- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.
This is "Breaking News."
- Hello, and welcome to the "Breaking News,"
the show where we don't know what we're about to say
and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Cameron Bailey.
- And I'm The Bad Guy From that NWA Video. (chuckles)
- Really, because you look like if Eminem
grew up in a house with both parents.
- Nope, I'm the worst.
- Not just in general either.
You're also the worst at this game,
you giggly, gangly motherfucker
so we're thrilled that you volunteered to punish yourself
by attempting to keep your mouth full of water
throughout the entirely of this shoot.
- Uh-huh. - I like this, I like this.
I like this a lot. - This is a good idea.
- Okay, so I... - Yeah.
- Oh. (chuckles) (orchestral hit resounds)
Hey, you know what?
It's the microphone's funeral.
- Yeah, that's right, get it al in there.
You like that, you little piggy, don't you?
Oink, oink.
Meanwhile, everyone feel free
to hurl insults at Grant throughout the shoot.
Now, to our co-anchor Bo, with a story on Chicago's
world-famous hot dog stand, the Wiener's Circle.
(Grant chortles) (orchestra hit resounds)
I understand that you FaceTimed with the Wiener's Circle,
a restaurant known for roasting their customers
and asked them, "What's the difference
between a Chicago-style hot dog and a real hot dog?"
- That's right.
- What was the point of this story?
- Well, it's funny you should ask that.
The point of the story is
that there's two different kinds of hot dogs, right?
There's great hot dogs
and then there's hot dogs that people from Chicago
think are better, like celery salt's
gonna do fucking anything on your hot dog, you idiots.
Chicago sucks, there, I said it.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm. - You dumbasses!
The only place worse than Chicago is Ohio.
- Ohio, Columbus, Ohio.
- (gurgling) The pickle.
- I'm sorry, what was that, Grant?
- The pickle, the pickle. (chuckles)
(coughing) - Listen, Ohio's
the fucking armpit of the country.
This fucking dumb shit state
that makes everyone look at it every four years like,
oh no, we might choose the right president this time.
And they always fucking fuck it up.
Everyone gives Florida shit,
and Ohio fucks up way harder than anyone else.
- (gurgling) No! - Fuck Ohio is my point.
- It has Cedar Point.
- All right, and what did they say in response to roast you?
- They told me that they were just gonna take a pass on me
and go right to Grant because it was like going hunting
and seeing a much bigger deer that you wanted to bring down.
- Yeah. - They basically just talked
about how, like, what a boring life you must lead
to watch roller coaster videos in your spare time, like-
(spitting) (laughing)
(orchestral hits resound)
It's like, we get everything's closed,
but truly you could do anything at your house right now.
(spitting) (laughing)
Figure out what to do with your life, you know?
- They were a lot meaner than that.
They really went after your insecurities, or in this case,
they really went after Grant's insecurities.
Could you re-enact that, please?
Like for instance, it's so sad to watch someone
past their sexual prime still really go for it.
- Mm-mm. - It wasn't that long ago
that Grant was talking about he changed his whole hairstyle
because some Zoomer made fun of him on the internet.
(anchors laughing) (orchestral hits resound)
- Ooh. - All it took
was one anonymous 12-year-old. - Yeah.
- And this idiot over here changed up his whole appearance.
- Whew, brutal! - Yep.
And now to our correspondent, Lindsey, with the weather.
Lindsey, describe what the sky looks like outside today.
- But before you do, please keep in mind
the curse the witch put on you
that prevents you from mentioning colors
or saying any words that start with the letter C.
If you do, you have to imitate a sperm fertilizing an egg.
- Yeah, I know.
So anyway, the sky today is
tinged with yellow, oh shit. (laughing)
I walked right into that one.
Cool, So let's talk about sperm and egg.
So imagine you're anyone except Grant O'Brien
who's as infertile as they come.
(laughing)
- And to be clear, that's not because he's shooting blanks
or anything, it's just 'cause he can't get it up.
(laughing) (orchestral hit resounds)
- No, it's not 'cause of medical reasons.
It's 'cause he's used it dick too close to a microwave
too, too many times.
- How else are you gonna get your burrito nice and warm
so you can fuck it? (spits)
(laughing) (orchestra hits resound)
- Imagine the sperm makes its way into the egg.
Here's a little sperm swimming around.
It taps into the egg and racing with other sperm,
it enters the egg, over time it slowly but surely develops
like this into a proper baby unless that sperm
and egg combination happens to have been Grant O'Brien
in which case it develops
an unusually tall stature even in the womb.
- Mm. - Mm.
- Sure, it's like the remake of "Willy Wonka"
with the real stretched-out taffy kid.
- That's exactly right.
- Hey Grant, hanging in there, you bitch?
- Yeah, you bitch! - I'm doing fine.
You're all gonna get yours in hell.
- Aaron Burr. (spits)
Remember the "Got Milk?" commercial?
Of course you do 'cause you're old as fuck, Grant.
(laughing) (orchestral hits resound)
- Hey Grant, had a baby, it's a boy.
(spits) (laughing)
Lily doesn't even know that one, Grant.
- I'm a very young man, I'm very young.
- Stupid.
And now for our top story, how former French pastry chefs
turned pirates sailed to Cuba to dig up buried treasure.
How did these French pastry chefs turn
to a life of maritime piracy to begin with?
(confused yelping)
Oh, God I did a thing where I read the words,
but I didn't process the thought so I really don't know
what I'm supposed to be explaining right now.
- Something to do with pastry chefs becoming pirates.
Now, if you ask me, a pirate
wouldn't make a good pastry chef.
Probably come out about as well
as one of Grant O'Brien's cocktails.
- I actually think that Grant
makes some pretty good cocktails.
The problem is just that he cares about it too much.
(laughing) - Absolutely.
- He really wants to make a thing of it.
- (laughs) We are off the rail.
- What are we, Grant? - We're off the rails!
The rails!
- And because I've lost the thread on this,
what I instead will be writing, the number 44
which is how old I think Grant looks.
- I'm not yet. - Look, the point is,
I certainly learned something.
- And now for our national anthem, Lindsey?
- I forgot the words so instead
I will howl like a wolf to the tune of the national anthem.
- Great.
- Corespondent goes on the Instagram Live
and howls like a wolf. - Oh, no!
- You have to be kidding me. - Oh, no!
(sighs) - Wow!
- How do you get to Instagram Live?
I've never done one before. - Well, now who's old?
(chuckles) (orchestra hit resounds)
- Oh, here we go.
Oh my God, I'm not even gonna look. (clears throat)
(howling "The Star Spangled Banner")
(Grant humming "The Star Spangled Banner")
(howling "The Star Spangled Banner" off key)
(grant gurgling)
(howling "The Star Spangled Banner")
- A little pitchy.
(howling "The Star Spangled Banner")
- Big finale. (howling "The Star Spangled Banner")
(Grant humming "The Star Spangled Banner")
(howling "The Star Spangled Banner")
I can't hit this high note.
(howling "The Star Spangled Banner")
(clears throat harshly)
(howling "The Star Spangled Banner")
- What is this show? (laughing)
- That does it for us here on "Breaking News,"
but before we go, we'll let you know
that today's loser is Grant. (Grant gurgles)
Grant, is there anything you'd like to add?
- We're all the same age, we're all the same age.
- That's not true. - Grant, you're 44.
- I'm distinctly younger than you.
- Oh. (gurgling)
- Grant remembered voting in the Reagan election.
(Grant chuckles softly)