase money, you'll never run out of women!
He is what they call a "pickup ARTIST"
Because apparently GRAFFITI isn't real art, but "picking up women" is!
Ooh, do you hear that? That was...
Picasso! Rolling in his grave!
So let's take a look Mr Russell Hartley's website, just to get an idea of what he does.
"Supercharge your texting! Discover the number 1 thing that DRAMATICALLY improves your 'texting
game' with women."
"Expert coach shows you how to never get flaked on again!"
So, presumably, this content is aimed at men trying to court women.
And Russell, Mr Stud-Muffin here, is your "Bachelor Guru".
"'The Cheat Codes to texting.' Get her to happily give you her number. Text tutorials
to increase response rates. Become irresistible over the phone. Easy first date (0% flake
chance). How to get her back if she ghosts you!"
"How to get her back if she ghosts you"???
Is that not just a "no"?? Take the hint, mate!
But, fortunately, there is a word of warning at the bottom:
"A WORD OF WARNING"
"You will be seeing real texting examples." OOH!
"I want you to know upfront that there are a few things that we won't tolerate:
"Using these strategies to manipulate women (they're that powerful)"
Isn't pickup artistry inherently manipulative? Because you're putting on an act to get sex.
"Telling women about these 'tricks' (they won't work anymore if everyone knows about
them!)"
I'm a woman! Will this website now spontaneously combust?? Don't worry, Russell! I'll keep
your secrets!
As long as if I get LAID!
And the final one:
"Using any nudes you receive as blackmail"
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
It's DEEPLY concerning that he feels the need to say that.
So, that seems to be what this guy does with his time. But let's get to the meat and potatoes
of Russell Hartley!
He is most known for his TikTok account, where he posts very, very, VERY cringe videos.
So wrap up, because the CRINGE RADIATION is strong on this one!
Russell: So we're making out, things are coming unzipped, I help her to her knees. And things
proceed for about 0.5 seconds because she's like "oh my jaw, I don't want to" HARD NO!
If you have clicked on this video and you somehow don't know who Russell Hartley is,
first off, THANK YOU! There are lots of videos that are WAY better than this on this guy!
Wait, no no no don't click off!
Let's show you his most infamous clip:
Russell: What it's like being a bachelor in real life, part 1. Now, before we begin, we
gotta lay some terms down. To be a true bachelor, you gotta build what I call a "stable". As
"stable" is a rotation of women that you have available to you that you can hit up, go on
dates with, hang out with, do stuff in the bedroom with - all of that. And you're not
dating any of these women, you're still just sort of "talking". And I know how this sounds
ladies but trust me - I'm a romantic! So what this means if you're a bachelor, is that every
time you have sex with a new woman, that's a new "mare" in your "stable". And you wanna
keep doing this, you're gunna have "mares" coming in and out your "stable" and the reason
why they go out is because eventually you get to that conversation where it's like "so...where's
this going?" And the reason why you have multiple "mares" in your stable is so that you can
determine which ones are thoroughbred. But when the "mares" come to you eventually, they'll
go "well, where's this going? It's obvious you're not serious about me, this isn't going
anywhere" - they're gunna move onto greener pastures and EXIT your "stable". And that's
just the natural way of things, 3-6 months and they're out, they're moving onto some
other guy that will lock them down. But there is a dark side, there's actually a huge sexual
obligation! I mean it seems like "oh that sounds great, right? WRONG!" Because if you're
seeing 3 or 4 women simultaneously, and you're busy, you have a job, a business or something
- because when you DO finally see them you HAVE to hook up with them, because they're
gunna think there's something wrong with them or something wrong with you, or WORSE they're
going to go on to find SOME OTHER GUY!"
Saddle up, ladies!
Because Russell Hartley is about to ride you, through the night!
Yee ha!
Ew, sorry!
As a side note, he also always flexes in the most cringey and awkward way.
Russell: This is Prada head to toe, as you can see there - Prada! Uhhh, there you go,
Prada! Everything's Prada except for the shoes, these are last season's Buscemi's, they're
a little dirty - no socks. And THAT'S THE DRIP! Respect it!
Russell: Shoes: Prada. Chelsea boot, gives you an inch, I'm already 6'1 this makes me
like 6'2!
It just comes off as very unnatural. Also, he's ALWAYS in a suit. That makes me suspicious.
I wonder if he keeps the suit on when he fuc-
Let's see some more, shall we?
*Creepy horror music*
I don't know if I can do this!!!!
THE RADIATION IS SO STRONG!
"Help! Help! He's making me dance! He's making me dance! He's making me dance! Help! Help!
GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
He's what I see when I get sleep paralysis.
Now something EVEN scarier about Russell Hartley is his misogyny. Or alleged...
No, no, it's not alleged. It's his misogyny.
Okay, let's actually watch some more of his stuff, to see if any of these accusations
have any weight behind them.
Russell: What it's like dating models in Hollywood: Part 5. And dating models in LA is great because
you never have to worry about them being like, out of shape, or gaining weight or whatever
because they're already so hard on themselves - IT'S ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!
Russell, my guy, um, that's not a very good thing to say.
You're a bad boy, Russell!
Russell: Now is it just me or is everybody else getting bored of women just posing for
their iPhones like this:
*Crickets*
Russell: It's so BORING! It's like - you got nothing else?? You can't do ANYTHING else
than that?! And I call them out, and I say look, you guys are making these posts for
attention from men -"
Does he not know that lesbians exist?
He probably thinks that they just exist in...prawn. 🍤
Russell: So fellas, stop feeding the thirst traps! And stop DM'ing girls after every half-naked
post, so maybe we can start encouraging women to be better than just softcore p0rnstars!
And ladies, men aren't the ones treating you like objects, you guys are objectifying yourselves!
Russell: I get called a misogynist, a lot, A LOT. And it makes no sense, I LOVE WOMEN!
Women have been a huge part of my life, I'm just telling my dating stories, but definitely
in an entertaining way. And sometimes I make jokes...
*Flashback* Russell: And dating models in LA is great because you never have to worry
about them being like, out of shape, or gaining weight or whatever because they're already
so hard on themselves - IT'S ABSOLUTELY PERFECT! IT'S ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!
You know what, I'm gunna give him another chance! Maybe his Twitter's a bit better!
Perhaps he balances out these few misogynistic TikToks with tweets that empower women!
Let's see what this tweet says...*looks at phone*
Oh, he's shared this video, let's see what it is!
Ooh! Ok, maybe not then!
And if you think that this doesn't get grosser -
Russell: I did this little pincher move and pulled out a used condom! HARD NO!
You are wrong!
God speed, my friend!
Russell: Stunning conclusion to dating cougars: did you know that you can wash your hands
with toothpaste to remove the "vajina" smell from your fingers? Or you can just leave it,
and walk around wearing it like a cologne! Like I do! *Sniffs* That's a good vintage!
*Katy Perry meme* When they ask you how you are and you have to say that you're fine even
though you're not really fine but blah blah -
I don't know how the rest of it goes.
Right, I know that we've been having some jollies and laughs at this guy, but I really
need to address an important issue with this guy's account. So I'm gunna be serious with
you for a moment...
I'm DEEPLY concerned...
About his DOGGY!
Russell: Balenciaga, and...*goes over to dog* Come, here, come on! Aw he's my man! Ooh,
there we go! And Max! This is my dog Max 1000!
"Don't touch me!"
Russell: Say hello everybody! Hi Max! He doesn't know how to do TikTok.
Russell: So I'm walking my dog Max out in Hollywood boulevard, and by the way guys,
if you want a wingman that is like WAY better than your boys, having a little puppy will
pull more girls than you ever could! I'm telling you!
He's being held hostage, and we need to save him!
*Creepy music*
Free Max! Free Max! Free Max! Say it with me, come one!
Free Max! Free Max! Free Max!
I've started a change.org petition, please sign and share.
Fortunately, I think that's it for Mr Russell Hartley today. He's been discussed a lot already,
I just wanted to add my "2 cents". Is that the saying? My two pennies, my...my shilling!
To the discussion.
And I just quite like making fun of men in suits!
But yeah if you liked this, please give this a like. Maybe even subscribe!
And if you have anymore cringe icons you would like me to cover, do share them in the comments!
Thank you, and have a good rest of your day or night!
Oh, and you should probably get checked out for radiation poisoning! Sorry about that!
Russell: Why don't girls like weak dudes? Woman: Who would? I don't wanna date a weak
dude! Russell: There you have it folks, straight
from the horse's mouth!
Russell: I don't think women are horses.