-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it.
Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, it's officially that time of year --
spring break is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Right now, every college kid is like, [Slurring] "It's okay,
I'm just studying for St. Patrick's Day.
Okay."
[ Normal voice ] Yes, spring break
can get pretty wild right now.
Every bar in Florida has about 1,000 people
dressed like John Cena at the Oscars.
[ Laughter ]
This week, Florida is very much like the Oscars.
Everyone's either naked like John Cena
or 80 and confused like Al Pacino.
It's very interesting.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, speaking of confused 80-year-olds,
President Biden is still in the news.
Today, special counsel Robert Hur,
the man who investigated Biden's handling
of classified documents and called him
"a well-meaning man with a poor memory,"
testified before Congress.
Democrats were like, "Well, that five days of momentum
from the State of the Union was fun while it lasted.
Uh, that went fast."
[ Applause ]
Meanwhile, ahead of his testimony,
the Justice Department released the full transcript
of Hur's five-hour interview with Biden.
It was pretty amazing.
Biden's interview lasted five hours.
But Hur only asked one question,
so it's very interesting.
Okay.
That sounds about right.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right, five hours of Biden talking
or as his grandkids call it, a voicemail.
Yep, today, Robert Hur testified about his investigation
into Biden's handling of classified documents.
Needless to say, things got a little confusing.
This is Robert Hur, who's described President Biden
as a sympathetic,
well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory.
When Biden heard that, he said,
"Wow, I can't believe she said that."
[ Laughter ]
To which Attorney General Merrick Garland said,
"You mean him?"
To which Biden said, "Him? I thought you said her."
[ Laughter ]
Then Hur said,
"Yeah, that's me, sir. I am Hur."
[ Laughter, applause ]
To which...
To which Biden said, "Then who's she?"
To which Hur said,
"That's special counsel Christina Hoffman.
I hired her."
Then Biden said, "You hired yourself?
That's pretty cool, Jack."
Then Garland said, "No, Sir, I hired Hur."
Then Biden said, "Then who hired him?"
At which point, Hur said, "Sir. I am Hur.
She is she.
He hired me.
And I hired she."
[ Cheers and applause ]
At which point, Biden said, "C'mon, man,
I'm just an elderly man with a poor memory."
Alright? Come on.
Who's...
Crazy.
Some more political news --
former President Trump just vowed that if reelected,
one of his first acts as president
would be to free the January 6th defendants.
Stores that sell antlers and bear spray were like,
"We're back, baby! Oh, yeah!"
Yep, if he wants to release them all from jail --
It's not great when your big ideas match up with the Joker's.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, right now Trump is trying to delay
his Stormy Daniels hush money trial
until after the Supreme Court decides
whether he has total immunity.
Trump released a statement.
He said, "This case won't hold up.
I see it totally falling apart."
Then, Boeing said, "Totally falling apart?
Join the club, bud."
[ Applause ]
Then Trump said, "This whole thing is a crazy conspiracy
that's distracting the entire world."
Then the royal family said,
"A crazy conspiracy that's distracting the entire world?
Join the club, bud."
[ Applause ]
Then Trump said, "My lawyers are pathetic dopes
who won't get a penny from me."
Then Eric and Don Jr. said,
"Pathetic dopes who won't get a penny from you?
Join the club, bud."
Then Trump said, "I'm sick of all this.
Sometimes I just want to go rogue
and do my own thing."
Then Al Pacino at the Oscars said,
"Go rogue and do your own thing?
My eyes see... join the club, bud?"
Finally, Trump said,
"This process should be short and uneventful."
Then Stormy Daniels said, "Short and uneventful?
Join the club, bud."
Join the club, bud!
[ Applause ]
Well, guys, listen to this. I read that Trump
asked Elon Musk if he wanted to buy Truth Social,
and Elon was like, "That's so funny.
I was going to ask if you wanted to buy Twitter."
That's it.
Some business news -- following its success selling gold bars,
Costco is now selling $680 silver coins.
Even crazier, Wells Fargo
is now selling five-gallon tubs of cheese balls.
Well, get this. Johnsonville has recalled
over 35,000 pounds of sausage
after they found pieces of rubber in the meat.
At first, Johnsonville tried to cover for it
by saying it was part of their new line
of "all-weather sausage."
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is wild. A 26-year-old just finished
walking across the entire country
from Washington state to Washington, D.C.
He saw what was going on with airplanes in the news
and said, "You know, I'm just going to walk.
Never mind."
[ Applause ]
And finally, a woman in Missouri won the lottery
after playing the same numbers for 40 years.
So, good news -- with the winnings,
she could almost break even.
And we have a great show.
Give it up for The Roots, ladies and gentlemen!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Oh!
That's what I'm talking about!
Welcome to the show, everybody.
Good job. Tariq Trotter in the house.
Guys, our annual limited edition "Tonight Show"
St. Patrick's Day sweatshirts are officially on sale.
So, if you want to get one before St. Patrick's Day,
go to the shop at NBC Studios in Midtown Manhattan,
or go online at TheShopAtNBCStudios.com.
And the NBC Store actually said today
that they're going to open up early on Saturday.
So, if you want to stop by before you go
to the parade, pick up a sweatshirt.
Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What a show we have for you tonight.
She's an Emmy- and Grammy-winning
talk show host and singer.
He's an NFL legend
and a two-time Super Bowl champion,
and he's an Emmy-winning sportscaster.
Kelly Clarkson, Peyton Manning,
and Mike Tirico are here tonight.
What's going on?
What are they going to talk about?
Something big -- something big is happening.
Plus, she stars in the new movie "Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire,"
which is in theaters and IMAX March 22nd.
Carrie Coon is here tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Gilded Age," too.
And we got great stand-ups. One of my favorites,
Katherine Blanford, is here tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Fun show.
Uh, guys, I know a lot of people find math boring,
and, well, that's why we've updated math
to make the equations be about stuff that you can relate to.
It's time for popular mathematics.
Check it out.
-♪ Popular mathematics, mathematics ♪
-Let's take a look at our first equation here.
If you take Guy Fieri plus Post Malone,
it equals Weird Barbie.
You see what I'm saying? You get the idea.
It's math.
Here's another one here.
Eggos plus syrup plus UFC equals Waffle House.
So, you see... [ Applause ]
It gets a little rowdy.
If you take Dave Grohl plus "Ghostbusters" minus ghosts,
it equals Dave & Buster's.
[ Laughter ]
I love that place.
Here's another one.
Trying mushrooms for the first time
plus a tuxedo
equals Cillian Murphy winning an Oscar.
[ Cheers and applause ]
If you take Venmo plus your one annoying friend,
it equals Zelle.
Just get Venmo.
Here's another one -- the GOP plus a red light,
plus a shared Google Doc plus an audiobook
equals "All right...stop! Collaborate and listen!"
[ Applause ]
[ Rim shot ]
[ Humming "Ice Ice Baby" ]
Uh, here's another one.
Uh, Ken Jennings minus Jennings
equals "I'm just Ken."
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, if you take the Lorax
plus 10 shots of tequila,
it equals Gritty.
There you go. That's all the time we have
for Popular Mathematics.