- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(intense music)
- Hello, and welcome to The Breaking News,
the show where we have no idea what we're about to say
and aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Val.
- And I'm Bob We-Had-A-Baby-It's-A-Boy,
like in that one commercial.
- You have to shut up.
- Okay.
- For our first story,
which one of your friends has their amber alerts turned off?
Do they not know when they've been kidnapped,
or are they kidnapping people so much
that they had to turn off the notifications
because their phone was constantly blowing up?
- When asked for comment, Amber said that,
quote, "Every time someone silences my alert,
"it's like they're kidnapping me again."
- Now, a question from last week.
Regis Philbin is actually still alive,
and was not cruel intentioned by Jackee Harry
as previously reported.
- But it was a good guess.
Back to you.
- Thanks, back to you.
- Collect calling.
That's the commercial that my name is from.
- We-Had-a-Baby-it's-a-Boy?
- No, Bob.
- Oh, now, over to the weather.
- I'll handle that.
Now, over the weather.
- Yay!
Sorry, I though I saw Dean Cain.
- Geiko, it was a commercial for Geiko,
not collect calling.
- You gotta shut up.
- Okay.
- Weather is looking real bad out here in the Badlands
of Badland County, and no sign of Dean Cain.
Dean, Dean, where are you?
♪ Dean, where are you? ♪
♪ And I ♪
♪ Text me when you more ♪
♪ And I ♪
Text me when you get home, bye.
- The family was trying to save money by calling collect.
When they asked their name, they snuck a message into it
so that they didn't have to pay for a whole call.
- For our next story. - Yes.
- Jackets, they're supposed to keep you warm.
- I know that's right.
- But you know that thing where you try to put a jacket
on over a long-sleeve shirt, and the jacket makes the sleeve
on your shirt ride up to your elbow?
- Dean Cain!
- Now, our field correspondent, Ho Ward.
Ho Ward?
- Howard!
It's Howard, you horse's ass.
Normally, I would be upset by that,
but nothing can bring down my sack today,
for I have seen true love.
At 32 years old, I didn't realize
I had never seen true love until now.
Keep in mind, my parents are still together.
But all that proves is that two people who hate each other
can learn to cohabitate.
My grandparents have probably never been in love.
All my grandmother talks about is how she never loved
my grandfather, and he caught her off the rebound.
Somewhere along the way, the hope of finding true love
in my life petered out to the point where I lost all sight
of that fairy tale goal of finding someone
who gets you like no one else could,
probably around the tender age of 14,
when, just as my mother was backing out of the driveway
to take me to school, I told her to stop the car
because I'd forgotten one of my textbooks.
When I got out, I saw an injured
bunny rabbit behind the car.
We would've run her over
had I not needed to go back in the house.
I nursed that bunny back to health
and begged my parents to let me keep her.
She kept me calm during the nights when I couldn't sleep
for the sound of my parents fighting.
Bunnies aren't supposed to be skiddish, but not Susie.
It was like she knew she had to stay strong for me.
Later that year, drought struck the town,
and with that came a great fire.
Our home was one of those afflicted.
Firefighters had to wrestle me to the ground
and broke both my arms to keep me from rushing back
into the house to save Susie.
The heat from the flames put goosebumps on my skin,
as I beseeched the God I no longer
believed in for a miracle that never came.
I would've died to save Susie.
And I've been spending my whole life looking
for a love that strong.
Anyways, all that to say there's two ladies
finger-fucking in the street, yum yum!
- Well, that's all the time we have.
This week's loser is me, Tao,
because I couldn't stop laughing.
- 10, 10, 3-2-1.
Those were other good commercials.
- I love that commercial, actually.
Dial down the middle, 1-800-C-A-L-L-A-T-T-.
- Carrot top!