- [Rob] Pop quiz:
My wife was visiting her parents last night
and took the baby,
meaning I had the night to myself.
So, did I,
A: eat junk food and watch football,
B: have an overdue guys night with some of my buddies,
C: get some goddamn sleep for once,
or D: all of the above.
Stay tuned for the answers.
Let's start the show.
(scat music)
Today on Paternity Leave,
we have the Dad Awards.
We have a new What's Poppin' on the Dad.
And, we have John C. Reilly.
No, that is John C. McGinnly.
And, that is John Cena.
Yeah, that's him.
John C. Reilly.
He is here to do another episode of
Celebrity Bedtime Stories.
But first, don't tell mom.
My son is still a little too young
for me to do all the crazy, borderline reckless things,
that I wanna do with him.
You know, the things that will end with me saying,
- "Don't tell mom!"
- For instance, when I was eight years old,
my dad let me ride down Sticker Hill.
It was this crazy long hill
that had sticker bushes all over the place,
and you ride down on a piece of cardboard
and go about 120 miles an hour
and then try to stop yourself before you hit the rock wall.
- No, no, no, no, ah!
- Super fun,
and totally dangerous,
but afterwards, I got ice cream
and a concussion.
Either way, we didn't tell mom.
So, I wanna know,
what are some other don't tell mom moments
that you guys have had out there?
I'm talking about stuff like this.
(leaf blower engine)
- Look!
- Let me see, turn around, let me see.
(laughing)
(kids yelling)
For the record, mom will find out.
She always does,
but hopefully she'll understand
because dad is like mom, only funner.
Now available at shopthedad.com.
- [Announcer] And, now, Celebrity Bedtime Stories.
John C. Reilly reads Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
- Once upon a time,
there were three bears who lived in a house in the forest.
While they were out,
a little girl named Goldilocks came through the trees
and decided to do a little B and E.
That's breaking and entering.
So, when Goldilocks got inside,
she started going through all the bears' belongings.
Probably looking for jewelry
or something she could pawn for cash.
Goldilocks didn't have the best home life.
Okay, so then the bears came home from their walk
and found Goldilocks asleep
and since the porridge was all gone,
those bears ate the crap outta Goldilocks instead.
Then, the authorities got involved
and had to put down the bears for eatin' the little girl.
Just like that gorilla at the zoo.
Okay, goodnight.
- So, what's poppin' on the dad right now?
An awesome new show called Dad's What's Up.
It's a comedic how-to series
where the hilarious Matt Fisher
gives secret dad techniques
to make family life a little easier.
Check it out.
- [Matt] Guys, it's a long December,
and there's no reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last.
But, you gotta try right?
Today, we're talking about
ways to navigate the holiday season.
Because dad's what's up.
- Now, onto the Dad Awards.
Now, this is pretty straight forward.
We're spotlighting dads that are going above and beyond
with their dadsmanship.
Maybe they're jumping into a ballet recital
to help out their shy daughter?
Or, making a fun beat box video with their newborn?
(beat boxing)
You can nominate yourself,
a dad you know,
or a single mom because they're straight up
doing it all.
Email your nominations to robking@thedad.com
along with pics, videos,
and a brief explanation
of why that person deserves a Dad Award.
The winner gets a ride-along John Deere lawnmower
and a pair of Nike Monarchs.
Just kidding, we have no budget for any prizes.
But, everyone that is nominated
will get a shout out.
That's right, everyone wins.
So, submit now.
And, finally, the answer to the pop quiz.
What did I do with a night to myself?
The answer is
E: I was doing this.
(piano music)
♪ Just take those old records off the shelf ♪
It was super fun,
but I stayed up way too late learning to dance,
and then I watched the movie,
and then I watched three Mission Impossibles.
Tom Cruise is America's Sweetheart (sighs)
Anyway, thanks for watching the show.
I'm Rob King.
This has been Paternity Leave.
We will see you next time.
♪ Just take those old records off the shelf ♪
♪ I sit and listen to them by myself ♪
(scat music)